Grandson (12) stealing something from my bag then lying about it

I'd let it go. You are probably right that he ate it but I think it's best left well alone.

Stop the handbag game. Give them the chocolate when you arrive or hang on to your bag.

And cook the steak

I agree.

I agree. It's probably better to leave it.

He knows you know and that might well be enough to stop him doing anything like that again.

But don't be afraid to say something to him if you do catch him out again. Tell his parents if the behaviour escalates.

I think tell them. They are the parents so need the "bigger picture"

The main thing is to keep temptation out of his way, as Oopsminty says.
On the few occasions something like that has happened in our family, if you're fairly sure, I think it's best just to state that you know it was him. Don't give him an opportunity to lie by asking "Was it you?"
Sounds as if he's a chocoholic!

I would go ahead with the steak meal.
You are seeking to help him Change his behaviour so better to chat over the steak on the lines of ‘ I.m so glad we got that out in the open , & that we can trust each other to talk about things that are troubling us etc
He needs to have confidence in you that he can admit if he has erred in anyway knowing that you still love him but will tell him the truth, & point out his errors & be there to help him & understand why he is behaving this way. He needs your love & honesty & your boundaries best wishes.

Let it go on this occasion and don’t tease the children that way.

“Thou shalt not tempt”

Oh God! Don't pile a load of guilt on him for that! Why didn't you just call him a little bugger and tell him no choc for him next time? And then forget about it when next time comes around.

I always take choccie for my two. If I catch one sneaking a bit of the other one's they get yelled at.

Why didn't you give the choc to them straight after lunch?

Definitely give him his steak dinner.

If I was in your place, I would cook the steak because I feel consequences should attach to the infraction and not pop up elsewhere. I'd also drop the subject of the chocolate, as was promised, but not bring any the next time I visited. Then, if the kids asked about it, I'd nonchalantly mention (without not focusing my gaze on anyone in particular) that I wouldn't be bringing any for a time because I was a bit sad that some had been taken from your my purse during the previous visit.

No-one goes in my handbag, not even DH. He says there's a crocodile in there.

I agree with Bridgeit and other posters.
I think it's best dealt with between the two of you.
And cook him his steak

But perhaps no chocolate on Saturday; if he asks why tell him he had double doses already.

I would cook the steak. I'd forget about the chocolate. It might be a good idea to start treating him a bit differently to his younger siblings-so perhaps give him the chocolate when you arrive and say "It's up to you when you eat it, I'm saving the others till such a time." He's at the age when he wants control of something and giving him some choices might help. I wouldn't tell his parents, but I would tell him that you aren't going to tell anyone this time but you might have to if it happened again. He does need to know that although he is older you all still love him. Older children sometimes think they don't have the charm of their younger siblings.

told him that we would not mention it again. - I think you need to honour that - or you too will have told a lie!!

'well I might have done, we shall have to see, later'. I am going to be really blunt here - I hate and detest that sort of teasing of children. It is just a power trip. So - if you ask me, I rather think you asked for the subsequent problem.

I know that many will not agree with me here, but I think we should always be absolutely straight with children and not play these psychological games. I would have said: "Yes, I do have a chocolate for you - shall we look now? I love having a treat for my special GS."

I duck below parapet and wait for flak.

No flack from me Luckygirl.

I always take the chocolate in the bag I take our slippers in, so they don't have to rummage around amongst the snot hankies in my handbag.

I agree with most of the above responses.....
Definitely go ahead with steak meal as promised but NO sweet treats on Saturday.

When next visiting all the children, I don't find it fair to say you aren't bringing chocolate for a while, because of previous behaviours from one of the children. Why should the younger ones be punished for what the older one did?

Thanks so much everyone. It really does help to hear OP's views.

I can learn something from this as well, so yes I'll cook the steak and keep the matter between us for now, as well as removing temptation next time I go. As far as the 'teasing' goes - it's something we've always done...the choc was only not eaten by everyone after supper last night as the tiniest one had eaten at Nursery and come home, had teeth cleaned by Daddy before he went out, so I didnt feel it right to share the choc in front of him.

Anyway, I really do appreciate all your replies and shall mull them over individually and benefit from the collective wisdom that is Gransnet!

Thanks

grandmaz you sound like a lovely thoughtful Grandma. I would cook the steak as normal. Maybe not tell the parents this time. And maybe when you have time alone with him you will get the chance to have a chat about trust etc without mentioning chocolate.
Good luck!

Hand the chocolate out as soon as you arrive at their house. You are teasing them with it which is unfair. They know you have brought some and are probably wondering when you will give it to them. He shouldn't have taken it but hopefully it's a one-off, and he knows you know. Don't tell his parents unless he does it again which seems unlikely. Cook the steak so he knows you still love him, make sure he says thank you for his meal afterwards.

Cook the steak . I wouldn’t mention it to the parents, not this time, I’d still take sweets, but I’d give them to the children as nobody goes in my bag lol

I'd still give him his steak and chips and like others have said, stop the chocolate in your bag thing.
I don't think it would be a bad idea to sit and tell him that you are disappointed in him firstly for taking things from your bag without permission and secondly for lying about it.
Also tell him that you are always there for him to talk to if there are things going on that he doesn't feel he can discuss with his mum and dad.Ask him if there is anything worrying or bothering him at the moment. Sometimes boys, in particular, have had something happen that they can't or won't talk about, and it comes out in a change of behaviour such as this.

Sorry but I disagree with most of the previous posters.
His parents should know.
My nephew behaved the same way when he was younger than your DGS and my mum tried to deal with it herself. It turned into stealing money from his cousins, and my dad. He also threatened my dad with a knife when he realised what he was doing and asked him about the missing money.

Can I just comment that actually I remember about 11 or 12 taking coppers from my mum's purse and sneaking biscuits from the tin (they were about the only sweet thing around). I stopped when I felt happier. It was a time when I had just changed schools and was feeling a bit lost. All children do things like this most of them don't carry on or escalate things.

I would cook him his steak , lavish him with affection and cut the chocolate in handbag game. Take the chocolate out give it to them or hide it somewhere and deliver it to each child after lunch and put handbag out of reach. If he takes something else tell him how hurt and disappointed you are and that he has an important decision to make about who he wants to be and what sort of life he wants. He’s old enough to start thinking about it.