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Grandparenting

About to tell my parents they are going to be grandparents and need some advice

(55 Posts)
newmama Sat 08-Aug-20 02:04:52

Hello! I am not a grandparent but needed to turn somewhere for advice. I am 24, married and 8 weeks pregnant. I have a full time, post college job, and my husband is job hunting as he just finished school. For some reason I am terrified to tell my parents I am pregnant. I think they will be happy, but I am still on their insurance and feel like I’m 16 and telling them the worst possible news. My parents can be a bit judge mental towards others and I’m afraid they won’t be happy since my husband isn’t employed yet, we don’t have our own insurance, and we’re still saving for a house. We are married so I know it’s to be expected but I’m so worried. Reassurance or advice please?

Chewbacca Sat 08-Aug-20 03:52:03

Congratulations! But why do you need insurance?

vegansrock Sat 08-Aug-20 04:25:43

Maybe this is from the US where you have to have medical insurance.

absent Sat 08-Aug-20 04:38:43

Most putative grandparents are pretty thrilled when there is a real pregnancy and the promise of a grandchild. Presumably you live somewhere where there isn't free healthcare and that could be a worry for all your family. I hope all goes well.

ElaineI Sat 08-Aug-20 09:32:06

You are 24 and married so that should go down well with them. I'm not sure I understand about the insurance but it sounds like they include you but what about your husband and does it cover antenatal care and childbirth? Most prospective grandparents are excited at the thought of their first grandchild though I would maybe make a plan with your husband on how you will cope so you can show you have thought about it.

lemongrove Sat 08-Aug-20 10:28:23

So....you are 24 and he is 18? Just finished school? Sounds a little odd.🤔

timetogo2016 Sat 08-Aug-20 10:29:44

They will be delighted i am sure.
I was over the moon when i was told i was going to be a Grandma,and still am with 3 g/sons and 1 g/daughter.
Money should`nt come into the conversation tbh.

Theoddbird Sat 08-Aug-20 10:33:09

Lemongrove... In the USA finishing school means finishing university. This is a post from an America. Hence the insurance.

Coolgran65 Sat 08-Aug-20 10:43:18

I was wondering if op is now married and her husband is next of kin would this negate medical insurance unless the parents had advised the insurance of this. In the UK do adult children have to be resident in the parent’s home.
Just a thought as I know nothing of how it would work in the US.

Congratulations op, everything has a way of working out. .

NotSpaghetti Sat 08-Aug-20 10:53:46

I am assuming you are not living in the UK so school is not so odd as it sounds here.

Firstly, congratulations! A first baby is exciting, scary and a profound experience. I hope you have a very ordinary pregnancy and a straightforward birth. Good luck!

I think I'd definitely wait till you are past the 12 weeks mark before you tell them, and yes, I was married young and had my first at 21. It was very hard telling my parents as like you we had only recently graduated and knew they saw us still as children.

We knew they would be excited about it BUT we felt they would also judge us for being somewhat reckless in taking this step before we were secure financially.

What I would say now is that yes, you are young and don't know where life will lead you, but being young you are adaptable, have plenty of energy and (I hope) love each other and will do whatever it takes to make this work and to give the little one a good life.

Tell your parents, if you found them to be kind and loving, that you have learned from them and know you can do it. If you tell them that you are confident they will worry less and you will slowly begin to believe in yourself too.

Keep saying to yourself that you can do this and have great things to look forward to.

Our reactions as new grandparents are going to vary according to our own lives, our hopes and dreams for our children and their partners. Please believe me though, it would be an unusual grandparent to not have at least a little joy for you! I suspect you feel you are dashing their hopes for you to have an "exciting career".

You can still have a good career but are choosing to do this now.

This post is a bit garbled I'm afraid. It brings back the anxiety around telling my parents (who loved me beyond measure). I do understand where you are coming from.
They will continue to be proud of you, and will surely love your little one too when the time comes.

Good luck.

B9exchange Sat 08-Aug-20 10:55:09

Congratulations, some parents do react with shock at the prospect of a change in their status to 'the older generation' but they do come round. We live in the UK, so no insurance worries, but when, married and aged 25 I rang my mother, her reaction was 'Oh my God, I will have to tell your father!' But once over the shock they were absolutely fine, and adored their grandchildren. (Although I did chicken out of the further news phone calls, leaving it to my husband when the next three were on the way!)

sandelf Sat 08-Aug-20 11:01:42

Will it be a total surprise to them - have you both been saying 'Oh we don't want children for ages yet' etc... Or have you been saying it would be lovely. I'd just say IF you know it will be a complete surprise, hang on for a couple of weeks while you do a bit of chat about the niceness of having little ones, how happy you are for .. say .. your friend who is expecting or has a new baby. So it will not be SUCH a surprise for them. I say this as my daughter was a long time 'Oh I'm not marrying' gal - met a guy and after 6 weeks he basically 'Asked for our daughter's hand' in a really traditional way - Shock - I'm sure we would have handled it more graciously if we'd had an inkling! - All blessings to you.

icanhandthemback Sat 08-Aug-20 11:13:59

My mother responded to my news of pregnancy when I was 23 years old with a, " I hope it's not his," and "Surely you are not thinking about keeping it." Then she didn't talk to me for 3 weeks until she threw some Birthday presents at me, said, "Here, you'll have to get used to having nothing for yourself from now on," and I opened them to find a baby shawl, cuddly toy, etc. My stepfather walked around saying thing like, "You'll never cope," and I was terrified.
By the time I had the baby, they were totally on board and she was the apple of their eye.

