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Estrangement

Estranged hut sending cards

(95 Posts)
Allsorts Fri 29-Apr-22 06:45:32

I have continued throughout the difficult years leading up to complete estrangement, sending cards, now I am wondering if I should stop. I can't write what I don't feel, choose a card that has sentiments I do not feel. She has deliberately cut me off and I don't hear from her or my gd, no cards. She goes away Christmas and birthdays, the cards are no doubt weeks out of date when she gets them. Somewhere inside it gave me a link to her, but she is not the daughter I once had. It is all so final. In my head still I can never understand anyone doing this to their mother.

Grammaretto Fri 29-Apr-22 07:02:48

I don't have any advice Allsorts but I do feel sorry for you. I think I would continue to send the cards if you always have unless you have been told not to.
No-one can take away your own memories of better times.

Greenfinch Fri 29-Apr-22 07:11:01

I would continue sending them too. There is always the hope that the situation might change. Circumstances change ,and given even more time, things may improve. Never give up hope.

Oopsadaisy1 Fri 29-Apr-22 07:12:21

I would second Grammarettos post, but instead of buying cards with sentiments that are no longer appropriate you could maybe write about the good times when she was a child? That way you could write about better times.
I’m sorry though that she is ignoring your cards.💐

mumofmadboys Fri 29-Apr-22 07:34:04

I am sadly estranged from my sister- my only sibling left as my brother has died. It has been nearly 4 years now. I send her , my BIL and 3 nephews cards for birthdays and Christmas but get nothing back. I had decided I would stop at a certain point but when it came to it I couldn't so I carry on and hope one day .....

argymargy Fri 29-Apr-22 07:38:40

You will always have a link with her and she with you. I’m not sure I would continue with the cards, as this may just annoy her or make her feel guilty every time she receives one. Perhaps a final card saying that you will always be there, when she wants to reach out, whenever that may be, no questions asked & no recriminations.

Bridie22 Fri 29-Apr-22 07:56:15

I stopped sending cards Allsorts, they didn't provide any link as they weren't acknowledged and that just dashed any hopes I had of communication. It hurts either way.

Yoginimeisje Fri 29-Apr-22 08:11:56

I used to always send cards to my beloved GC for birthdays, Easter & Xmas, never sent one to my D. I would write nice things about our family and how much I loved and missed them. After 6yrs I stopped, finding it harder & harder to write to someone that I haven't seen or heard anything about for all those years. Felt better for it, stopped lighting candles & putting monies in their bank accounts I opened for them, just stopped it all & finally moved on.

Yoginimeisje Fri 29-Apr-22 08:21:33

I should say that after a couple of years they moved, so no add to send cards to, I still bought & wrote the cards but then just 'posted' them in their gift sacks I kept in my spare room.

mumof my son estranged a year later, lead by his sister, no add. for him either. I would send ecards, again after 6yrs I told myself to stop, but on his birthday I just couldn't not send. 2 weeks later I got a long email from him ending in asking to come home. He's been back 2.5yrs now, we get on really well, as we did before the unexplained estrangement.

DiscoDancer1975 Fri 29-Apr-22 08:31:21

I think I would continue too, but not cards with all their pre chosen words, and perhaps slushiness...which is understandably difficult, but just something hand written. Short and to the point. Saying you’re her mother, and you can’t just switch her off. You’ll always love her.

I was in this position for 18 months, but we still exchanged emails to try to right things, which eventually we did. Never give up hope. While you’re both still alive...it’s always there.

God bless, and take care 💐

Sallywally1 Fri 29-Apr-22 08:38:05

I was sending birthday and Christmas gifts to my grandsons, but I got a very curt message telling me to stop, saying they were either ‘re gifted or binned ‘ his words. However I still send cards and will continue to do so. One day a bespeckled blond haired little boy will turn up on my doorstep and say ‘hello nanny’. That is my hope anyway.

Smileless2012 Fri 29-Apr-22 09:35:35

Allsortsflowers. Does the process of choosing, buying, writing and sending the cards help you? If so, then carry on but only you know if this isn't prolonging the agony and preventing you from letting go and moving on.

We have never sent our ES cards. It was on his birthday just before the final blow was struck, that I 'phoned as I always did to say his card and present was at our house and heard the recorded message "the person you are calling is no longer accepting calls from this number".

For 7 years we sent cards to our only GC, although they've never known us, buying two to send one and keep the other for a memory box, but stopped sending cards 2 years ago.

