My Grandson is scared of me!

Ignore him. He will eventually want your attention.

They sound very responsible parents and is mid 30's really that old!!!!

Are you able to speak to your son in confidence and discuss any issues with him ? I agree with ignoring the child for a while and let him come to you when/if ... however, surely the parents should be doing more to bridge the gap so that the child doesn’t get so upset, whatever the reason behind it.

I don't think the parents are being overprotective by putting limits on treats, screen time, and toys. That's called good parenting. It's now recommended that very young children should not have ANY screen time. Controlling treats is part of teaching healthy eating. As far as toys, I understand that too. There's only so much room in the house. Not to mention, GS is reaching an age where he actually doesn't need very many toys - he's getting closer to preschool age, where children's imaginations are so vivid that they can "play pretend" without actually needing much.

Both of mine used to do this with my ma in law who lived in a different country, so they rarely saw her. But as they got older, they came to love and cherish her. She was very patient. Don’t worry OP, it will change. Enjoy going to see your son and keep atmosphere light and loving. Esp with your daughter in law! Good luck.

luluaugust We used to drive up there and drive back same day but GS now has his nap scheduled from 10am till 1pm. So realistically we would have to leave home at 7am if we want to have time with him before his nap. It's a busy commuter route early morning so takes longer. Hubby is 67 and his eyes and also mine are not the best at night anymore. It's a rural area most of the way and we really dislike driving the country roads and lanes in the dark so unless we stay over somewhere we'd have to leave no later than 2.30pm to get home before dark. So choice is either have just an hour or so there or stay over nearby. DIL's parents stay over at the house but a) we don't want to impose and b) since we are no longer needed for 'night shifts' to give them a rest, Son and DIL have not offered to let us stay there. We have a motorhome and in the summer we will pitch up for the night at a local campsite about 10 mins drive away. Have asked Son if they can come over to us for a change but he says no as he has to work and tbh as he is the sole breadwinner I understand. DIL has been invited many times but always doing something else, seeing friends, going to her parents etc.

That's the problem with daughters in law

It seems your DS and DIL, both professionals, found the shock of late parenting a bit overwhelming. GS being so poorly couldn't have helped their anxiety. Now they’ve gone to the extreme of over parenting to compensate.

The main point I picked up in your posts was that although you received some brilliant distraction techniques from other GN’s you went on to say you aren’t allowed to do any of those things. No toys, sweets, etc. So it does seem that they felt overwhelmed, little one got sick, they didn’t know what to do, you stepped in, now they've become overprotective.

None of it your fault of course. You’ve got a great relationship with your other GC so we can rule out that you swoop in on a broom in a black cloak with a wart on the end of your nose, so why does he cry when he sees you?

It could be that he’s being over protected but then why does he go to his GF.

Perhaps you are so relaxed with your other GC that you turn up all excited/intense and overwhelm him (so all of the great advice on here about ignoring him but sparking his curiosity is a great idea).

Or, another possibility, that happened to me, is that he actually misses you as he trusts you because you were there when he was poorly and his only way of communicating is to show you he’s cross with you.

One of my GC lived with me as a baby. I won’t bore you with the in’s and out’s as this isn’t about me, but she punished me after a period of my not being around by completely snubbing me. I was really shocked as we were so close and she would come to me above anyone if she fell down. So to act as though I wasn't in the room was baffling. We are fine now. It took her a little while to realise I was still there for her and I didn't push it.

So don’t reduce your visits but don’t overcompensate yourself and take the good suggestions about distraction techniques in the meantime. I’m sure, as you have a good relationship with your other GC it will all sort itself out.

Another passing thought - could you arrange to meet half way, perhaps at an equidistant attraction (your treat) or child friendly cafe? Would mean only 45 minutes driving each.

Whilst I think it is very important you hang on in there to be part of DGS life I feel you have been doing a bit to much. I can understand for example staying in a hotel if you were seeing them twice a year but not on a regular basis. Maybe you should explain to your son some of what you have explained to us [your DH and the driving] and ask him to bring his family over to you on a more regular basis, or next time you are with them ask your DIL if a visit could go in the diary, nothing ventured.... It doesn't surprise me that your 20 month old prefers Grandad at present its a pack thing and a jolly Grandad is often preferred by small males.

When my DGS was a baby he didn't like me at all, he screamed every time I went near him. He used to tell my DH he loved him but he didn't love me. This went on for years and I just let it go. He is now 14 and we are the best of friends. I think you just have to be patient.

Hm99

Maybe sit on the sofa away from him with an interesting toy, or an iPad with his favourite cartoon on or chocolate

Chocolate? oh no no no he's not allowed chocolate or sweet things. And iPad cartoons are again a no no as his screen time of any description is strictly limited and happens at a set time which is usually for 30 mins in the morning after breakfast.

4allweknow

Is there any way he could be in the company of his cousins with you there?

