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Grandparenting

Speak up or shut up!

(86 Posts)
Granjenny Sat 28-Nov-20 19:31:46

Months ago I posted on here as my 8 year old grand daughter was rude to me, telling me to mind my own business and a few weeks later saying “what’s it got to do with you” when I asked her a question. It turned into an almighty family row as my daughter never disciplined her behaviour. Anyway it smoothed over as time past and because of social distancing we have not spent much time with my family. On a couple of occasions my grand daughter has brought up the row saying do you remember the fight and to her mother , was it last time I stayed over at GM did we have that row.? My daughter is quick to dismiss it quickly without getting into another discussion but I’m tempted to say to my grand daughter do you remember when you told me to mind my own business when I asked you a question......, so I guess it’s a vote to you all, would You speak up or shut up and just let it go??.

MissAdventure Sat 28-Nov-20 19:35:42

I would just say "No, I'm choosing not to".
Then I would choose not to.

B9exchange Sat 28-Nov-20 19:38:49

I would let your daughter deal with it and refuse to give her any satisfaction by reacting.

phoenix Sat 28-Nov-20 19:43:12

Hmm, tricky, possibly say "So what do you remember about that, and what do you think about it now?"

Might give her chance to realise how bad her attitude was, and how her behaviour towards you was unacceptable.

Namsnanny Sat 28-Nov-20 19:44:54

Dont encourage a conversation but dont ignore her either.

Say something child centred like 'You seem to want to talk about it, but I don't like arguments so I'm not going to'.
Then start another conversation based on something you know she likes. Distraction after confrontation.

She definitely knows what she is doing, but it's unclear why she is drawing attention to it.

I think there is a power struggle going on with her and someone in authority, and she is taking it out on you.
I could well be barking up the wrong tree, if so feel free to ignore!

V3ra Sat 28-Nov-20 21:05:06

You could say something along the lines of,
"Yes, you were rude to me weren't you, and that's not nice is it, we don't be rude to people do we?"
You're acknowledging what she did, and that it was wrong, but keeping her onside.
I use this strategy with my minded children and it's very effective.
When she (hopefully!) agrees with you, then say,
"But we're friends now, aren't we?"
And leave it at that 😊

BlueBelle Sat 28-Nov-20 22:24:11

Oh gosh I d leave it why rake up something that’s long passed

Lucca Sat 28-Nov-20 22:26:30

“Be the bigger person” ?

Lolo81 Sat 28-Nov-20 22:30:58

To quote the child’s words back to her seems a bit confrontational to me, and I certainly would advise against doing this unprompted (as in you broaching the subject).
If the child brings it up again then maybe say something, but I’d be more inclined to focus on how the child felt at the time and what had upset her - that way she’s exploring her feelings independently, it might make for a productive conversation.

ElaineI Sat 28-Nov-20 22:38:12

I think I would just say "We've moved past that now" and talk about something else.

Grannynannywanny Sat 28-Nov-20 22:56:43

I vote for moving on and leave it in the past. Wipe the slate clean and start again. It’s been an utterly s* year for children as well as adults. There’s enough to be worrying about currently without raking over the coals from months ago.

Granjenny Sat 28-Nov-20 23:10:32

Thanks for all your advice. I certainly wouldn’t be bringing it up but she seems to keep mentioning it. When she mentioned it this week I actually said oh we’ve moved on from then, these things happen, but I just wanted advice for when she mentions it again which I’m sure she will. It actually affected me for a while when the incident happened!!

lemongrove Sun 29-Nov-20 09:35:29

Make light of it if she brings up the subject again, she may feel that you don’t like/love her as much after what happened and it could be her way of finding out how you feel?
Of course you were upset, who wouldn’t be, but I would say something along the lines of ‘I think you must have been in a very grumpy mood then, but we won’t worry about it’.
We can’t give bad verbal behaviour the green light, but we can
Show that we move on and forgive.

Smileless2012 Sun 29-Nov-20 10:02:10

I think you handled it very well Granjenny by saying "oh we've moved on from then, these things happen" and if she mentions it again, I'd say the same thing.

Grandmabatty Sun 29-Nov-20 10:24:16

I think moving on is best. Clearly it is preying on your dgd's mind as she keeps bringing it up or she is deliberately trying to bring it up to restart the argument. Either way by firmly saying, "we've moved on," is probably the best way.

crazyH Sun 29-Nov-20 10:30:08

Just let it go Granjenny - all the best !!

Lazyriver Sun 29-Nov-20 10:35:24

I would leave it, especially at the moment. But another time, when doing something quiet with your GD, just drift the conversation around to being kind and thoughtful to other people.

cc Sun 29-Nov-20 10:38:11

My 10 year old GD is occasionally rude or dismissive with me but I just ignore it. They're just flexing their muscles and the more you make of it the more likely it is to happen again.

Dibbydod Sun 29-Nov-20 10:38:27

I agree with the other posts , just say “ we’ve moved on from that haven’t we “ with a smile and change the subject completely.

Ailidh Sun 29-Nov-20 10:40:33

It sounds to me at first sight that the GD might be wondering if not seeing you so much is her fault because of what she said. I know she's old enough, a bit, to understand about the pandemic but we can all feel irrational guilt.

I think acknowledging her comment, as grandmabatty and lemongrove suggest is the best way forward.

Nanananana1 Sun 29-Nov-20 10:41:25

These are the things eight year old girls pick up from school 'friends' and bitchy remarks in TV programmes and on the Internet. Sounds like she is playing games with you, clever psychological games at that! Like when siblings wind each other up with cruel and hurtful remarks. Maybe she enjoys seeing the power she has. It is all part of living, learning and hopefully one day, learning how to love. By all means tell her that her remark was hurtful and that it doesn't mean you don't love her any less. These are the things eight year old girls pick up from school 'friends' and bitchy remarks in TV programmes and on the Internet. Her Mum needs to be aware of what is going on as I think this needs addressing early on, maybe she doesn't know how to handle it? BTW one of my nieces was an absolute * to all the females in the family at one point, she's nice as pie now, we all just ignored it and set a better example. Now she wants to be part of the 'girls-all friends-together' gang

mrsgreenfingers56 Sun 29-Nov-20 10:42:08

I spent a lot of time in Germany and there was a saying there "The clever one gives in". Thought of that many times.

TBsNana Sun 29-Nov-20 10:46:10

I would say " why do you keep mentioning that? Does it worry you?" And see what she says.
If she says it doesn't then dismiss it by saying " well then let's forget about it now shall we"
If she talks about it have a gentle conversation about what happened which still ends with the same phrase!

grandtanteJE65 Sun 29-Nov-20 10:46:52

If the child herself mentions it to you, I think I would say,
"Yes, I do remember that, and I remember being very hurt by what you said to me." Then leave it there.

If the girl needs to continue discussing it with you and is apologetic then talk to her about it. If she is still as rude, tell her it does no good talking about it, as you and she will probably never agree about this.

Then talk of something else, and don't let yourself be dragged into another discussion of the row.

BlackSheep46 Sun 29-Nov-20 10:48:50

The child - and she is but a child - clearly needs to clear the air with you. Don't make it hard for her. Just reassure her that you will always love her - that's what you are for ! Encourage her not to hang on to anger and resentments in life - bad for the psyche for evermore. You're an adult. She's not. Help her to grow up to be a wholesome loving person. We lead by example even more than by what we do or don't say so be sure to set a good example - and that means being loving and supportive, not childish.