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Grandparenting

The pain of denied access to my grandchildren

(20 Posts)
Zander Wed 21-Apr-21 12:29:14

For two years I have been denied access to my only grandchildren and despite every attempt to discover the reason and resolve this , my daughter and son-in-law have remained silent.I am widowed living alone, and especially during this last year the pain has been unbearable. Every grandchild has the right to have contact with a loving grandparent and I cry for them every day. I live in South Yorkshire and have tried without success to find a support group , can anyone help please.

nanna8 Wed 21-Apr-21 12:44:54

Just google it. There is one that comes up straight away, grandparents support group for estranged grandparents in Yorkshire. Facebook group.

Zander Wed 21-Apr-21 16:21:37

thank you...I am not familiar with face book and worry who sees it..however I will have a look

Redhead56 Wed 21-Apr-21 18:26:19

Change your name for Facebook. I am very sorry about your situation it must be difficult. Now things are opening up you can meet people for lunches etc having a good talk will ease your stress.
To meet other people if you are well volunteer. Why not offer your help to those who would appreciate it 💐💐

Sallywally1 Wed 21-Apr-21 18:34:11

It’s hard, I know. The pain can be unbearable. I agree talk to people if you can. For me it has been six years and the pain is as fresh today as it was back then.

There is a thread about this very subject called estrangement on the site; it is more common than people realise.

You look after yourself, there is nothing anyone can say to ease the pain, but sadly you are not alone.

Zander Wed 21-Apr-21 18:35:02

I dont know how to change my name I never use facebook although I have an account ..I would love to help ..how can I volunteer?

LilyJ Wed 21-Apr-21 18:51:53

If you feel you could go through the stress of the process, you could apply for a Child arrangement order. Cost about £250, starts with a thorough process from CAFCAS (children & family court advisory service), where an experienced social worker will be appointed to talk to yourself, the parents and most importantly.,the children. They will take their findings to the court - where you could represent yourself or hire a solicitor or similar. The results should always be “in the best interests of the child/ren.”
Easy to look into online, but quite a long and stressful process, so definitely not for everyone. There is also the possibility that it may annoy the parents even more which is a common reason for many grandparents not going through with it.
My heart goes out to you, you just feel so helpless don’t you? To not know the reasons why is even more hurtful. It just seems that if we don’t fit with their expectations....we can be “cancelled “, so, so cruel.

Newatthis Wed 21-Apr-21 18:54:37

I'm not sure how changing your name on FB might help as they still have to agree to 'accept you' as a friend and if they don't know who you are they're not likely to. Can you find out what has gone wrong from another family member, or a member of his family? I think there are support groups out there and I also think this can be legally challenged.

Redhead56 Wed 21-Apr-21 19:10:06

Apparently you cannot change your name on Facebook sorry about that. I don’t use Facebook myself. Google ‘support groups’ in your local area Citizens Advice or Age Concern UK may help you if not ask at your local council. Your GP surgery as they usually have posters up offering support for people. Age UK will also offer you help regarding volunteering. Charity shops food banks always welcome the offer of help.

Sara1954 Wed 21-Apr-21 19:13:07

Zander
They may feel they have good reasons, but it’s unfair not to tell you what they are, so that you can try and put things right.
I honestly don’t know what to suggest, but I know it must be heartbreaking not to see your grandchildren.

geekesse Wed 21-Apr-21 19:15:21

It is rare for there to be no reason at all for an adult child to cut all contact - there is usually a real or perceived issue of some kind of abuse, emotional, social, physical or psychological, in the past. The parent who has been cut off often seems quite unable to understand what the adult child is angry about, or why. I wonder if there is more to this tale of woe than the original poster has shared.

Madgran77 Wed 21-Apr-21 19:23:50

You may find the thread here on Gransnet "Support for all living with estrangement" helpful.

