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Grandparenting

New GC

(82 Posts)
Ponymoore Mon 01-Apr-19 16:42:49

We have looked after our twin granddaughters who are seven from when they were born. We live very near them and take them to school a couple of mornings and collect most evenings. Our daughter is expecting a baby after trying for fifteen years but lives two hundred miles from us. She would like us to move nearer to her when she has the baby but we are in turmoil on what to do

phoenix Mon 01-Apr-19 16:56:30

You must be very pleased for your daughter, but I think she is asking too much of you.

Apart from your relationship with your twin GD's, you probably have friends where you are now, and perhaps as members of clubs or societies.

By all means go and stay for sometime when the baby is born, but to ask you to up sticks and move house is unfair.

M0nica Mon 01-Apr-19 16:57:04

This sounds a bit doormatty. Whatever your children want you wll consider it.

Forget,(for about) 10 minutes the expected new arrival and ask your self two questions
1) Do I really want to upsticks and move from an area where (presumably) I am settled and have friends and to some unknown part of the country where I know no-one, have no idea whether I will like it or not and I could end up very lonely.
2) If I had to move, is where DD lives an area I would like to live in? If it isn't do not move.

A lot of people in your situation have acted on the request without careful thought, carried away in a cloud of grandmotherly love, only to deeply regret the decision later for all kinds of reasons.

Think long and hard about your decision.

kittylester Mon 01-Apr-19 17:10:26

And, might she move somewhere else?

And, would you be leaving the current family, who presumably rely on you, in the lurch.

Wobbles Mon 01-Apr-19 17:17:25

Congratulations, I'm thrilled for your daughter and you after so many years of trying.

But your life is where you live not where she lives. You would be giving up more than you would be gaining.

I do understand the dilemma you're in as my son and his family live hundreds of miles away from me.

I also think it's slightly unfair of your daughter to put you in this position.

shysal Mon 01-Apr-19 17:19:34

Ponymoore, if anyone should consider moving then it must be your daughter. She is asking too much of you.

sodapop Mon 01-Apr-19 18:10:15

Kittylester is right, if the only reason for moving is to be be near your daughter then think very carefully. Your daughter may move on elsewhere then you are high and dry. It's a big step to take for this one reason, grandchildren are soon grown and your help not needed.
Consider your options carefully Ponymoore

Loulelady Mon 01-Apr-19 18:28:24

I agree with the previous posters, she is asking too much.
It’s not just your commitment to your existing GC, it’s your home, your friends she is asking you to leave.
Let her know you will get across to her as much as you can and tell her you’d be delighted if she could move back closer to you.

H1954 Mon 01-Apr-19 18:33:23

Mmmmm! I thînk I would be asking DD who's pregnant to move closer to me, it's easier for the youngsters than those of us in mature years. I do think she's being a little selfish actually. I certainly wouldn't like to think I had to move house after all the years I've lived here.

Bibbity Mon 01-Apr-19 20:12:29

Holy enticement batman!!

YANBU! At all. Not even in the slightest.
I’d send one firm but polite message back
“I am happy with where I live now and will not be moving anytime in the near future. However if you decide to move down that would be lovely”

agnurse Mon 01-Apr-19 21:45:26

YANBU. SHE is.

It's very nice if grandparents live close to their AC and GC. Notice I said "very nice". I didn't say "necessary".

Only you can decide if that's something you're prepared to do. In addition to the regular points, such as selling your home and finding a place to live, you'll also need to consider whether there are services you might eventually need in that area, such as whether there are GPs accepting new patients and what types of seniors' facilities are there. (Not saying that you're old, by any means, but just that eventually you may well need these things, particularly if you decide that you'd like to live in that area for a while. It helps to be prepared.)

