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Grandparenting

HOW WOULD YOU HANDLE THIS?

(74 Posts)
Nicolette2022 Wed 13-Apr-22 00:52:28

Hi everyone. I hope I am posting this in the right forum. Myself and husband have had a frosty relationship with our daughter for a few years now. Everything was fine prior to her moving 40 miles away and in with her boyfriend. Before moving we would babysit our granddaughter when she worked and had been a big part of her life since her birth.
We currently see our 7 year old GD fortnightly where we have her for the day. A lot's been going on at her home so we offered to have her overnight as a way of distracting her and which was initially agreed upon. We both work long hours and overnight is just a bit too much normally. However my daughter watches her nightly via room cam, even though she lives in a small house and is now insisting that we do the same, which doesn't sit particularly well with me anyway. I initially agreed before discovering that my daughter will also be connecting to the camera remotely and effectively spying on us. She would have the ability to talk to GD and us ( if in her bedroom ) via the cam. We find this so disrespectful to clearly not be trusted to look after her properly, not to mention very unsettling. We tackled our daughter about it today and the upshot is GD is not staying overnight after she insisted the camera would be coming regardless.
Any advice would be appreciated but at the end of the day this is my home and at the age of 7 our GD is just too old to be monitored like this.

User7777 Wed 13-Apr-22 01:40:25

Hi nicolette, that's just awful. Spying on you.... what is she worried the child might say....

Hithere Wed 13-Apr-22 01:49:30

Her daughter her rules

There could be a reason why your dd wants a cam, maybe it is the first sleep over and dd or gd is anxious

Not worth fighting it

Oopsadaisy1 Wed 13-Apr-22 04:20:31

I think she either trusts you to have her without the camera or you don’t have the child to stay, I certainly wouldn’t want it, especially if she is talking to the child when she should be sleeping.
Does the child sleepwalk or have nightmares? Ask your DD why she wants a camera in the room.

nadateturbe Wed 13-Apr-22 05:02:16

Unless there is some important reason like a medical condition or walking, it's ridiculous to do this.

nadateturbe Wed 13-Apr-22 05:03:14

Amended

Unless there is some important reason like a medical condition or sleepwalking, it's ridiculous to do this.

Carenza123 Wed 13-Apr-22 05:47:42

This seems very invasive in your home. Your house - your rules.

V3ra Wed 13-Apr-22 05:47:43

It sounds like a trust issue, but who doesn't your daughter trust?
Your granddaughter?
Her boyfriend?
You?
Your husband?
Is your granddaughter happy to have the camera watching her?

I'd certainly be taken aback by the insistence on it but I think I'd work round it rather than not have my granddaughter to stay.
At seven years old it would be perfectly possible not to go in her bedroom yourselves, and you don't have to look at your granddaughter on the camera monitor if you feel you don't want to.

Sara1954 Wed 13-Apr-22 06:24:34

I’m afraid I wouldn’t want this, I can’t see what her reasons are for wanting this, has she given any?
I think it’s becoming more common to have cameras in your home, but I would find it really invasive, and having a camera in a bedroom is surely an intrusion of privacy, even a young child needs somewhere to go to get away from it all

Nicolette2022 Wed 13-Apr-22 06:34:53

GD doesn't have any medical issues. I feel she is now overly dependent on my daughter now after being watched on camera so closely. It just doesn't sit well with me at all. She needs privacy, as we all do and her emotional development seems to be stunted as she is very young for a 7 year old.
There isn't much point in having her sleep over because my daughter will still be parenting her via a camera in our home. If she thinks we are doing something wrong or not the way she wants us to she will be texting. It's like supervised access. We are very hurt by this and her spying on us via camera is a step too far.

Sara1954 Wed 13-Apr-22 08:15:17

Nicolette
I would feel the same, I think it’s horrible that the poor child never has any privacy, I don’t understand your daughters reason for it, has something happened to make her so suspicious?

Nicolette2022 Thu 14-Apr-22 01:45:06

Sara1954

Nicolette
I would feel the same, I think it’s horrible that the poor child never has any privacy, I don’t understand your daughters reason for it, has something happened to make her so suspicious?

The camera was originally meant for the car at night, so it's a surveillance camera. Somehow my daughter decided it was a better idea to use it on GD. She can also talk to her through it and zoom in and out. Now GD seems anxious when alone at night and I this has caused it. It would be strange enough if it was just an average baby monitor with audio.

