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Estrangement

Daughter Detox ~ Recovering from an Unloving Mother

(164 Posts)
VioletSky Sat 27-Nov-21 15:22:08

Has anyone read this?

I was thinking about buying this book and perhaps other unloved daughters could too and we could use this thread to discuss it?

Or are there any other resources you found particularly helpful that you could share here?

Or do you just need somewhere to talk and be heard about your experiences growing up with your family of origin?

I have cake smile

VioletSky Sat 27-Nov-21 15:38:37

Resources and conversation for those who have married into families where relationships have strained or broken welcome too.

I don't really know my MIL but do support my husband through his tough times with her.

freedomfromthepast Sat 27-Nov-21 15:57:24

Thank you for starting this thread. It is nice to have a place where EAC can discuss their experiences and past openly, without judgement.

When I first realized that my mother was toxic I did read a few books, not sure this was one of them or not. I know I looked at it. It was all a shock to me to realize that, after 40+ years, I finally understood our relationship, or lack thereof. As I am sure you all did, I scoured everything I could read trying to understand what was happening.

I will pull this book up again and have a second look.

VioletSky Sat 27-Nov-21 16:20:29

I've read You aren't crazy, it's your mother and found it really helpful. Do you have that one freedom?

freedomfromthepast Sat 27-Nov-21 16:28:59

Yes. That is one of the first ones I read. I felt like she had written the book about my mother.

I may need to go back and review it.

VioletSky Sat 27-Nov-21 16:47:19

Yes, I did the same as you when I first came out of the fog and maybe reading these books again now will be a totally different experience

PoppyBlue Sat 27-Nov-21 17:37:19

Well done for starting the thread Violet flowers

I haven't read any books on this, my DM isn't toxic I don't think, she's just a very flakey person and is best in small doses which suits everyone.
My Dad was a different story, but he's passed now so I've been able to heal from that.

Had some issues with MIL over the years which we have all recovered from and get on like a house on fire now.
I'm not sure what happens to some parents once there is a grandchild born.

Will look forward to reading more replies on this thread wine

VioletSky Sat 27-Nov-21 19:00:24

Thanks PoppyBlue

I've ordered the book, I've been thinking about it for a while as I follow the author on Facebook.

She writes some really good posts and articles, and handles things so well when she comes under fire.

freedomfromthepast Sat 27-Nov-21 20:30:05

I am going to research her site a bit more when I have a chance to sit down later. My brain thinks that I do not need that type of book right now, but maybe I am wrong.

I sometimes take a second look at the books I do have. I read them at first to try and understand the situation, I am reading them again to try and understand the person.

I don't even talk about forgiveness, but maybe that is what it is for me. If I understand why she is the way she is it will help me forgive her for a lifetime of emotional abuse.

Of course, that step has been stopped in it's tracks recently since I have had to have contact with her in regards to my Grandmother. She, of course, has done nothing but cause problems for everyone the last two months, so I find it hard to forgive when she is actively TRYING to cause problems.

Of course this leads to me having to stand up to her, since I am the only one who will, which then leads to another narcissistic injury for her. And the cycle continues.

At least, for now, she is not speaking to me after she got caught making bad (and illegal) choices. I had a quiet holiday this week.

VioletSky Sun 28-Nov-21 00:26:00

freedom maybe save it until you need it, at the moment you have a lot of hurdles to jump that she is placing in your way.

During my recovery from graves, when I was still hyper and my body and mind was going so fast I was too exhausted to make the 5 minute walk to school in one go, I answered my mother. I later answered my brother.

I would not have done that normally, I was just too unwell to think straight then and it undid years of recovery I think letting her in my head. I was anxious and paranoid and vulnerable.

I've heard stories from other graves sufferers after joing support group that make my worst times sound appealing..

Healing from abuse doesn't make us as good as new, like it didn't happen but that's OK, because some people don't try to mend their flaws, they just hide them, deny them, pretend that those who see their flaws are the broken ones.

VioletSky Sun 28-Nov-21 00:27:38

It's all a journey

BigBertha1 Sun 28-Nov-21 07:39:28

I haven't read a book about. I have often tried to write about it but it's just too painful. I have had some counselling but I always leave when it gets too much. After years of being more open about it with DH I do understand it better than I used too.

Urmstongran Sun 28-Nov-21 08:34:37

This is just an observation ladies as very fortunately I know nothing about this topic. However, as you are now all adults, would it perhaps not be better to let the past just lie? I imagine it must be like picking at a scab on your knee as a child. Either let it heal over or worry it to death, picking until you make the area sore and bleed.

Baggs Sun 28-Nov-21 08:37:02

Could someone explain what this phrase means, please?