If GPs are willing to help with childcare, that's lovely, but it isn't and should never be an expectation.

crazyH Mon 01-Apr-19 22:16:37

No, I wouldn't relocate just so you can help with childcare. What about your twin granddaughters? You are in a way committed to them.
You could probably go and help out during school holidays etc, but moving should not be an option.
I do some of the school runs etc for my daughter's children...have always done (14 years now). My sons have started their families, I made it clear, in the nicest possible way, that I was committed to the older grandchildren and probably wouldn't have the time or energy to do anything more than the odd babysitting .

crazyH Mon 01-Apr-19 22:20:39

Oh and congratulations to your daughter, partner and all the family, on the arrival of the long awaited baby. I am so pleased for you all 💐🎉🍷🎂😘xx

Tangerine Mon 01-Apr-19 23:11:04

What if she moves somewhere else?

A lot depends on how settled you feel where you currently live and your financial circumstances.

I think you should think carefully.

I hope everything goes well with the pregnancy.

GrandmainOz Tue 02-Apr-19 01:46:24

What wonderful news for your daughter. She's probably feeling in an absolute emotional turmoil now that what was a dream for so long has suddenly come true.
This may have led her to feel a bit panicky and think she must have her Mum around as it must be a huge deal for her after 15 years.
Any newly pregnant mother can feel a bit weird and vulnerable but for her it must really be magnified.
That said, my view is you just can't decide to start a family with any assumptions of anyone else's involvement. It's her child, not yours. And while any help you can give should be welcome, she can't expect her parents to uproot their entire lives.
Hopefully given time to get used to the idea of motherhood, she'll calm down a bit and realise that of course she can do this.
Best of luck. But gently remind her this is her baby, not yours.

OutsideDave Tue 02-Apr-19 01:57:50

Did you move to be closer to your twin grandchildren when they were
Born or had you already been settled then for some time?

Lavazza1st Tue 02-Apr-19 05:27:34

So fabulous that your DD has got pregnant after so long! Congratulations!

I would stay where you are. You have already bonded with your twin Gds and have a life there. If your DD wants to move nearer to you, that would be the best answer. Moving house is hard at any age, but easier for the young.

Luckygirl Tue 02-Apr-19 09:17:48

Please do not be in turmoil about this. You are already committed to care for your existing GC and cannot just stop this.

Perhaps tell your DD that you cannot renege on your existing arrangement. She must realise this I am sure.

Stay where you are with all your friends around you; and pop up and see your DD whenever you are able.

crystaltipps Tue 02-Apr-19 09:23:24

If helping with childcare is the sole reason for moving the the answer should be a big fat no. If she’s waited 15 years for a child, maybe she’d want to be looking after the baby herself . Go and stay for a week or two to help her out but unless you are desperate to move anyway ( it sounds like you aren’t) stay put.

Craftycat Tue 02-Apr-19 10:21:30

Go & stay of course & then you will get the feeling for the area- you may love it. However it is YOUR life too.
Do you really want to miss the girls growing up into teenagers ( actually having a DGD entering this phase maybe you may be better out of it!!)
Does your daughter have a partner who needs to live there to work? Could they re-locate or is his family local to them? So many possibilities to consider. Don't do anything rash.

Larsonsmum Tue 02-Apr-19 10:22:18

You've done more than your fair share of childcare, and I'm wondering if her real reason for wanting you to move beside her is so you can provide childcare for her too once she returns to work?

I have extremely strong feelings that grandparents should not be full-time unpaid carers for grandchildren, especially if they have worked all their lives looking forward to their retirement and doing what they want...and never had time to do when bringing up their family/working.