Nicolette2022 Thu 14-Apr-22 01:48:34

V3ra

It sounds like a trust issue, but who doesn't your daughter trust?
Your granddaughter?
Her boyfriend?
You?
Your husband?
Is your granddaughter happy to have the camera watching her?

I'd certainly be taken aback by the insistence on it but I think I'd work round it rather than not have my granddaughter to stay.
At seven years old it would be perfectly possible not to go in her bedroom yourselves, and you don't have to look at your granddaughter on the camera monitor if you feel you don't want to.

My daughter would be on the phone if she happens to be viewing the camera and finds GD awake or up playing so us not viewing it wouldn't be an option unfortunately.

Sara1954 Thu 14-Apr-22 05:58:36

I have to say I find this more than a little weird.
What on earth is she expecting to see?

BlueBelle Thu 14-Apr-22 06:22:15

Very very strange I ve never come across this or heard of anyone doing it
Presumable the camera only shows the bedroom your granddaughter is in, so not invasive of you or your home
Totally wrong for your granddaughter and I wouldn’t want to be part of it, I m afraid I wouldn’t use it I think it will be very damaging to the little girl

Doodledog Thu 14-Apr-22 06:47:35

Hithere

Her daughter her rules

There could be a reason why your dd wants a cam, maybe it is the first sleep over and dd or gd is anxious

Not worth fighting it

Seriously? No room for negotiation? In the OP’s own home?

I think that this needs a conversation if possible. If the child is happier knowing she can talk to her mum, for instance, that would put a different slant on things.

Nicolette, can you suggest that the camera is only switched on when your granddaughter is alone in the room? That way, there is no question of you being monitored (I would strongly object to that!) and the arrangement would be between your daughter and granddaughter.

I think it sounds very unhealthy, but ultimately it is your daughter’s call. Where you come into it is that it is your home, and I think that you do have a say about what happens there. You do, however, need to be prepared for being told that it’s your daughter’s way or the highway, and have decided what you would do if that happened.

nadateturbe Thu 14-Apr-22 08:24:39

It sounds very unhealthy and its not normal for a child to be observed in this way and to never have privacy.. I feel it will harm the little girl mentally. I would be seeking advice from Social Services.

Shelmiss Thu 14-Apr-22 08:28:40

This is so wrong on so many levels. Your house, your rules, this is definitely not normal.

aggie Thu 14-Apr-22 08:29:49

Why do you want to have the child overnight ? If her home is so disruptive and she needs the camera for reassurance just go with it .
It all sounds really odd

sodapop Thu 14-Apr-22 08:51:53

This is not usual Nicolette2022 I think you need to find out what the problem is with your daughter. Sounds like she is overly concerned about safety and this is affecting her daily life and family around her. You should get some help with this before it escalates to more unreasonable proportions. In the meantime I would go along with it but offer reassurance and try to find a reason for her behaviour.

eazybee Thu 14-Apr-22 09:02:27

I would be curious as to why your daughter feels it necessary to monitor her daughter's behaviour in her bedroom, but I don't feel it is to spy on you. You say the relations with your daughter are frosty, so I don't suppose it would be easy to have a friendly chat about the necessity for the camera. It may be that she is an anxious mother, or the daughter won't stay in bed, or for reassurance when she can't sleep, but that is a family thing.
The important thing is to maintain a relationship with your granddaughter and continue her fortnightly visits. She may be apprehensive about sleeping forty miles away from home even with people she knows and loves so let it go and don't make an issue out of it. Things may change.

Smileless2012 Thu 14-Apr-22 09:12:32

I think you did the right thing by refusing to have this camera in your home Nicolette.

I wouldn't allow it unless there's a very good reason and none appears to have been given. It's unhealthy for your GD and your D.

V3ra Thu 14-Apr-22 09:13:35

My daughter would be on the phone if she happens to be viewing the camera and finds GD awake or up playing so us not viewing it wouldn't be an option unfortunately.

Are you saying your daughter would expect you to be watching the monitor all the time? Overnight?
Does your daughter do this, does she never sleep?

Pepper59 Thu 14-Apr-22 09:51:22

Sorry, I think this is weird. What exactly is the camera needed for? I think you need to discuss this whole situation with your daughter. What about your grandchild's privacy?

GillT57 Thu 14-Apr-22 13:07:40

This is seriously weird, your GD needs privacy and your daughter is making her unnecessarily over dependant upon her. Frankly, the first thing I thought was that she was worried about what your GD would tell you.