Gransnet forums

Grandparenting

New grandparents

(53 Posts)
62Granny Thu 06-May-21 16:31:40

Our daughter phoned us last night to inform us that she is expecting, early days yet so not going public, why am I posting you may enquire, obviously my husband and I are pleased but she has never really been the motherly type, she likes children but always said she liked them in small doses. She has been married for 7 years and with her husband for 10. They always seemed content and has never mentioned wanting a child but apparently have been trying since the wedding, she is late 30s so an older mum. I had her in my 20s and never felt the need for a second child. We speak more or less daily. She doesn't live locally and am wondering how to support her now and after the birth.

SueDonim Thu 06-May-21 16:35:19

Just be there for her and don’t offer unasked-for advice, I’d say.

AGAA4 Thu 06-May-21 16:42:26

Exciting for your daughter after 7 years. She will want you around as both my daughters did when they were pregnant and new mums.
I felt my job was just to support and help when needed.

Grandmabatty Thu 06-May-21 16:53:17

Congratulations. I listen a lot and never offer advice unless I'm asked. I would text to ask how she was feeling as my dd had a great deal of sickness. I asked what they would like me to buy for the baby. We agreed on pram etc. I was very careful not to overstep boundaries and I kept saying, " this is not my baby." Be guided by your daughter. Things have changed dramatically since I gave birth thirty years ago and you have a whole new experience ahead to enjoy.

Hithere Thu 06-May-21 17:05:31

Tell her you are there for her and just ask what she needs

Farmor15 Thu 06-May-21 17:22:43

I wouldn’t worry about her not being the motherly type. I was an only child with very little experience of children - ended up with 5! I just grew into the role. When my daughter was pregnant, I was a bit worried, as she didn’t seem like she was cut out for motherhood, but took to it like a duck to water, and it changed her completely.

Like others have said, just be there for support when needed.

Antonia Thu 06-May-21 17:37:00

How lovely for your daughter after 7 years of trying. She must be thrilled. As others have said, just assure her that you will be there if she needs you. Both daughters wanted us to stay for a week after the birth. There will be a lot of help needed at first, such as shopping, cooking and cleaning, so that mum is free to concentrate on baby.
I wouldn't worry at all about her not being a motherly type. Once baby arrives, most mums are thrilled, and even those who aren't generally bond eventually.

V3ra Thu 06-May-21 18:00:50

If they've been trying for seven years I'd say the "small doses" comments were to deflect any unwanted speculation from other people.
They must be thrilled to have finally conceived 🥰
It's good that you already speak so frequently.
Ask them what help, both practical and financial, they would like from you.
Ask your daughter how she is, as a person. I used to get fed up only being talked to about my pregnancy.
Let them set the pace and enjoy the journey with them.
Congratulations to all of you 😊

JaneJudge Thu 06-May-21 18:17:11

How lovely for you all smile

Fleur20 Thu 06-May-21 18:32:14

I suggest buying a couple of the ‘pregnancy’ magazines.. just for your information... there is a whole vocabulary these days that did not exist 30+ years ago!! Then let your daughter explain everything to you as time passes... that way you do not ask too many irritating questions at the wrong moment!
And then, as others have suggested, ask what they would like you to buy for the baby/nursery etc.. or give them cash to spend as they see fit. You will still have plenty of opportunity to spoil Baby, but everything seems to cost an absolute fortune... cot, high chair, pram, car seat, baby alarm.. and the new parents will decide their own priorities.
And ask ask ask... do not pass comment, question decisions or choices...
And enjoy every moment of Grandparenthood.. it really is a lot of fun... and you get to hand them back too!!!

Madgran77 Thu 06-May-21 20:17:52

Tell her you are there for her and just ask what she needs

Spot on Hithere

nipsmum Sun 09-May-21 10:41:53

What wonderful news. Grandchildren are a joy that nothing else comes close to. Always ask before you do anything or offer advice. Don't be over protective of the new parents to be, just help if requested.

Albangirl14 Sun 09-May-21 10:42:31

Congratulations! When the due date gets nearer I enjoyed buying bits and bobs such as a changing mat and a soft babygro to have ready . When the caby arrived I made up a nice parcel of useful things .

ginny Sun 09-May-21 10:47:44

Lovely news ! As others have said, just let her know that you are there for her .
My eldest DD was never the motherly type but. has been the most loving , supportive Mum to our 18 year old DGS.
It sounds like you have a good relationship already so lots of fun ahead.