Having lost numerous friends in their 60s and some only in their 50s, I say you need to have a life of your own, and childcare for grandchildren should only be occasionally.

lincolnimp Tue 02-Apr-19 10:29:10

It is a hard one, and I can see it from both sides.
Our DCs will tell how it is to be the younger GCs, when the older 2 get all the attention. Slightly different for them as we all lived within 10 miles of GPs.
We are currently in the process of planning to move almost 200 miles to be near our youngest GCs. Our older ones have had us around since birth, giving childcare when mum had to go back to work . Now that they are much older, and both parents work from home much of the time, we are free to move to be near the younger ones.
It is, however, our decision, and we are hopefully able to afford a house to move into (albeit smaller than our current one, which we no longer need) and a static caravan on a site near the Older GC, so that we can visit regularly

BassGrammy Tue 02-Apr-19 10:32:08

When my daughter had her first child I too was 200 miles away. I had just retired so was able to go there for a 2 or 3 days every month, which was lovely. She had no other support where she was living. I did this for 4 years and then out of the blue, they decided they were going to move nearer to us! For the last 7 years they have lived 10 minutes away and we see them several times a week. Her husband continues to work 200 miles away, but goes there 3 days a week, working at home the other two days. At least when he’s away she now has support. My other grandchildren come to stay in school holidays and have done since they were small. I certainly wouldn’t upsticks and move right now, things will have a way of working themselves out once the excitement has died down. Your daughter is probably feeling rather panicked at the thought of looking after a new baby without you there.

annehinckley Tue 02-Apr-19 10:33:51

Don't do it!
But be gentle with her. Say you will help out however you can WITHOUT moving. Can she have a spare bedroom made up into 'your' room for example?
BTW your other AC and GDs are very likely to feel rejected by such a move - with consequences for your relationships with them.

Pat1949 Tue 02-Apr-19 10:34:00

You are already regularly looking after your two Grand daughters, why would you suddenly want to get up and move, because your daughter beckons. A bit selfish of her to say the least. Without knowing the full facts, I would assume it was her decision to move 200 miles away, if she is going to be so reliant on you why doesn't she move closer to you.

Elliepops Tue 02-Apr-19 10:36:24

No, no, no, once theyave the baby, they may want to move again.
Two weeks when baby is born, will help and comfort her. Midwife will call or she can call them. Just happened to my gg.

quizqueen Tue 02-Apr-19 10:42:51

Your daughter decided to move hundreds of miles away from you. Her choice. She should not expect you to up sticks and follow her. Presumably, she had not asked you to move before she got pregnant, so now she sounds as if she wants unpaid childcare like her sibling has been getting! Tell her to move back closer to you, and you would be more than happy to help out with the new baby if she wants closer family ties.

grannytotwins Tue 02-Apr-19 10:47:10

My twin grandchildren are seven. I had hugs and so many kisses this morning before school and in the playground when I took them to school. They would be broken hearted if I moved away. I can understand your dilemma, but you have an established routine where you are now. Maybe your daughter who is pregnant will decide to move nearer to you when she understands how committed you are, or maybe you can compromise with weekends with her and the new baby.

ReadyMeals Tue 02-Apr-19 10:47:45

If the daughter needs your help let her move nearer you. Kids choose to move away then have the nerve to complain their parents are too far away!

lincolnimp Tue 02-Apr-19 10:47:52

quizqueen I feel it is a little unfair to say---without knowing----that the daughter chose to move 200 miles away.
Jobs are not always available locally, it is often a case of moving where the work is.
In our case, we know that our SIL would have to live where he was sent, regardless of their preferences

Craicon Tue 02-Apr-19 10:47:55

Oh my. Sounds like an entitled adult child issue.
Where in this scenario are your needs being placed?

Her wanting you to move closer to her is her way of saying ‘waah, it’s unfair, she’s had tons of free childcare for years, now it’s my turn for a freebie’.

How old are you and do you really want to start again somewhere new, just to be the hired help?

It would be a big fat NO from me but I’d probably say ‘I’m happy to visit for a week or so initially to help get you settled and you’re very welcome to move permanently near to me’.

I don’t do any grandparenting as such as we live miles away but I’m very happy with this arrangement as I strongly feel that bringing up children is the parents responsibility and grandparents are there just to provide occasional fun outings and treats.

