Feeling more Helpless

What does your heart tell you?
I'd send a gift for the wee one, card to the adults.
If the gift comes back then sadly you will know where you stand.
Sometimes we just cannot make everything right, I'd make the gesture to the wee one.
So sorry nothing has improved. x

Horrid situation. Yes, go with your heart but I agree and think a gift for the little one only. They may accept things for their child that they would reject for themselves. If this year a gift were accepted for the child it's a step forward. If not you have tried. So sorry you are in this painful place. Enjoy your a Christmas away.

Sending a gift to someone who has let you know that they do not enjoy hearing from you is not a kindness, in a way its quite the opposite.

Sending just to the child will give you the best chance of it being well met all round, it may show that you are appreciating that the adult wants distance from you and may build a working relationship with regards contact to the child?.

I would send a gift for the GGC and maybe a cheque for GS and partner. That way you know whether it is cashed. I would see this as a way to offer an olive branch and try and keep a path of communication open. Young men find it hard to climb down but it may offer him a chance. Maybe a chatt letter as well giving some of your news. Do hope things improve.

I agree with notanan.
Although I don't remember your previous thread, it's obvious your GS feels he has good reason not to want contact with you. Sending money at this point could be seen as a sort of bribe, or at the least as pretence of a relationship that isn't there.

I'd send a gift to the child, although it may not be given to her to avoid talk of who gave it.

You could start a building society account in the child's name and put some money in it

I would go with the building society account for the child. Build up a little nest egg that can be seen when the child is old enough to make its own decisions. As for the adults, is there a charity or organisation that is close to them, could you make a donation to that, send the receipt. You know you've tried and they know you haven't just dropped them. And they can't return it.

What a difficult predicament. Perhaps you should do as your son says ..... And resist sending any gifts

Perhaps just a cheery 'to the family' card with a loving message

Christmas presents aren't a necessity for any of us. Try to stop fretting over this .... So many families have in-fights and Christmas seems to bring out the worst in some people

Your gifts haven't been accepted in the spirit if Christmas .... Quite the opposite .... So send nothing this year. Just wondering, do they send a thank you card for your previous gifts to your Ggd

Your sons are right .... Go away and have a relaxing Christmas etc.
Wishing you all the best ...,

You can't open a building society account for a child without their birth certificate now. I would buy a small gift and keep it, do it every year until one day you may see her and show her that you always thought about her, no matter what

Start accounts and put the same money for each child into the account. Send cards to all.

If cards come back, respect their wishes. Keep accounts going.

Stop trying to make it come right, what is right for you may not be right for them, for some reason that you may never understand.

Enjoy your holiday.

How about a charity gift from someone like Oxfam or www.actionaid.org
Water purification tablets or mosquito nets?
Literacy classes?

They can't refuse that. You do not even need to tell them that you have done it, but it might just make you feel better.

I agree with notanan. I find it a bit manipulative and passive aggressive to get gifts from people I don't get on with. It puts the recipient in a no win situation. Send a card but don't do it for any reason other than you send cards to people you know.

How sad for you op.
You are not able to open an account in ggd name as previous poster has said but you can open an account to put money in. Or buy some bonds for ggd?
I don't remember your previous post but it sounds like your gs has made his stubborn mind up. I don't know if he'll budge. His father suggests you leave well alone, are you able to?
Maybe there is a chance he'll come round in time? We have a stubborn streak in our family too & we don't relent until we're ready to.
Send a card, for you & your peace of mind.
Have a great trip away ?

I feel really sorry for the situation you find yourself in but one day your grandchildren will be old enough to ask why they can't see their nana and may decide to try to have contact with you,so many people have been in your situation usually because of divorce but in the end the children will make their own mind about the situation and things may work out after all,
At the moment you are causing yourself stress,all things pass and all will be well!????????

Open a savings account, put in the gift money and either give it to the child when they are old enough to make their own mind up or leave the contents to them in your will with an explanation

On a similar theme, am I alone in being fed-up that i never get a thank-you note from anyone these days? It is so easy just to send a quick e-mail. I'm considering not sending any gifts to any children and teenagers this year as I never get a thank you from them, only from their parents or grand-parents.They are all old enough now to be able to send a quick note even if it only says Thank you!

I had to go back and read the August thread. What a mess, your grandson has really thrown the baby out with the bathwater. So he is angry with his dad (your son) about his dad and mum's divorce. He has now decided to blame you for being his dad's mother and father.

Hello? This GS is toxic. He obviously does not want anything from his dad or from his grandparents and made that pretty clear. Even your son wants you to let it go.

