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Advice Appreciated

(35 Posts)
Ormond Fri 15-Jan-21 14:45:29

My son and partner delivered a beautiful grandchild 9 months ago, who is completely loved and cherished.

The pregnancy was a shock, as my son's partner was on the pill. The family have rallied to help and support, both materially and financially during the first 9 months, as things have been very hard for them as a family, this has often meant myself or my father (Great Grandad), paying bills or giving them money for food. I've also been getting busy in the kitchen, revisiting weaning recipes of old.

We've recently been told, that there may be a further pregnancy, despite my son's partner again being on the pill and apparently never missing etc.

Whilst I know it's not about money (necessarily), I wonder what others think in terms of long-term outcomes for both children, as the first grandson will be 18 month old when the 2nd one comes along.

Mum whilst improving, hasn't coped particularly well with the initial 9 months adjustment to becoming a Mum and whilst I've supported in every way possible, I wonder whether seeing this 2nd pregnancy through to conclusion, at this time, is the best thing for them as a couple, family unit or the children.

I have advised that it may be best to wait until they are more settled and that there are options (which is a terrible thing to have to think about as a grandparent), but I wonder whether Mum will be able to cope, particularly if baby no.2 requires more attention than baby no. 1, but it seems she wants to press ahead with the pregnancy.

My son whilst working, is on a zero hour contract and work is not continuously sustained, visa vie no work, no pay. I'm most probably not articulating the situation extremely well, but I'm very worried for the long term repercussion's on all concerned, particularly the grandchildren and just wondered what others felt/thought and any advice you may have to offer.

janeainsworth Fri 15-Jan-21 14:55:15

Do I understand correctly that you’ve advised your son’s partner to have an abortion?

I have no religious affiliation but that is way, way beyond the pale.

Apologies if I have misunderstood.

vampirequeen Fri 15-Jan-21 15:01:28

DD2 fell pregnant in the same way. Yes we were worried about the strain of two babies so close together but tbh it's never been an issue. The 18month old was in a routine before the new baby was born. The new routine was then built around both children. Neither baby missed out on love or attention.

Peasblossom Fri 15-Jan-21 15:02:09

I’m pro-choice but, as you’ve been supporting them financially, I think you may have unthinkingly put a terrible pressure on them to not have this baby. If they can’t manage without your help they may feel they have no option other than to do as you advise. Like janeainsworth, I hope I’ve got it wrong.

Ilovecheese Fri 15-Jan-21 15:03:18

No advice for you really, but just to say that having a sibling close in age might make up for any lack of money for your grandchildren. I know two boys born 10 months apart, things were not easy when they were tiny but now, in their forties, they are still best friends.
I wouldn't suggest or press for a termination if she wants to go ahead, babies can't always be planned for, sometimes they are conceived too soon and sometimes can't be conceived at all.

EllanVannin Fri 15-Jan-21 15:04:03

I'd get checking on what benefits they would be entitled to as under the circumstances it would seem that they'll be entitled especially with another child coming along.
The people involved are adults and are well aware of what they're doing, so step back in that area.

Ormond Fri 15-Jan-21 15:05:32

No, but I've advised them to honestly weigh up all options available to them to ensure that the children are brought up in household that is not fractured.

felice Fri 15-Jan-21 15:06:54

I really hope this is fake, I have spoken to women of all ages who have had abortions and it is not a 'quick fix'.
The trauma can stay with many women and their partners for life.
I am not anti-abortion at all but it is not your place to make this decision.
Perhaps you should buy your son a multi-pack of Condoms and use a banana to teach him how to use them.
He is also responsible.

Ormond Fri 15-Jan-21 15:07:15

Thank you, feeling reassured by your comment.

Liz46 Fri 15-Jan-21 15:10:59

I understand that you have helped (as we all do) but back off and don't get so involved.

Farmor15 Fri 15-Jan-21 15:11:17

My son and partner had a similar experience- accidental pregnancy which meant 2 children very close together and mother was not coping well with 1st. In early tests, potential abnormalities with baby showed up and they were warned of possibility of brain problems. There was a very worrying time and termination was considered. However, further tests showed only slight problems which could be corrected and they proceeded with pregnancy and had second baby only 14 months after first.