4allweknow Tue 02-Apr-19 10:48:14

You say after 15 years, goodness hasn't your DD had time to think about how they will cope with a child. Awful easy to succumb to the 'I am needed' scenario you will though be turning your life upside down if you move with no guarantee you will settle and enjoy where you will be living. A bit too big an ask.

freestyle Tue 02-Apr-19 10:50:46

Congrats to your daughter and yourselves on the coming grandchild. I think the best thing is to ask your daughter to move to where you live then you can support her as much as possible. Would she do this ? Possibly not as she wouldn’t want to leave her friends would she. It amazes me how how children expect everything from us and in my case give nothing back in return.... good luck and at the end of the day you must do what is best for you xx

lincolnimp Tue 02-Apr-19 10:56:32

I seriously don't think that I belong here.
No, I'm not having a big----I'm going to leave moment---I'm too mature for that, but I'm a Grandma who loves being a grandma
Yes, I have my own interests, but perhaps it is because I am coming to the end of 32 years as a Foster Carer that means I am still totally happy to have a hands on approach with our GC---when needed.
Also, my 2 DDs are both in 'caring' professions, both not very well paid, nor are their husbands.
Without people in their professions we would all be a lot worse off, so why shouldn't I have an adventure and move to be near the youngest GC, make new friends, and enjoy sharing the joys and sorrows of the little ones

Willow10 Tue 02-Apr-19 10:56:34

I moved from the Somerset coast to the midlands to help my daughter, who had four children under 6 and was expecting twins. I've regretted it ever since. Do you want to be a grandparent or just a convenient, free babysitter? Why can't couples bring their own children up any more?

harrigran Tue 02-Apr-19 10:57:50

Think long and hard before upping sticks, I have heard of many people of our generation moving to be near an AC only to find a few years on the DC are moving on to new job and so on.
I would hate to move from where I live, close to a bus stop and a supermarket and other facilities. DS once suggested closer to them would be useful but it was in the middle of the countryside in a county I do not know, half hour drive to the shops is not what I am looking for at this stage of my life.

Theoddbird Tue 02-Apr-19 10:59:01

Can't mothers manage on their own anymore? I wonder about this when I see grandparents running in circles helping out.

Chinesecrested Tue 02-Apr-19 11:02:23

Your granddaughters would be devastated if you move 200 miles away. That's too big a price to pay. Your DD will have to move near you instead

dizzygran Tue 02-Apr-19 11:28:39

lovely news but unrealistic to expect you to up sticks and move. 200 miles. Let her know that you will help but you do not want to leave your home friends garden etc. As she's pregnant her feelings are all over the place so don't give you GDs as one of the main reasons for not wanting to move Things will settle down when the new baby arrives.

icanhandthemback Tue 02-Apr-19 11:41:06

What an exciting and scary time for your daughter. I know that when I was younger if anything went wrong, I always felt like I needed my Mum even if I regretted it later when she swept in, made waves and swept out again...I'm a slow learner!
Make a list of the pros and cons of making the move if you are tempted. Take into account that many find that motherhood changes the relationship between parent and child so it may not all be rosy.
lincolnimp, I seriously don't think that I belong here.
I'm not sure why you think that. We all have different views and that is what makes it interesting. I'd give moving consideration and I love helping my AC with their childcare but not everyone does. Nowadays, I'm not sure that I would think moving is a great adventure but hats off to you that you still have that energy!

Ginny42 Tue 02-Apr-19 11:53:58

Choose your words carefully. She must be over the moon at the pregnancy news as I'm sure you all are, but may be a little apprehensive about the birth and coping with a new baby. You don't say how old she is, but if she's been trying for 15 years, she's not a young Mum. She might just need you close at first until she gets into the way of things. She must know how much you've been doing for your other grandchildren and it's easy to upset someone unintentionally.

Long stays to help might be a first step and see whether you feel about moving there in time. Presumably you know the area where she lives quite well by now and must have an inkling about whether you'd consider living there. The twins are now seven and can cope with short absences whilst you go and help with their little cousin.