How I wish this was possible but they have been pretty much cut out too. My daughter was really looking forward to being an Aunty and her girls, especially the younger one, really wanted to be cousins but due to my daughters work as a mental health support worker she works nearly every weekend, split shifts and not enough time to travel the 90mins to her brother's house and 90mins back and as I've said Son or DIL seems to have the attitude that we should visit them. DIL drives and has own car but will not come over on her own or make an effort to visit. One time when my daughter and family did visit following an invitation to do so when GS was about a month old, DIL's family turned up not long after and daughter and family including my GD's were ignored. Not even offered a drink let alone a bite to eat yet DIL's family were catered for. My daughter was fuming, just so very rude but hey ho. Daughter has invited them over numerous times in the early days but to no avail. DIL is a very different person to my daughter, they are civil but never going to be buddies yet DIL could learn so much from her as she was a senior NNEB nursery nurse for over 18 years. Daughter would never foist advice onto people but would happily give a personal and professional opinion if asked.

Edith b .
Im in the same boat.
I have 2 sons no daughters.
When they married the dils were all over us , and we paid for my eldest ds wedding.
A couple of months after she begins to cut us out .
Making false accusations .
Shes only interested in her own family .
She controls my eldest ds and he hasnt visited us for 10 years .
Despite doing nothing to them that i can think of they dont have anything to fo with us and we soend every xnas on pur own without both sons.
My youngest ds is 30 .
Hes with his partner fir the last 2 years and theyre no kids yet.
But he has become the same as my elder ds and we never see him.
The oldest ds and her are quite happy for us to mind the 3 grandkids twice a week.
But we have to collect them and bring them home .
Whilst im delighted to see my grandchildre all boys .
Im saddened that my own 2 sons are no longer in my life .
They go along with the wives wishes for sn easier life .This is the trend with this new selfish generation .We just have to suck it uo even though weve done nothing to derserve it.
Many many couples with sons are finding it the same .

Izabella, I couldn't agree more.

Edithb

Izabella that’s exactly what I was going to say. Play on the floor with anything yourself. Don’t make eye contact until he joins you. He will. If not the first time you do it then maybe further along the line. His curiosity will get the better of him. If he moves any of “your” toys tell him you are pleased he is helping because you are not sure what you should do next. Good luck.

This is normal especially with boys.
I have 3 grandsons all brothers .
And all were like that
My middle gs whoose now 5 wouldnt entertaine for 2 years.
You have to ride it out .

Why don't you "back off" oldbatty - you have said nothing remotely useful just hurtful

Absolutely no need for that. My original response was poorly worded and not thought out. I apologised quite clearly..

I have made what I feel is a useful point that the Mum may have been at a low ebb and has now bonded with the little one and that is to be celebrated.

I do feel that the OP perhaps would be wise to slightly withdraw from the situation rather than put herself through more stress. I also note some emotive words in her original post and something of a competition for affection. Perhaps she feels especially hurt as she so kindly stepped in and offered help in the early days.

Have you considered letting him see that you are 'friends' with his mum by walking in with a present of flowers or chocolates and taking more notice of her than of him? Just a suggestion, I appreciate that the situation must be distressing for you but am sure will be resolved as he gets older.

As MawBroon says, many grandparents see their grandchildren a lot less often due to distance etc. I only see mine (now 2 and 3 years) 3 or 4 times a year as they live abroad. The older one was very clingy to mother for quite a long time and would only come to me if no other choice! Now it’s better, so I think it’s probably a phase.

You were obviously a great help and support when grandchild was younger, but at the moment it doesn’t seem like there’s much of a role for you when you visit. Therefore I’d suggest visiting less often for the moment. Let the other grandparents enjoy their first grandchild - you’ve got 2 others to enjoy. If your visits are further apart, grandchild may forget why he’s scared of you. Could your husband visit alone a couple of times?

Distance and time apart don’t have to affect relationships with grandparents long term. My children love their paternal grandmother who they only saw every few years as children - she lives in another country. Now as adults they choose to travel to visit her. Their relationship with my mother, who they saw more often, was ok, but not as strong.

Keep up the visiting for as long as is financially possible but ignore the youngster,he'll soon come-to.
The worst thing you can do at this stage is steer clear.

My 2 year old GGS used to pull his lip when his mum nipped out and I know it's upsetting to see so I started playing with his cars and making car noises ( taking no notice of the child ) and it wasn't long before he joined in.

Nursery has been a godsend in this respect and he attends for 2 full days and he's tons better if not naughty/cheeky now.

I agree with Ilovecheese.
BTW, do you wear perfume? Your GS might not like being close to you for that reason.
I was in front of a man in a long Post Office queue on Tues and he was talking to a friend. He stank of cigarettes, so much so that I had to leave and go outside to get fresh air.
Some smells affect some people. Just something to consider.

A niece of DH went through a phase, when she was small, where she would have nothing to do with men. She is married with 2 sons now, so I think she got over that. Another niece didn't like my father in the peaked cap he wore for work. I did wonder if OP's GS had had a bad dream, featuring her quite out of character, which made an impression.

When my oldest daughter was a baby and toddler she would just into tears when my father in law came to visit. He was a lovely man and she was his first grandchild. It wasn't because he was a man as she would go to my uncle and brother. He was hurt but we explained it wasn't him, just a phase and it would pass. When her brother was born, she was 22 months old and the first time father in law visited the new baby she ran to him for a cuddle and all was fine!! Give it time..