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It breaks my heart

(10 Posts)
BurgundyGran Wed 21-Dec-11 23:46:15

Our daughter and her two older children aged 5 and 3 came to join us in Franc four years ago. Daughter left due to an abusive marriage and her ex sent her to live with us and to take the children. He hasn't contacted them for three and half years now.
Our GD is very happy here but she has issues over her dad. Sometimes she won't allow his name to be mentioned or gets upset if someone at school asks about him. Other times she says she still loves him.
Last night she had a nightmare which entailed her dad coming to see her and bringing a Christmas present, when she opened the box there was nothing there and he just walked away. He hasn't sent presents or cards for birthdays or Christmas for over three years now and we said to her that dreams often mirror what we are thinking and maybe it is that she hopes he will send something.
Our daughter is marrying her French fiancé next week and our GD is so excited about it. She says she has a daddy in her mum's partner and she adores him. Our daughter and her partner have a 22 month old son who GD and GS love to bits.
I try to protect all my grandchildren and seeing her in this state is very upsetting. As her father promised to come and see her then let her down she says he is a liar. He refused to come, even after I offered to pay his travel, pay for a hotel for him to stay in and for a hire car so he could take them out - he refused it all. He was just upset that we wouldn't let him stay in our house. He has two children from a previous marriage who are in their late teens now. They live near him but he has had no contact with them since he divorced their mother; disposible families I think.

Butternut Thu 22-Dec-11 06:17:04

I hope things will get better for you and your family soon, and wish you all the very best for a wonderful wedding.

bagitha Thu 22-Dec-11 06:21:21

There is a lot of sadness in life. Poor child. I hope she will learn to live with this sadness and that she will always know none of it is her fault.

bikergran Thu 22-Dec-11 08:49:11

Lets hope the wedding takes over and it makes" happy dreams".smile

Carol Thu 22-Dec-11 09:01:15

BurgundyGran it sounds like she needs to know what is happening with her father, and if he can't/won't come to see her, what's stopping him writing a letter, card or email to her? Why can't he just put his own needs aside for a few minutes and put himself in his child's shoes? Makes me mad - they create a life and then can't maintain the commitment to that child, but will be off elsewhere and making more lives unhappy. I hope your daughter and granddaughter find lasting happpiness, and he takes some time to think about his daughter, if only to write and reassure her that he does care about her.

harrigran Thu 22-Dec-11 15:13:51

These men don't deserve the name father, if they do not have anything to do with their children then they are merely sperm donors.

supernana Thu 22-Dec-11 15:45:25

BurgundyGran You have done your utmost to bring about a reunion between your granddaughter and her distant, errant father. I hurt for both your granddaughter and you. What a sad state of affairs. Perhaps the wedding will help to bring a sense of belonging to all concerned. I wish you a happy outcome. x

Charlotta Thu 22-Dec-11 15:56:05

Ther is not much more you can do but take heart that a child can cope with unpleasant facts. It is the hoping which is upsetting her. Try to get ger to accept that she will not see him anymore as it looks like this will be the case. Tell her she is right to be upset about it. She must grieve for her loss, get it over with.
Then IF he should change she can be happy about it.

bagitha Thu 22-Dec-11 16:04:48

I think that is a good approach, charlotta. No point encouraging her to hope he cares about her when the evidence suggests otherwise. It's hard, yes, but it's probably the truth. Truth sometimes hurts, but it stays true. Poor child. But it sounds as if she has loving people around her to help her.

BurgundyGran Thu 22-Dec-11 23:06:58

Thank you all for your kind words. Our GD is happier today as she has been cooking with her mum something she loves to do. She is now 10 and has an 8 year old brother who very very rarely mentions his father. I think GD remembers her father telling her mum to take the children and come and live with us in France so she feels rejected. Her father actually said that it would be her brother he would miss! He won't write, telephone nothing. Our daughter has tried to contact him with no response (text, phone, letters.) His parents send cards and presents every birthday and christmas so it isn't as though daughter refuses contact. Since she divorced her ex we have moved house and she sent the address to him, his parents and brother and it is only him or doesn't contact.
In her heart GD knows how things are but at 10 you always hope for miricles. Eventually he will be judged by his children.

My husband and other dads I know would walk from UK to France to see their children but not him. GD is looking forward to daughter getting married and being able to call her new step dad papa for real.