Daughter inlaw hijacking forum for some advise please don’t be too harsh on me ?

If someone tried to snatch my child out of my arms, I would be tempted to punch them on the nose-mother in law or no mother in law. Sorry, but she will never alter her behaviour until your husband stands up to her and stands side by side with you, and makes her change because she won't ever listen to you. She doesn't have to now because there are really no consequences. It 's the usual husband problem rather than a mother in law problem.

Thankyouuuu! It’s been driving me insane like is it me with this issue because I don’t ever get any support from it. But it’s not and I know it’s not. I just don’t know how to move forward with it xx

My advice would be don’t leave your children in the care of 2 drunken grandparents who aren’t capable of being responsible adults.

Sorry, but your husband needs to grow a pair, you cannot, ever, put your children at risk, physically or mentally.

I realise that’s not particularly helpful, but it’s made me quite cross!

What your in-laws drink when they are on their own is nothing to do with you. But when your children are around it is. I like wine with my dinner but whenever we have had our DGC with us we don’t drink so we can drive if necessary.
To be honest I might cry if my DGC were on the norty step AND upset.
I give my DGC sweets and cake when they are with me ( not once a week but when they visit)
I love my DILs. and wouldn’t go against their wishes but they are kind enough to let me indulge my DGC a little because I love them. I may add that apart from the sweets and treats I also do craft With them. Sewing, painting, Lego building camps. There is a lot more to being a granny than spoiling G C in my opinion.

Sorry but I can’t even bother to read all about her I can’t get beyond that her and her husband use alcohol daily, my kids would not be going NEAR them, husband or no husband and I would expect a lot more coming from him Yes it’s his mum but those are his innocent kids and he sounds weak he needs to grow some bxxxs and keep his kids safe How dare his mother try to take your daughter out your arms and run after you down the street
You can’t move forward unless your husband backs you He is what’s holding it all up
I would move to the other side of the country personally

doddlebug to cry if your grandkids are put in the naughty step is totally ridiculous

Goodness you poor soul, you are trying so hard to be understanding, and it is all one way. Of course you cannot let your parents in law have contact with the children when they are drunk. Yes, grandparents may spoil the children a bit with extra cake or something, we usually operate on 'my house, my rules' but we follow all the parents wishes when in their home.

You have done well writing it all down, and perhaps you could amend/shorten what you have written a little, limit it to the vital points, show it to your husband, and say this is what needs to be said, and you are going to send it to her.

Bringing up young children is stressful enough without the inlaws making it worse! You don't mention your own parents?

You and your husband have a father and mother in law problem.
You also have a DH problem!

We as a family had some major issues with my in laws, when our children were quite young.

We as parents showed a united front.
Dh spoke to his Parents.
He laid down the ground rules (boundaries as they are referred to nowadays)

Like your in laws OP, DH's parents loved their grandchildren and wanted to be part of their lives, so they chose to try and follow our rules.

Good luck

Thankyou Thankyou Thankyou. I’m actually crying reading these posts. I feel so helpless. Just to add I don’t let her drink around my children. She did it behind my back last year. I made her attend an alcohol Center if she wanted to see the girls again. She went for 6 months. It made no difference. They think they are doing nothing wrong. They are not allowed to drink around the kids anymore. It crept up like a couple glasses of wine no big deal then it got to the point where I lost my .... I didn’t know they were drunk untill my daughter told me and it’s happened more than once. And now I don’t let them babysit anymore. As I say my humand is there now because of the drinking

Hello Lucylou0913 you have been very clear about what you want and now it is time for you and your Husband to sit down with his Parents and tell them as eloquently as you have put it here. Tell them you want healthy boundaries, that she is not entitled, that even if she does not like you, you deserve not only to be listened to but treated with respect and if you say no to something you should be listened to. I cannot give you any more advice than you have given yourself, you just need to get it over to them in as calm and a controlled way as possible. I wish you well.

Both my parents died. (Separate occasions) but I was bought up by my Nan. She is now in her late 80s. She’s way too old to burden her with issues

I’m so sorry Lucylou, I only got to the drinking part, and then I stopped. They shouldn’t be left anywhere near your children. Don’t care about hurting feelings or anything else. Your children come ABSOLUTELY first.....nothing else matters. They are a disgrace!?

asking your daughter to sleep in bed with her, is creepy.
i presume the children no longer stay overnight there.
i would limit meetings to outings/walks on neutral ground where you and husband and children are present and PIL can join you.
at the first sign of rude comments or intrusive behaviour, simply leave.
that'll teach em !

don't give her any more opportunity to undermine you or try to come between your authority and relationship with your daughter.
don't discuss, analyse, compromise.
just act. keep a steady line.

