Darling GS

Now then @GagaJo, as most of you are aware, I am BLIND and so, therefore, I must use assistive technology in order to use the computer. Whenever we open Gransnet there is the `Privacy Warning` thing. We all have rows with folk especially our family but honestly love you're NOT going to solve it by letting every Tom, Dick or Harry know about it.
You said shes packing her bags etc. but think about it lass, it sounds like an `empty threat` as you say "(nowhere to go though)" Think about it if she did `do one` Where would she find another `Built-in babysitter`, if the little fella is as close to YOU as you obviously are to him HE WILL LET HIS MUM KNOW HOW MUCH HE MISSES HER.
I suggest sit down(arguing is easier that way - less stress) have a brew (declare a cease-fire) remind her that she has got more important things to do than snipe at you and for god's sake keep it between you and her.
I've read through ALL the comments on here, hey there's always gonna be someone who says, "Oh that happened to me" or "I have the same problem" take no notice lass THIS IS YOUR PROBLEM you solve it, what did folk do in the days before t'internet?

The fundamental issue of denying you access to your grandson does not only affect you - your daughter should also consider how much emotional damage she is doing to her little boy who will have no understanding of why his beloved gran is not seeing him anymore. It will have huge separation anxieties for you all, but particularly him. Whatever the disagreement was about, your daughter must surely see that it is not worth causing long lasting distress and damage

It's YOUR house, YOUR rules.
Don't let her hold you to ransom because of your grandson.

SHE is the one who needs to apologise to you. I suggest you help her find somewhere else to live.

I haven’t read all the comments. I sympathise with your situations. My mother and I don’t get along. Sadly I don’t have any children.
I did, however, have a niece, 16 years younger than me, living with my husband and I.
One of the things I did was to not have any expectations. I didn’t expect her to do any chores so it was a great thing, and praiseworthy, when she did.
There were two major disagreements where I was placed in an awful position between hubby and niece. We managed to work it out and, from her reactions, she resolved a lot of emotional issues whilst with us.
She has, since, moved on and got married but holds us dear to her heart.
All you can really do is show your love and create loving memories. When they leave your house that love and memories will go with them. Keep contact even if it might become a little one sided. I feel sure it will pay off.
I wish you the very best. Xx

I guess you don't go into too much detail why you don't get on.
But as you are bailing her out, surely she should be a little bit grateful? I mean it sounds like its rent free, Bill free.
That's your home and you can't chill in the living room. Sorry none of this makes sense. You are tip toeing arround your daughter, working hard and scared that in the future you won't see your GS although you are working abroad next year and won't see him anyway.
Surely at this rate you might as well give her the house.
You know what you should have let her go after the row,there is temporary accommodation but I'm sure she would have come back home grovelling.
Stop using GS as an excuse, GPS do have rights. Sit down and have a serious chat with your daughter and gain a bit of control back, discuss rules because what makes you think she'll be leaving any time soon!!

I would hazard a guess that as well as PMT, your daughter may also be suffering from depression.
It is hard when you feel as if you have been cornered into a life you never planned for yourself. As much as she loves her son, she may feel that her whole life revolves around him and there is little left for her. I know from experience.
It isn't your fault that she is like she is. Blaming someone else is so easy to do when you can't see any way out or any way that your life can change.
The hours that you are working I would guess means that she is on her own for most of that time - you don't say that she has a job herself, or how old your GS is but when you return from overseas, it might be an idea to sit down with her and work out a sort of shift system around your GS so possibly your daughter can work while you are at home with him? It might boost her self esteem and help things all round.
Oh, and make sure that if she does have a lodger while you are away that they sign an agreement or you may well find you are stuck with an unwelcome "guest" that you can't get rid of !

It does sound as though PMT could be a major cause of your arguments. Has your daughter done anything about that? My mother suffered from PMT and had a short fuse when having periods. Her GP kept telling her it was the menopause (she was 40 at the time) but it turned out that she needed a hysterectomy. This was over 40 years ago so things may be different now.

My OH became aware that I would argue black was white when suffering from PMT but I wasn't really aware of it.

Oh dear, reading your post and it's like De ja vu,! Had the same problem, nearly three years with us which was lovely for us as we got to see the boys, take them out, read them stories, play, watch them grow. It was hard as our daughter has bipolar and her dad had to get in between us more times than I can remember. Eventually she met a new man, they are married and the boys love him and he them, my point is we, my daughter and me now get on like best friends and proper mummy and daughter. Take heart and have faith,call will be well.

Thank you Bluebelle. The poem is beautiful and I have recommended it to my FB family and friends. You must have a lovely relationship with your daughter.

When I tried to hard to help, to solve, to make everything better my very wise daughter sent me this poem I would like to share it with you It was my wake up call I m sure I didn’t get it all right after I read it but it made sense
Please Listen: A Poem
By: Leo Buscaglia
When I ask you to listen to me
and you start giving me advice,
You have not done what I asked.
When I ask you to listen to me
and you begin to tell me why
I shouldn’t feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me
and you feel you have to do something
to solve my problem,
you have failed me,
strange as that may seem.
Listen! All I ask is that you listen.
Don’t talk or do – just hear me…
And I can do for myself; I am not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering,
but not helpless.
When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself,
you contribute to my fear and
Inadequacy.
But when you accept as a simple fact
That I feel what I feel,
No matter how irrational,
Then I can stop trying to convince
You and get about this business
Of understanding what’s behind
This irrational feeling.
And when that’s clear, the answers are obvious and I don’t need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when
we understand what’s behind them.
So please listen, and just hear me.
And if you want to talk, wait a minute
for your turn– and I will listen to you.

Good luck x

Hahaha, not at all. I'm only a teacher. But I THINK the temporary job is a good one. I HOPE it is.