Sara1954 Wed 21-Apr-21 19:26:36

geekesse
I agree, it’s very unlikely that nothing has caused this, but if Zander doesn’t know what it is, she can’t begin to understand their feelings, or attempt to put things right.

Smileless2012 Thu 22-Apr-21 09:48:11

Having been estranged for more than 8 years Zander my experience of support groups has been on line. As Madgran has said, there is an estrangement forum here on GN, and a thread specifically for supporting those living with estrangement.

There is the impact of an AC's partner if they are controlling and manipulative to consider, and there are a lot of parents who've been estranged because of this.

As you've posted Sara, unless the reasons for the estrangement are made clear there's no way for an estranged parent to "attempt to put things right".

CafeAuLait Thu 22-Apr-21 10:01:00

I'm sorry for the pain you are experiencing. I can't help with a support group but I hope you find one, or find a friend in someone who can relate.

Lolo81 Sun 25-Apr-21 05:14:05

Zander, do you have texts or emails from your daughter or SIL going back to before the time this all happened? If you do I’d encourage you to go back and have a wee look and see what was going on. This might clue you in on what has happened. Like others I’d encourage you to post on the estrangement thread here on GN to get some support from others in the same situation.

Many times through threads on here about estrangement we’ve seen that mismatched expectations can cause problems - is that maybe the case for you?

rojo01 Sun 25-Apr-21 07:00:18

We had contact with our grandchildren untill the ages of 3 & 2 I had the children 4 days a week after parents separated.

Then Mother moved away not allowed contact so to cut a long story short after several years of trying to get contact applied to court for contact order it was granted after cafcass reports and such albit lots of travelling just for couple of hours contact centre felt like criminal just to see grandchildren so after completing all dates within and under care of contact centre mother started to only give dates for roughly about ever 12 weeks slow to get dates didn't turn up after us travelling miles one end of country to other end.
Covid hit stopped us seeing them. Went for enforcement order nothing happened I think the whole process from start to finish with the courts as been to put us off even when we first applied they'd have us travel all that way for very brief hearing now we are supposed to be trying to sort this out on our own with mother who is still not complying with order.
I can actually say I've grieved for our grandchildren over the years I've asked courts from day I to be allowed to take them on holiday yet still nowhere near to getting this. We have no criminal record not know to social service don't drink no drugs never don't smoke yet the mothers side of family quite opposite to all this.
I can now we'll understand why fathers have done what they have done in past climbing up buildings & such like if fathers have little rights then you can see what grandparents up against the whole system is only in favour of the mother.
From gov level right down to cafcass and the courts which is total unfair children do have rights to see extended family they gain so much from grandparents yet nobody it seem I've had dealings with don't seem to have child's best interest at heart only the mothers
I'd be interested to hear if any other grandparents are in the same boat as us or if anyone as any help to offer us thank you for reading post

Madgran77 Sun 25-Apr-21 11:14:20

rojo01 How sad for you and how very painful. Sadly in this situation, with the children living with one parent and having moved away, then the "system" just doesn't work if the parent with care ignores it and makes choices which appear to have little do with her children's feelings about a caring and loving relationship that was a big part of their life, presumably as recognised by the Court, hence a court order allowing contact.

I am wondering if their father , your son, has regular contact with his children? If there are difficulties there too, has he also been trying to see his children regularly?

I am so sorry that you are going through this and quite understandably grieving for your grandchildren flowers

greenlady102 Sun 25-Apr-21 11:18:30

Redhead56

Apparently you cannot change your name on Facebook sorry about that. I don’t use Facebook myself. Google ‘support groups’ in your local area Citizens Advice or Age Concern UK may help you if not ask at your local council. Your GP surgery as they usually have posters up offering support for people. Age UK will also offer you help regarding volunteering. Charity shops food banks always welcome the offer of help.

open a second account with a different name and email address

Hithere Sun 25-Apr-21 12:29:35

Be very careful going to court to have access to your gc.

That could be the last straw that fully breaks the relationship forever