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Estrangement

Struggling

(25 Posts)
Toby1932 Fri 27-May-22 10:50:15

I have not been on here for a long time, well not posted anyway.
I’m just struggling with my situation with my daughter and my wee grandson.
I met my husband when my daughter was 12.
There was a lot of adjustment on both sides as he has 2 daughters too at much the same age. But just normal things that you’d expect.
We have had a few run ins with my daughter since she was 16.
She totally anhialated us all over social media for no reason and went to live on campus.
Then as we parents do, we forgave and forgot everything. Then when she was 18 she got involved with a much older man and a bit of a layabout so we told her we could not stop her seeing him but he would never be welcome in our home she argued she’d bring him in if she wanted. After a bit of to and fro she decided she was going to live with him and they got engaged.
We didn’t agree as did her whole family. Eventually she left him and everything was great till last year.
She had a little boy by then. We took him every weekend for her to allow her to have a life. And took him whenever she wanted us to. Looked after him while she went to university.
We had a fantastic relationship with her and him. My daughter and I have always been very close. Phoned each other every day and saw each other most days.
She told us she was bisexual a long time ago and 3 years ago she met a woman. We were really happy for them.
But last year everything just exploded.
For no reason
Suddenly she she wanted nothing to do with us. Told her wife and in laws, all her friend and all over social media that we were awful parents. We emotionally abused her. We threw her out when we knew she was in an abusive relationship, just loads of stuff that totally untrue.
But we can’t defend ourselves as she won’t talk to us and if we say anything she is threatening us not seeing our grandson.
She has allowed us to only see him one day twice a month. He misses us so much and keeps asking if we still love and want him. Cries when we take him home and doesn’t want to stay with his mum etc
My heart is breaking. I miss my daughter so much although I’m very angry at her.
But this little man is suffering and there is nothing I can do except keep telling him how much we love him and want him when we do see him.
I just don’t know what to do any more

Smileless2012 Fri 27-May-22 11:13:28

I'm so very sorry Toby but there's nothing more you can do.

It must be breaking your heart to see your D use her own child in this way, and she's the one accusing you of emotional abuse when she's emotionally abusing her own child as well as her parents!!

I hope that you'll continue to see your GS for his sake as much as your own, and if that means keeping quiet then that's what you must do. flowers

Whiff Fri 27-May-22 12:19:08

Toby so sorry but like Smiles said you are doing all you can. Your grandson knows how much you love him and love being with him and that's the main thing for now. But he will get older and make his own choices. It's hard but at least you see him. 💐

westerlywind Fri 27-May-22 12:42:14

Sorry to hear of this OP.
It seems to be the current trend with a lot of mums these days that if a grandparent does not please the mums at all time the grandchildren are withdrawn from the grandparents.
It is a very cruel thing to do to both the grandchildren and the grandparents. Depending on ages of the grandchildren and grandparent this could well be classed as abuse. It is a horrible thing to do to the closest relatives of the mums. Very cruel and nasty

Hithere Fri 27-May-22 12:56:39

How old is your gc?

I would make these visits with your gc fun.

buffyfly9 Fri 27-May-22 13:08:34

Totally agree with Hithere, try to remain calm and friendly, don't ask any questions of your daughter, just continue having your grandson when you can and make every minute he is with full of love and fun. They soon grow up and start having their own opinions; My grandsons (14 and 12) just ring me up and make their own visiting arrangements and quite often bypass their mother completely!!' Your daughter obviously still needs you, it's a waiting game but I really feel for you. Grandchildren seem to be used as a weapon a lot these days, something that would never have occurred to me.

GagaJo Fri 27-May-22 13:17:13

Children and grandchildren. My ex-husb avoided having our daughter when we separated as a way to try to prevent me from going out and meeting someone new.

My DD uses my DGS to get back at me when she's angry. Doesn't seem to bother her that it distresses my DGS.

