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My son

(45 Posts)
Cpjude Tue 02-Mar-21 06:28:23

Please dont slate me, in 1982, in my first marriage, we had a little boy after one year of being married, we were blissfully happy. There i had post partum psychosis, when our son was 14 months old i went out shopping one day leaving my son with his dad, i never went back, i was very ill. To cut a long story short , I recovered, married again, had 3 children who are all happy healthy adults. Sadly , thier dad died from cancer when they were young. I have thought the years made contact with my first son by phone,when he was in his early 20,s. Since then, I cant contact him, him and all of my then husbands family have changed thier names on social media, and blocked me in every way. His dad remarried, they had 2 sons. I still have his dads phone number ( landline), and address. I have tried phoning , but his wife answers and outs the phone down. I have written and posted letters. I have tried local to them facebook groups, thier names are nowhere. I have tried his dads brothers , thier wives, etc, still thier names dont come up. They obviously dont want me to contact them. My son will be 39 in June, I dont know if I have grandchildren, or , if I have any rights to know them. I'm thinking about this alot now, i am 60 this year, it's all so sad. My own children have a half brother , they dont know. Icant afford a solicitor to look into this, but I would imagine I have no rights, hes a grown nan who dosent want to know me

Kandinsky Tue 02-Mar-21 06:52:16

Why when you recovered didn’t you go back to your husband and child?
Why did you remarry &have more children?
Why did you wait until your son was in his 20’s to contact him?
I’m sure there’s a lot more to this than you’ve written, but just going on your post I totally understand why your 1st family doesn’t want contact.
If I were you I’d leave it & get on with the 2nd life you made for yourself.
You’ve tried to get back into his life but he’s not interested - respect his decision.

wildswan16 Tue 02-Mar-21 07:50:21

I agree with Kandinsky. Let him get on with his life in the way he wants to. You will always feel the sadness of not knowing him or his current family, but just be glad that you gave birth to him and wish the best for him.

Try to stop giving too much thought to what "might have been" and concentrate on enhancing your own life.

They can, presumably, find you if they want to.

M0nica Tue 02-Mar-21 07:52:46

*Cpjude+, you are clearly in deep pain over the loss of your son, although I am not sure whether I would describe it as an estrangement, as you have not been in his life since he was 14 months old.

What does worry me is your paragraph saying.

I have thought the years made contact with my first son by phone,when he was in his early 20,s. Since then, I cant contact him, him and all of my then husbands family have changed thier names on social media, and blocked me in every way. His dad remarried, they had 2 sons. I still have his dads phone number ( landline), and address. I have tried phoning , but his wife answers and outs the phone down. I have written and posted letters. I have tried local to them facebook groups, thier names are nowhere. I have tried his dads brothers , thier wives, etc, still thier names dont come up. They obviously dont want me to contact them.

To me this suggests behaviour on your part that could be described as harrassment. If people have to change names to avoid hearing from you, that is not good. It also suggests obsessive behaviour on your part.

I fully understand your pain that your son is not in your life, but it is clear that he has decided that he does not want you there. Perhaps your behaviour has frightened him off.

However I do think you need help to deal with this sadness. You need to talk to your GP or mental health nurse in order to get counselling or other supportive intervention.

dogsmother Tue 02-Mar-21 08:05:00

It’s so sad and painful.
I’d write a letter to him and leave it with him. You cannot continue to to hurt yourself.
It’s not everyone who will be able to understand and perhaps you now need more support too.

Harris27 Tue 02-Mar-21 08:07:11

Leave it be. You have a second life I would just leave be. He doesn’t want you in his life so sorry about that but he might be happy and that’s all you want for them. He may contact you one day out of the blue but until then move on . You did so let him.

GagaJo Tue 02-Mar-21 08:08:55

I agree with dogsmother. Write a letter and explain fully the emotions and your breakdown. It would need to be written in brutal honesty, not the brief style you have written above.

Post it, and then leave it and don't contact him again. The choice (or probably, not a choice really, a not being able to cope) was made many years ago, and not everything can be put right.

Grammaretto Tue 02-Mar-21 08:15:12

Maybe make a will, or update it, mentioning him so that in the future his DC and DGC will know that you thought of him.
Like the others here, I would advise you to stop trying to make contact now and look after your own health.

Iam64 Tue 02-Mar-21 08:38:21

MOnica’s post says all that’s needed. Get psychological support for yourself. Let your son and his loved ones be.

sodapop Tue 02-Mar-21 09:30:59

I agree it's a sad situation but your son has made it clear he doesn't want any contact Cpjude. Time to leave him be now, I assume he has your details if he feels he wants to contact you at a later date.
Time to look after yourself and the rest of your family now, to pursue this will only bring heartache all round.

AmberSpyglass Tue 02-Mar-21 09:36:17

He’s made it very clear he doesn’t want to hear from you. You’re going to have to stop this before he takes a restraining order out on you. Clearly the three children you had after leaving him were enough for you for a long time, so I’m not sure why that changed.

TrendyNannie6 Tue 02-Mar-21 09:53:15

I’m not going to judge you, but why didn’t you go to back to your husband and young son after you recovered you say you were blissfully happy at the start! Then you married again and had three more children, but didn’t contact your son until he was in his twenty’s, why did you leave it so long to make contact if you missed him so much? It doesn’t sound like he wants contact I’m afraid does it, and the family have done such a lot to make sure you don’t contact any of them, I don’t think you should try to pursue it anymore, and allow your son to get on with his life

Smileless2012 Tue 02-Mar-21 09:57:30

Cpjude you could write a letter, keep it with your will and have your will specify that it is to be given to him. There will be a legal responsibility to ensure that everything possible is done to make sure he receives it.

