Long-distance grand-parenting

I am a very new grandmother. My son and daughter in law live in New Zealand and have just had their first baby. They have come back for the first visit since they went there 18 months ago. I have missed my son so much it has made me miserable, now I have met my beautiful 6 weeks old baby granddaughter and fallen in love with her. They go back in a couple of weeks and I am dreading the pain of missing them. We do try skype but my son is not the best at communicating and I am afraid that I won't see my grandaughter's development. I can't go over there at the moment because I am still working and can't get enough time off in one go to make it worth while.
Someone said on this forum that it is hard work keeping the relationship going and I can believe it! I feel inclined to not try rather than hoping every week to hear from them and not hearing from them!!! email and skype can be good but it is reliant on the person on the other end!!
luckily my daughter is also expecting in 2012 so I can at least be a proper grandma to her child!

Jane - we are just back from a week with our son, DIL and our two grandchildren in the States. When grand-daughter was born 6 years ago I was still working and flew over the day of birth with our younger son - he offered to come to carry my bag! - as we drove to Heathrow we got the call to say she had been safely born, had an upgrade on BA and I was so excited I said to the stewardess 'please thank the Captain, its made the day more wonderful' - and she came back a few minutes later with a bottle of Champagne which we later shared with my son. I was able to meet the new baby when she was only a few hours old and saw her then for a couple of days, and together with younger son we held it all together for my son at home.

DILs parents only live a few miles away, so I had imagined that MIL would be of some useful help but it didn't seem to work out like that. So when next baby was due three years later I thought a lot about it and then e mailed my son and asked if I could go over to be the housekeeper/nanny for a while after the birth, but didn't want to step on toes etc etc so he and DIL could think about it. About two minutes after sending the e mail, phone rang, and it was him - DIL had been asking if he thought they could ask me to go apparently, and would I stay for a few weeks.... So three years ago I went a couple of days before scheduled birth date, got sorted with car, school run etc, and stayed for about three or four weeks. Caesarian birth again so I felt I was useful, lifting, cooking, washing, driving - my DIL still laughs and says she never drank as many cups of tea. It was a wonderful time - I made a big point of 'going to my room' quite a bit to give them space - used to spend later evenings on my laptop and had to have an extra case to bring home all the things I ordered online. Her mother used to come and visit - turn on the TV, get waited on hand and foot, watch the laundry going in and out etc etc, and didn't seem at all put out that I was there.

If she has asked you to be there, then go asap - and you can always offer to 'stay down the road' - a friend of mine did that with her son and dil in NZ and that worked for them.

This has made very interesting reading for me and all I can say is I'm full of admiration for you all. The effort you all put into keeping a good relationship alive with your children and grandchildren is fantastic and what globetrotters you are!

My daughter lives in Hampshire and we live in Cheshire. We have 1 grandaughter and another due shortly. We try to visit once a month but it is not enough as for 2 years they lived in the same road as us and we saw them almost daily. We really miss that and are considering moving to Hampshire. Has anybody else moved to be near thir family? We would miss our friends tremendously, but the bond with family is greater. People have told me that we would be foolish to move as the family may not stay there for ever, and that it would be difficult to make new friends in a new area now that we are older. We would like to hear your experiences if you have had a similar dilemma.

My daughter has twins and needed all the help she could get! i spent time with her while she was still in hospital recovering from a C-section, came home for a bit when she came home and dad had his patrenity leave and then went back.Realise that you cannot do this because of the distance but go - with twins she will really need you. She will be fully occupied with the babies and anything you can do in the house will be appreciated. A contribution that was especially valued was taking the twins out for a walk after the 6 am feed so mum could have a lie in! This was a precious time for me. I am sure even very young babies know grandparents are special even if they don't see them often, perhaps because they sense the special relationship we have with their parents. Distance doesn't stop love!!
Enjoy!

Jane.

I live in France and my elder daughter lives with her husband in England.

At the begining of March she gave birth prematurely to twins, a girl and a boy. We went over almost two weeks after the birth as the babies were in Special Care and we could only look at them and not touch just the parents could hold.

