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Estrangement

Cut off from our grandson

(19 Posts)
Lolorads Sun 09-May-21 12:11:03

On Mother’s Day this year an argument took place on the phone between my son and my husband since then we have been told we will never see our grandson or the new baby which is due at the end of the summer ever again!
Now here is why the argument took place.....
Our son took drugs while at college 10-12 years ago since then he’s behaviour has become increasingly more controlling aggressive and paranoid he also displays bi-polar type symptoms. He has had several long term relationship all of which have ended because of his behaviour I would get text messages in the middle of the night from girlfriends saying they were scared and worried ( he would shut himself in the bathroom for hours crying ) I always contacted them ASAP but by the time I called it was all over and calm again.
We got him help on several occasions and encouraged him to seek it himself all to no avail if a counsellor even intimated some blame might lie with him he would not accept it. Over the years he has ‘kicked off ‘ in front of family and friends at special times like Mother’s Day or my 50th birthday party. All alcohol induced.
Four years ago he met a lovely girl who came from as she described to me dysfunctional background and never had a mum that was there for her as she said a complete contrast to me and my husband relationship with our son.
Soon we had a grandson our first and the light of our lives they were both very protective of him which was understandable and we waited our turn to be invited into the new baby circle( she has a huge family) they soon realised that we were very useful when it came to childcare we were first in the queue, as she had younger siblings it was often difficult for her mum to look after him while they were working.
As struggling newly qualified teachers we supported them every way with childcare having hot meals ready for when they got home took our grandson to grandparent and toddler groups toddler drama clubs we played a huge part in his life, emotional support especially when her mum was sectioned after another suicide attempt and when her grandparents died and financially as they had or no money we often bought their food shop helped out with bills etc and last year we gave them enough for the deposit on their first home and enough to cover miscellaneous fees incurred.
However at the same time we were doing all this they both treated us with contempt we were often phoned driving home and berated about things we had done wrong if my son came home early for example there were too many toys out i should tidy up more and I was told off really nastily. Too many occasions of ‘telling offs ‘ to recount.
We were getting to the stage where we were exhausted by this and I was often in tears on my way home after being around them our grandson was the only thing keeping me sane.
We have felt we were walking on egg shells constantly last year I was told I had upset her mum by insisting she wore a mask while in my car even though she is exempt allegedly made her cry and forced her to show me her exemption card ALL of this is pure fabrication I was giving her a lift somewhere because she did not want to use public transport.
This caused my son not to talk to me for a month until I had apologised it was soul destroying.
This year was the first mother’s day without my Mil she died from Covid before Christmas and he kicked off over the phone because we had asked him if we could wait just 2 more weeks after they went back to work so we could have our first jabs , I have a breathing issue, and because we were 10 mins late signing in to a zoom call even though I told him we would be a few minutes late.
I have been in counselling ever since I have seen them twice since dropping off Easter and birthday gifts for our grandson twice my son blanked me as if I didn’t exist and once she did twice they positioned my grandson so he couldn’t see me I am utterly heartbroken.
Sorry if I’ve gone on a bit x

EllanVannin Sun 09-May-21 12:23:00

I know it's hard but try and keep calm for your own sake. Just keep thinking that they'll need you before you need them----it's quite true and it works. For whatever reason they're not as good at severing contact as we are. Just sit tight and concentrate on your own health, sooner or later you'll be called upon.

Hithere Sun 09-May-21 13:01:28

It sounds like your son and his partner should have never been parents.

Purplepixie Sun 09-May-21 13:13:25

I feel so sorry for you and your husband. Your son and his wife clearly have problems but they have each other and they are not totally your problem now. I can feel your pain connected to you grand son but you need to be strong. Put yourselves before them and step back. They will need you before you need them. You have done too much for them in the past and now they need to stand on their own two feet. Try not to be the first to get in touch. Your health is so important. Be firm with them when they get in touch and point out that you are not going to be treat in this way. Be strong - I had to do that with my daughter and it works. Please let us know how you get on. Sending you love and hugs. X

Veenus Sun 09-May-21 13:16:04

I totally agree with EllanVannin. Step back and they will need you before you need them. I know it is hard to step away from your grandson but it is not a good atmosphere for you to be around. He is very contemptuous.

