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Distant Relative keeps asking to meet up

(71 Posts)
Moonwatcher1904 Wed 28-Feb-24 13:55:51

I did my DH family tree and a couple of years ago did his DNA. A couple of years ago a distant relative got in touch to ask how they were related. She seems to be a granddaughter or great granddaughter of my DH grandfather's sister. She sent me loads of stuff by email of stuff not really relevant to us.
She has moved to a town just a few miles away and keeps sending emails to meet up.
How would you politely decline? My DH isn't really interested and I don't want to be rude about it. The connection is too distant to meet up.
I know some might say meet up but neither of us is really interested. We have found enough close family that have been enough for us without adding more.

lemsip Wed 28-Feb-24 14:08:41

just delete the emails, don't respond!

have you traced your 'DH' grandfathers parents.. she could be useful if not.

Norah Wed 28-Feb-24 14:21:25

"No thank you" one last time, then block her email address.

sharon103 Wed 28-Feb-24 14:29:29

Don't respond to the emails.

Moonwatcher1904 Wed 28-Feb-24 14:46:24

Thankyou for your replies. I will try and compose a polite email to decline an invitation.

fancythat Wed 28-Feb-24 15:00:55

Is there another relative that may be interested in meeting with her?
Then you could write and say that while you are not interested, xx is, or would be.

Even if I was not interested, I could rustle up two or three people who would be.

winterwhite Wed 28-Feb-24 15:23:16

Some of these replies seem a bit brutal and rather rude. Relation of grandfather’s sister is not so very distant. I can imagine her post on here, Distant relative refuses to meet me. 🤣.
Could you say you and your husband will be in her town on such-and-such a day and how about meeting for lunch or coffee, adding that you aren’t family history geeks and your husband has never tried to find details etc. She may lose interest then.

Cabbie21 Wed 28-Feb-24 15:29:42

I would be happy to meet up with a relative over a coffee. It could be interesting. If it isn’t, it is only an hour or so of your time. If you’ve gone as far as doing your family tree and DNA, this is a next step. You don’t have to take it further if you don’t feel you have anything in common.
I have come across a similar relative and would be glad to meet her if she suggested it.

keepingquiet Wed 28-Feb-24 16:20:17

Reminds me of the time we had very distant relatives visiting from Canada. Several of us turned up and I think the mother and her son were a little overwhelmed. She was a descendent of my great uncle, none of us had met him as he emigrated to Canada as a young man. We had a nice meal and a pleasant walk and then went back to my cousins for tea and cake. It all seemed very odd but I think they were more uncomfortable than we were. There was a bit of culture shock as they were farmers and they only got excited when we saw a cow shed! no harm done though, and a funny family memory.

pascal30 Wed 28-Feb-24 17:18:13

I would agree to meet for a coffee out of curiousity and courtesy.. and if you don't hit it off just don't give her your contact details..

Germanshepherdsmum Wed 28-Feb-24 17:23:58

I received an Ancestry message from someone apparently related to my husband after I had sent off a DNA test for him. Started ‘Hiya’. We both thought ‘no’ and didn’t respond. Neither of us is interested in meeting distant relatives that we haven’t heard of before.

luluaugust Wed 28-Feb-24 17:25:25

If you really don’t want to meet just decline politely and then if you are contacted subsequently delete the messages. DH had a very difficult meeting with long lost relatives when he gave them some information he had found out and thought they probably knew, at least one of them was appalled, we never heard from them again. We are still interested in what we can find out but would never meet anyone again.

Callistemon21 Wed 28-Feb-24 17:27:28

She seems to be a granddaughter or great granddaughter of my DH grandfather's sister

Your DH's parent and her parent were first cousins; if grandparent then first cousin once removed.
She is your DH's second cousin or second cousin once removed.

The connection is too distant to meet up.
Not really if you were interested, however perhaps you could explain you have a large family and lead busy lives.

