Long-distance grannies: keeping in touch

Gosh - 3 way Skype call - that's set me a challenge....

Just done a 3 way video skype chat with my grandchildren in Australia and my pregnant daughter in Cardiff. The world is shrinking and even though I miss the cuddles it is second best and will keep me going all day!

I can't believe that your family came to the UK and didn't tell you Stansgran. I would have been really hurt too. I think I would have to let them know that I knew (if that makes sense!) They won't understand how much they hurt you until they are older and are in the same situation.
I like your idea of planting things in pots and sharing commentaries on the growth, hope you don't mind if I copy your idea.

why would they do that!!??? I sometimes wonder if you are better off not having children at all when they hurt you the way only they can!!

So easy to upset a daughter! especially pregnant-sometimes we can do no right for doing wrong as my mother said to her stroppy daughter(me)
With the grandchildren we plant things in pots and keep photos and running commentary on flowering ,nibbled by rabbits etc. Also sil shares a google calendar so they know what we are doing and vice versa-but I noticed that the sneaky meanies came to the uK didn't tell us and didn't even phone when in UK-still hurt but making sure i don't mention it

thanks yogagran-I feel better today knowing they are on their way home. Also I know he doesn't like goodbyes either... have just upset my daughter by reminding her that most of her older relatives asked her when she and her partner would be getting married now that she is pregnant! I don't actually mind but she gets very angry when I mention it! will start a discussion about it I think!

So sorry for you Speldnan - don't take it personally, airports are a horrid place to ring from anyway and he would have been very busy. Better to say a quiet goodbye.
Tomorrow is another day...

My little family have just gone back to Wellington tonight and I waited in vain for a last phone call from the departure lounge. But I know I mustn't take it personally, my son was with his wife and new baby no doubt trying to negotiate it all and keep his daughter pacified. Even so it hurts so much that they have gone and I may not see them again for over a year now. I don't know why I hang on to these last calls and goodbyes and then make myself think it is because my son is not thinking of me....
Am I being terribly selfish? I think I might be! I am not a negative person at all but my son has brought such joy to my life and doubly so now that he has a baby daughter (and a wife who I also love) and I just can't help feeling so sad and depressed that they have gone AGAIN!!
Sorry other grans to use this forum like a therapy session but there's no one else I can say these things to.

Geordiegran have you found a similar thread to this? Under "AIBU - To desperately want them to stay here"

Geordiegran - I understand what you're going through, I'm in the same situation and it's really tough. Skype, emails etc do help but it's the physical contact I miss and having them "just up the road" so to speak

My grandchildren left for a new life in Australia 2 weeks ago. I am trying hard to be brave about it all but inside it's killing me. I miss them so much and our lovely close family will never be the same. I have two granchildren here but its the thought of not seeing them all together again that hurts the most. I enjoyed reading your experiences. It's good to know I'm not alone.

That is so good Bluegran.

Bluegran I am happy for you that things have turned out. It must have been a sad time for you. It does show that things never stay the same!

Very pleased for you bluegran. And your story will give hope to some others on this forum I think. It is sad for the grandchildren as well as the grans when they are kept apart. What would I have done without my two?

Yes Baggy, he's sweetie. Well deserved holiday in Ireland coming up next week, going back to his birth place where he had happy childhood holidays. By the sea!

Hi Grannies,
I just want to say how happy I am after spending quality time in the UK with my granchildren, and for the 1st time ever, getting to know their own address. Their parents are divorced and I always met them before through their father (my son) , and their mothers address (whom they live with) was kept from me. I'll never know why, he's controlling but was out of the picture on this joyous occasion and they pleaded with their Mum to meet me, so it was arranged and great. Now they've been told to expect parcels in the post from me and we re on facebook too. We look forward to more of these visits.

A happy gran not so blue today!

jess, your partner sounds lovely! I also like you 'bravery' posts.

I have to admit, however, that MOG (my old git ) and I agree that we simply expect our offspring to head off out of our daily orbit and do their own thing. I think we'd be more surprised if they didn't. Perhaps this is because we did just that — left home at a good distance behind, so to speak, and got on with life. We each stayed in contact with other family members and visited, wrote long letters, and so forth but, for the most part, we were entirely separate. I actually resented my mother's constant enquiries about the daily details of my life, especially as she didn't share hers! I felt it was rather an intrusion. She was never happy with what I wanted to tell her and often asked what I thought were quite impertinent questions, questions which, if I had asked them of her, would have caused outrage. I guess she still thinks of me as a child with her in authority whereas I don't feel that at all. I wouldn't dream of asking my own grown up daughters the kind of questions my mum used to ask. I would feel I was being selfish if I wanted my kids to consider my feelings about their life decisions. And yes, we all get along fine, if infrequently.

