*warning difficult topic* Re my Grandsons care

Hello nannynoo nice to see you back, and so pleased that your DGS is doing well with you,I know you can't have had an easy time though.How does he feel about going to live with his Mother, is he pleased?Don't you think the social workers should know that the boyfriend has been in prison and is violent?Surely that alone puts him at risk?

How long was the ex in prison?

Hi , it is lovely to be back here but I wish is was without my ''worries''

The ex was in prison for 10 years , he stabbed a social workers only son in the heart when he was 16 coz he thought the boy looked at him in a bad way , his friend was carrying the knife then handed it to him and was goading him on to stab him , the victim was simply out shopping and had bags of shopping in both hands

He got 8 years but for some reason was in for 10

rosesarered up until last week my Grandson was adamant he wants to ''stay with Nanny'' but then after my daughter got to spend some time alone with him and has been telling him about his room he seems CONFUSED and asked for his Mum for the first time today bless him and indicated he was ok with having a room at her house when I asked him but I don't want to keep asking him who he wants to live with

He was very moody and anxious today , kept throwing things and looking at the book he has of his time in care ... I think he is trying to piece together his 'history' to make sense of it , perhaps he feels it is going full circle now

I e-mailed the social worker about the ex boyfriend and told my daughter that I do not want him around on contact visits which she agreed to

The fact that your daughter's ex is still around is reason enough for your grandson to stay with you I think. Your daughter has to choose the priorities in her life.
Your grandson is picking up on the uncertainties in his life and deserves better from his Mum.
I hope things are resolved soon and you did the right thing in telling the SW.

An awful dilemma for you. I hope that SW will have the experience and all pertinent information to put the child's long term interests at the centre of the decision making. Does your dgs attend nursery/school yet? They, plus GP or health visitor may be able to offer an independent report too,to make sure the right decision is reached. All the best x

Hi , yes he is at a special needs school and they are VERY pleased with how he is doing , very happy boy so far , went to school happy today so hopefully he got to process some of his feelings over the weekend but I do not want her messing up his head

The thing is although the social worker keeps talking about their 'legal stance' they still have to remember this is A CHILD PROTECTION ISSUE and they are from the Children with Disabilities team but are covering the child protection issues from there

I am feeling my 'reaction' ie grief was triggered by seeing all his ''things for his new room'' at my daughters house as that is when my tearfulness etc was triggered!

But I have to remember it is my DAUGHTER saying ''he is going back to her'' and it is HER ''preparing his room for him'' NOT at the instruction of social services!

She is running ahead of herself as usual and it is NOT at the stage where she has passed 3 or 4 hair stand tests and done her parenting assessment etc and social services are pleased with her progress enough to start talking about increasing contact and returning him 'gradually'

SHE is dictating to everyone when she is ''having him back'' ie DECEMBER and she feels she is giving it long enough time as she is calculating it as a year of 'being clean' by then

I actually in all honestly still do not KNOW she is going to pass the very first hair strand test even ... I do not know what she is doing behind the scenes and / if / what she is dabbling in drugs wise

She texted me last night to say she had vomited and has a sore throat , that concerns me in itself as she has had 2 surgeries on her throat as she ruptured it from vomiting due to alcohol abuse and she has stage 3 liver disease ie cirrhosis of the liver and they told her she WILL DIE if she carries on drinking which is why she said she stopped but even then I do still have my 'doubts'

She is sober whenever I see her so am going by what she says only because it adds up ie her being sober when I see her every Saturday or she contacts me during the week but I still have a 'niggly feeling' about it all

This must be such a tough time for you.

I have often wondered how you have been getting on with your grandson as I know how hard you fought for him. Now it looks like you have another fight on your hands but you are one determined lady and I know you will see it through.I have no advice to offer but I will be thinking of you.

Regarding the ex if challenged about it I know her enough to know she will promise never to see him again but carry on seeing him ''on the sly''

In fact ''on the sly'' sums up many addicts behaviour and to me there has been no magic wand miracle cure , she is not getting any actual help with it as she says she's cracked it ie her addiction and everything is going fine...

Yeah right , to me it feels like a big pretence even though she is always sober when I see her / talk to her now I do not feel this 'recovery' is 100% GENUINE!!

