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Estrangement

My Mother told me I was a "mistake and never wanted " when I was growing up. My older brother and sister were idolised.

(31 Posts)
Cally555 Mon 10-May-21 22:23:55

I was always treated differently. Just trying to make sense of it after years of wondering why she said that to me and never took it back. I mentioned it to my brother and sister years ago and my brother didn't believe me and sister can't remember anything about her childhood. They don't contact me at all. sad

Blossoming Mon 10-May-21 22:47:34

That is so sad, what an awful thing to do to a child. Would some form of talking therapy help you make sense of it and maybe come to terms with it? It doesn’t sound as if your siblings had a happy time either, in their own ways .

CafeAuLait Mon 10-May-21 22:57:15

That is sad and very wrong for your mother. It's a cruel thing to say to a child, let alone treat them differently. I agree with Blossoming that talking with a professional about it all might be good for you.

Hithere Mon 10-May-21 23:13:43

Your sister: It is not unusual not to remember anything about your childhood in cases like this

So sorry you had to go through this, you are so much better off without them

I third suggestion of therapy - works wonders

trisher Mon 10-May-21 23:27:13

My mother once told me that if the baby before me (a boy) hadn't died they would never have had me because they could only afford two children. I don't think she meant it to be hurtful. It was just how things were.

Lollin Mon 10-May-21 23:52:35

You are not the only one cally555 to be treated in this way by your mother and siblings. Other than that I cannot say anything by way of explanation or help. As you say it is sad but I hope you can enjoy what life has to offer outside from such family members.

I agree with blossoming.

grannyactivist Tue 11-May-21 00:43:00

In a discussion on abortion, long after I’d left home, my mother told me very matter-of-factly that of course she would have aborted me if she could have done so legally; I was her third child in less than two and a half years (and she went on to have five more).

Yes, it was a bit hurtful at the time, but I was relieved to understand the context that shaped my younger years, where I always felt that I was a bit of a cuckoo in the nest. My mum was (is) a flawed adult and I made my peace with that decades ago. My life and my mother’s couldn’t be more different, so I can find it in me to forgive her the hurts she inflicted. I don’t forget or minimise the pain she caused me, but nor does it benefit me to dwell on those things.

One of the sayings that gives me comfort, because of its inherent truth is; ‘The past is a foreign country: they do (did) things differently there.’

nanna8 Tue 11-May-21 01:05:21

It seems to be that when you get older these background issues become more prominent. I’m not sure why, perhaps it is the mind and similar to how we remember things long ago but not recently and they prey on us. Cally I think you need to talk to someone about this and it is good that you are able to tell us strangers about it at least. If it is making you unhappy, and I don’t blame you because it is an awful feeling,can you ask to talk to a psychologist about it? The best thing would probably be if you could re connect with your brother and sister somehow, just how it seems to an outsider.

Cally555 Tue 11-May-21 08:30:29

Thank you all for your helpful messages. Onward and upward.

lovebeigecardigans1955 Tue 11-May-21 08:41:05

That is a horrible thing for your mother to say - a parent should never say that to a child, Cally. As you say, onwards and upwards. try to put it behind you.

Loislovesstewie Tue 11-May-21 08:47:29

A horrible thing for any parent to say. My DH had something similar from his parents; it explains exactly why he has felt the way he has for his life. Also explains why he has little to do with them. BTW, you can pick your own family as it were, make friends who think the world of you, make them your family.

DiscoDancer1975 Tue 11-May-21 08:55:13

Loislovesstewie

A horrible thing for any parent to say. My DH had something similar from his parents; it explains exactly why he has felt the way he has for his life. Also explains why he has little to do with them. BTW, you can pick your own family as it were, make friends who think the world of you, make them your family.

Exactly. Just because you’re family, doesn’t mean you have to be glued together. Both my husband and I experienced similar things. We’ve made our children and grandchildren our family. You don’t need them. All the best💐

lemsip Tue 11-May-21 09:34:28

I am one of six . My mother always said 'you don't get two the same' We are all different. all have different memories.
I think that because of different ages so not being in the house at the same time some don't remember what I remember. Not all bad, just different.
I have a 'do you remember' phone call with an older sister and have to agree to differ when she can't recall. Not all bad of course.

Toadinthehole Tue 11-May-21 09:38:34

Bless you, that’s awful, but very common in my experience. I personally think talking here can be great therapy, and hope it helps.

I was adopted...so you’d think, not only would I be wanted by my adoptive parents, but they went out of their way to pick me. However, once they adopted my sister, it was quite clear to me, even at 4 years old, they’d made a mistake with me. It was probably personality clashes. I was feisty and outspoken, maybe not the child my mother would have had naturally. My sister was though.