Gagajo thank you so much for not taking my post as unwanted criticism I so understand the whole situation it’s no bodies fault but I think whilst it ll be a huge wrench the time away may be the best way forward You will obviously keep in touch with them regularly and swallow your aching heart for your grandson How old is he by the way ?
Although you really (sometimes) don’t like your daughters behaviour try and make her every bit as important as your little chap. Ask after her first when you ring, talk about stuff you know you can agree on tell her you’re missing her “even though we have our ups and downs” ? in other words let her feel you trust that she can and will manage
Can your daughter work she must feel so so useless, her self esteem must be rock bottom and who do we hurt when we feel bad about ourselves ....those closest to us, in your case her safe old Mum
Good luck with your job it sounds very important

Hopefully, gagajo.
I'm sure it'll do you good.

MissAdventure, due to a complex set of circumstances, she gets very little benefit. It isn't possible for it to be increased. So as BlueBell said, she really is stuck. Even the small amount she gets wouldn't have paid utilities on a small flat.

I don't know what the future holds. But the current situation doesn't work so maybe my not being here for 6 months will help us think of solutions.

BlueBelle, I'm not insulted at all, you've hit the nail on the head with a lot of what you said.

I'm actually away for 6 months (this time) and then have a 2nd, hopefully long-term overseas job for the next academic year, so if she doesn't want to be around me, she can chose to stay in the UK.

Although I'll miss him while I'm away or IF we now live on different continents permanently, ultimately, I want what is best for him. So if my stepping out of the picture for most of the time is best, I'll do it.

I think me being the 2nd parent has been a double edged sword for her. She wants it, because otherwise she gets no help, has no break at all from him. But equally, you're right, she resents it. I have stepped back a bit in the past, but then... she's back to having no break from him.

Is there a reason your daughter couldn't afford to live independently?

She would be able to claim as a single parent, and would get the same as others do, and they manage.

Lots pay 'top up' on top of the rent, so she would be better off than many.

Sorry missed half of my post off

You say you go to bed after your grandson has gone to bed everything evolves around him and of course that hurts and puts her well down the importance scale Why not go to bed and let mum and son have time together Do you put him to bed read him a story etc etc ? Or does your daughter ?
Does she work, if not why not?
I think the month away is maybe your saving grace and will be helpful in your relationship for her to be HIS MUM without your help for a month
Of course she’s not looking after your home she’s making a point which is ....it’s not mine, we re only here because of your grandson, you don’t love me you just put up with me for his sake
This is all totally unfair as you ve been a good mum and trying your hardest to help get her on her feet but that’s not how it feels to her
Can you understand that?
Please don’t see this as criticism I could so easily have fell into the same trap when my daughter and grandkids came to live with me for a while I unwittingly tried to be the other parent a role I just fell into without thinking as I loved them all and wanted to help so much, luckily my daughter was very able to put me right and I understood how she felt and stepped back unless wanted Can you do that, I think you do need to

One thing worries me you say you’ve been the other parent but you’re NOT and can you not realise how much this must have undermined your daughter ? Please don’t think I m being hard it’s so easy to drop into that role but your daughter must feel very very unimportant and out of control
You own the roof over their heads, you earn the keep, you look after her and her son, (perhaps better than her) she is resentful that you control her life and through poor circumstances she’s right, you do control her life, and although she needs you she resents needing you

Personally I think you have bent over backwards to help your daughter and she sounds totally ungrateful.

You have bought her a flat? So she does have somewhere to go? Does she have a job? She should be able to manage without rent surely? Even on benefits?

Why sell your house? She has the flat? Instead of thinking of giving up your home and giving her money perhaps you could help her out a little with say the gas bill?

I know you are worried about losing your grandson but do you think she could actually cope cutting you out? She doesn’t sound like she has the first idea about coping alone.

As for the arguments- only you know if you can be more reasonable or tolerant. If my daughter was disrespecting my home and not making any effort to keep it tidy/clean there would be more than arguments!

I hope it all works out for you. Perhaps do nothing until June? Then you can decide. Preferably encourage your daughter to stand on her own feet in a mutually acceptable way?

Even if you had all the rights in the world, going to court is not the right route, it does so much harm to the child - as I know from experience.

I hope the 6 month break will give you a bit of thinking time and you are both able to see things with calmer eyes.

There's good medication, including natural remedies for PMT, no one has to suffer the evil gremlin days, least of all the little boy.
And there's counselling.
The closer we are to a person, emoitonally and physically, the easier it is to become irritated. This applies to all relationships

Learning how to communicate effectively can solve problems. Plus being aware that "mama is always wrong" .

See if you can get hold of a copy of - Daughters and Mothers: Making It Work, by Julie Firman, it's an excellent book and may give you some insights while you're away.

Glad you found a well-paid job.

GPs do not have rights in the UK.

Children have rights.

Grandparents do have rights, check it out with citizens advice. Best wishes

I've always read that it is nigh on impossible for grandparents to get any rights.

I apologised several times. She had SAID it was what she wanted but then when I did, she still wasn't happy. She did have PMT at the time.

I bought a flat about 5 miles away for her and the GS (sounds a lot better than it is) but she couldn't afford to live in it even with no rent/mortgage. I guess eventually I may have to sell my house and split the proceeds to get somewhere small for each of us. It is VERY hard for single parents these days.

I thought I read that if you have been involved in the child's upbringing then the rules are different.
So if you have been his other parent then you may have more rights than you think.

You can easily find out It is somewhere on the internet. Or another Gran might know of course.

Otherwise is there anyway you can help her to live near by but under in a separate building.
I couldn't live with my daughter. We are too strong minded though in different ways.

Or say sorry and point out you are going away fairly soon.