2 Grandchildren all day

I think that if ever you have that sinking feeling when you're asked to mind/babysit the grandchildren then its perfectly fine to say no sorry I'm too tired or whatever, if your children don't accept that with good grace then they are so taking advantage.
I love them all to bits grands and children but I don't expect to arrange my life around minding them, sorry been there, done that 30/40yrs ago.. its never been any different for me and I have grands in their 20's and a young one. Being made to feel guilty for refusing would be the last straw for me.

jingle Your last comment chimed (jingled?) with my thoughts. I was quite shocked when browsing through mumsnet to discover the degree of a) taking for granted and b) actual contempt some posters display towards their own mothers. Of course, they may not actually feel quite so strongly as they write, if they should stop and think about it, but who knows?

I have only just read this thread and the main thought that comes to mind is this:

Have your children done any growing up^ at all^? They sound like totally spoilt brats!

I'm with the mother of the Gransnetter who told her " you had the children, you look after them".

Help out in emergencies definitely - any time of the day or night; and help out to give them a break now and then. (You can enjoy that too) But that should be it, unless you really want to do otherwise.

They sound like typical mumsnetters.

I totally agree with riclorian. I did the same with my daughter - agreed to one day a week and we largely stick to it. Sometimes she gets an extra day and, being a single parent, she takes work when she can to earn some extra money. But she likes to balance work with spending time with her daughter too. I help out with short spells, e.g. doctor appointments, hair appointments, the odd night out as well. Because we spend some weeks out of the country each year this was also agreed at the start. Whenever we can't do it then g/d goes to nursery. I help with other g/d but not on a regular weekly basis - other Grandma does the regular shift so it is a good arrangement. It has definitely worked for us to be honest from the start.

Should have read"they do not believe we have a life"

"Telling????" The thing is, we are much too available - we don't so as much as they do, but it would be nice occasionally to be able to say "Love to, but you should have asked earlier as we are going to X/going to the theatre/Xmas shopping in London etc. I'm not suggesting lying, but I genuinely beieve that we do not have a life!

gracesmum Totally agree, lovely but tiring. Have just had a phone call from DIL, telling me to keep the weekend before Christmas free because she wants to take her DH away for a break.

It is so true that once you have agreed to a number of days it is hard to cut back so 1 at a time is good advice. I too found that it took me at least a day to "recover" from looking after GS - and after a w/e with us, I was in bed all the following afternoon! A lot of it is what you are or become used to - we slow down as we get olderand another person's child (even DD's/DS's or especially DD's/DS's) is a massive responsibility, something we took for granted with our own. Also our houses may no longer be totally child-proofed and you only find out what you missed when little chap(ess) finds it first!
I hate to suggest that anybody is sounding selfish here, but our grown-up children do need to put somebody other than themselves first and while I would lie down in front of a bus for my GC if I thought it necessary, I also value my space/time/sanity.

Heard on the news that Teachers in Scotland will be on strike on 30th November. Fear gripped me. DD1 will be away on a course the whole week, DD2 will be at work and the other set of Grandparents will be in Teneriffe on their winter break, so down to us to childmind all 3 DGC all day.

Then a shining star burst in my head. Our 2 sons-out-law, being public sector workers, will be ON STRIKE. Whoopee. So in fact a day off for us.

When my 4yr old grandson was born my daughter and son in law asked if we would care for him on two days a week from (7 am to 7pm) he would then go to nursery for 1 day a week . After a lot of thought we agreed to only have him for 1 day a week , so he was sent to nursery for the other 2 days .This was started when he was 6 weeks old - none of us has ever regretted this decision -- he has benefitted greatly from being at an excellant nursery ,and we enjoy so much looking after him on Tuesdays .This way his Parents don't feel they are taking advantage of us and we don't feel that we are being 'put upon ' . Not at all sure we could manage 2 days -- 1 is enough , it takes 2 to get over it !!! Honesty at the outset worked for us !!

Children often think their parents can cope with everything.
I think you should have an honest chat with your children about how you are feeling. As daughter is well paid suggest she could pay for your cleaning.gardening/dog walking to be done whilst you look after GS, that way you will not be exhausted and she gets the best childcare in the world!!
Regarding the Saturday's why not suggest they do one of the trips or if this is not possible then go fortnightly to give yourself a bit of catch up time.

Being a full time carer is exhausting and i am sure your children are unaware of how tough it is for you.
It sounds like you are supporting so many people and if you go under it will be of no help to any of them.
Also if you are not careful you will be too frazzled to enjoy your GC and have the fun relationship that is all part of being a grandparent.
When my GS was little I used to take him to mum and baby groups to break up the day where I was made welcome. If your GS is a messy eater take him to baby friendly cafe's with a good supply of wipes!! I find it easier to care for my GS in his home but he is 3 now and likes all his toys around him.
What does DH think about it all? It is not at all selfish to want some time for you , Good Luck its not easy.