GoldenAge Tue 02-Apr-19 11:56:23

This whole moving thing is fraught with problems. But ultimately it depends upon what you WANT to do. I moved to be close to my only child at her request when she was pregnant but it was a move to a big city that I had wanted to make - I was just so glad that she wanted me to be near to her, where her career had been built after leaving for university. Had I remained where I was I would have had no family and just a handful of friends and neighbours all with their own younger families to keep them busy. However, I have a friend who has a daughter who lives 300 miles away of her own choosing and has recently asked her mother to move to give her help with her two children because her husband has moved out and put her in the position of having to go back to work. My friend has always lived in this area, she does voluntary work, has lots of friends, two siblings and several nieces and nephews, as well as her son and two teenage grandchildren who she has helped with. My friend looks at the situation quite objectively and thinks that were she to up-sticks she would be leaving her entire life behind and pine for it. She wonders why her daughter doesn't consider moving back to her home town where she would be able to access her mother's support and that of her other family. It's a good question.

Orelse Tue 02-Apr-19 12:21:15

I would jump at the opportunity to be involved in both but not move . Split time between where you are and your daughter .. overnight stays Weekly which also fit in with the 7 years old . I would do it all , and gradually it will settle down into a sensible routine , as things change . ( things keep changing with young children's routines ) . I have done something similar , and over time it all worked out well ... and I/ we still have our "me" time and hobbies ( singing and art history classes) . They are young for such a short time, that we wanted it this way .
Don't forget your daughter will be home with the baby for 6 months to a year ....a lot changes in that time. Go with her to mother/baby groups .... join NCT ....this will stop her feeling isolated as everyone has family in common ..... take a step at a time ..all will be lovely xx good luck

okimherenow Tue 02-Apr-19 12:25:29

My cousin was in a similar dilemma and what she did was stay in the house she lived .... and bought a static caravan on a site close to second daughter...
she couldn’t afford to move but could afford the second hand caravan and the annual fees
This has worked so well for them all...

Orelse Tue 02-Apr-19 12:25:32

Ps ... my daughter (aged40) tried for 15 years tooo....gave up , got pregnant , panicked about coping ,turned to us in the same way .... but it calmed once the baby had arrived..... her children are now 6 and 3 ( 2nd child a surprise too ) 😁

Emelle Tue 02-Apr-19 12:26:06

I really understand your dilemma We have two daughters and five grandchildren who live about 80 miles away and we went and stayed overnight every week to help with childcare. We decided to sell our family home with a view to moving nearer to the family Fortunately, we were able to rent a house in the area and after 4 months returned home. We were kept busy during the week on child minding duties and then left alone at weekend as the families were busy with their own lives - rightly so Those months away made us really appreciate what we had in our own area and having our own interests We were outbid on one house and now I see that as a blessing. I hope you can find a solution that suits you all.

ReadyMeals Tue 02-Apr-19 12:28:45

You can't leave your 7yr old GC, they have already established a bond with you where they are used to seeing you on an almost daily basis and you share in their care. They will have formed an emotional dependency on you.
Their need for you at this time is greater than that of the unborn one who will get to know you as someone he sees only once a month or so.

Ironmaiden Tue 02-Apr-19 12:29:44

If she wants you around then she should move, not you. It’s incredibly selfish of her to want you to leave your other daughter, friends and home.

Ellen80 Tue 02-Apr-19 13:07:33

Hi! A difficult decision. I agree with everyone that you got to think hard especially the idea your daughter might decide to move.
The only other consideration would be if you think she can provide help if you became incapable. (She will obviously have her hands full anyway, but it's a better environment than a nursing home!)

4allweknow Tue 02-Apr-19 13:09:41

Here, here! Agree totally.

arosebyanyothername Tue 02-Apr-19 13:27:22

Lots of good advice on here. Take a deep breath and don’t rush into saying or doing anything immediately.
Once the dust dies down your daughter might realise she’s asking too much.