We did lots of last minute shopping for them, collected parcels, met delivery men and generally made things easier for when they brought the babies home.

We stayed for a month and after her husband went back to work we were able to help her at home with the babies and get to know them a little before we came home.

Of course the distance isn't so far, 10 hours door to door for us, but we still can only keep in touch via phone, e-mail, Skype etc. I look forward to the next visit.

Hi
I have joined Gransnet today. I have a 2 year old grandson in Spain - not quite the same distance as Australia, so I am able to visit quite regularly. When my daughter went into labour, she rang me and I dropped everything in my haste to get a flight out to Barcelona and managed to get the flight, travel up country for an hour and had my first cuddle at aged 45 minutes - worth every pound!!
Although I can visit quite regularly - about every 2 months - its hard when I hear my daughter having a hard time or she just needs some support from her Mum. Skype is a blessing, but not the same as the real thing.

My son lives in Cambodia.....................no children yet.............but he's hoping - so another foreign trip on the cards.

I'd go as soon as they were born. If the twins are your daughters first babies, she and her husband are going to be completely shell-shocked and need all the help they can get.

I think the first few weeks are the worst.

Be guided by your daughter and son-in -law as to what help they need and just be available as an extra pair of hands to help with feeding, changing, burping, etc, etc!!

Don't give advice unless asked and don't out stay your welcome.

Enjoy the babies.

Let's know how you get on.

Hi all you Grans, I've just joined your 'club' this morning and am browsing the site. I will not have time to do this every day so thought I'd write something on this thread now. I agree Jane that you should go out to the states to help your daughter as she requested. I'm pleased to read that you have now made that decision. I can still remember being totally exhausted when my babies were about three weeks old when the sleep depravation really hits you, and I had mine one at a time NOT TWINS!! My little grandchildren live in Oz. and as others have said it is hard for us having them so far away but yes skype does help and the eldest (10) sends me little texts usually just saying 'Hi Gran luv U' We have been lucky enough to visit nearly every year and spoil them rotten!!! Not so easy now that we are both pensioners and the flights have become very expensive. I was devastated when, six years ago, our son and daughter-in-law told us they were emigrating but it's the best thing they could have done for their children. They have a wonderful life and I can honestly say, much as I miss them terribly, I hope that they never consider returning to the U.K. to live.
Anyhow Jane sorry I've gone on a bit. I hope everything goes well and enjoy your babies while you can.

my first post,so hi,
i have two grandsons in New Zealand..also Jetsetter..i wish i could do that journey every year!
my family lived here until the older boy was 6 and the younger 18months...i was lucky that they came over for christmas, what joy! skype is such a wonderful thing too! i think about them every day, and i do get so sad that i am not in their lives they have a Kiwi nanny..but she has lots of other grandchildren..where as mine are my only ones!
for the birth of the first, she had her mum around ...and the second was born here...but didnt want any help, only off my son! in fact i was only invited down south to see the baby when he was 2 months old...so if my daughter or DIL asked me to go...i'd be there like a shot!
good luck Jane and enjoy it! what an experience for you, even tho you might be worn out!

I think you should be flattered that she wants you there, and as someone said it is for practical help as she will need it, even if it is to keep the house tidy and do the washing look how much that will help her bond with her twins if she does not have to worry about all that practical stuff. She is probably frightened of the prospect of having twins and coping, the first few weeks with you there will help her. Go Go Go.
My grandson lives about 250 miles away and his other granny about 20 minutes away but she gets to see him when they pop in or she looks after him when my daughter goes to the doctor etc. We get him for long week ends when they come to stay or we go there, so we get the waking up, the bath and going to bed I just ensure that it is quality time and only 19 months he cried wen we left last time. He and his mum are coming on Sunday for a few days and I can't wait, I just enjoy every minute I get with him.

My first grandchildren were twins and the exhausted, overwhelmed parents were glad to have my help from the delivery suite onwards. It is so different to having a single baby, I didn't appreciate it myself 'till they arrived - go as soon as you can, but be prepared for the sheer graft - and the sheer joy!