"recovery from graves"

Luckygirl3 Sun 28-Nov-21 10:05:49

My mother was a difficult woman with lots of problems of her own - strict upbringing, a huge chip on her shoulder about men (which led to endless marital strife) , and severe PMT. This made her a not very loving mother - she went through the motions and there were birthday parties, holidays etc., but she had nil ability to show any love: no cuddles, no hugs, no praise, never a word of affection. It is only as an adult that I was able to understand her problems - but as a child you are only aware of the sadness these problems caused, and with no explanation.

I think that all of this had a profound effect on me and in some ways is with me still.

But do I need to "detox" or to read my way through these miseries laid bare and nit-picked over? I don't think so - life is what it is; people are what they are - with all the imperfections and challenges that are simply a part of life.

I concentrated on showering my own DDs with love and praise, and they seem to have turned out OK. I will be content with that and refrain from opening old wounds.

March Sun 28-Nov-21 10:16:38

I'd find it hard to forgive someone who is still trying to cause harm. There needed to be a line drawn in the sand for me to get past the hurt.
It needed to be acknowledged.

I've had therapy a few times as the way I was raised definitely effected me as an adult and how I cope and deal with situations. I usually ended up getting walked all over.
But that was then. I've grown alot, I know healthy relationships and how to deal with not so healthy one's.

Kandinsky Sun 28-Nov-21 10:19:34

I feel exactly the same Luckygirl3
My mother was very cold & not once did she tell me she loved me. She was also physically abusive, but back then children were smacked so it never got picked up on at school - even though the tops of my legs were covered in hand mark bruises.
Today, social workers would have been involved but back then? Nothing.
But do I dwell on it?
No.
Absolutely no point.
I’ve got my own family & concentrate on them rather than raking over the past.

PoppyBlue Sun 28-Nov-21 10:28:26

Sometimes people need still need to talk about and process information.

One size doesn't fit all. What works for one, won't work for another.
Would you go over to the other estrangement thread and say the same?

Chewbacca Sun 28-Nov-21 10:29:37

I completely agree with Urmstongran, Lucky girl & Kandinsky, the constant picking open of old wounds would seem counterproductive to moving forward with life and would completely undo all the progress I've made. It would be self sabotage.
Grieve - learn - don't repeat - succeed.

MerylStreep Sun 28-Nov-21 10:51:59

Luckygirl
How true about our mothers. It’s only when you become an adult and hear small details of their upbringing that you get an insight into why they are like they are.
Some would say that my fathers violence was unforgivable. But
when I was older I learnt that he was just 19 when he was called to be a signalman on the Russian convoys. He had PTSD but of course it wasn’t known of then.
You become an adult and sort it out yourself. You can be a victim, or choose not to be.

AmberSpyglass Sun 28-Nov-21 11:13:42

That doesn’t mean we can’t process and undo the harm that’s been done to us so we stop the cycle in its tracks.

Iam64 Sun 28-Nov-21 11:37:45

Moving on is usually a positive outcome from processing trauma. Trauma can’t be washed away but it’s possible to process, integrate, accept and move on

VioletSky Sun 28-Nov-21 11:50:50

Graves is an autoimmune condition which attacks your thyroid and causes hyperthyroidism and all sorts of havoc with your hormones and systems. I ended up with thyrotoxicosis which is life threatening. Google can explain it all better than me.

To all of those who have found their own ways to heal after abuse, I'm so glad for you, feel welcome to share. I've always been a bit of a reader and books/writing works well for me.

VioletSky Sun 28-Nov-21 12:03:02

BigBertha1

I haven't read a book about. I have often tried to write about it but it's just too painful. I have had some counselling but I always leave when it gets too much. After years of being more open about it with DH I do understand it better than I used too.

I'm sorry it has been so painful for you and I understand.

VioletSky Sun 28-Nov-21 12:07:39

March

I'd find it hard to forgive someone who is still trying to cause harm. There needed to be a line drawn in the sand for me to get past the hurt.
It needed to be acknowledged.

I've had therapy a few times as the way I was raised definitely effected me as an adult and how I cope and deal with situations. I usually ended up getting walked all over.
But that was then. I've grown alot, I know healthy relationships and how to deal with not so healthy one's.

I should never have answered my mum and brother and I don't think I would have if not for illness.

It brought back the pain and it brought back that they just won't listen or understand where I am coming from.

Even though I logically know this, emotionally was a different story.

What I know about this book is that it has a lot of focus on behaviours I may have learnt from my upbringing that will affect how I engage with others so the emphasise will be on making me a better version of myself.

I am hopeful anyway