And yes I hope social services DO see it as what was concerning me about my Grandson going back to Mum is they seem to think they do not have a leg to stand on legally as she still has PR and could possibly prove he is in no immediate or significant danger with her IF she has stopped drinking or is not abusing alcohol any more ( but for some reason even though she presents herself differently I still even have my doubts about that for some reason )

Yup and as for the ex she will just 'say' she won't see him anymore! ( Bl**dy worrying she was seeing him again in the FIRST ruddy place at this stage of things with social services and 'getting her son back' which is all everyone hears from her )

I'm glad my Grandson went to school happy as we were both feeling 'troubled' this weekend!! x

I feel sad even if she has stopped drinking which is a good thing and I DO NOT want her to DIE! I feel she is rubbing her hands together as her 'plan is WORKING' no matter what she does in between apart from drinking or if there is any class A drug intake it seems the law is in her favour

She has been waiting to lord it over everyone and dictate what is happening and it feels like her moment has come at the moment

Yet that could change at any time if she is not CONSISTENT with her health care , 'recovery' and support she gets which is none at the moment as she does not feel she needs it especially as she is doing well with her job etc which is good as well but SOMETHING is not ringing true feeling right in all this?!!

Oh nannynoo what an mixture of emotional stress and worry to be carrying. On one hand to want your daughter to succeed to conquer her demons. On the other being terrified that she won't and the affects this will have on your beloved grandson. From what your saying it does seem that your daughter is running ahead of herself. That doesn't make what she says/hopes will happen a fact. It may be her way of trying to keep herself on track and giving her the motivation to succeed. I'm not surprised at your reaction with all that emotion surging around. Unfortunately all this is causing confusion and is unsettling for your grandson. All you can do is reassure him that whatever happens you'll always be there for him. This must be a terrible situation to be in. All that worry about two people you love. All that uncertainty it must be so frightening and you must be exhausted by it all. It's one of those situations that I wish I had a majic wand,unfortunately none of us do and the situation will play its self out. So all you can do is be brave and hold on tight and hope that the professionals listen to your concerns and act appropriately I hope this turns out well for all three of you. Look after yourself it sounds as if you'll need all strength to see you through. I hope you find some some good advice and support here. Welcome back wish it was under happier circumstances.

Ahhh thank you , to be honest things were going well with little man settled here and simple weekly contact with his Mum ( although sometimes I felt it was a bit much with a 6 hour contact if we missed one plus one hours travel each way every week! ) but little man was / IS SO SETTLED...

We have a lovely holiday chalet and during the school holidays and sometimes for the weekend we go there to get away from it all and have a lovely break , the dog LOVES it there too as it is more open space and 5 minutes from the beach and my Grandson is off out on his bike every day riding up and down in front of the chalet HAPPY AS LARRY

He has a set routine which he is very used to which is IMPORTANT because of his Autism , he has difficult moments and difficulties with change which have to be handled CALMLY and gently with love and care ( not saying my daughter does not love him but her PATIENCE IS LACKING tbh ) and one thing it takes is A LOT of patience and consistency and STABILITY!!

He HATES chaos and loves order and he was removed from a chaotic lifestyle and I do NOT want him going back into it

He has incredibly intense meltdowns which are downright DIFFICULT to deal with and you have to have nerves of steel and yet remain calm as a cucumber lol

You have to be child focused and GET HIM THROUGH HIS STORMS , go through them with him and come out the other end together

Be used to EARLY MORNINGS EVERY DAY as he does not know he needs to have a lie in on a Saturday or Sunday so expect a large enthusiastic child jumping on you at 6AM on a SUNDAY ( and Saturday ) morning! lol

You have to expect some sleep depravation , tiredness , fatigue and yet KEEP GOING as little man has all his care needs to be MET , EVERY DAY , WITHOUT FAIL and with utter consistency

Do I think my daughter is capable of doing all this and more? .... Sadly NO

I really do not think she will be up for it for a long while and anything before that , someone will suffer!!

His school attendance went up to 99% ( from 70-80% ) let's see what it would end up at in his mums care?

He has put on weight and is in fact a bit chubby now with all Nanny's home cooking and baking together and puddings etc ( oops! lol ) but he was UNDERWEIGHT when he came into care as she was not feeding him as she was passed out drunk yet has the cheek to nag me about him having a tummy now lol ( which can easily be lost!! )

I saw a photo yesterday of when he first came into care , he looked SO SKINNY I CRIED

I DO NOT want him going back into any type of hell anywhere even near how it was before!!! ... And Mr Ex boyfriend on the scene does NOT fill me with confidence but we will see what social services say x

There's something not right here. If the local authority have placed your grandson formally into your care, then he is their responsibility. I would be very tempted to push for a meeting with a senior practitioner from the child protection team. You need to clarify your status and that of your daughter in relation to your grandson. You also need to state clearly, and in writing (copied to the Director of Social Services or whatever they are calling it in your patch) your concerns. You should ask them to specify the terms and conditions under which he could be allowed to live or stay with his mother, how those conditions will be monitored and how you will be involved. Ask whether it would require a case conference to agree any change in the current arrangements. Don't take one social worker's word for it - get it in writing. The overriding interests are the wishes and the safety of the child. I hope you get some reassuring responses.

