Grandkids dad has become raging alcoholic

Rocky55 what a bloody awful situation, if you did take on the children (assuming that you could, legally) I think that there would be allowances available to you to help wit the costs of their care.

Sorry not to be able to be more help, but sending every good wish to you all.

I m guessing this is a US poster not that it makes any difference except the help that can be expected may be different
Would your step daughter not take the children and leave him either going to a refuge or to you 7 hours away as his actions are brutally abusive, even if he hasn’t used physical violence so far, although you don’t know that for sure, and emotional and threatening abuse is every bit as bad and she and the children will be badly affected if they don’t get away
How is your wife treated when she is there?
This can’t continue with a drunken bully for a father they have to get out with your help

Emotional abuse is as concerning as physical abuse and should be stopped as soon as possible. I worked as a Senior Nurse for Children Protection for many years so I know just how damaging it can be. Please refer your grandchildren to Social Care (previously known as Social Services) before there is more damage. You can do this via the NSPCC website anonymously or directly to SC, again anonymously if you wish. If the children need to be removed Social Workers will always look to place them with family first providing you haven’t known about the abuse for any length of time and ignored it by not reporting it. If it drags on you could be seen as colluding with them. You are dreading about dealing with the drinking.....just think how those poor innocent children feel. We all have a duty to protect children and it’s something we all must do.

Hi I believe you are in the US from some of the words you use, so the laws and services will be different from those in the U.K. however I know that there will be a form of social services and I think you referred to it in your post as CPS? I think if you have real worries about the conditions and emotional/ physical safety of the children you really should contact them especially as it sounds as if your step daughter is unable/unwilling to leave him or report him herself? She is a victim of domestic abuse!
You cannot realistically continue the current arrangement and to be honest even with one of you there 24/7 you cannot watch over each of the children every minute of the day.
Research has shown that children exposed to domestic abuse are themselves traumatised and likely to suffer mental health problems. This situation will harm the kids if left unchecked.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news!

Can you let us know where you live, is it the UK? If it isn’t then the advice is very different and you would be as well to get advice from a forum in the country you live.

I'm in the US

The info may be different but the abuse is the same your step daughter the four children and your wife need to get out of this situation as soon as they can they are being held hostage by this alcoholic man and it is dangerous for them all

I think you should bring the children back while he is asleep/ unconscious, even if your daughter won’t leave him. At least get them away from this dangerous man. You can work out the long term arrangements later.

This man is dangerous and the children need to be taken to a place of safety-can you do that? This is child abuse both physically and mentally. I am in the U.K. so I would alert social services or even the police. Please, just get them away from him as quickly as possible. A violent drunk is unpredictable and they are in danger.

Thank you all for your quick and insightful reply's.

I do believe I'll have to anonymously report the abuse that's going on, my wife is too afraid of what the courts will do with her granddaughters but I'm too afraid of what's going to happen to the kids if someone doesn't hurry up and report him.

My step daughter is totally controlled by him, whenever she tells him to stop harassing the kids he tells her to STFU and then they argue like cats and dogs right in front of the kids. I guess she fails to see the emotional abuse that he's doing to these 4 little girls, we can't say much of anything to her because she runs and tells him everything. He keeps tabs on her all the time and basically interrogates her on everything, is always demeaning her (name calling) I don't know how she can stand to be with him!!

It really is an awful situation, I've never seen anything like it in my entire life.

Rocky55

In Britain it is possible to get a court order banning the father from the house and/or going within a fixed distance of the family home.

Is there a law like that in the state your step daughter and children lives in? It might be better for her and her children if they could stay in the family home and keep their local networks, children staying at school etc and for the person causing the trouble to be removed from the home.

You mention that your wife is worried that if you consult social services (CPS?) you may never see the children again. I am not sure how CPS works but in the UK social services would be concerned to remove the father rather than break up the family - especially when they have family support. If a court order banning the father is possible, you may need to consult CPS depending on local law.

Is it possible for your step daughter to consult an attorney who deals with family law to find out what her position would be if she tried to evict him from the family home.

You have all my sympathy in this terrible situation.

Rocky, the only people that matter at the moment are those poor children. This man is a total dangerous bully and these children should be taken out of that environment ASAP. I am a children’s nurse and I have worked with many children that have suffered in this way through violent parenting. It can affect them for life. Please do what you can to get them away and into a place of safety.

My Step daughter would kill me if she knew I had reported him, she should have kicked him out of the house a long time ago but she never will until its too late.

To this day she will kiss his butt even after he's reamed her out about the house not being clean or anything else he can think of to complain about. She also home schools the children, so that he can control that too.