4allweknow Sun 09-May-21 10:48:28

Don't offer advice on the pregnancy, birth or baby unless asked. Just offer to help with anything you can. So much has changed in 30 years, just listen and support. Congratulations.

greenlady102 Sun 09-May-21 10:50:24

V3ra

If they've been trying for seven years I'd say the "small doses" comments were to deflect any unwanted speculation from other people.
They must be thrilled to have finally conceived 🥰
It's good that you already speak so frequently.
Ask them what help, both practical and financial, they would like from you.
Ask your daughter how she is, as a person. I used to get fed up only being talked to about my pregnancy.
Let them set the pace and enjoy the journey with them.
Congratulations to all of you 😊

absolutely this about the small doses comment from personal experience.

NoddingGanGan Sun 09-May-21 10:56:10

I was never interested in babies or small children until I had my own. Then I was besotted, devoted.
Now, once again, not a baby person. Even my own grandchildren, one aged six and another due in a couple of months, hold no real excitement for me. I'm fond enough of the one I have and looking forward to meeting the new one well enough but they're not the focus of my existence as folks around seem to think they should be. confused

Lulu16 Sun 09-May-21 11:07:15

Neither my Mum or Mother in law helped me at all, with either baby.
I would have loved it if someone had just been there, not particularly to do anything but just to show kindness.

Hellsbelles Sun 09-May-21 11:09:48

Be supportive , tell her you are both thrilled and want to be there for them , but don't want to be overbearing so will let take things at their own pace to enjoy it the experience , basically happy to help when needed.

sarahcyn Sun 09-May-21 11:11:12

It's so useful to be well prepared both for birth and parenthood. People pay a fortune for their wedding day but far fewer think they need to plan/educate themselves for a much more life changing event! What about paying for them to do an NCT antenatal course? That way they would meet other soon-to-be parents in their area. Or for a birth/postpartum doula to support them in the early days? I'm a doula and I run a course for new grandparents because there are lots of changes around babies and baby care that most of us won't have been aware of.

Lupin Sun 09-May-21 11:11:34

Let's face it. Despite the plethora of advice books and classes out there no 0ne can prepare you for the reality of being a parent or a grandparent for that matter. Particularly in the early days.
There has, however, been some good advice on here already by way of being ready to support and help when asked with a whole heart.
If it's any comfort, I was not a maternal type when young but I love my children and their children very much. I had family help and support, from mother and mother-in-law, when my babies arrived and I was wallowing in uncertainty and, at times, panic and got through just like the majority of others. I have payed it forward to my daughters in my turn
. I have just remembered the first time I made up a bottle of feed for my first baby and wept over it. I had to make three before I could do it without lumps. My mother-in-law was with me at the time and, bless her, she didn't take over, hugged me when I'd managed it and fed it to the baby and tried to get the wind to come up. Then we both sank into a chair. Drained we were. By the end of the next day I was making them up as if I'd done it all my life. When she was alive, we'd often think back to this.

SecondhandRose Sun 09-May-21 11:14:07

Look up modern parenting methods for babies as it has all changed. Mine were on solids at 10 weeks. Now it’s 6 months!

DC64 Sun 09-May-21 11:15:11

Congratulations- best thing ever having grandkids I love it, and don’t worry about her not being too maternal it’s amazing how things can change when they’ve got one of their own! As as for your role, let it come into its own, just be there for when advise is sought or just a listening ear, and enjoy being a grandma!

Missiseff Sun 09-May-21 11:20:43

She might not want your support.

Angie101 Sun 09-May-21 11:26:34

My daughter made that announcement this time last year and it’s been amazing
Because of lockdown we did most of our chatting with her sitting in the hall and me on the pavement! I supported every decision they made and slipped a few in at the same time!
Once baby was born I became their support bubble and whilst my own house now needs a good clean, I am loving spending my days off work with them. When my daughter goes back to work in September I am child care two days a week and can’t wait 😀
Baby doesn’t sleep very well so I often look after her while mum gets a nap
Its a whole new world being a granny 😀❤️