I have two grandsons in New Zealand and have just returned from a visit there. My daughter married a Kiwi and the family went to live there when the boys were aged 4 and 2 years old. Before they went to NZ they lived about 65 miles away and I was still working so did not see enough of them even then and only bonded with the older one.However I was able to be there only hours after their births and able to go and help look after the older one when the second was born. The boys are now 16 and 14 and I try to get over to see them at least every other year. Its a long journey but well worth it - and the expense, to see them growing up and maturing into young men. Hopefully soon they will be able to come to visit me.
The boys are very busy with their own lives so I don't hear from them much, although do try to talk to them when I'm on the phone to my daughter. Unfortunately they cannot get broadband where they live so Skyping is not an option. Even so we are still close and they always seem to look forward to my visits. It has been hard though seeing other grandparents with their grandchildren when mine are so far away.

My youngest daughter lives in Australia and gave birth to her first child in January 2010. Her mother in law, who lives in Australia, went stayed with them for 2 weeks from about 3 weeks after the birth. My daughter was very grateful for the help and advice she gave.
We flew there when our granddaughter was 3 months old and stayed with them for a month. We all had such a great time. Now we skype every week, at least once. She is now 16 months and smiles when she sees us and waves. She is just starting to talk and will says nana and grandpa. We have taught her to blow kisses and a few other things when we see her on Skype, its brilliant for keeping in touch. I am so looking forward to next month when she is coming on a visit to England!

I'm another long-distance granny too. Three grandchildren in the USA. I don't know what I would do without Skype but also Facebook. Both help me to keep up with the day to day stuff but the most important thing is that the grandchildren all recognise me and know exactly who I am (which was one thing I was worried about). My daughter Skypes me about 3 times a week. I also watch the children unwrap various presents we send on Skype. I also read to them online and play silly games too. We manage a visit at least once a year but it's the hugs I miss!!!!

Jane it sounds as if you have come to an agreement with your daughter about when to go. I also have a daughter, son-in-law and grandson in America, with another one expected in September. I miss them all terribly, but as others have said Skype is a wonderful invention. When my grandson was born we went out 2 weeks later, so that they had time together and were more able to cope with us visiting. This time, however, my daughter has asked if I can go out before the baby is born to look after their 2 year old if they suddenly have to dash to the hospital in the middle of the night. She has made friends, but doesn't have any relatives near who could help out in a situation like that. The problem is how early do I go and when do I book my ticket back?!

I have visited 3 or 4 times a year since my grandson was born and my husband comes with me once or twice and we have a holiday over there as well. With going to see them, we don't tend to get other holidays because of the expense of the flights.

It isn't an ideal situation to live so far away from our grandchildren and thank heavens for email and Skype!

My brother and I lived our early childhood abroad in Canada and the Far East. My grandparents always sent us letters, even when we were really little - if they went on holiday or even a day trip we would get post cards. We didn't see them once for 7 years yet we 'knew' them when we did finally meet up. Nowadays there is the phone, visiting home is a lot easier with air travel and of course there is skype. My granddaughter lives in London I live in Bournemouth but we skype once a week. So as she is only 2 years old knows her 'Gaggi' - don't ask why Gaggi, she made it up.

Hi there!
My perspective is a little different in that I'm the one who moved away from my grandchildren, moving from Scotland to Sweden a little under 3 years ago. My eldest grandchild (my daughter's first son) was 7 at that time and I had him every other weekend up until I moved. My daughter lives in Denmark and her son currently still lives with his father, whom she split up with when her son was 4. I made the decision that I had to be the one to keep the contact as much as humanly possible because it would be all too easy to lose that, not being biologically related to the custodial parent. My son and his wife have a 2 year old daughter and they're still in Scotland so it cut me to the core not to be able to be close by to share in her earliest days, but that was the price of my decision to move away. As others have said, Skype is brilliant and I travel over to see them all as often as I am able, even if it means little more than a long weekend. I also have my grandson over to stay every school holiday and I'm ecstatic to report that he'll finally be moving across to join his mum this summer, just in time for the birth of his little brother. I'm now looking forward to having both my grandsons, little and large, just a short train ride away over the Öresund bridge. Being a long distance grandparent is hard, hard, hard - but the compensation is that time spent with the children is eagerly anticipated by all parties and precious beyond words.
Alex will be moving across at the end of June and his little brother is due in July. August will see a big family get-together in Denmark, the first time I'll be able to cuddle all 3 of my grandchildren together. I can hardly wait!
Now, if only I could persuade my son and his lovely wife to move over here, I could have all 3 of my precious little bunnies close at hand.... bliss