Gingergirl Tue 02-Apr-19 13:40:18

Never assume that your children will stay put. With all due respect, they may well not consider you, if they needed or had the opportunity to live somewhere else. So- I would live just where you want to...and then work round that. It’s important that you don’t sacrifice your own happiness too much, otherwise, in the long run, you won’t be any help or joy to anyone..

Dinahmo Tue 02-Apr-19 13:43:56

I don't think it's a good idea to move - as someone else said, your daughter could decide to move elsewhere. In the Suffolk village in which I used to live, there was an elderly lady who'd moved from Kent to be near her daughter who'd also moved from Kent. After a few years daughter moved back to Kent and the lady also moved back. As one gets older friends are beneficial and are often around when family members aen't because of work commitments etc.

If you can afford it, perhaps you could rent somewhere so that you can be with your daughter when the baby arrives and later on go up for a long weekend every so often.

luluaugust Tue 02-Apr-19 13:48:56

I think this is a knee jerk reaction to finding herself pregnant and all the joy that has come with that and she probably hasn't thought much about the actual logistics of this idea. I would stay where you are and visit when you can and have a planned stay when baby arrives. After the birth things could change a lot anyway so bide your time and I don't see any harm in half jokingly inviting her to move near you and seeing her reaction to the idea.

SueDoku Tue 02-Apr-19 13:56:34

What message would you be sending to your DGDs if you did this? That they were disposable? That you loved their cousin more than them? That you'd (as far as they know) been happy to see them often, but could just up sticks and move hundreds of miles away as soon as someone else asked..??
I'm sure that none of these is the message that you want them to have; they may have to share you in future, but please don't let them see you as someone who they love - and who just disappears...and at 7, that is what they'll see... 😢

grandtanteJE65 Tue 02-Apr-19 14:16:56

What jumps out at me here is that you have twin granddaughters who you are close to. If you move away to be near your daughter and her coming child, aren't you telling the grandchildren you already have that their aunt's child is more important to you than they are?

This is what I would expect any seven year old to get out of your moving, and it wouldn't surprise me if their parents felt the same.

If the seven year olds are your son's daughters please think hard and long here, because to my mind you would be telling him that his sister is more important than he is.

You seem to have a very good relationship with both the grandchildren you already have and their parents. As you probably know a lot of grans on gransnet don't. I wouldn't risk a relationship you already have which is so good.

Is it quite out of the question for your expectant daughter to me closer to you and her brother? sister?

Why does she want you near her? Is she looking for free child minding? Assuming that you have done it once and will do so for her too.

Congratulations to both you and her, a much wanted baby is a blessing, but please, do count the blessings you already have too.

chris8888 Tue 02-Apr-19 14:30:32

I would stay close to my friends and the twins. Moving is a nightmare and what if your daughter decided to emigrate next year. The twins will be heartbroken too.

Roxannediane Tue 02-Apr-19 14:46:11

I look after 3 grandchildren locally on an almost daily basis for 2 of my daughters. A third daughter lives abroad and whenever she has a baby (4) I go for 6 weeks and my daughters locally make other arrangements for that time.
I would not move unless it was my choice to do so. Too expensive for a start. Stay put!!

Hm999 Tue 02-Apr-19 14:51:24

Think about an Airbnb rental near where she lives around the time baby is born. Unless it's high season or in a fabulous city, the host will almost undoubtedly do you a reduction deal for a fortnight stay.

You say 'we'. Can one of you go up there for a while, and the other carry on as normal with twins.

I've moved around a lot, starting up in a new area is a big deal. Many/most of our relationships are work or interest related. Please think about it carefully, before making this big decision.

Grammaretto Tue 02-Apr-19 14:55:14

I agree with others on here. Does your DD think that now the twins are at school they don't need you as much and she will need help with a tiny baby?
Is there some sibling rivalry going on?
Our AC all live miles away - in one case 12,000 - so we just can't help them out much.
We haven't moved. They all moved away from us.