Nannynoo, I have some questions for you if I may?

Is your grandson considered a 'Child in Need' case? If so do you have regular multi agency meetings including yourself, your daughter and other supportive persons?

Is an Early Help Assessment being/been completed with a clear support/action plan?

When are the hair testing being completed?

Is the case within the Court arena?

Has the SW not considered a Child Arrangement Order in order to provide stability for your grandson whilst in your care and his mother undertaking assessments?

What is the SW's contingency plan should mother fail her assessments?

When are they proposing to undertake the parenting assessment?

How old is your grandson

He has puberty and teen years coming up which is going to be difficult..

He is a different boy from when he was taken into care at 7 years old!!

He is nearly 10 now and I doubt she remembers much about when he was 6-7 years old tbh

Talking to the school about your concerns might be useful, as they'll have a voice at your grandson's care meeting. It's a valid move, as they'll have to provide continuity for him if he does go back to his mother.

The parenting assessment should take into consideration the fact that the ex partner is on the scene and the worker undertaking the assessment should interview him as well as your daughter and of course you. Make sure you continue to stress to the social worker that your daughter is still using illegal substances and that her ex has been in prison for murder. This should all go in to the assessment and recommendations. Do you have parental responsibility? If not you could apply.

Hi Millymolly , he is placed with me under a section 20 with his Mums consent

I am officially his connected persons foster carer

He is a 'Looked After Child' so we have LAC reviews etc

Am not sure when the hair strand tests will be done as there seemed to be some reluctance by social services to pay for it

The case is not within the court arena as yet but the SW said they may be having a legal planning meeting soon

They have asked me if I am willing to go for an SGO ( guardianship ) and I said yes

If she fails her assessments social services will pay the legal costs for me to go for an SGO

Not sure when they plan to start the parenting assessments either , they themselves seem uncertain of the way forward for some reason but are still talking about parallel planning ie Plan A he is returned to Mum , plan B I go for guardianship x

Sorry to hear you're having such a worrying time. I'd be worried as well.

I'm surprised there's not a safeguarding issue with your daughter's partner, could you ring the NSPCC and see what they think?

Unfortunately, if your daughter has one everything they have asked of her to prove her fitness, they will have to keep their side of the bargain.

I hope that if he does return to live with his mum, you are able to maintain a relationship with him so he knows he has a back up if things go wrong.

It seems they are looking at plan A first as the priority which I think they have to do legally

Ah PamQS he will ALWAYS have a backup with me xx

I am sure the social workers feel the same as you but they have to prove that your daughter is not able to care for your grandson. No court is going to reprevent her having him, if it appears she is looking after him reaonable well.

I presume the ex is not the childs father if he was in prison for 10 years. Again he has served his time and just because he murdered someone at 16 doesn't mean he hasnt't reformed. It is up to your daughter to protect her son from him and any other visitors to her home who are behaving in an undesirable fashion.

Your daughter is doing well at her job, this will be in her favour. She has to pass a number of tests to prove she hasn't been drinking ? taking drugs. The disablities team like the health visitor, if she is involved, have full responsiblity and training to referr to the social worker any concerns.

Your grandson is being seen in school and they also have a responsibity to immediately report any concerns.

All the professionals have to protect your grandson but must give your daughter a chance to prove she can look after your grandson.

I am sure he would be happier and healthie with you but it must also be difficult for you to wish failure on your daughter. She seems to have achieved alot and feels she deserves reward and recognition of her achievements. I am sure she if aware of yours and others doubts.

My heart goes out to you to have to sit back and wait.

Addictions never really go away and require constant work and vigillance to sustain recovery. Is she a member of AA? do you get support from any family group for addicts?

I can understand how frantic you must feel.

I wonder if there is any point you talking to a solictor for advice on this? Social services are really stretched and will be happy to off load a case if they can, but if you are unsure of your daughters ability to cope and her decision making capabilities then that needs to be made clear to them and her.

A murderer of any description can never be trusted again, both of them could be at risk and he is probably adept at manipulating her and may be keen to have the boy there as additional security for benefits and control purposes.

Will she have a CFW community family worker coming in to support her? Sounds like you both need all the help you can get what a nightmare for you.

I know from life experiences how social workers can overlook the obvious.

My heart goes out to you.