Unwanted grandparents

It sounds as though things have been very hard for you beachcomer. Perhaps your DIL is one of those people who doesn't know how to cope with any form of mental health problem and has withdrawn from you because of it. Don't lose heart. I know it is hard but your DGD will get older and recognise you more as time goes on. Keep taking baby steps and try not to blame yourself for something which is totally out of your control. It doesn't sound as though you have lost your son. He is just trying to explain why your DIL is behaving as she is. Four times a year does not sound like much but better to build on that gradually. I do wish you the best and hope the situation improves with time.

I would speak to your DS again. I wonder if he said to his DW “he was accustomed to you ignoring him throughout his childhood.” Without explaining clearly that it was due to your illness and you could not help it. She possibly felt annoyed at you and is punishing you for something that is no fault of your own.

Take heart,there are lots of us on here in the same situation.
We have seen 3of our grandchildren only 3 times since Christmas. The 2 year old does not recognise us and cries and we all live in the same town.Our DiL sounds similar to yours.Keep persisting slowly as the doors are obviously not entirely closed.

Sorry but if your DIL is treating you this way because you've been ill then she's a number one selfish bitch.

I'm sorry to hear about your problems Beachcomber unfortunately mental illness is still misunderstood and many people are wary of sufferers. You can only give it time and try to explain how you feel when you are ill or get your family to do this.
You are still having contact so try to build slowly on that but don't lose sight of your own life in the process. Get out and enjoy yourselves with other activities, stay healthy.

I can't help wondering if your dil really understands that you have an illness. I've known of many people who hear medical terms but don't have any understanding of what the term means, and end up coming to wrong conclusions . If your son told her that you have ( for instance) depression, she might think that you are just having a few dad days. She might then have totally misunderstood your absence from their lives for five months. Have you ever discussed with your son and his wife, exactly what happens to you when you are ill ? Even your son might have misunderstandings about it. Just a thought. Maybe if you spoke frankly to them, about how your illness affects you, they might understand why you stayed away from them.

All you can do is continue with the 'baby steps' approach, and try not to worry about the other grandparents, and how often they see your grandchild.
You have been ill, the other grandmother hasn't, so she will have seen more of the child.

Forgive me asking but are you completely recovered? Are you putting a more negative slant on this than necessary? It may be that this young family are just busy living their lives and aren't thinking much beyond the day to day of their usual routine. They could have stresses and strains of their own. You dipped out of their lives and its maybe harder to re insert yourself. You are still in touch. Progress can still be made. Don't lose heart or overthink the situation.

You say that you started to notice a bit of a change of attitude to you both before you were ill so I think the unfortunate fact that you have been ill is being used as an excuse.
Form reading lots of the posts (various topics) on GN it sounds as if many young women are just full of themselves and think they should rule the roost etc, maybe something in their upbringing - being made to feel they were extra extra special - I think that Varian is right with her comment.
I hope that you are feeling better now and that things do gradually improve.

She probably thinks it is 'catching' and is also afraid her DD may inherit it. She also probably doesn't understand that, like physical illnesses, mental illness can be episodic so she is afraid to have her near her child in case you have a funny turn. Possibly her mother encourages this attitude because she too is has archaic ideas about mental illness.

I am not defending these views, just listing them.

Well whatever happens you are not going to have the relationship that you had hoped, but any relationship is a 2-way process and it is clear that your DiL does not want or need this in her life. You don't have any option but to fall in an not mull over who sees who and for how long. Just relax an enjoy the interaction that you have.

I am sorry you have been so ill and have had a long journey back to being yourself. Unfortunately your DIL seems not able to understand what you have been through after all she is saying you have ignored her when actually she has ignored you while you have been ill, some people who have no experience of mental problems do find it frightening. I suspect partly what has happened is that your GD has gone off to nursery and the other grandparents and possibly your DIL back to work this changes things from when she was a baby and often visits and get togethers do slow down a bit as everyone is genuinely more busy. Keep in touch with your DS and hopefully things will improve for you.

My antennae are twitching at your son's reaction to all of this and his comment to DIL that you "ignored him" growing up.

I suspect there is a real possibility he has painted a bleak picture of his childhood and your health during his childhood to DIL and she is reacting to that.

There is an unpleasant tendency for some adult children to use their spouses as meat shields when the AC themselves have the issues with their parents.

He seems oddly supine and willing to go along as things are in the face of your distress.

I suspect DIL has been given a version of events different from the one you would have given her.

It's easy when our own mental health is in a fragile state to believe that everyone else is healthy and robust and can cope with things.
Be kind and think that if this is her first experience of your illness she may be feeling confused and rejected by you. Sad that the relationship she thought she had with you just disappeared. And protective of her child whose granny suddenly didn't want anything to do with her.
Are you well enough to meet up with your DIL and try to explain what happens when you are ill, acknowledge the impact it will have had on her feelings, and talk about how you would both like things to be now you are better.
I can't think that using two men as gobetweens is a good idea when it comes to talking about feelings ?

Those who have not suffered from mental illness quite often see it as selfish and self inflicted. If that is how she feels you cannot do much to change her.

There is a strong possibility that your son has opened up to her about the effect your illness had on him . She maybe trying to protect her own children from bouts of being ignored. It is very hard to explain to the Grandchildren why Grandma disappears from their life.

I don’t think this is really about the number of times you visit. I am very close to my GC but have only seen them twice this year. It is about the quality of the visit. Here you are in a no-win situation. A happy visit will make it harder for the children if you disappear again. I think you just have to show a lot of understanding here and try to look at the bigger picture.

BeachComber31 firstly congratulations on being able to talk about your mental health difficulties so openly. I just wanted to say that your son may still be suffering the effects of your illness even as an adult. This isn't your fault but he may be seeking to protect his own family from similar damage. Your DIL may simply be doing the same. Your son might benefit from some counselling. You could also try writing to them and acknowledging the damage your illness may have caused, making them a list of things you will try to do to make sure their family is protected. I do think you should stop looking at how much time your GD has with other family members, accept that your time will be shorter and gradually build up trust. It may take years.

My GP told me of cultures where, even these days, mental illness is considered a stigma and something to be ashamed of. Is it possible your DiL comes from such a culture?

Of course VQ may well be right, there is a lot of it about. I have one such.

Thank you to everyone for reading and replying to my post.
As I am unlikely to ever be free of my mental health problems, I have had numerous episodes throughout my adult life, I will be unable to provide the relationship my DIL and GD deserve.
Rather than build a relationship which will inevitably fail I choose to step back and encourage my husband to continue with rebuilding and be a grandad who is always present.
I have taken on board your comments and realise that I have deeply hurt my DIL and I cannot guarantee that it will not happen again.
Thank you for your comments

Life doesn't come with any guarantees.
I'm sure your grandchildren's lives will be enriched by having a gran who loves them, despite health problems.

i too have had many episodes of illness but I am lucky that i my daughter has my only grandchild and i,m not "an in-law". My daughter has not held my ill health against me and i can see my GD when i like (2.5 hours drive but i dont care) I am so sorry that this is happening and i really hope your DIL stops being such a cow ( lets be honest here) as i bet you are a wonderful nanna xx

Beachcomber I am so sorry that you’ve been made to feel guilty when it is not your fault that you have been ill.
I can only hope that your DIL grows up and realises what she and your GC are missing.?