I would listen to your daughter ,if she asks you to come then thats what she needs .An extra pair of capable loving hands is what she is asking for .Just think of all the behind the scenes things you can do to make it a little easier of her,.just book that flight,

Don't be worried about it
I am blessed with both short and long distance grandparenting, my eldest grandkids, 14 and 12 years old, live a short drive from us, whilst my youngest two granddaughters, five and three, live all the way in Australia...and we all keep in touch...since we've learnt to use Email, it's become a lot easier to email one another every week with news of what I am doing and news of what the girls are doing, and they come over a few times a year and we go over there a few times a year. When my five year old granddaughter was born, I was lucky and grateful that my SIL's mother was over there to help my daughter through all the trials and tribulations of being a brand new mum, but I went over there a few days later and I offered help, didn't force it on my daughter and son in law, and I kept my distance unless I was asked for advice or was needed whilst my daughter and son in law went for a lie down. Having the best of both worlds, LD grandparenting can be tough but very rewarding as you see a (currently bottom toothless) granddaughter grin at you from the other side of the world.
All my love and don't worry

We are long distance grandparents to our daughter's two young children 28 months and 13 months and we travel once a month (260 miles) to see them for long weekends. We also have two granddaughters aged 14 and 11 living locally, who insist on coming with us at every opportunity (school hours permitting). The children love each other to bits and the younger ones just love all the attention from the two older ones. We schedule our trips to alternate with their other grandparents who also live away so that the children have regular contact with both sets of granny and grandads, and, needless to say Mum and Dad are always pleased to see us all as it means they get some time to themselves as we babysit whilst they take the opportunity to go out for the evening.

Finding the money to travel to America to visit our son and family is not easy - it takes determination and a frugal mindset to make it happen. Having that focus makes it all worthwhile.
Skype, google 'chat', facebook and email all help enormously to bridge the gap.
Every year I send a calendar full of photos of us and our lives here which my daughter-in-law is saving so that the grandchildren will have a picture history book. I also send postcards to the grandchildren regularly - even though they are still young.
So......there are many ways of staying in touch and developing a lasting bond.
We are also learning to embrace the difference in our cultures.

Yogagran - I know how difficult you must be finding it at the moment - so I wish you all the best!
I know it's easy to say 'embrace the change' - but that is the only way to move forward with our children's life choices..............and it works.

Some of these comments really helped me as I am faced with the prospect of my son, DIL and three year old g.daughter moving to Canada in the next few weeks. I have found it incredibly difficult to cope with this but knowing that lots of you have the same problem and have different ways of coping with it has helped tremendously. Thank you

Hello Jane, I'm a long distance Gran we are in the North East and our Grandchildren live in the South East, we visit as often as we can. Our DIL has been so generous with us, she never finds excuses for us not to go, especialy as they live in a small bungalow.
When the boys were born she said come down for a cuddle!! To be honest we couldn't wait. They are now 13 and 10 and although their other Nan is local she doesn't see them that often.
So, if your DD wants you to go and money is not a problem, could you stay in a hotel so you can see them during the day and go back to the hotel at night?
Whatever decision you make, go over and enjoy being with your DD and her family.
Love and hugs

Probably unlike our own childhoods and even raising our own children, our grandchildren are born into a rather different world where families are often split by geography. So, why not celebrate the difference?
Our four live in New Zealand and, rather than have no relationship outside regular cards or the occasional Skype, we go out each year to visit and get to know them all over again.
Yes, we're lucky to be able to but it also takes determination to keep that relationship alive and be part of our grandchildren's - and our daughter's - lives. What's more, we've had wonderful holidays and learned to know and love our Kiwi grandchildren as individuals. How lucky are we!