Gransnet forums


Right or wrong.

(62 Posts)
Edge26 Mon 20-Sep-21 21:03:47

Today my OH had a day off work so we could have a day out together. He has to book well in advance. I look after my 2 GS's on Wed and Fri afternoon when my DIL is at work, ( son is in bed as he works nights ) ,Over the weekend my one GS has been a bit poorly with a stomach bug. This morning my son rang me to tell me that the doctor was going to ring sometime in the afternoon and if he had to take him to the surgery could I give him a lift. ( DIL works on a Mon pm, so he looks after the boys, she is at home with them Tues and Thurs ) When I said that we were going out for the day he went ballistic and said that I should be there for the GC as it was more important. It upset me as I do often go out of my way to help out, and I was looking forward to the day out. I didn't back down and we went out for the day. When we got back early evening I had a msg to ask if I could ring my son as he wanted to ask a favour. I did this and asked him what the favour was but he said it didn't matter as my DIL had come home earlier. Basically he just wanted to have a go at me and accused me of being a bad parent and grandparent and saying I was selfish and I should put them first before my OH when things like this occur. My OH and I haven't really done a lot together like this because of Covid etc and was looking forward to this. What do you other Grans think please, was I right or wrong.

Grandmabatty Mon 20-Sep-21 21:10:04

Of course you weren't wrong to say you had plans. Your son did back down later though and presumably was stressed in the morning,so I would be inclined to forget this.

freedomfromthepast Mon 20-Sep-21 21:13:39

You are not wrong in taking time for yourself and saying no.

Fleur20 Mon 20-Sep-21 21:15:19

I trust you got a proper apology.
His child....his problem.
He is very lucky you do the child care you already do.
If he throws another tantrum like this you need to reconsider the entire arrangement.

CafeAuLait Tue 21-Sep-21 00:13:34

Your son is wrong. You don't have to be at his beck and call and are allowed to have an outing. You do a lot for them already. Your son can take an uber or taxi if he doesn't have his own transport. 100% on your side here.

nanna8 Tue 21-Sep-21 00:19:14

He is a rude man and you have your own life to lead. You did your bit raising your own children, he has to take responsibility for his. I hope he has apologised to you because he owes you one. You sound like a lovely, caring grandma and he is so lucky to have you. Not worth falling out over but stick to your guns !

Ro60 Tue 21-Sep-21 00:36:12

Your son is wrong - you are the Grand parents- and surely a child wants it's parents when they're ill.
Hope he's calmed down x

Hithere Tue 21-Sep-21 01:01:10

Was there any reason why he couldn't take his two kids to the doctor?

You have the right to decide what to do with your own time.

welbeck Tue 21-Sep-21 01:15:51

you are not his staff.
he needs to have contingency plans; get a taxi, or ask friends or neighbours to drive them to doctors.
anyway, with a tummy problem it's usually advisable to isolate.
perhaps you do too much for them with childcare, and they've started to take you and your services for granted.

justwokeup Tue 21-Sep-21 01:43:42

I may be completely off the mark but I wondered if your OH is DS’s father? DS is being unreasonable and may be upset that you prioritised OH over himself and his family. Having said that you were absolutely right to stick to your guns. You could have stayed in all day and not been needed. I agree with Cafe that he should take a taxi if necessary.

Hetty58 Tue 21-Sep-21 02:50:48

Crikey - how dare your son act that way? I'd be very annoyed with him. No car - get a cab!

Humbertbear Tue 21-Sep-21 06:53:51

Fleur20 is correct - his child, his problem. We help when we can and you should not be at their beck and call.

J52 Tue 21-Sep-21 07:36:03

You are not in the wrong. Many of us didn’t have Grandparents on tap to look after our children at the drop of a hat.
We managed and either took time off work, got taxis or had a plan B in place.

fatgran57 Tue 21-Sep-21 07:45:21

You are not in the wrong.

As Wellbeck so rightly said - you are not his staff.

His children and his responsibility.

How dare he speak to you in this manner. I am angry to think that adult children are so entitled.

Maggiemaybe Tue 21-Sep-21 08:26:49


Of course you weren't wrong to say you had plans. Your son did back down later though and presumably was stressed in the morning,so I would be inclined to forget this.

I can’t see anything in the OP about him backing down, Grandmabatty.

I can only agree with others on here - your DS is out of order and welbeck puts it so well - You are not his staff.

Edge26 Tue 21-Sep-21 08:29:12

just woke up,
Yes, OH is not his father ( his real father passed away many years ago ) , so what you mentioned is probably correct.

Soozikinzi Tue 21-Sep-21 08:29:52

I also agree with that expression you are not his staff . You are entitled to a pleasant day out . It’s surprising how quickly kind offers of help become routine and taken for granted. Hope you managed to enjoy your day after that !

Bibbity Tue 21-Sep-21 08:46:09

Wow. His audacity and entitlement is very very overinflated honestly I would call him and read him the riot act. Put him in his place.

Let him know that their very privileged and comfortable childcare arrangement is solely by your kindness and good grace. And should it not be appreciated he can shove it where the sun doesn't shine. smile

eazybee Tue 21-Sep-21 08:52:18

Another entitled adult child.
Tell him to get a taxi.

Greyduster Tue 21-Sep-21 08:52:20

I hope you had a nice day out, and I hope on the way you went round and gave as you as you got! You didn’t deserve that and if you don’t get an apology, pull the shutters down on the rest of your commitment to them until he shows some contrition.

Franbern Tue 21-Sep-21 08:52:21

Do hope you has a lovely day out.
Problem can become that the more you do to help adult children, the more you are expected to do. So your son, is just seeing you as always there whenever he feels he has need of you.
You need to make it very, very clear that, although you are happy to help out on occasions, you and your OH have your own lives to lead - and, except in real major emergencies - that takes priority.
I had a friend who always dropped any arrangement if one of her AC suddenly needed her help. Result was that she ended up with very few friends of her own, and no life of her own. Not appreciated at all by AC. They were always nicer and politer to me than they were to her.
The occasional 'Sorry - no can do', is an excellent reminder that you have done your part in child-rearing and are now carrying on with you life. Their children, their responsibilities.

25Avalon Tue 21-Sep-21 08:59:42

I know who the selfish one is here Edge26 and it’s not you. Your son acted like a spoilt child. He was totally wrong. It does sound like he is jealous of your dh and all his resentment spilled out. I hope it didn’t spoil your day out too much. We all want to help our children even when they are grown up but they must accept we are entitled to lives of our own, and they must live up to their own responsibilities.

sodapop Tue 21-Sep-21 09:01:06

I agree with Franbern you cannot and should not be available at the drop of a hat to help out, you do have your own life Edge . When things have settled down its time to have a chat with your son and clarify exactly what you are prepared to do.

Yammy Tue 21-Sep-21 09:05:06

I got the message very early on from my DML your child your responsibility. My own parents especially my father would drop anything to help. I had to be careful not to ask too much or take him for granted. We lived away so no child care not even when in hospital at Christmas with the second DH coped alone.'I didn't ask mine as there had been a death in the family.
My parents would offer to have them at their house or ours for us to have a weekend break no such offers from the other half.
In fact, after my FIL died she tried to get my father to ferry her around, my mother put a stop to that.
His child his responsibility he has to cope and you have a life of your own with your OH. Make it plain would they change their plans for you? Probably not, care and kindness is a two-way thing.

Germanshepherdsmum Tue 21-Sep-21 09:09:53

How rude of him. I bet that took the shine off your day out. You did the right thing. Why couldn’t the child’s mother have taken time off work?