Thanks JessM for your Wednesdays post - I keep reading it and love the way you sound so positive

OMG - what am I like. Not on form right now I think...
I have been struggling to get a trip organised to see my family in S hemisphere plus a friend in Seattle who has been ill for ages and is now much better and visitable. As usual i will go alone as someone has to earn some money round here, and they are not his kids...
Having finally got my act together it turns out that I am arriving back the day my husband is planning to go to a college reunion (just a small group of friends). Total failure of communication on my part. I do find the process of doing this process of booking air travel strangely stressful and end up not communicating as well as I should. Even when i use the helpful people at Trailfinders. My (usually competent) brain freezes up.
He is not happy at the thought of me getting back and him not being here. Bless him, he is so kind and unresentful - he wants me to spend even more money now changing the flights!

I've been mulling on this overnight. It's about not feeling self pity I guess. So it's about what goes on inside your head. Thinking "its not fair" " poor me" just makes you feel bad. (And I'm sure we all have down days or hours).
I had a crash course in this when looking after my DS2 during arduous chemo. He only had a couple of down days in several months, including when the girlfriend finished with him...
He is not a buddhist but is that way inclined. So what helps?
Remember other people are a lot worse off - count your blessings - do things for others - focus on the moment - look after yourself and try to keep fit - work at avoiding negativity - try to keep busy.
I would not say I have achieve positive happiness, but on an even keel pretty much. What would help me if my life was busier/fuller than it is. But there is a plan.

The one about my own Gran (see above) is a good one.
I'd say reading the thread about people who's kids refuse to speak to them might be another!

You are so right Seagran that we should feel proud that we have brought up happy and successful children. In fact I really did feel after my son's visit that I must relinquish him to a degree as he really belongs more to his wife and family than he does to me. In fact he said to me 'they need me more than you do now Mum' and he is so right! Also his father and I lived abroad and took our young children with us and away from their grandparents for four years so can't really complain when he does it too.
Yes bravery strategies is a good idea JessM-any suggestions?
Have only joined Gransnet this week and already it has helped me hearing form others in the same position as myself

MM not sure if feeling abandoned came into it for me. It was the loss of contact with GD and GS. A kind of loss that continues as they evolve into new versions of themselves as months pass.
Yes I think you are right that the majority of grandmothers would like to carry on being central to the lives of their kids and whether or not they emigrate, suddenly we are not.
We need a set of "bravery" strategies for low days and moments. There are so many sad posts on this forum at the moment, it reminds us to count our blessings.

Hi JessM, we are north of Auckland - I do love New Zealand, it's not known as Godszone for nothing! Wellington is very windy and wet - I do sympathize with everyone everyone who is not living in the same country as their children and - and rapidly growing GC. It is also hard no longer being the matrix, the centre of the family and yes it is hard to let go. I know it sounds harsh, but perhaps instead of feeling abandoned try feeling instead that you have brought up a successful and happy son or daughter that has the confidence to make the move to go overseas. An old aunty of mine once said to me, Mother, don;'t Smother!
It's a bit like those big family gatherings, Christmas for a starter. Once the children got married we had to get used to sharing them with the in-laws! Once they used to come to us, now we go to them but only every other year which is simply horrid. Christmas without the family is my real downtime. But of course you can't show it to all and sundry!

thanks for the words of support-JessM I agree about being fed up with being brave!! Have just said goodbye to them today after a great week of their visit with me-I only cried once!. I have some great memories and photos and my baby granddaughter smiled right at me today when we were parting. I am off on holiday with my partner and shall try to be brave and concentrate on him.
Wellington! maybe one day! and Yogagran you are so right about being a mother to adults-it's especially hard I think if you are no longer with the father or your children as you don't have anyone to share the feelings with.

It is a right royal pain in the backside altogether. Sad, painful, frustrating, expensive and inconvenient. Just occasionally I get fed up with being blooming brave.
Wellington a great place to visit though, when you can get there. Even if it is as far as they could possibly go, apart from Invercargill!