2 Grandchildren all day

grumpy, it is not you who is being selfish, but the people who are putting so many extra demands on you, on top of your having to care for your husband. I think, in your position, I would just tell my offspring that I was exhausted and really could not carry on helping so much. People do understand.... When they have got over the shock of your not being Superwomanx2 ! Whatever you do, I hooe things ease for you soon.

God ..I really am Grumpy tonight ... Thank you bagitha.I will talk to her after having GS tomorrow and suggest I just have him for one day as soon as she can sort something out.

oh grumpy I know how you are feeling!

I started to childmind 2 of my 2 GC at the age of 21/2 and 6 months when my DD started work, I cant remember being so tired with my own two.
My DD had no idea how tiring I was finding it and I didnt have the caring of my Husband as you have. I think you should have a quiet word with you DD.
Our children fail to see that we are getting older and that we cant always do what we were able to do when they were growing up, I think they have us in a time warp.

What I will say to you is that I found it does get easier when they are on their feet, yes you have to have eyes in the back of your head but they seem to be more independant, but you are not having to carry them about.

hi grmpyoldwoman I really don't think you are being selfish..and I can sympathise with you trying to do your best for all... I too look after GS whos 5..I have to be up most morning at 6-15am as thats when daughetr brings him and then she is off to work at the hospiatl for 7-00...if I didnt help then she could not do th job she does..(an 8 clock start would be so much better)
It is good you hubby has started to help a little, my hubby seems to get on better with GS now that he is 5 and can have a converstaion with grandad and have aplay with his model railway, I hope things start to improve you you all...take care and perhaps try and get to bed early enough ad have a good sleep...then take each day ... ( I have just started taking Co-emzym Q10) see if they give me a bit of a boost lol I will let you know

gosh!! I must check my spellings....!

Sorry, GOW, but who says that 9 months is too young to be in nursery? My four youngest GC, none of whose GPs live close enough to be of any use, have all gone to nursery after the end of their mums' maternity leave - ie at about 6 months. Not all full-time. None of them seems to have come to any harm. It might be a good idea to ask your DD at least to have a look at local nurseries and find out what inspection reports say about them. After all, it wouldn't necessarily be every day, would it?

Grumpyoldwoman, it's time to listen to your 'own self'. You are tired and can't spread yourself any thinner than you are doing now. If you carry on at this rate, you could become ill and where would everyone be then? The more you do, the more you'll be expected to do.....take care.

I don't think its selfish one little bit , you sound like you have your hands full with your husband to care for your doctor is right and your girls should be making time for you and their Dad not the other way round. You need to be straight with your daughter break it to her gently by all means and give her time to make other plans but I do feel that if you carry on the way you are you will make yourself ill and then where will you be?

I have to say that I am surprised that so many on this thread are looking after grandchildren as nice as it is I think we have all earned our ME time and this is it. I've worked bringing up 3 of my own and then over 20yrs of full-time working and I really am not about to start babysitting my grandchildren now I am enjoying so much my free time..to sit and do nothing should I choose.. I have them of course when I choose to and in an emergency and love every minute I spend with them but as a weekly regular thing , that'll be a big fat NO!! Many of you say how worn out and tiring it is , well then don't do it your family will understand I'm sure as disappointed as they'll be they will find another way .

Grumpy -this is such a hard one isn't it? You want to do all you can to help but sometimes it is really hard. It sounds as if you have your hands full already with your husband and I'm sure your daughter can see this. Sometimes our children choose not to see our struggles and it is so hard to point it out to them. Why can't your GS go to nursery? My GD went at 5 months - it was hard but my daughter had to return to work - shortly after her marriage broke down and it was even more important for her to work. I agreed to have my GD one day a week and I still do and I help out on 'odd' days - I love it but find it very hard work. I also have another GD and try to be her with each week also and help with child-minding when required. I really don't think you are being 'selfish' - we all need time to ourselves and this is your time......................I'm sure that if you talk to your daughter she will understand - maybe you could do just one day a week - that would make a difference to you and perhaps GS could go to nursery or childminder .............? I do hope you find a solution that suits you all......love xxx

Grumpy - I am also exhausted even though I have Granpal as co-childminder. It is a very difficult dilemma. DDs both working 3 days a week now yet it would scarcely be worth their while financialy if they had to pay for nursery for 3 full days but their salaries are necessary to pay the mortgage etc. Our schedule is very complicated as 2 DGC are now at school nurseries but at different schools 4 miles apart. Both go in at 9.00 and come out at 11.15. Private nursery, where afternoon session does not start till 1.00pm only takes them up to 5yo. DGS will be 5 in February but will not start school until August, then 6 weeks of half days, then 'full time' = 3.15mp finish, his cousin will be the same but at a different school and his wee sister will start school nursery in at 9.00 out at 11.15.