An honest account of the circumstances that led to your leaving and never returning may give him another perspective on what happened and why.

I appreciate that this would happen once you've died and that you'll never know if he gets the letter, or if it will benefit him in any way to know that his mum was ill and it was your illness, not your lack or absence of love for him that made you leave.

I can understand why you've tried to find and contact him. There's so much now on tv where adopted children have sought out and found one or both of their birth parents, and where a parent who gave a child for adoption has been successful in finding that child and connecting with them.

This together with this year being a significant birthday for you, may be bringing all of this to a head and as others have suggested, get in touch with your GP and consider counselling to help you come to terms with what's happened and the distinct possibility that you may never be able to find him and if you do, he wont want to make contact.

It maybe that one or all of your other children decide to try and find their half brother in the future but if they did, that wouldn't mean that you could or should try to contact him again.

It is sad, sad that you were so ill with post partum psychosis that this was the result and sad that perhaps if more had been known about this condition at the time, there may have been a better understanding and you may have been able to reconnect with your son when he was still a child.

Please don't let this take any of the joy out of the life you have with your 3 children and the memories of your second Hflowers.

3nanny6 Tue 02-Mar-21 13:34:13

I think that is good advice you have given To Cpjude Smileless and probably the only option she has left.

The way that the poster left was traumatic and Cpjude your first husband would have been overwhelmed with you leaving to go shopping and never returning. In my opinion that is probably why all the family have gone to great lengths to make sure you do not contact them.
You remarried and had 3 more children and seemingly you were and still are all happy although sadly you had the loss of your second husband to deal with.
Your son was so young when you left and now with him coming up to 39 years it may not be appropriate to try and invade on his life or even speculate as to whether or not he is a father. I would like to say something more positive but perhaps it is time to just let your son be.

Smileless2012 Tue 02-Mar-21 13:49:41

I was wondering Cpjude if you'd been diagnosed prior to leaving. If so did your H at the time know what was wrong and if he did, was he aware of the devastating effects that post partum psychosis can have?

If he didn't know up to the time you left, was he ever made aware after ward?

I had delayed post natal depression following the birth of our second child in the early 80's, and although there was understanding and help available, everything surrounding this and other similar issues is so much better today than it was then.

What I experienced was bad enough so I can't begin to imagine what you must have gone throughflowers.

Redhead56 Tue 02-Mar-21 14:04:04

I am thinking the same as Smileless 2012 what sort of support did you get? How did you lose touch with your family? so many questions.

EllanVannin Tue 02-Mar-21 14:06:13

I'd let sleeping dogs lie.

Because you had PPP chances are that your son could have been fostered from the start while you recovered as unlike post-natal depression it usually requires in-patient treatment and dependent on how ill you were it could have taken time.

Try and put the past behind you and move forward, difficult as it is, it'll be better for your health in the long run instead of wondering. Look after what you already have.

Armadillo Tue 02-Mar-21 14:06:57

I think you could be the nicest person ever and he still wouldn't want contact. For you it's about your horrible mental illness and your recovery from it. For him it's about his life that has been without you and how he recovered from that. You aren't in the same place.
I think it's best to let him go now because I think if he was unhappy he would contact you. I think he must be happy and not need a relationship with you and you should get help and move on from that part of your life.

Smileless2012 Tue 02-Mar-21 14:09:32

It's such a sad story isn't it Redhead that for some reason I can't get out of my mind.

Redhead56 Tue 02-Mar-21 14:49:23

Yes I agree it’s a very difficult situation and cannot imagine what it would have been like to go through .

Hithere Tue 02-Mar-21 16:06:33

Very sad story, PPP is a serious condition and I am glad that you got medical attention.

However, your first son does not want to know about you -he has blocked you any way he can.
Please respect his wishes

LadyBella Tue 02-Mar-21 16:30:17

You were suffering with a mental illness. There was little help back then. You did not deliberately set out to hurt people. You needed help. It does not sound as if you got any. I agree about writing a letter. Explain that you were not the same person back then and that because of your mental illness you did not act rationally. If I were you I'd ask an expert for help in writing the letter. It needs careful thought. Your son is bitter and perhaps a professional could help you to put in writing something that may make him in some way understand. You have tried and failed to make contact so I'd advise asking someone else how to go about it. I see you have already written letters but perhaps they were intercepted and your son never got them. No doubt his family have said bad things about you and this is what he believes. But nobody knows what goes on in another person's mind so they cannot judge you. Even if he never replies, you will know you wrote the letter. I wish you all the very best with this as it must torture you. I made mistakes when I was young but I was a different person then. I'd say keep trying. Your son possibly doesn't know you've tried to make contact. You need somehow to find a way to get through to him without the rest of the family knowing. Don't give up.

AmberSpyglass Tue 02-Mar-21 17:19:16

I’m curious about what happened. You just walked out, unplanned? And then what? I’m sorry, but I have very little sympathy.

Smileless2012 Tue 02-Mar-21 17:47:19

As you have "very little sympathy" I doubt the OP will respond AmberSpyglass and I can't say I blame her.

Tangerine Tue 02-Mar-21 18:48:04

PPP is a very nasty illness and I imagine the OP could not control her actions at the time.

Like others, I think writing a letter and putting it with your Will would be the best way forward.