Grumpy: I think your a Saint.

Phew !!! I can relate to all of you !! Its exhausting I " do " 3 days a week but my grind is I can no longer " take off " on my own if I feel like getting out !!!!

I have come to this thread rather late in the day and it may be too late to add my penn'orth. While it is great to commit to looking after GC on a regular basis while daughter or d-in-l goes back to work it is also incumbent on the parents (NOT THE GPs) to have a Plan B. Anybody can get flu. break a leg, or at our age - just be under the weather and it is the parents' responsibility to organise a back up. When DD went back to work after a year she had a flexible arrangement - she worked 4 days a week with a Nanny one day and nursery for 3 days. Littlest fella was just 1 and 8-6 at nursery is a long day so I used to go to theirs after lunch one day a week (1 1/2 hrs drive), pick him up early, do playing, teatime, bathtime and bedtime so that she c ould leave work at 6 . The next morning she would leave at 7.30 and I would see to breakfast, dressing and take LF to nursery about 9.30, pop back to the house for a quick tidy round and drive home. SIL did do his bit on the other evenings/mornings and was even sometimes home to help me with bathtime. She was already pregnant with No 2 so pretty tired when she got home. DH has indifferent health and so many medical probs it's too long to itemise so she realised that some weeks I couldn't do it and she had to make the necessary arrangements. I hope it helped, I loved it but came back absolutely knackered every time - the responsibility alone! One week I had a call from nurseryabout an hour after I had got home at lunchtime when DD and SIL were both away on business at opposite ends of the country and GS was poorly - so I picked up my bag and drove straight back up again as the earliest they could get there was about 3 hours - it was a lesson to them that you need contingency plans, but I was glad to help. But after going round the houses - sorry all - my point is - we can offer and we will probably love doing so but we should not be required to provide childcare or be made to feel guilty if we can't do as much as they might like. We are not unpaid childmnders, but loving parents and grandparents.

Hi everyone, yes I agree its exhausting. I do 2 days a week with 1 overnight one week and 3 days a week and 2 overnights the next.... SHIFTWORK !

My brood are 5, 3 and 1 and Blimey O'Reilly it's a killer... mind you I wouldn't change it for the world.

It sounds silly but when they are asleep after a particularly hard day I feel a sense of calm knowing that they are safe, warm, well-fed and much loved in granny and grandads house.

I went back to work part-time when DS2 was almost 2 - teaching evening classes - and gradually got into Further and Adult Ed. For three years, I travelled between two colleges on my orange moped and later wore three hats as a part-time college lecturer, an O-level teacher at an RAF base and a Weightwatchers leader. The GPs lived a long way off so exH and I juggled the boys between us. I didn't work full-time in one place until I was 44. Until the boys were old enough to be left, I was always a member of a baby-sitting circle. Do these still exist?
After her first son was born, DS2's partner wrote a proposal for flexible part-time working (without compromising her status and prospects) and had it accepted by her (very well known) employer, so neither of the GSs has had to spend more than three days at nursery in any one week. The nursery my other CG went to is close to DiL's school and she or DS1 were easy to contact in an emergency.
In all these cases, the lack of convenient GPs was no handicap. If you have to cope, you do.

When my children were young I had to work round them. My parents were overseas at the time so had no "baby sitters". My DH worked long hours taking as much overtime as he could. I would work late evenings, took in sewing for people etc. in order to keep a roof over our head. By the time I was 39 the first GD was born and we could not help (both working full time to pay a mortgage with a rate which went up to 15%) but were always available and willing to help in an emergency. Which happened a few times.

We were also trying to save for our old age - which was a stupid thing to do with the annuity rates as they are now. I have only recently stopped full time work, DH is still working full time, and I now do part time and help aged Mother and recently become a GGM!!!!! I really would find it hard to also cope with a little one, feel I have done/am doing my bit. However I would always help in an emergency.

Why don't young parents look at work where they would be on different "shifts"? That could be why we are still married after 45 years!!!

Thank you everyone for your support and advice....amazing how similar many of our stories are .
Our middle daughter (who also looks after GS one day a week on her day off work) had a word with her sister last night as she saw how exhausted and upset I was.
I'm afraid our youngest was not quite as understanding as I had hoped!!Both DH and exlplained the situation but she could only see it from her point of view !!!!
I did say in a very nice way that GS can be 'hard work' ( just between us....probably because he gets 100% attention and she and her hubby jump if he even murmurs) .......''What do you expect ..he's a baby !!!!''
Maybe when she has had time to think of another solution, she will be a little more amenable about the situation.
She always had tantrums as a child ...the only one of the 3 who did !!!!!
Kids eh ???????

