DIL Denied Me Access to 1st and ONLY Grandson!

I know it's hard and you're hurting but the harsh reality is that your DIL and DS get to make the decisions about who is allowed around their child, for whatever reason they decide. You got to make these decisions for your own children, now it is their turn to make that decision for their child.

I don't think it is realistic to expect your son to just forget negative stuff that happened as a child. It doesn't work that way.

I'm glad you are in therapy and that it seems to be helping you.

* I believe my son has told her all the negative stuff that happened to him as a child*

So. What happened.

What happened when he was a child?

How is his relationship with his sister?

Seeing your gc is not a right, so your son and dil are not denying you anything.

As your DIL has hardly met you she has clearly formed her opinion of you from what your son has told her. You can never hope to reach out to her because you don't know her, your only hope is to make contact with your son, explain how you feel and ask him how you can make amends for any hurt you have caused in the past. You do not need to say what negative stuff happened, that is not our business. Your son is your only lifeline here. If he is not willing to talk with you and connect with you then there is nothing you can do. It seems he feels he must keep his wife happy at the expense of his mother.
You say they have blocked contact, so all you can do is keep sending him and the baby birthday cards with loving wishes and say how much it would mean to you if he made contact. It may work one day.

I’m sorry you are in pain.

The only thing you can do is stay in therapy for you. They will come back to you, or not. You can’t force it.

I’m afraid I agree with the others on this post OP, your opinion on how your DS should process any negativity in his childhood has no bearing on how he actually feels about it.
Your DIL and DS may feel that whatever issues there were are serious enough to impact decisions around contact of their child.
It’s a shame and I wish you every success in healing and hopefully being able to self reflect and maybe try to rebuild a healthy adult relationship with him.

5fatk - Your pain is so palpable. It could be any of us. I have 2 d.I.ls. One is sweet and treats me well. The other is difficult, but then, so is her husband (my son). We have had our difficulties, but never have they stopped me from seeing the children. However, I still walk on eggshells .....

I believe my son has told her all the negative stuff that happened to him as a child

That will probably do it and explains why she doesn't want you around her child.
Your DIL will go on information that your son has told her.

How very sad for ALL concerned.
I imagine everyone has issues from the past,but we don`t live there any more.
We have to move on or we will never be truly happy,and that effects relationships deeply.
With luck your dg may ask about you one day and hopefully you will have some sort of relationship.
I wish we all had hyndsight as we do foresight but it`s not the case sadly.

I think it’s pretty clear your DS sees your history and relationship differently than you do. As precious posters have said, you don’t have a right to see your grandchild and if your DS doesn’t want to see you then there’s not much you can do about it except work on your issues for yourself.

Maybe she sees her behaviour as being loyal to your son. The only information she has about you is from him.

I understand your distress, but quite simply you have no rights to see your grandchild. Tragic though your situation is you must seek help, counselling or some other therapy to help you cope with this sadness in your life.

Hi not sure what as happened in your past but that’s your business. I’ve also got one of them daughter inlaws lol got one who is brilliant but the other one well she just took a disliking to me and my other son from day one and I have tried on so many occasions. But only so much you can do. I give up on her a few years ago. My son visits me and his brother and his wife and nephews. He always comes moaning about her to us. Personally I think she was just jealous because we are close neat family. But her and sister and mum also slate their dad off and he’s done nothing. He’s actually a quite nice man from what I’ve seen. My son as a child from his first wife and she is even jealous of her.she now as a child of her own and I’m not expecting a good relationship with her. Because ever since she was born she comes up with excuse why I can’t visit. I don’t live local so I have to travel. Obviously covid stopped me but now she is lol

were you in any way to blame for what happened to him as a child?

A mother protects her child like a tiger. If your son has relayed negative experiences during his own upbringing she will be trying to protect her child.

Very tough on you though, especially if those negative experiences were not of your making.

Bibbity

* I believe my son has told her all the negative stuff that happened to him as a child*

So. What happened.

None of your or my business.

We cant play judge and jury.

We too are only human like the op.

M0nica

I understand your distress, but quite simply you have no rights to see your grandchild. Tragic though your situation is you must seek help, counselling or some other therapy to help you cope with this sadness in your life.

Sad but the only way to go.

Well said, Namsnanny.

Oops! I meant about the past being none of our business.

Doodledog

Oops! I meant about the past being none of our business.

well I kind of agree, but there is a dripfeed gap here....

because "he misses his family" but also "This is my son's partner choice and never once I have spoken out against her. I believe my son has told her all the negative stuff that happened to him as a child and while I can't change that,I also believe that he should work on letting go of his past."

I don't think its right for ANYBODY to have views on how people should deal with past "negative stuff" especially not the people who were involved in it and especially especially not the people who were part of it or to blame.

Doodledog

Well said, Namsnanny.

thanks

I agree, greenlady, but not with the OP being asked to say on here what the negative things were. This is nowhere near as private a place as a lot of people think, and neither is it a confessional.

I'm so sorry that you are having to live with the pain of estrangement 5fatkittenz.

It does look from your OP that it is your d.i.l. who has been instrumental in bringing about the loss of your son and GC, something that many EP's have had to face.

You say your son said in December that he misses his family and that until his wife became pregnant you got on "great", so this certainly looks as if this is due to his wife not wanting anything at all to do with you, rather than any hurt and/or resentment your son has toward you because of his past.

It is hard to accept that there's nothing you can do and also your son's part in all of this. Your GS isn't her son, he is their son and it's up to your son to enable their child to see his paternal GP's.

GP's have no rights to see their GC but children do have the right to know their extended family which of course includes GP's.

Your d.i.l. also preventing your D's, her husband's sisters from seeing the child smacks of control and the possibility that she is using coercive control with your son. The 'timing' of the pregnancy also springs to mind.

Unfortunately, as you have only ever met her 3 times, it does look as if she'd decided to dislike you from the start and if this is because of what your son has said about his past, one wonders why she has been so judgemental of you when your son was still very much a part of your life, and you his.

Maybe she suspects or even knows that he was expressing his dissatisfaction with their relationship to you, and if she is exercising coercive control, like all abusers she'll want to distance her 'victim' from anyone whose influence may be stronger than her own.

There is, what ever the reason(s) for this estrangement, nothing you can do accept wait and hope that there'll be a change.

It's good that you are having therapy and the reason why estrangement is referred too as a living bereavement is because that's precisely what it is.

You may want to take a look at the 'Support for all living with estrangement' thread on the Estrangement forum where you will find others who share your experience, myself included, and will offer what ever help and support that we can.

It’s not the forums business, but it certainly is dIls. Whatever her son has shared has triggered her momma bear instincts. She’s protecting her child. If your son wants you to meet your grandchild, he would do so.