BlueBelle Sun 09-May-21 13:24:50

This is sad for you and you don’t really know where you stand with them it sounds as if they both have mental health issues and that there may be drink or drugs involved it’s very disturbing that they are both teachers !!!
As struggling newly qualified teachers we supported them
Are they really able to teach a classroom of children when they can’t even speak to you civilly I m sure the classroom of kids is a lot more annoying than you are
You don’t say what your son and father clashed over on the phone but whatever it was I d just lay low for a bit I m sure they will need you sooner rather than later
I m sure you are heartbroken it’s a heartbreaking story that hasn’t been deserved
I hope you find strength

Sara1954 Sun 09-May-21 14:08:20

Bluebelle
I felt the same, should they really be in charge of a classroom of children?
Seriously though, they sound frightful, you have gone above and beyond for them, now back off.
I know this must be desperately hard, with your not knowing what is happening with your grandson, but I’m sure they’ll be back, sponging off you and abusing you, I should just pick up with the childcare, but otherwise let them get on with it.

keepingquiet Sun 09-May-21 18:06:10

They sound an even bigger nightmare than my son and his partner- I'm so sorry they've done this to you-they sound highly dysfunctional.
For what it's worth I think you've done too much for them and because of your generous nature you've become an easy target for them.
Stand back. Take some time to think about yourself, you deserve a peaceful life.
Think about your own boundaries, remind yourself of them often and don't let them knock them down

Oortne Wed 12-May-21 15:43:10

This walking on eggshells is no good. You take care of your own life. This couple need get a grip and stop treating you like rubbish. As for being teachers,this worries me.🤦

Lolorads Thu 13-May-21 19:16:15

I cannot begin to thank you all so very much you have all without exception mirrored what my counsellor has told us but also our family and friends have said the same.
We are very touched by your support and words of kindness.

We don't expect anything to change anytime soon but time is precious and we must make sure we live each day the best we can.

Thank you again 💕

Smileless2012 Fri 14-May-21 09:50:42

As has already been said Lolorads now is the time to withdraw from this toxic relationship and concentrate on your selves.

You have been used for financial and practical support and now your GC is being used as a means to punish you. With nothing of any substance to criticise you for at best, mountains are made out of mole hills and lies are told.

In my experience the lies have been the worse, especially when they came out of the mouth of our ES.

You are right not to have expectations of change anytime soon and about making the most of each day. Time does help, but the pain of estrangement never goes away completely so it's something you learn to live with.

I hope you don't have to live with it for too longflowers.

DiscoDancer1975 Fri 14-May-21 12:44:49

This sounds horrendous for you. How are they with your grandson? If all seems well in that department, and you have no major concerns....hard as it is, you should definitely step back, and leave them to it. You will be poisoned more and more by this as time goes on, and then you’ll be no help to anyone.

It’s so sad and difficult, but I don’t see you have any other choice if you and your husband want to stay well. All the very best to you 💐

jaylucy Fri 14-May-21 12:53:35

Oh , I would just like to come and give you a hug!
I too think that you need to take a step back for a bit.
Your son is an adult but I am a little worried about his controlling ways both to you and his partner.
Having a tantrum just because you were a few minutes late for a zoom call - unbelievable.
He needs help and soon but the only one that can ask is himself. You have done your very best for no thanks from either of them.
The only alternative would be to involve social services if you think that the grandchildren are at risk. Let him organise the childcare without you and see what happens.

BlueBelle Fri 14-May-21 13:35:25

But he’s a teacher jaylucy what if a child comes in to school late !!!

Grammaretto Fri 14-May-21 18:14:33

I agree with a lot of what has been said but there is a small but: Teachers have a very stressful job at present and as DiL is also pregnant I wouldn't be surprised if this could tip her and DS over the edge!
I hope it sorts itself out and they come to their senses and you get to see your lovely DGC soon..
Hugs to you both xx

Madgran77 Fri 14-May-21 19:42:37

As has already been said Lolorads now is the time to withdraw from this toxic relationship and concentrate on your selves

Just this. Look after yourselves. You deserve better. flowers

BlueberryPie Mon 17-May-21 10:30:58

I agree with those who suggest stepping way back from this whole situation.

Unfortunately, it sounds like a close relationship with your son's children is just too chaotic to maintain, for now at least.

Honestly, it's probably better anyway for them to use paid daycare providers because they will have to be far better behaved with them, which will also keep a calmer environment for the children.

I wouldn't drop off any more gifts; the overture is not wanted.

Maybe your son will get help again soon or his wife will leave him and take the children, or some other change that allows you to re-connect positively with part of all of their family.

Just my opinion of course but I think you shouldn't tolerate any more of his unacceptable behavior, full stop. It helps in the short run but hurts in the long run. But I know you are working with a counselor, so... best wishes. Maybe you and your husband can take a nice trip or something. smile

ExD Mon 17-May-21 10:39:30

Snap!
We're in the same position, almost exactly. I didn't see the second baby until she was three, she doesn't know me.
All we can do is .... Nothing.

Lolorads Mon 17-May-21 14:55:25

All of you are so right I'm still struggling with what did that was so wrong ?
And I'm worried that our grandson wonders where we are and he's upset my husband is his only grandad and he adored him my hurt is now that my GS is hurting but like it's been said it's out of our hands x take care all love and best wishes