So I’m really looking for some genuine advise I Am at a complete loss of what to do.
So my mother inlaw has always been wayyyy too much. She has no vision of boundaries what so ever and just runs away with whatever she wants to do with my children. It’s not always been “harmful” so I’ve let some of it go. Normal stuff of over feeding the kids junk spoiling them with the entire content of a shop bluh bluh bluh. To be honest I don’t really get my knickers in a twist about that kind of stuff. It’s annoying having my home overloaded with a million toys etc but I do understand it’s her time with the kids and that’s the best part of being a nan right. Get to get super nan and hand the parents the rubbish. That’s ok. I can deal with all of that.
But it does start to turn sinister and manipulative. She has issues. For one she has an alcohol problem. I wouldn’t consider her an alcoholic but there’s 100% an alcohol problem there. Both my mil and fil drink 6 nights a week and they don’t just have a drink. They get wasted. I think it’s through choice and not that they can’t stop but they just don’t want to stop. That’s an issue in its self that the entire family find a problem. Last year they got drunk with the kids. It was a whole thing they couldn’t get in the house because she was too drunk to get the keys out of her pocket.
She really does undermine me. I think she isn’t done with moherhood to be honest. She has always had this great attachment to my eldest daughter (the first grandchild) from the outside it probably looks like the favourite. But from the inside it’s more sinister than that. We have had our fair share of run ins over this. She over mothers getting involved where it wasn’t her place to. Majorly. Not just a little but I mean to the point She over takes my parenting role too much.
The thing is she’s my mother inlaw. I don’t want to dislike her but I can’t help it because her behaviour is crazy at times. She has cried at the dinner table for me putting my daughter into the naughty corner she has chased me down the road as I’ve left to go home pleading with me to leave my daughter with her. She’s pulled my daughter off me as I was tying to put her to bed. I won’t bore you with example after example but this list goes on and on of inappropriate behaviour from her.
The thing is I’m not a nan. And this is why I’m here. I’m desperate to try to understand her. We haven’t spoken for 2 years properly now. It causes problems between myself and my husband. I take it that it causes problems for him and his mum. I’ve tried talking to her. She is the one who is cut off from me. It’s like she ignores problems like they don’t exist because she’s embarrassed about it. The drinking she literally pretends like it doesn’t happen. I don’t let her have the kids on her own now because of it. I can’t trust her to be sober with my children so my husband stays over there for visits with them. When I politely have tried to deal with the issues she huffs at me and makes the whole thing hostile and uncomfortable. We don’t actually know each other very well even though I have been married to my husband for 12 years now. I have opened up to her a few times about my personal life. Things she wouldn’t just get from a conversation or face value in order to have a more in depth relationship with her. My mum died when I was young so to be honest I would absolutely love to have a mother inlaw to do the things with the children that I was never able to do with my own mum. I would love to have someone to share it with. But she takes the kids off to town or where ever and it’s clear I’m not invited. And When I have tried to arrange things which I have done a lot it’s always me that’s put the effort in.
To be totally frank I’m not that bothered about not having a relationship with her as such. I mean it’s sad but it’s not really personal to me. She’s not my mum so it’s not a direct effect on me as such. But it is an issue in my family home with the kids and my husband.
I just wish she would have some respect for me. Which believe me is zero. She often would make smart rude remarks. I’m sat In her house and she would make rude comments. I would say something back if it was anyone else but I kept quiet because it’s my husbands mum. But I didn’t deserve it.
I’ve tried to talk to my husband so many times about. He does agree with what I’m saying And he can see it. But his exact words are “ what do you want me to say, that’s my mum” most the time he just ignores anything I ever say so it’s just become that I do not see his family anymore. It’s completely broken down. If they come to our home I go to see my family/friends. If they visit they go without me and it’s been that way for 2 years now.
It’s almost like I just want to jump inside of her head and understand it. Which is why I’m here. Please be kind. I’m not looking for hostile opinions I want to try figure this out but I don’t know how.
I want Healthy boundaries Kept in place without her just steam rolling over me and taking it to unhealthy levels without being disrespected or rude towards me. I want her to understand she’s not “entitled” all of the time. I want her to understand that even if she doesn’t like me that I deserve to be listened to. If I say no to something then to listen to me. And it’s not about not giving my children too much cake. It’s more serious than that. I’m saying no to things I find manipulative. Like using my husbands dads minor illness to move back towards her. Or asking my daughter to sleep in bed with her when I said no to that (she’s 9 not a toddler)
She has issues but she’s not actually awful. There’s parts of her that get on my nerves but there’s parts of her I admire too. Again I have told her that but it went ignored. Her drinking is an issue but I’ve put my foot down and told them they can’t drink around my children and that stopped when We had the insident. I can’t stop them drinking but I don’t get drunk infront of my children I’m not allowing others to do that.
Just come constructive advice please. I don’t know how to move forward
Lucylou0913 Tue 18-Aug-20 17:04:46
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