Sorry, I bet you are exhausted just reading that. There are further complications with in-service days, Gymnastics classes, dentist's visits, sick children, concerts at school, etc. etc. and dilemmas such as dividing our time equitably between DD with one child but no other Grandparents and DD with 2 DC but another set of Grandparents who come 40 miles to cover one day a week. Even if there were plenty spare money there would still be problems with transport between school & nursery and lack of nursery space on a casual basis.

So - it is impossible to 'just say no'. There really is no other alternative.

I'm sorry but I disagree with you Granny23 , its your children who have financial commitments that require you to do what you do for them.. there are alternatives but both you and they choose not to use them. I know we all want the best for our children and grandchildren but not at the cost that you feel forced to pay.. I find retirement years slipping by really quickly and when you are busy running hither and thither as you do they must go even quicker..

Just my take on things of course and everyone had their different priorities, my children have always taken care to not over reach themselves which would mean them relying on others to take up the slack.. they know I've worked hard for many years and now I can choose to dip in and out with assisstance as I choose they have taken care of childcare issues without involving me and are happy to do so , knowing that I would drop anything to react to an emergency involving the children. Its how it works in our family.

I do have some sympathy with the Grannies who are so involved with GC that it brings them to a state of exhaustion. But what if... what if your children, like mine, had moved too far away for you to be their crutch? They would then have had to find ways and means of coping, as do mine - very successfully. And spare a thought for those grans whose GC are on the other side of the world.

tanith I have to agree with you. When I got married and chose to have four children, I got little assistance from parents and could only hear my mother's words 'you made your bed so you lie in it.' I thought that was harsh, and have tried hard to assist all my children in many different ways, but that's what it is - assistance. They are in charge of their children's care and they are responsible for organisation of nursery, appointments etc. I am there for emergencies and planned baby-sitting that I am free to do if I don't already have my own arrangements. I do feel for them when they relate how much child-minding costs, but they knew that when they planned to have children and continue to work, and whenever I can I help with small financial gifts. I am not there to problem-solve, but to empathise and support. They are proud of themselves for standing on their own two feet and I am proud of my family for the way they have learned to be fully-fledged adults who don't depend on others to do their running around for them. It's tough being a parent, but it's also tough to see your children flounder because they haven't learned to cope with the consequences of their own decision to bring children into the world.

Grumpyoldwoman you do more than enough - I agree your daughters should be helping you. You are not being selfish, you brought up 3 girls and looked after a home. This should be your time now. My son is a stay at home dad, as his wife earns such a good salary it made sense for him to stay and look after his daughter and work from home.[we have another girl due on Nov.17th]. Nearly all my holidays have been spent going up to theirs to give him a break. I love doing it but as everyone has said it is tiring. I agree with em Mother Nature does know when to turn off the baby making machine. That's why I am horrified at those few women who have artificially induced pregnancies just because it is their right to have a child. Poor kid with an ancient worn out mother.

I think I might have said this on an earlier thread so apologies if I am being boring. An athlete – I think it was Daley Thomson – decided to spend a day doing exactly the same things as his pre-school son. He couldn't keep up – so gave up. If one of the fittest men in the world (at the time) found this exhausting, it's hardly surprising that lots of childcare when you're in your fifties and sixties is a killer. Of course, grannies want to help their adult children and childcare is so expensive that it can cancel out earnings, but we do have lives and individual needs as well.

I think it was Libby Purves who wrote about how when she was a child, the adults were given the breast of chicken and the children had to have legs and wings. Then when she became an adult and mother, times had changed and the children got the breast of chicken. "When," she asked, "do I get the breast of chicken?"

When, we might ask, do we get to please ourselves and choose what we do with our time.

I think Carol is absolutely right-they chose to have children and knew the childcare costs-however they seem to assume thatGOW has the strength and energy to look after a disabled husband and a small child-it smacks to me of -oh she's in the house looking after him she can look after another one-it's lovely to feel needed and be useful but when you are looking after a disabled person as well I think GOW is riding for a fall

I have to say I go along with a lot of the posts made here. Times were quite hard when we were bringing up our family but I din't go out to work until the youngest started school. There was no family around who could've helped out with childcare and I think my mother would've echoed Carol's mother's words - saying, "you've made your bed...etc". We really DID struggle, though. But we got there.

