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Need advise on adult children

(20 Posts)
Gem56 Fri 14-Jan-22 16:31:25

I am new to this forum. I am so happy to find a place where people can share stories on this topic of estrangement. I wanted to condense my story, otherwise I would of written a novel (best seller at that!) My story starts in 2013, a lot of drama happend in the family of which ; according to everyone I was the cause of it. I did a noble gesture by reporting theft of money from my Mom’s bank account from a family member. I had this investigated hoping that I was wrong, but it turned out even worse then I thought. My 2 adult children could not understand and did not approve of my findings, they wanted to stay in the dark. I was branded a crazy person and the family member turned the table on me to say I was after my mothers money- far from the truth. They made sure to destroy my character to relatives and friends of the family along with my children. 2016 my mother passed away, the funeral was quite a disgusting display, I on once side and everyone else including my children stayed on the other side. I cannot believe what went on, what a sad way to honour my Mother. After that things got worse with my 2 children, communications stopped no more phone calls, happy birthdays, Christmas gatherings etc. It was like I was dead to them (ouch that hurt me so much) At this point I needed to compose myself (being a child from a dysfunctional family really did a number on me) I knew I had to stay away from everyone including my children, they made that obvious. As time went by I tried to have some phone calls with my children, but it was not the same. I was like a scared little girl reaching out to my adult child, not normal. It was obvious to me I felt guilty and shamed about this situation. I had to work on this, so I let more time go by. Now fast forward to 2022, not much progress with my children. Several attempts of phone calls did not accomplish much, they seem to not want to deal with me. I have moments of sadness, heartbreak and worst of all I feel they betrayed me (even worse) I wish them much happiness in life and hope things will change as the age further, for now I am living in Limbo with this situation.

Baggs Fri 14-Jan-22 16:35:51

What happened to your mother's money?

Gem56 Fri 14-Jan-22 16:43:48

Hi Baggs, bank account was frozen until she died. Family member has already done damage at that point.

GagaJo Fri 14-Jan-22 18:09:36

Who stole it?

Germanshepherdsmum Fri 14-Jan-22 18:09:41

Which family member had taken her money and how?

Namsnanny Fri 14-Jan-22 18:14:25

Gem56 ... Is it your understanding, that your AC have cut communication with you, because you found another member of the family using your Mothers bank account and acted accordingly?
Which they disagree with?

VioletSky Fri 14-Jan-22 19:05:54

I am very sorry to read your situation

It is very hard to understand why they would stop speaking to you after drawing attention to someone stealing from your mother.

Was it proven who took the money? What has the accused family member been saying about you?

smoothie Fri 14-Jan-22 19:17:32

Gem56 it is such an awful thing to be cast out by your family, I can't imagine how confusing and painful it must be for you in trying to reconcile that, by doing what you genuinely believed (and continue to believe) to be the right thing to do, your family has turned away from you. That combination has no doubt led to a constant internal struggle for you I'm sure, likely a lot of rumination as well.

If you haven't done so already, may I suggest that you busy yourself with a new activity, preferably outside, to get your mind onto something new and exciting? I, myself, am a ruminator in that I find myself much too comfortable sitting inside, constantly thinking about past memories and how they affected me, what I wish had happened or what I wish I said or did. It's not good for me, and it is a never-ending time-waster that benefits no one! We have thought about these things long enough. Can you find some new joy in your life to get your mind off things? Do you have a partner that can accompany you on new adventures?

Very sorry that you are going through this. I want to say, you should be proud of yourself for doing what you knew to be the right thing to do, even though it came at a high cost. flowers

Gem56 Fri 14-Jan-22 19:33:38

Smoothie, thanks so much for your comments, you seemed to really understand my situation. I try not to dwell to often on this situation, thoughts do run through my mind I try to deal with my emotions as they come in. I know I did the right thing protecting my moms finances, but I am still paying the price. I am still working so that distracts me, when not working I enjoy going to the gym (only when open during the COVID) I like to take long walks on the weekends weather permitting, reading books (currently Princess Diana Biography) summer is great for BBQ and swimming (we have a pool and enjoy the outdoors)

Poppyred Fri 14-Jan-22 20:17:01

Gem56 answer the questions asked so that we get the whole picture please.