GOW I agree that you are not being selfish at all, and you need to look after yourself in order to care for your dh. I hope you and your daughter can find a solution.

Come to think of it, my mother had to work (she was widowed when i was very young) and my grandmother looked after me and my sister. Nana walked everywhere, carried all the shopping home and did all the housework, cooking and gardening (for us and her 2 teenagers). She had a top loading washing machine and a Ewbank cleaner, open fires, outside toilet. She was, in retrospect, a pretty vigorous 50 something year old at the time.

In my family working class women have always worked and childcare was shared between other family members of the family on their day off but mainly by grandma. When my children were small my husband worked long hours to make enough money and I worked night duty 2 nights a week, catching a few hours sleep in the afternoon when my mother came round after she had done her cleaning job. My daughter and her husband work hard in low paid jobs and staying at home is not an option. Nothing new here. Thank goodness I am in a position to help my daughter, delightful and exhausting as it is. Like nanapug I think it is a privilege to be able to spend so much time with my gd.

However if I was in your position grumpyoldwoman I would talk to my daughter and am sure she would understand and make alternative arrangements. I hope your daughter does.

Best Wishes

Yes it is tiring looking after kids. I think it is the constant, unfamiliar VIGILANCE.
My GKds are in Australia so would love to have them a day or two a week, tiring or not.
After my recent visit i did notice that it was less tiring than previously due to my getting-fitter efforts...The fitter you are the less tiring anything is.
But if you are looking after others all the time no time to get fit... And not always possible for health reasons of course.
In the meantime my emigrated son and his wife have to cope with no support at all.
I think young adults tend to carry on seeing their parents as a resource until the parents are admitted to hospital. (as a gross generalisation!)
Something to think about though - I understand in many cultures it is the norm for parents to work and grandparents to mind the kids...
Off to look after MIL now...

Sorry about miserable and garbled post last night. Had a good night's sleep last night and things look much more positive today.

Tanith said , its your children who have financial commitments that require you to do what you do for them.. there are alternatives but both you and they choose not to use them.

Of course my DDs do have financial committments but they have cut their cloth accordingly eg. both have 2 bed cottages that they bought cheaply (in need of renovation) so have smallest possible mortgages + smallest possible cars etc. Both have been entirely self sufficient since they left Uni until they took the plunge and decided to start a family before it was too late, moving from city flats to small towns near us precisely so that they would have family support. In our family, the only alternative I can see was for them to remain childless.

I understand that everybody's circumstances are different. It is a series of IFs - IF we only had one DD, if DDs' partners were the higher earners, IF there were other Grandparents nearby, IF DD2 had not been cheated out of her maternity pay, IF DSoL had got the promised regrading and ££££ of back pay, IF there were a private nursery near the School nurseries who could do pick ups (there was but it closed), IF both Dads could work flexi time, IF, IF, IF. SO - the best laid plans of mums and men gang aft agley.

I can still remember my parents - Dad on a four week shift rota and Mum a hairdresser who worked erratic hours to fit in with Dad's shifts - sitting down with the diaries to sort out our child care rota. Then my sister and I once we were back working part time sharing the child care for our 4 DC between us.
It was ever thus for those on less than average earnings.

As much as I look upon being able to help care for the GCs as a privilege and a joy (for most of the time!) I agree that it is exhausting and we should be able to say "no, it's too much for me". Having said that, I am sitting on the sofa with one of my DGCs, having collected one him from school this morning as he had thrown up on the carpet!!! Mum is at work so here I am. I must admit to being rather miffed though, as it means I can't see my eight week old DGD for the next couple of days, as I will be looking after this one, and also I might be carrying it and I would hate her to go down with it. That's my wings well and truly clipped. Hey ho, I did say it was a joy and a privilege didn't I!!

grumpy - it's definitely your time now. You must talk to your daughters.
I can't believe some of the things I have read in this thread. Last week we were discussing why we, the so-called baby boomers, should give up our homes for the less fortunate younger generation and now we are discussing how hard we work to look after this same generations' children. We are the sandwich generation and I wish someone would tell us when it is our turn! I know it's very hard for them to combine work and family and to make things work financially, but the time comes when you have to say 'no'. Two of my daughters put their children into a nursery at vast expense which almost makes working nonsensical - one does it because she loves her job (and needs the money too) and the other for the small amount of extra money she earns on 2 days -they both live 500 miles away from us so I am well out of reach for Granny Duties although I probably would be called into service if I lived nearer, and the other doesn't work (she is in Australia) and they just have to make do with what her husband earns.
It is bloomin' hard work looking after small children after a gap of 25 years or more and we shouldn't be expected to do it. I hope the Powers-that-Be realise how much effort is being put in by our generation - just think how many billions we are saving them