Hi Lucylou, I do feel for you!

Having your husband with the children when visiting the grandparents is a step in the right direction, never go back on that unless you see real change.

It seems to me that you need to sort out things with your husband before tackling the in-law problem. He needs to support you, and “ what do you want me to say, that’s my mum” is just the most feeble thing to say. If you two can't present a united front, it's going to be an uphill battle for you for ever. As others have said, he needs to grow up, and put his wife and children first, not his mum and dad. If you can't make him see that, would it help to talk it through with a close friend, or even have some couple counselling?

And then the in-laws. You need to decide some ground rules, either by yourself, or ideally with your hubby, and then calmly inform the in-laws that this is what's going to happen if they want to have contact with the children. Easier said than done, I know. But you can't have them disrespecting and undermining you.

You could cut them some slack with things like buying too many toys - which you already do, of course. Maybe the toys could stay at the grandparents, and only a few favourite toys can be brought home?

Most of all, get support. Husband, close friends, counsellor, whatever it takes. Do not put up with this situation any longer.
Good luck with all this. Sending you a big hug!

The OP has said that her in-laws do not drink around the children!

Lucylou, I think you should pick your battles, and stick to them. Decide which of their behaviours annoys you most, tell them that you will remove the children if they do whatever it is, and follow through.

If you say this in front of your husband, so much the better. He doesn't have to say it himself, but by not objecting he is tacitly agreeing with you - have a word with him first to be sure that he won't contradict you, though .

Some of the oddness can probably be tolerated - you sound like a reasonable person who is not looking for trouble - but (for me, anyway) being undermined would be a step too far.

Crying because your daughter is on the naughty step sounds like attention-seeking behaviour to me. Can your daughter see it happening from the step/corner? If so, you could calmly ask your MIL to move out of the way so that she is not setting a bad example to the little ones. If not, maybe just ignore it, and treat her like you would a toddler - pay absolutely no attention until she comes out of her strop and then smile and carry on as if nothing had happened.

Good luck. She does sound difficult, but it will probably get easier as your children get older, so hang on in there if you can .

Hi Lucylou, read it all now. I had awful in laws, no drinking, but controlling and manipulative. My female cousin once gave me advice as a young mum. She was ten years older than me, and also had a difficult MIL. She said “ whatever you do, don’t let your husband take the children to see his parents on their own, without you. If she has her son, and grandchildren, she’ll never need to sort anything out with you” I took that advice. My husband found dealing with his mother difficult, but I left him to it....and they didn’t see the grandchildren for pockets of time on and off, for 25 years. In the end, 20 years ago, when we were 40, we shut the door on them forever. Never looked back, best thing we ever did. The children were affected, and still remember things today, all in their thirties. They chose never to visit them, even though we encouraged it when they were adults. You have the added problem of alcohol. They are alcoholics. It doesn’t matter if they don’t drink around the children now, there’s probably enough damage done to their brains to render them incapable of even looking after themselves, let alone your precious children. Don’t do it. They’ll never change. It will only get worse. Maybe see them in public places, but leave it at that. I wish you all the very best.

Welbeck gave some good advice. You and your husband need to keep control. Your children, your rules no augment on that. Just meet say once a week or so, outside the home and with you there. Any nonsense or words you just say I am going and leave. Stand firm for your sake and your children

Oh dear Lucylou you do seem to be in a stressful situation regarding your in laws.
I think you need to pick your battles and get your husband to support you. Decide which things really need to change and have a strategy to deal with this working together with your husband. Good luck .

We actually did move ?200 miles away. And she still doesn’t stop. It’s just insane. It got worse when moved. I’ve been accused of taking her babies away. I really wish my husband would get on my side xx

Your main problem here is that you husband appears from what you have said to be prioritising his mother and her feelings before you and his children, including their safety. It seems as if he is so caught up in what sounds like coercive and manipulative behaviour from his mother, that he is unable to respond rationally to her behaviours.

Focus on this with your husband, be clear about the dangers for the children, be clear about why things cant go on as they are ,,,you two have to sort out a way forward together for all of your sakes.

The behaviours you describe are not normal grandparent behaviours, are not well meaning, are very far from loving!

Excellent advice from Madgran.

Take the kids away as soon as she says or does something you do not like ( within reason ) . Just tell her it is not on to be rude to you or undermine you . Pack up and go .

If they're drinking that much, they really shouldn't be around your DC. Period.

You and DH might look into attending Al-Anon. This is a program for people who are affected by the drinking of someone else.