I felt my dad was indifferent....just going along with it to please my mum. They couldn’t have their own children. It was well noted by my friends, and husband, how differently we were treated.

I had brilliant relations with my maternal grandmother though. I loved her dearly. She used to say I was the daughter she never had. I don’t think she and my mum got on that well.

Like Disco says, I’ve made my children/ grandchildren my life, with a few close friends. That works.

Cally....surround yourself with people you love and who love you back. Remember, your parents were the losers here...not you.

Smileless2012 Tue 11-May-21 09:43:27

What an awful legacy your mother has left you with Callyflowers.

I wonder if your sisters childhood wasn't as it should have been and that's why she says she can't remember itsad. Perhaps your brother's was more positive; 'normal' and that is why he doesn't believe that your mum could have said such a cruel thing to you.

It could be that like you, their childhood was lacking and they don't keep in touch because they too are struggling to come to terms with their past.

I agree with those who've suggested some form of counselling. You'll never know why your mum said this but it may help you to come to terms with it and put it to one side so it doesn't continue to blight the life you have now.

I agree with nanna8 about re connecting with your brother and sister. At least give it a try. I hope that they will want to have some kind of relationship with their sister but if not, at least you'll know that you tried.

Greeneyedgirl Tue 11-May-21 09:53:43

I feel sorry that you feel so much pain and sadness about your childhood and family Cally. I agree with what others have said about seeking counselling. You are definitely not alone, and I think it is rare to find those who had an idyllic childhood.

Your post grannyactivist resonates with me. I always felt like a cuckoo in the nest, and was raised by flawed human beings, but have learned that it helps to forgive, and dwelling on past hurts only continues the damage.

Often the flawed humans who brought us up were in turn raised by flawed humans. Remember Larkin’s poem.

henetha Tue 11-May-21 09:57:47

Sympathy Cally. But just remember that you are as good as anyone else. You are a valid and treasured person. You can be proud that you have risen above this cruelty and survived.
My mother (who did not raise me) told me that she tried hard to abort me. I now find it very satisfactory that in spite of her efforts I have lived for 83 years.

JaneJudge Tue 11-May-21 10:03:29

I agree with everyone else, see a counsellor. It really helps you let go of stuff like this.

Alexa Tue 11-May-21 10:04:55

My mother told me the doctor had said she should not be having me. I felt how lucky I was she made the mistake.

Beckett Tue 11-May-21 10:10:07

I grew up knowing I was second best to my older brother. If I was pleased with exam results I was told how much better he had done. If I said I wanted to attempt something I was told I would not be able to do it, whereas he was always encouraged. It was made clear that he came first in any situation and I was, basically, stupid and would never amount to anything

It was only after I had married and left home that I found out I am not stupid, that I can achieve things I set my mind to. In fact my husband and I ran a very successful business

I found a course of Positive Solution Therapy helped me. I now have a good relationship with my brother and although my mother and I are not close I no longer resent her.

Sago Tue 11-May-21 10:20:59

Cally Hi there, my mother had NPD, she adored my brother and despised me.
The words that resound in my head are “ I rue the day you were born”
My mother was an evil bitter twisted woman, I was never loved by anyone as a child, she made sure of that.

I have never had counselling, my therapy is a happy marriage and 3 wonderful children.
I have however studied NPD and how it effects the victims..

My mother died last June and thanks to COVID I didn’t have to go through the charade of a big funeral, just myself, my husband her niece and 1 other person.

The relief I feel now she is dead is enormous.
I just want a few more years on this earth without her.

I am not a nasty or cruel person, but the pain she, my father and brother put me through was truly awful.
I was emotionally and physically abused for as long as I can remember.
To be a parent and now a grandparent and imagine uttering such words to a child is abhorrent.

There is no excuse for such behaviour and you are a victim of emotional abuse.
I hope you find someone to talk to.

EllanVannin Tue 11-May-21 10:59:27

After a sharp intake of breath all I can say is how cruel. x

timetogo2016 Tue 11-May-21 11:05:28

Cally,your mother could have said in a bit of a temper.
Also because you took it seriously you started looking for ways she treated your brother and sister.
I hope i am right,if not, as you say onwards and upwards.

TrendyNannie6 Tue 11-May-21 11:06:06

Reading this breaks my heart, I can’t believe a mother could be that cruel,please believe you are as good as anyone else calls, talking this through with a therapist might help, best wishes to you love

EllanVannin Tue 11-May-21 11:10:59

This sort of thing would have a huge impact on you for the rest of your life. I can't believe that any mother would ever say this to a child and make it obvious also. What a start in life ! sad