I hope you can come to a happy arrangement with intensive help at the beginning and some judicious babysitting weekends later on.

Congratulations to your DD

Graceandsalvy1 Tue 02-Apr-19 15:06:24

Ask yourself, would you have asked this of your own mother?

We have somehow created a sense of entitlement within our own children and in my experience it knows no bounds and rarely works both ways.

Put yourself first, in what should be a more relaxed, peaceful period of your life.

HappyBee Tue 02-Apr-19 15:12:35

When I was pregnant with my first child, my parents were in a turmoil as they had decided to move nearer to their parents to look after them in their old age. Even though I needed my Mum and Dad’s support, I would never have asked them to change all their plans just because I was expecting their Grandchild. It was hard at first them living so far away but I made sure that my girls always saw them regularly and they came to stay with us too. I’m quite lucky now to be a Granny that lives close to my own daughter so I can help out but if she lived miles away I wouldn’t up sticks just to be near her. I would just make sure that we visited each other regularly like I had to with my parents. 🐝

sharon103 Tue 02-Apr-19 15:34:45

I agree that you shouldn't move for all the reasons given of other posters.

newgran2019 Tue 02-Apr-19 15:38:54

It's the possibility of this dilemma arising that is one of the things that makes me determined not to be a childminding granny; I have three children in different locations round the country, plus a demanding elderly mother near me. I do feel guilty at times, such as when I see so many GPs collecting children from the local schools, but have many reasons for not doing it, not all of them selfish! When I was A) a child and B) a young parent, there was never this expectation that GPs should do all this and it's very unfair, especially when our own parents are living for longer but not necessarily in good health. Rant over!

Esspee Tue 02-Apr-19 15:50:16

If I had been trying for a baby for 15 years I would want to enjoy every moment with my precious baby. Surely she is going to be a stay at home mum?
It is totally unreasonable for her to ask you to move. Just find a tactful way of telling her no.

queenofsaanich69 Tue 02-Apr-19 15:55:01

Good advice annehinckley,explain you can come and help however often you feel you can,then your husband can be there for existing family,you can go in an emergency or each month for so many days( good way to get your hands on the lovely new baby)Maybe she can come and stay when she is not working,see other family and be spoiled by Mum & Dad.She probably feels nervous and overwhelmed and what you do for one child the others always expect,human nature.Don't worry it will all work out.

Sleepygran Tue 02-Apr-19 16:04:37

When my dd got pregnant she lived over 100 miles away.We could have upped sticks and moved but both my parents were ill and died just before and just after the baby came.
She decided to move nearer to home for the support and it's worked really well.
They bought a bigger house for the same money and both got jobs within a couple of months so win win.

Rene72 Tue 02-Apr-19 17:24:39

I would think long and hard about moving. I moved to Harrow to help my pregnant and disabled daughter, when the child was 1 year old she got pregnant again meaning I was looking after my grandson and both her and her husband, both treated me as a nanny/housekeeper. My daughter treated me abominably, the last straw came the day she said ‘I’m going to the gym, I’ll be a couple of hours, wash the conservatory floor while I’m out because husband has left dirty footprints on it’. No please or thank you! I had to get on my hands and knees to scrub off the ‘rubber’ marks from his shoes. Bear in mind I have arthritis in both hands. At that time I did used to smoke but always in the garden, when she got back she screamed at me that I’d smoked in her house, which I hadn’t. I told her husband that I’d had enough and I wouldn’t be coming back. He begged me not to leave him with her but I just couldn’t take any more of her abuse! I did try ringing her several times after a couple of months to try to make up but she refused to speak to me. GS is now 19, he did try to contact me on FB when he was about 14 but she checks everything he does on line and she blamed me saying I’d tried to get in touch with him. Luckily, my other D was with me when the message came through and she did tell her it was GS that had tried to contact me! We haven’t had any contact now for about 16years.
I have now taken the decision that my other children will NOT tell her if or when I’m taken ill or die and she is NOT to come to my funeral. I’m also sad that I can’t talk to my other D as much as I should because she will tell her what I have said as they do keep in touch. The sad thing is..,.I’ve had no contact with my GS or his sister.
I’m not saying your D will do this to you but if you have no friends or other relatives in the area you could end up being at her beck and call! Only you know your children best.