Gem56 Fri 14-Jan-22 20:48:44

Poppyred- Seems that my post is getting more response on the money issue, that was not my intention or focus of what I was trying to convey ie: estrangement. This should not be an analysis of events that took place, it merely was the start of events that took place.

VioletSky Fri 14-Jan-22 20:54:27


Your opening post asks for advice and people will not be able to do that without full understanding

There is a general support thread if you are looking for support only

Poppyred Fri 14-Jan-22 20:57:16

Gem56 cant advise without the full picture…….

CanadianGran Fri 14-Jan-22 21:04:43

Gem, I don't think you need to divulge any more details about who took the money, assuming it was another family member with access.

Did this coming to light ruin your other family member's relationship with the guilty party? Or only yours for bringing it out in the open?

I don't really have any immediate advise. I would think that children would see that you were trying to protect their grandmother. since this has gone on for so long, I assume there must be some other issues. The best you can do is reach out to your children, perhaps a letter would be better if they are not interested in talking. Then at least you can have a chance to tell your side of the story to them and leave it in their hands.

smoothie Fri 14-Jan-22 23:17:18

I'm so glad that you have things you enjoy doing! In reading your reply I realized that even when out physically doing things we can still dwell on the negatives while doing those things. Maybe you should try something that is also mentally stimulating that requires a lot of focus or thought? It doesn't have to be a whole big thing, just a daily reminder to yourself that you should also do some self care for your mind like you do self care for your body (by going to the gym). Others in your type of situation have benefitted from seeing a counselor in order to effectively process the pain they experienced, not sure if you'd be interested in that?

We don't need to know the specifics of what went on in order to understand that Gem56 is hurting and would appreciate some comfort. Clearly, and especially after Gem has said so, the advice desired here is not one that is predicated on the specifics of what happened, otherwise the specifics would have been presented. Therefore, out of all the advices that could possibly be given, take away the kind of advice dependent on the details and then supply the advice that remains. smile

smoothie Fri 14-Jan-22 23:27:12

Poppyred you need the full picture to help, which is fair. But it has been said that the full picture is not going to be provided, which means your help and this specific post are not compatible. Put down the telephone, Gem56 is not going to answer your calls. I'm so sorry sad

welbeck Fri 14-Jan-22 23:49:05

the way it's written, i sounds like the adult children were or may have been involved in benefiting from releasing this money from mom's account.
they may have felt that it would come to them eventually, and since they needed it sooner, or it might be depleted by taxes later, that it was merely a technical infringement to take it now.
this attitude may have motivated the AC, whether or not they directly benefited from these funds.
there is no way around it. it is a difference of opinions.
have you tried counselling to cope with this situation.

EilaRose Sat 15-Jan-22 03:53:37

My adoptive mother's bank account was drained by her daughter too, so I know exactly how you feel. I knew it was happening long before AM passed away, but the bank wouldn't do anything because AM had to lodge a complaint...and no way would she say anything against #1 DD!!

Also AM had given her DD the PIN along with her debit and credit cards, which the bank stated was 'giving permission' to proceed.

I didn't want, or expect, any of the money or other possessions from the estate but the last time I saw her DD was at the funeral when the publicly tried to humiliate me. Funny thing is that family and AM's friends witnessed the whole debacle and some asked later how I kept so calm and didn't fire back.

No way, was I going to lower myself to her standards...was my reply. Sorry it happened to you too!~

VioletSky Sat 15-Jan-22 11:08:44

The only thing I can say then is to write a letter outlining what happened and why you thought it was the right thing to do.

This letter would need to contain no guilt trips or anything negative about their reaction to events as that would likely put them off listening.

Tell them that you will listen and answer their questions.

It's also very important to not say anything negative about the family member they have sided with apart from the facts in regards to this situation as that may stop them listening too.

I agree that it would also be a good idea to get some counselling for yourself to help you cope with this painful situation.

SporeRB Sat 15-Jan-22 21:58:20

Gem, I am sorry you are going through this. It seems to me that your family member, ie; sibling is a text book narcissist.

I found a few websites which may help you in your situation.