I realised at that time that by sending cards even though they weren't to him, I was maintaining a connection that I no longer needed or wanted anymore.

For me, it was an enormous relief to have finally got to the stage where I knew that my life was happier and I was emotionally and mentally healthier without him.

Sallywally flowers I hope it happens for you one day, I hope it never happens to us. It will be 10 years at the end of this year, and we now have peace and happiness that we'd never thought possible; I want to keep it that way.

JaneJudge Fri 29-Apr-22 09:39:02

I cannot comment on whether it is appropriate or not as I have no idea what the background to the estrangement is. BUT it seems to be causing you emotional pain to send these cards, so do what helps you now.

Allsorts Fri 29-Apr-22 18:02:53

I think eventually there’s no point, you don’t know each other anymore, too much has gone on to ever reconnect , I think that’s where I’ve got to. There’s some kind of peace knowing I tried everything and it’s over. It’s knowing you are responsible for your own happiness.

Madgran77 Fri 29-Apr-22 18:22:00

Allsorts

I think eventually there’s no point, you don’t know each other anymore, too much has gone on to ever reconnect , I think that’s where I’ve got to. There’s some kind of peace knowing I tried everything and it’s over. It’s knowing you are responsible for your own happiness.

I think that is very true Allsorts flowers

crazyH Fri 29-Apr-22 18:45:55

flowers for all you sweet ladies, who are in pain xx

Smileless2012 Sat 30-Apr-22 09:33:00

Your post @ 18.02 yesterday says all that needs to be said Allsorts.

It was only when we accepted that "it's over" and there was nothing we could do about it that we found peace. We are as you say, responsible for our own happiness and you can and will be happy againflowers.

Sara1954 Sat 30-Apr-22 11:08:57

I think I would stop.
I can’t say for certain because luckily I’m not in that situation, but I’m estranged from my mother, over the last twenty years she’s sent the odd card randomly, with always a few misguided words, I never respond.

25Avalon Sat 30-Apr-22 12:25:04

I would keep the channel of communication open. You never know what the future will bring and then you can never blame yourself. You do need, however, at the same time to try and detach yourself. Perhaps just send a plain card with little writing inside. Eventually with no response you may decide to detach completely. It’s a heartbreaking situation you are in.

VioletSky Sat 30-Apr-22 13:35:02

If you are ready to stop, then stop.

With family members who estranged me when I estranged my mother, it hurt for a while. I hoped they would see me and realise that what I had been saying was the truth.

Now I just feel, those relationships just can't be those close family relationships that I hoped for in parents and siblings... I finally just let go of them.

You can start to look at the other close relationships you have, and realise your real value.

I looked at all the amazing relationships I do have and realised those deserved all my emotional energy, not past relationships that made me deeply unhappy.

If you are ready to stop trying, I don't think its a bad thing

inishowen Sat 30-Apr-22 15:23:23

Perhaps if you stop she may wonder why. Itcould prompt her to see what the reason was.

Smileless2012 Sat 30-Apr-22 16:01:59

You never know inishowen but IMO the decision should be made because it's the right thing for Allsorts to do for herself.

jeanie99 Wed 04-May-22 01:44:24

Only you can make that decision, I would keep a communication line open if only for your grandchildren. One day when they are older their curiosity may lead them to your door.
Include your phone number and address and say how much you miss and love them.

Shelflife Wed 04-May-22 08:27:16

Allsorts, clearly you are not alone in this dreadful situation., I can not imagine being estranged from any one of my AC / GC. You must be full of emotions , a sense if great loss, despair and possibly anger . I have no experience of this so can only assume what I would do in that situation. The longer a person is estranged from a parent the harder it becomes to return to the fold. I think I would continue with the cards , maybe blank ones so you can add your own short message, or certainly not over sentimental ones ! That way you are leaving the door open for her. When it comes to card sending times , buy the card pop it in the post and then carry in with your day - do not allow the process to set the wheels in motion as to the estrangement. In other words do this on in automatic pilot, please do not start analysing why you are in this situation- thoughts on the back burner approach! I am so sad you are in this situation and only you know what is best for you. I wish you well , whatever happens enjoy your life ! Good luck.

M0nica Wed 04-May-22 09:14:26

On a purely practical note, I do not have the experience to have an opinion on these tragic circumstances. it is possible to get cards with nothing written inside or on the front, just a nice picture, so that at least the cards you send do not contain sentiments I do not feel