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Grandparenting

Running away

(19 Posts)
Neen Sat 16-Oct-21 23:50:38

Does anyone ever think why do I do it.
I've done my share. You set a boundary and then up breaking it yourself and take on more responsibilities. Then it makes you feel like running away . But equally if being asked for help, they must need it.
Ahhh I love all my grandchildren very much but sometimes I don't have the answers and it's hard to see your child hurting and get children hurting, so you try and do more but shouldn't.

Neen Sat 16-Oct-21 23:51:16

Her not get

VioletSky Sun 17-Oct-21 00:03:32

You can't set yourself on fire to keep others warm.

Do what you can when you can without harming yourself.

Plan your self care and train yourself to say no without excuses, just no.

As much as we love others, we can't be strong for them if we don't take care of ourselves

Blossoming Sun 17-Oct-21 00:13:01

As much as we love others, we can't be strong for them if we don't take care of ourselves

This, absolutely.

Namsnanny Sun 17-Oct-21 00:22:18

But some times we dont know we are harming our selves until it's too late.

If they ask they must need it. no need to make their lives worse by not helping, is there?
So this makes the situation very difficult to refuse.

Hope you can cope Neen?

MissAdventure Sun 17-Oct-21 00:35:57

I think it's just as well to encourage a measure of self reliance, or else you aren't really helping, are you?

grannyactivist Sun 17-Oct-21 01:26:40

Neen you’re touching a sore spot tonight.

We have a family member who has a severe mental illness and he calls me often as I am his support person. This evening he’s having a paranoid psychotic episode that requires emergency intervention from the Mental Health Crisis Team.

There simply is no-one else to deal with him, but me. When I die other family members will keep on trying, but he needs the sort of specialist help that I’ve learned on the job, as it were. I genuinely care about him; before he became ill in his teens he was the loveliest, gentle boy and he did not contribute to his illness in any way. (Many previous generations of his birth family needed psychiatric care.)

It’s Saturday night, I’ve done a full week’s work and I really wanted, and planned, to spend the evening relaxing. Now I’m full of adrenalin and wondering what’s been happening as a result of the calls I had to make earlier.

I do try to protect myself and tonight I flatly refused to take responsibility for making the necessary referrals myself, but there is no option in a crisis not to help.

sodapop Sun 17-Oct-21 09:05:00

MissAdventure

I think it's just as well to encourage a measure of self reliance, or else you aren't really helping, are you?

Spot on for me MissA

That's hard grannyactivist your family member is lucky you care so much and are able to help.

Smileless2012 Sun 17-Oct-21 09:13:52

It's called love Neen. It's very hard if not impossible at times to pull back, to not stretch yourself beyond your physical and emotional capabilities for those you love.

I hope that whatever it is your family's going through, you'll get the help you need to be there for them and provide the care that's neededflowers.

I hope you managed to get some sleep grannyactivist and that everything's OKflowers.

Namsnanny Sun 17-Oct-21 11:25:45

Grannyactivistflowers
I suppose we have to accept that each situation is different, and some of us fail at self reliance.

Namsnanny Sun 17-Oct-21 11:28:27

Neen flowers

M0nica Sun 17-Oct-21 11:47:38

if they ask, they must need it I am not sure that is true. There are plenty of people, not just AC, but every kind of relationship who make a habit of asking people to help when they could well manage on their own but know they have people around them, often grandparents that they can unload responsibilities onto.

When your children ask for help, have a good look at the problem before you uncritically offer help. Are there alternative ways to deal with the problem. Would your chcildren benefit with having to deal with the problem themselves instead of expecting you to be the solution.

Think outside the box.

Enid101 Sun 17-Oct-21 11:52:35

VioletSky

You can't set yourself on fire to keep others warm.

Do what you can when you can without harming yourself.

Plan your self care and train yourself to say no without excuses, just no.

As much as we love others, we can't be strong for them if we don't take care of ourselves

Violet sky, that’s such a good phrase about setting yourself on fire. I’m going to adopt it as my mantra! Thankyou!!

Namsnanny Sun 17-Oct-21 12:47:09

Think outside the box? If that means judge each situation on it's own merits, then of course.

grannyactivist Sun 17-Oct-21 14:00:43

Well I hardly slept and my relative was NOT contacted by the Mental Health crisis team last night. Every time someone harms themselves, or someone else, when experiencing a psychotic episode the phrase, “lessons will be learned” is bandied about, but it’s just not true. If someone with a known mental illness is saying they have an uncontrollable urge to harm people and the crisis team ignore the information what “lesson” has been learned? 😡

M0nica Sun 17-Oct-21 20:24:34

Namsnanny I think it is easy to get fixed into a pattern of behaviour. If AC ask for help, they must need it, i will do what they need. It is putting yourself into a box of unthinking automatic responses. Come out of the box,step back and analyse the situation before you decide what your response will be and, with an open mind, consider responses beyond the knee jerk one.

Neen Mon 18-Oct-21 05:41:19

Wow. What an interesting read and I certainly don't feel alone now .
Thank you

Grammaretto Mon 18-Oct-21 08:20:24

Neen like when you were at work: Book a holiday and tell everyone you need time off.

grannyactivist flowers and zzzzz

Bungle Wed 20-Oct-21 12:32:43

I understand exactly how you feel. It's so hard not to always be there when needed. I feel like it's my job to ensure my children are all managing ok and be there if not. Hard to put yourself first. Take care xx