Toby1932 Fri 27-May-22 13:20:10

Thank you everyone. It makes me feel less alone with all your comments.
“ Hithere” my grandson is 4. When we get him we make it all about him. We stake ohm places all the time ie zoo, safari park, beach etc. he gets to pick what he wants to do and when we get home we play with him and his toys all the time.
We always tell him that we love him to the moon and back. And no matter what, we will always love him and be here for him.
I don’t understand why she is using him like this. As noted she is doing to him what she has accused us of.
She talks about us to him too.
Last month he said “my mummy hates you Papa” we just said “well that’s ok but we still love your Mummy” although he then proceeded to say”but I love you and I think you are the best Papa in the world” ❤️
We NEVER discuss my daughter etc in front of him and always tell him his mummy and Mumma love him lots.
There is no way I’m dragging him down.
I just hope he remembers us and how we behaved.
I know I’m wishing his life away but I can’t wait for the day he can legally decide for himself if he wants to see us

buffyfly9 Fri 27-May-22 13:31:32

You sound such lovely grandparents, you can do no more. Your grandson loves you and no matter what happens he will always remember how much you love him too.

hazel93 Fri 27-May-22 13:38:00

How bloody awful for you !
Seems obvious to me your daughter has an axe to grind but you have no idea why and rightly so.
She has said as parents you were abusive yet still allows you to see your DGS, albeit rarely , no Mother would
allow you anywhere close if her accusations were true.
Hold on to that thought and wait for her to sort herself out. There must be way more that is going on in her life than you are aware of. Just be there for the fallout !

Hithere Fri 27-May-22 14:46:49

This innocent 4 y.o. is caught in the crossfire.

Given the background given, your daughter may or not have legitimate issues with her upbringing and how it affected her, whether you consider them valid or not

Lark123 Fri 27-May-22 15:04:10

I think you are handling this awful situation very well Toby1932 and your DH as well.

Your little GS will most certainly remember you and your DH as being 'the bright spot' in his little life as he matures, and forever I expect.

You are doing right not to criticize or react in any way to your daughter's dreadful behaviour when the little one is with you.

Keep making it all about him, treating him to as much a normal, loving life when with you as you have been, and leave his mother out of it.

You're teaching him a valuable lesson; not to stop loving someone close to you by condemning their behaviour.

The hurt you are privately feeling is very sad, but keep your loving, normal and sensible focus on your grandchild, and I wish you all well, you don't need to do any more than that smile

DiamondLily Fri 27-May-22 15:11:16

Your daughter, from your post, sounds immature and flaky, to be honest.

Using your GS, as some sort of bargaining chip, and holding him over you as a threat, is not the action of a loving parent.

If she thinks you were that awful, why on earth has she allowed you so much unsupervised contact previously?

It doesn't make sense. Surely, any AC that really felt they had awful or abusive parents would keep their children well away?

All you can do, at the moment, is to be a lovely granny when you do see him. Give him fun days, don't talk about his mother, and he will form his relationship with you from that.

Hopefully, one day, your daughter will grow up a bit, and if she's got an issue with you, then talk about it with you.

These ACs that use their own children like this, to get at their parents, really aren't putting their children's needs first.

Smileless2012 Fri 27-May-22 16:06:28

AC who do this are only thinking of themselves and the best way of enacting revenge.

You're making wonderful memories for your GS Toby, memories he'll treasure for the rest of his life.

Mine Fri 27-May-22 16:08:56

I take my hat off to you TOBY 32....You sound like such a great mum and gran....Only your daughter knows what her issues are....Just keep letting your grandson know how much you love him and his mum....Hope you always get to see him and some day you get an apology and your daughter back

VioletSky Sat 28-May-22 13:57:47

I think you need to get some counselling to really talk through this.

Your daughters perceptions of the relationship are very different to yours.

An example of that in the text, you refused to have anything to do with a man she was in a relationship with and would not allow him to your home.