The other day I sent the girls a present, a soccer net, he had promised the girls one last year but did nothing. When it showed up at the house he questioned my step daughter about how much that cost and where did she get it. When he found out I purchased it he backed off but the following week he went and bought the girls a kick ball, he gets very jealous whenever we buy stuff for the kids. I think he's insane!!

Rocky55

Boosgran,

Your right, he's a bully, he bully's everyone, its how he gets what he wants. He also knows how to turn on the charm to fool people, he lies and exaggerates about everything too.

I've tried talking to him about his drinking but it does no good, he lies, says he's going to quit but you already know the second he says it that he has no intention of quitting. He has no self control, is always irritated and angry unless he's drunk, then he's happy but like most drunks he gets mean.

I know I have to report him, I'm glad I posted here, you've all given me the push I was looking for to do so!!

Thank You all,
Rocky55

You are welcome Rocky. Please let us know how it turns out. We all have a duty to keep children safe and free from harm. This man sounds horrendous.

Please keep yourself and your wife safe too Rocky as it sounds as if your step-daughter may feel so intimidated that she will turn on you if he is reported.

This man has a mental problem called Narcissism and I'm sorry to say I have encountered a person like this in my own family. Oh, so charming when he's talking to officials and judges but a demon as soon as he encounters people weaker than himself.

I would suggest you find out where the nearest Women's refuge center is (to you or your step daughter) as they have a policy of helping women and children just like yours. They protect and advise and usually their locations are secret.
There are over 2,500 such places in the USA so sure to have one in your State. www.domesticshelters.org/help#?page=1

I do hope you can help this lovely family. Good luck.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissism

bradfordlass the refuge idea was my first reaction but if you see rocky’s subsequent posts you will see the step daughter doesn’t sound as if she would want to leave the abusive husband she would kiss his butt even after he has reamed her out . She is so brainwashed by him that she backs him so unfortunately she would not be going to any refuge
At this time there is only the children to save from this abusive monster

So sorry to hear about this situation, Rocky! Your SIL sounds like a abuser, even if it's "only' verbal/emotional abuse. Chances are, the alcohol makes him this way or makes him worse. But it doesn't matter, neither SD (stepdaughter) or your GC should be in that environment. However, since your SD seems to be, basically, enthralled w/ him, I agree that your focus must be on the GC. And I agree their welfare must come first, regardless of whether your DW (dear wife) gets to see them again or not. Hopefully, the authorities will keep them in contact w/ you, no matter where they land. But the most important thing is for the kids to be rescued from this horrendous situation.

Verbal/emotional abuse can be hard to prove, of course. But, IMO, it's worth trying for your GC's sake. Glad you're going to make that report

Yes, BlueBelle I did see that 2nd post but thought it worth mentioning.
You never know, if she ever does get sick of kow-towing, she might just remember there is somewhere else to go other than her parents.
It's not going to get any better, that's for sure and if he injures one of the children, god forbid, she may come to her senses.
My heart breaks for those children and Mr & Mrs Rocky.

So sorry Rocky that's a terrible situation to be in.
The welfare of the children comes before all else and they should not be left with this abusive man. You are right in your decision to tell the authorities despite the fact it will upset your wife and step daughter. For evil to triumph it is only necessary for good men to do nothing - to paraphrase.

bradfordlass

Thanks for the info, there are shelters here for battered women but my step daughter would never take herself and the kids to one. She knows that herself and the kids are always welcome here with us but things would have to get a lot worst for her to consider leaving him.

They've never brought the kids here, we always have to drive 7 hours to where they live.

Please contact the authorities, surely they can guarantee your anonymity?
If they find about this abuse from another source you and your wife will be questioned as to why, witnessing this cruelty for months neither of you acted on it to protect the children.
Forget about dealing with the drunk and your stepdaughter, they have chosen their path in life. Your grandchildren have no choice.
Go with your gut feeling and do what you know is right.

Starlady

Your correct, most of his abuse is verbal abuse along with all the yelling, cursing, and complaining. You can see how its affecting these girls, he's a large intimidating man, I can only imagine the nightmares the girls must have about him, he really is a monster to them.

Again your right about his drinking, yes its the only that seems to make him happy but it also makes him mean and crazy. He gets so drunk that he's falling down, slurring his words, repeating himself over and over, and then he can't remember what he's said or done and every other word is a curse word.

I don't know how my step daughter can to be with him, he treats her like garbage most of the time. Sometimes I think love is a disease more than anything else!

thanks for your reply and insight,
Rocky55

Sparkly

I can report them anonymously and that's the only way I will do it, if they knew one of us reported them we'd never see them or the kids again. I would rather tell him face to face that if he keeps this crap up I'm going to report him but I'm afraid that would be a big mistake.

What scares me the most is his drinking, its gotten way out of hand. there's no telling what he might do when he's drunk.

thanks for your reply and concerns,
Rocky