GOW you are NOT selfish at all - quite the opposite. What a horrid situation you're in; trying to meet the expectations of so many family members must be very wearing. Your grandson is not too young to be put into a nursery, but I know that sometimes money is too tight to afford it. Unfortunately there are no slick and easy answers, but I do think a family pow-pow is in order. Can you get all your children together and explain that, much as you love them all and want to do your best for them, you're no good to anyone if you're stretched so hard that you'll become ill? I think you deserve .

grumpy - it's definitely your time now. You must talk to your daughters.
I can't believe some of the things I have read in this thread. Last week we were discussing why we, the so-called baby boomers, should give up our homes for the less fortunate younger generation and now we are discussing how hard we work to look after this same generations' children. We are the sandwich generation and I wish someone would tell us when it is our turn! I know it's very hard for them to combine work and family and to make things work financially, but the time comes when you have to say 'no'. Two of my daughters put their children into a nursery at vast expense which almost makes working nonsensical - one does it because she loves her job (and needs the money too) and the other for the small amount of extra money she earns on 2 days -they both live 500 miles away from us so I am well out of reach for Granny Duties although I probably would be called into service if I lived nearer, and the other doesn't work (she is in Australia) and they just have to make do with what her husband earns.
It is bloomin' hard work looking after small children after a gap of 25 years or more and we shouldn't be expected to do it. I hope the Powers-that-Be realise how much effort is being put in by our generation - just think how many billions we are saving them

As much as I look upon being able to help care for the GCs as a privilege and a joy (for most of the time!) I agree that it is exhausting and we should be able to say "no, it's too much for me". Having said that, I am sitting on the sofa with one of my DGCs, having collected one him from school this morning as he had thrown up on the carpet!!! Mum is at work so here I am. I must admit to being rather miffed though, as it means I can't see my eight week old DGD for the next couple of days, as I will be looking after this one, and also I might be carrying it and I would hate her to go down with it. That's my wings well and truly clipped. Hey ho, I did say it was a joy and a privilege didn't I!!

Sorry about miserable and garbled post last night. Had a good night's sleep last night and things look much more positive today.

Tanith said , its your children who have financial commitments that require you to do what you do for them.. there are alternatives but both you and they choose not to use them.

Of course my DDs do have financial committments but they have cut their cloth accordingly eg. both have 2 bed cottages that they bought cheaply (in need of renovation) so have smallest possible mortgages + smallest possible cars etc. Both have been entirely self sufficient since they left Uni until they took the plunge and decided to start a family before it was too late, moving from city flats to small towns near us precisely so that they would have family support. In our family, the only alternative I can see was for them to remain childless.

I understand that everybody's circumstances are different. It is a series of IFs - IF we only had one DD, if DDs' partners were the higher earners, IF there were other Grandparents nearby, IF DD2 had not been cheated out of her maternity pay, IF DSoL had got the promised regrading and ££££ of back pay, IF there were a private nursery near the School nurseries who could do pick ups (there was but it closed), IF both Dads could work flexi time, IF, IF, IF. SO - the best laid plans of mums and men gang aft agley.

I can still remember my parents - Dad on a four week shift rota and Mum a hairdresser who worked erratic hours to fit in with Dad's shifts - sitting down with the diaries to sort out our child care rota. Then my sister and I once we were back working part time sharing the child care for our 4 DC between us.
It was ever thus for those on less than average earnings.

Yes it is tiring looking after kids. I think it is the constant, unfamiliar VIGILANCE.
My GKds are in Australia so would love to have them a day or two a week, tiring or not.
After my recent visit i did notice that it was less tiring than previously due to my getting-fitter efforts...The fitter you are the less tiring anything is.
But if you are looking after others all the time no time to get fit... And not always possible for health reasons of course.
In the meantime my emigrated son and his wife have to cope with no support at all.
I think young adults tend to carry on seeing their parents as a resource until the parents are admitted to hospital. (as a gross generalisation!)
Something to think about though - I understand in many cultures it is the norm for parents to work and grandparents to mind the kids...
Off to look after MIL now...

In my family working class women have always worked and childcare was shared between other family members of the family on their day off but mainly by grandma. When my children were small my husband worked long hours to make enough money and I worked night duty 2 nights a week, catching a few hours sleep in the afternoon when my mother came round after she had done her cleaning job. My daughter and her husband work hard in low paid jobs and staying at home is not an option. Nothing new here. Thank goodness I am in a position to help my daughter, delightful and exhausting as it is. Like nanapug I think it is a privilege to be able to spend so much time with my gd.

However if I was in your position grumpyoldwoman I would talk to my daughter and am sure she would understand and make alternative arrangements. I hope your daughter does.

Best Wishes

Come to think of it, my mother had to work (she was widowed when i was very young) and my grandmother looked after me and my sister. Nana walked everywhere, carried all the shopping home and did all the housework, cooking and gardening (for us and her 2 teenagers). She had a top loading washing machine and a Ewbank cleaner, open fires, outside toilet. She was, in retrospect, a pretty vigorous 50 something year old at the time.

GOW I agree that you are not being selfish at all, and you need to look after yourself in order to care for your dh. I hope you and your daughter can find a solution.