One of DH's second cousins (there may be hundreds of them!) called to see us from Canada. We got on well, had a lovely time chatting about the family spread far and wide, but sadly have lost touch since.

BlueBelle Wed 28-Feb-24 17:28:13

Would a coffee hurt
I met up three times with very very distant relatives One was over from Netherlands and knew I was distantly on the tree and asked if I d like to meet She and husband treated me to lunch and it was very nice we kept in touch for a while then it drifted off Another cane from Canada to do family research and he and his wife took me out for a lunch and again very very distant we also kept in touch limitedly until he died The third was from London with a German born wife who had been in Auschwitz very very interesting she has since died but he keeps in touch just a Christmas greeting
Can a coffee do any harm over the coffee you can explain you’re not doing the research any more

Callistemon21 Wed 28-Feb-24 17:31:59


Is there another relative that may be interested in meeting with her?
Then you could write and say that while you are not interested, xx is, or would be.

Even if I was not interested, I could rustle up two or three people who would be.

Good idea, fancythat and kinder than just blocking her. Thst is very rude.

This is what might happen if you do a DNA test through a genealogical site! 😁

CanadianGran Wed 28-Feb-24 18:19:26

Obviously she is more interested in family connections and history than your DH. I can't see any harm from a quick meeting for coffee, but if your DH is adamant, then just let here know, and suggest some other relative, or even a regional archive.

Astitchintime Wed 28-Feb-24 18:25:22

Just respond by saying 'thanks....but no thanks', then block her emails and forget her.

Grammaretto Wed 28-Feb-24 18:48:06

Years ago DH and I were geeky family historians. It was a shared hobby. Now he is dead and we have done all we wanted to, I find it hard to get excited but via DNA I have been in contact with a few cousins. I
would meet up if they wanted to but no-one has.

We had a visit once from some distant Canadian cousins of his who were very disappointed to find that their ancestors were from extremely humble stock and the "family home" was a ruined stone cottage. I thought it rather picturesque but I sensed they didn't. smile

kircubbin2000 Wed 28-Feb-24 19:19:49

I met my relative for coffee a few times but was finding it hard as she is so much younger and I had to drive up to town as she was working.
I asked her if she would like to meet my daughter and they are now good friends.

Calendargirl Wed 28-Feb-24 19:27:24

Have you told her where you live, so she knows you are only a few miles away?

If so, that is a bit awkward as it’s not like you are the other end of the country.

Personally, if you really don’t want to get involved, I would do as you suggest and send a tactful e Mail declining and not respond further. To me, that would be better than a half hearted meet up which could be taken by her as an encouraging start to a relationship, which you don’t want.

Katie59 Wed 28-Feb-24 19:40:21

We did some family research and found great Grandads brother who lives in New Zealand, is that a second or third cousin, he visited us, he was the image of Dad.
We have relatives in Canada, US, Australia and NZ, they are all welcome to call in, please not the same day.

Katie59 Wed 28-Feb-24 19:42:11

Typo GGDs brothers family

AreWeThereYet Wed 28-Feb-24 19:53:20

Sad isn't it that there are so many people trying to contact unknown family and can't find them and so many people being contacted who have no interest.

I think she is probably assuming that you put your DNA on the site in hopes of contacting unknown family, as she probably did. Did you ever tell her that the stuff she sent was of no interest to you? Have you ever sent her any information back? You could always tell her that you've lost interest in family history so don't see the point of meeting up.

I once sent a whole load of stuff to someone who got in touch with me and never heard from her again. I did see the photographs attached to his family tree later though.

Patsy70 Wed 28-Feb-24 20:33:58

Harsh as it may sound, I am very happy with my very close family, extended family and close friends. I don’t feel the need to meet up with any more ‘relatives’.

Grammaretto Wed 28-Feb-24 20:50:26

Patsy that reminds me of when my research was at its height, back in 1990s. I told mum what I was doing only to be told:
Please don't find me any more cousins, I don't like the ones I have! grin