As others have suggested, put something aside each year in case your GGS someday wants to know you...and will find out that you did care. I have a feeling that anything you send for him will be returned, or even if kept...GGS may never know it came from you.

Am I cynical? Yes, but even when my niece and nephews were angry with the re-marriage of their dad, they did not stop speaking to him, even when they did not like new step-mum for many years. And they certainly did not break ties with my parents (their grandparents).

GS is only 24. Maybe he will mature some day, maybe he won't, maybe he will realise his way is wrong, maybe he won't. Maybe he will just show up one day all contrite, maybe he won't. But he seems to want his space from his parents AND grandparents, so I'd give it to him. Things might change some day, but that will have to come in its own time. Go and live your lives and hope for the best for them.

Enjoy YOUR holiday... your son must be upset about all of this, but it sounds like he's the only one in that family that seems to care about your feelings.

Chrishappy is right, my DM opened a Building Society Account for my DGS but this could only be done when DD went to visit her on Holiday ( DD & myself live in Devon & DM is in Yorkshire).

It may be possible to open a Building Society Account in your name with a condition in your Will that the Account is to be passed to your GGS, or you may be able to set up an Account with Trustees with your Solicitors - I would seek advice. Good luck

I had opened an account for my GS when he was a baby. When he was 16yrs I got a letter from NatWest to say the interest on his account was going to halve. So I moved his account to Nationwide Building Society where he would get a better deal. I told them I did not want 16yr old grandson to be able to access the account until he was 18 yrs and hopefully going to Uni. They said he would have to know about it because he was now 16yrs and had to sign the form! So much for keeping the present secret. So, to cut a long story short, you can open an account for GChildren, and you will be in control of it until they are 16yrs old. Then they will be told about it because they are adults. Well it is just a suggestion for you. Save the money yourself, manage it yourself, then when they come knocking on your door you can give it to them yourself. In the meantime it can sit in the bank/building society making interest for them.

I feel so sad that you are unable to have a relationship with your GS. No-one seems to realise what a wrench it is for the Grandparents when they divorce. When the children are 16yrs they will be able to chose whether they can see you or not. Hang on and they might come knocking at your door.

Buy a gift, wrap it, send a card and say it is waiting for him. Set up a Facebook page, write about your life, about him what you've bought him, missing him etc ...one day in years to come he may have an FB page ..this will be a clear record that you care

I know that it would not be the same as giving to your own family, but have you thought about when they do the collections for Christmas in the supermarkets for a charity where children do not receive a present from anyone else?

If your GS does not want you to contact him and he has sent money given to him by you back in the past, then I cannot see him being ok with you sending anything again.

But to make your Christmas feel a little better, then maybe give to a child who has no one to send it a gift? That way, you would feel a warmth from still giving, the child would receive a loving gift and your GS would learn that you are not bending over backwards to be ok with him. I would send the family a card and leave it at that. And with your husband having been unwell, I would concentrate on him and yourself and go away and put your feet up for a well deserved rest.

If your GS can't sort this rift out before Christmas, then he doesn't deserve the head space it is taking up for you to worry about it.

I personally have an ED, this will be my third Christmas of not seeing my grandsons. I will make no attempt to do so. Instead I am doing a charity Christmas. I will take my doggie and go to the PDSA, who treated her broken leg a few years ago, and make a donation to them. I will also give a gift to a child/ren I don't know, through a charity. That way, I still get to buy children presents and have the feeling that someone somewhere is happy that I exist. Unlike my ED, who couldn't care less if I am here or not.
Sometimes we have to move on and just do the best we can with a bad situation. But I refuse to have it spoil my Christmas from now on, I worked hard for many years to make my children's Christmases perfect, they wanted for nothing. I deserve now to have my Christmas my way, free from sadness.

(My ED didn't even get in touch or send an e mail when I lost my dad this year.)

I've just looked up and Samaritans Purse do a collection of shoe boxes filled with children's gifts to be sent all over the world at Christmas. I might do this one, it looks really good and I can get to the drop off point. X

Shoe box appeals are quite controversial, a lot of people boycott them. If it's an idea you've just stumbled upon do a wee bit of research as there's lots of strong opinions on them

If you know all about them and the concerns and are happy to do it anyway then as you were, just saying incase you didn't know they were contentious!

Food banks usually also take gifts as do shelters

John Lewis does a gift list where you can chose gifts for for one of the charities coming up to christmas - we do this every year, each of our children choses a gift for another child their age

that way it's something the charity knows is needed IYKWIM