Barmeyoldbat Tue 02-Apr-19 17:38:17

Could or would your daughter move to be nearer you? Its her first and she is probably in a panic about coping and childcare. Suggest you stay where you are but go and stay with your daughter after she has the baby to help her get into a routine, about a week or two should be long enough. Does she have a mil nearby who can help? Think long and hard about giving up the life you have.

Greciangirl Tue 02-Apr-19 18:00:21

She obviously wants and needs babysitting and support.

But at what cost to you.

What about your other grandchildren. Surely they will miss you, and you them.

I think the answer is a definite No.

Wobbles Tue 02-Apr-19 18:19:42

Where has OP gone?

mamamags Tue 02-Apr-19 20:20:18

Wobbles. Just what I was thinking. Perhaps she has lost interest😊

phoenix Tue 02-Apr-19 20:40:16

I was just about to post that the OP has not had the courtesy to acknowledge the replies that she has had.

Surely I can't be the only person that gets a bit miffed by this?

Wobbles Tue 02-Apr-19 21:00:02

phoenix miffed is the right word.
I don't understand people starting threads then disappearing.confused

ReadyMeals Tue 02-Apr-19 21:05:22

Goodness me she only posted yesterday! Some people are not online 16 hours a day, or even every day. If she's not back by tomorrow night then that's the time to express disappointment.

Wobbles Tue 02-Apr-19 21:47:19

Common courtesy would be to thank all posters for their thoughts and to say they will be read when OP has time.

ReadyMeals Tue 02-Apr-19 23:16:31

You don't even know if she has internet at home or can only log in from the public library, or if she's fallen ill since posting. I wish people would not be so ready to give each other a hard time.

GabriellaG54 Wed 03-Apr-19 11:01:43

Ask yourself this: 'Would my daughter and her family do the same for me if I needed occasional care?'.
If the answer is no then there's your reply to your daughter.
It works both ways.
Why ask us about a life changing move you've been asked to make.
We don't know how deeply rooted you are in your present community.
We don't know what moving costs you would incur.
We don't know the price your oresent house would command or indeed the price of houses near your daughter
If it seems like trying to uproot an oak tree, it would probably be as traumatic.
Personally, I would laugh at such a request, were any of my AC foolish enough to voice such selfishness.

Magrithea Wed 03-Apr-19 20:01:07

Ponymoore couldn't you go and stay for a while when the baby arrives if she needs the help (you don't say if she's got a partner/DH/SO). To up sticks like that is a decision that shouldn't be made just because you're asked and as others have said, you have your DGDs to think of too

Joyfulnanna Fri 05-Apr-19 01:00:42

You will jeopardise your relationship with your twin gd so no, don't do it. Its unreasonable of her to expect you to make such a move. I would take the option of staying with her regularly if you can manage that. Or tell her to move nearer you so your gd can build a relationship with their new cousin.. Cousins are our first friends and often have the most special bond. Good luck

Ponymoore Sat 27-Apr-19 16:57:24

Thankyou for all your comments, they are most appreciated. Sorry for the delay in replying but have been away for a few weeks.

Starlady Sat 27-Apr-19 18:00:22

Ponymoore, congratulations on your coming gc! Such joy for dd and the whole family! But I agree with the others, don't abandon the gds who already count on you or move away from friends, doctors, etc. that you know and trust. If dd feels the need for your help, let her move closer to you. She may feel you "did it" for her older sib and now it's "her turn," but she needs to understand that it doesn't work like that with gc's feelings.