Ilovedragonflies Sat 08-Aug-20 11:17:55

My eldest daughter was in similar circumstances to you when she fell for her first baby; both of them were not long out of university. She was highly delighted and so was I. I knew she and her husband would do everything in their power to make life as happy as possible for them all. Hopefully, your parents will be the same (even if you find they are shocked to begin with). Please try not to stress about it- it's very early days as yet. Enjoy what is happening and congratulations to you both!

JCB1 Sat 08-Aug-20 11:21:39

I am new on here so could you please explain all the abbreviations e g DH ie ABIU as I really am not sure who you mean. I understand DIL is daughter in law but cant make some of them out. I'm not an uneducated person I was a lawyer in another life.3😆🤣🤣

kwest Sat 08-Aug-20 11:23:13

Congratulations, you are bringing the gift of a beautiful baby into the world. Most parents would be horrified if their children could not share such wonderful news with them.
I suspect that after their initial surprise has worn off they will be devoted grandparents. After all they want the best for you
and they will want the best for your family.

JackyB Sat 08-Aug-20 11:23:15

Here are my two cents, as a grandmother: Don't leave it too long - they will be offended if you don't tell them. However, you can say you wanted to wait the first trimester to be absolutely sure. And don't tell any friends first, either!

Judging from many experiences people have reported here on gransnet, it is best to be honest and open from the get-go, and let them know exactly how you feel about advice/presents/time spent with the grandchildren. Misunderstandings about this sort of thing cause so much heartache.

Don't forget that your mother was pregnant once, too, and may have some useful advice, but she must also bear in mind that things have changed very much in the past 20-30 years. Most grandmothers here on GN have been careful to bring themselves up to date with the latest developments.

However, you know your parents best, so don't worry if you can't take this advice.

Good luck!

Angie101 Sat 08-Aug-20 11:23:48

At 63 I’ve always thought I was too young to be a grandma ( at 30 I was convinced I was way too young to be a mum 😂)!
Back in March my eldest told us she was pregnant - oh my goodness!! What a joy! Can’t believe how happy I am about it😀 really can’t wait for her to be born in November - my daughter and I chat every day about her pregnancy, with lockdown she hasn’t had much support. They told me by sending me a photo of her positive pregnancy test - no words, just a photo ❤️❤️

JackyB Sat 08-Aug-20 11:24:54

JCB - just click on "acronyms" at the top of the page:

www.gransnet.com/info/acronyms

Hetty58 Sat 08-Aug-20 11:28:27

8 weeks is far too soon to tell anybody. I'd wait until you're four months pregnant. I'm sure they'll be delighted.

BabyLayla Sat 08-Aug-20 11:38:29

DH dear husband
AIBU am I being unreadable
DS dear son
DP dear partner

Aepgirl Sat 08-Aug-20 11:47:43

So glad you said this, Hetty58. Sadly, anything can happen so early on in a pregnancy, and after 4 months you will be unable, visually, to keep it from anybody.

GoldenAge Sat 08-Aug-20 11:51:02

newmama - congratulations and please don’t let this concern about your parents take the shine off your wonderful news. Personally, my mum was the first person I told of a pregnancy after my husband. I think she appreciated that and I think your parents will feel the same. However, if you do believe that they will try to criticise you then you need to ward off that criticism as right now you need peace and no stress. Would you be able to respond to criticism and say something like “well obviously this baby is coming as a surprise but that’s the situation, it is coming and we want to be as happy as possible about it” - at least then you could set the boundaries as far as unwanted judgements are concerned. Good luck.

lemongrove Sat 08-Aug-20 11:53:25

Since the OP doesn’t say what country she lives in, it’s only being assumed ( so far) that she is in the US.
Could be a number of countries that you need health insurance for.

vickya Sat 08-Aug-20 11:57:23

Lemongrove I think OP is in the US and school means college so he might be 24 too, or a couple of years younger, but that is not odd!

Newmama, when older daughter told me she was pregnant she was with a partner but not married. She was nervous telling me.

They were post university by a few years and she'd had a couple of internships and they were at the time running an occupied social centre, squatting in a venue and running it as a community centre with political talks, films, artistic ventures etc and could be removed any time if the owners managed the legal details.

I was so happy that i was going to be a grandmother smile I helped them at various times over the following years, as did her father. She is still very close to the fatehr of that child, even though not a partner now. They are the best parents I know and that 14 year old child is a delight and the best big brother ever to his 5 year old sister, who was born when daughter was married to the father, but is not now. The first partner is the most wonderful childcare for BOTH children, Both parents have good jobs and worked through lockdown.

Oh the father of the first child was a couple of years younger than my daughter too.

Congratulations on your baby. I hope you have a good pregnancy and safe birth and that all is well. All my best wishes.