Your daughters perception could be that, she loved a man, her parents refused to support that relationship and made the situation so difficult she felt forced out of the family home.

That is a valid perception.

As parents it is easy to think we have made all the mistakes and know what is best for our children but our children are individual, they have their own feelings and autonomy. Its often best to suport them within their choices so we can be there for them because it isnt our place to control them...

Your daughter has her feelings and perceptions that are preventing her from having a good relationship with you.

Denying her feelings and perceptions leaves you at stalemate, no where to go from here.

The best way forward is to acknowledge her feelings and perceptions, understand that they are real and hurting her. When you do that, when you can honestly say that perhaps your ways of doing things actually hurt her because she is a different person to you or the person you tried to faise her to be, she may feel finally sddn and accepted.

From her side, when she can see that you love her enough to admit that how things were handled were not right for her as individual, she may be able to see that at the time, the way you handled things came from a good place.

Then you can move forward together with a better understanding of each other

BlueBelle Sat 28-May-22 14:31:41

You sound wonderful grandparents and I would think you are doing everything right with your grandson It’s a shame your daughter not only has these perceptions about her younger life (which may or not be true) but has verbalised them to all and sundry and if they are not true that’s awful
All you can do is carry on as you are , as your grandson gets older he will see more and more to make his own mind up (which he sounds as if he has done already)

Do you know or have any clues what happened a year ago when everything changed?
Good luck, hang in there toby

Hithere Sat 28-May-22 15:14:16

Following up in VS's post, you said you remarried at 12 and some adjustments had to be made.

What adjustments were those?

For a 12 y.o. sees this situation very differently than an adult

Hithere Sat 28-May-22 15:14:47

Up on, not in

Edit function!

Toby1932 Sun 29-May-22 09:11:15

Hithere

Following up in VS's post, you said you remarried at 12 and some adjustments had to be made.

What adjustments were those?

For a 12 y.o. sees this situation very differently than an adult

The adjustments I mean are sitting the 3 girls down and making sure they are happy.
Giving them time to get to know everyone, my husband built a new bedroom for my daughter so she had her own space.
We made time for each of the girls as in if my daughter needed time just with me then she told us and her and I would have a girlie day, whatever she wanted to do and my husband did the same for his girls.
We kept my daughter at her school for as long as we could till she made friends in this town and wanted to go to school with them.
Made sure she still had plenty of time with her grandparents as she was used to.

Toby1932 Sun 29-May-22 09:12:57

We also had family nights and each of the girls got to choose what that entailed.

Elless Sun 29-May-22 09:19:58

This story brought tears to my eyes, your grandson is at such a vulnerable age and must be so confused.
You sound like you are dealing with the situation in a very mature way, exactly the opposite to your daughter, but that is an age thing, and in years to come she will look back and know she was wrong to do this but that is no consolation to you now. 💐

Toby1932 Sun 29-May-22 09:25:02

Elless

This story brought tears to my eyes, your grandson is at such a vulnerable age and must be so confused.
You sound like you are dealing with the situation in a very mature way, exactly the opposite to your daughter, but that is an age thing, and in years to come she will look back and know she was wrong to do this but that is no consolation to you now. 💐

Thank you sweetie. But I thought at nearly 31 years of age she would have matured 🤪

Allsorts Sun 29-May-22 11:26:41

Toby, your daughter sounds a nightmare, very selfish, I think 31 is mature enough, but it’s bad behaviour at any age. Good you see your grandson and make each visit something for him to look forward to, you have to feel sorry for these children with self absorbed mothers. To broadcast you were an awful parent is vicious behaviour. If for one moment she thought you were really awful would you be looking after your grandson? No, it doesn’t make sense. Just hope you are looking after yourself and not letting her bring you down.

Elless Sun 29-May-22 15:47:17

Toby my son is 37 and still behaving like that, I've written letters, cried, begged but nothing sways him.