Now he is 4 and I know they are very glad they didn’t opt for abortion. There were a couple of difficult years - we helped as much as we could. They didn’t have the same financial problems as Ormond’s” son, which I suppose makes a difference.

All you can do is give as much support as possible without interfering with new family. The early months with first baby are difficult for all 1st time parents- 2nd much easier! 18 months between babies is not that close - by then 1st should be walking and a bit independent.

LovelyCuppa Fri 15-Jan-21 15:13:08

I would stay well out of those kind of conversations.

Ormond Fri 15-Jan-21 15:14:01

@felice, I fully accept that it not my place to make such a decision for any other woman to have to go through a termination.

As for your comment about condoms, my son is fully aware of what they are and how to use them, but as a couple, his partner had opted to use the pill.

Ormond Fri 15-Jan-21 15:15:48

@Farmor15 - Really appreciate your comments, which offers reassurance around positive outcomes for all concerned, many thanks.

Armadillo Fri 15-Jan-21 15:17:57

I have a small gap between my boys and someone said to me that there were choices. They didn't think we could cope and were always trying to give us things and remind us how much they helped which made us feel small.
We don't see them now and they didn't get to see our amazing boys grow up. That's not a good thing to suggest to expecting parents.

Oopsadaisy1 Fri 15-Jan-21 15:20:47

I can’t believe that someone would suggest to a pregnant woman that she ‘weighs up all of her options’ if my parents or in laws had said that to me they would have been out of the door.

Laurely Fri 15-Jan-21 15:24:16

As I read your post, it is not certain that she is pregnant; and a lot of early pregnancies do not lead to a baby. My DD's second pregnancy would have given her two children under two, which I thought was not a good idea; but at the twelve-week scan, there was no heartbeat. Fortunately, I had buttoned my lip. So continue supporting them, in whatever ways you feel comfortable with, but do not allow yourself to make any comments either for or against termination. Another DD has children born 19 months apart; it was a lot of hard work, but now they have become very good friends and can entertain each other. An unlocked-for bonus is that because they are so close in age, home-schooling is easier! Good luck to all of you.

MissAdventure Fri 15-Jan-21 15:48:34

I would think that considering these adults are unable to support themselves, it makes sense for them to weigh up all their options.

kircubbin2000 Fri 15-Jan-21 15:53:41

My daughter solved this by getting a teenage, foreign au pair. You may not be able to do this with Brexit but she only had bed and board , no pay and was a great support.

GagaJo Fri 15-Jan-21 15:55:25


@felice, I fully accept that it not my place to make such a decision for any other woman to have to go through a termination.

As for your comment about condoms, my son is fully aware of what they are and how to use them, but as a couple, his partner had opted to use the pill.

Two accidental pregnancies would suggest that he cannot trust either his partner OR the pill and that probably he should take some of the responsibility for contraception. BEFORE a third accidental pregnancy.

Tangerine Fri 15-Jan-21 15:57:53

I have under two years between my children and they were always friends. I am not saying they never quarrelled but, on the whole, they got on really well and they are still very friendly.

I do see that you are worried about money but it is up to them. I think you should stay out of it.

Esspee Fri 15-Jan-21 16:12:22

I’m with GagaJo on this. The reliability of the contraceptive pill is exceptionally high so two unplanned pregnancies using it properly is unlikely.
Your son needs to take responsibility for contraception, either condoms or sterilisation as his partner doesn’t seem capable.

As for suggesting an abortion, you have absolutely no right to interfere.

mumski Fri 15-Jan-21 16:27:04

Ormond. If their income is precarious and it sounds like it maybe they can apply for Universal Credit which will top up their income each month. It can all be done online. At the moment we are doing everything over the phone and it is a reasonably straight forward process. Hopefully it may relieve some of the pressure from you too.

Redhead56 Fri 15-Jan-21 16:27:39

I would never suggest a termination and would be very careful when giving any advice. Sometimes it can get thrown back in your face.
You sound as if you are really supportive but back off a bit. I think too much help might stop your DIL learning to cope on her own.
I know it’s difficult trying not to be too involved but it will be for the best.

Grandmabatty Fri 15-Jan-21 16:43:26

Of course you are concerned but by commenting to them at all,you are overstepping a line.Their decision is their decision. If you are unhappy then make it clear that financially you can't help more than you do,but keep out of such emotional,fraught decisions.