Gransnet forums


Where do I draw the line..

(53 Posts)
JaydeeTas Sun 15-May-22 13:21:32

My son and daughter in law has a 7 week old. This is their first baby. I am wondering if I am over stepping the mark with advice.. They take it well when I offer it but, somethings they just won't change.

As I'm typing this, it is raining and 13c. It is also 10:15pm.

They like to send me a photo of a night. They sent one 9:15pm tonight with wind warnings and they aren't home.. When I enquired, they said they were just leaving.

They aren't always well prepared either. Usually when they visit me, I give them a blanket or change of clothes to take him home.

How do I stress my concern without over stepping.. or am I being too involved??

SueDonim Sun 15-May-22 13:25:38

What do you mean they ‘send a photo of a night’? A picture of the sunset? Leaving where? Going where? Are they driving, walking?

Assuming the baby is being kept safe, I’d leave them to it.

JaneJudge Sun 15-May-22 13:27:27

I think she means they send her a photo in the evening, rather than of the sky itself

JaydeeTas Sun 15-May-22 13:27:41

Ohh that was a typo..
I was meant to say it is raining with wind warnings tonight.
They usually send me a photo of a night time when he is sleeping.

JaneJudge Sun 15-May-22 13:28:07

I think I'd ask them not to send me texts that might worry me, especially in the evening

JaydeeTas Sun 15-May-22 13:29:04

I just worry. They are new parents and haven't realised they need to think about priorities. They are literally visiting friends every day..

Beanutz2115 Sun 15-May-22 13:30:45

When my kids were little my MIL was horrified I dressed the children in black sock or dark trousers. Sometimes we would take the babies out later in the evening- that was wrong too. I didn’t listen.
They have to do what is best for them.

Grandmabatty Sun 15-May-22 13:33:32

It's not your baby. If they want to visit friends then that's up to them. Were you this involved in their life before the baby? I think you should take a big step back. Don't offer advice unless they ask for it. I'm sure it's coming from a good place, but this is their child, not yours,to bring up their way.

Teacheranne Sun 15-May-22 13:34:26

I think you need to step back and not offer advice all the time, the baby is only seven weeks old and patents like to do things their own way - ideas on how to look after a baby will have changed since you had your children.

Why do you need to give them spare clothes or a blanket when they are going home, don’t they bring enough warm things with them? If they are in a car, the baby will be warm enough without extra layers, indeed, current thinking is that it’s harmful to make a baby too hot, especially when asleep.

I’d back off, enjoy your time with the baby and leave the new parents to bring up their child their way.

Visgir1 Sun 15-May-22 13:59:30

It's their baby, sure they are very protective over it. No need to worry about it.
If they are happy, baby will be happy.
It's lovely your a caring Grandparent, just go with the flow.

HousePlantQueen Sun 15-May-22 14:04:16

Actually, referring to the always visiting friends comment, I found that my children were very portable at that age! As long as they are snug, fed and clean, they can be taken anywhere at any time. It is when they get older and mobile that the difficulties start!

SueDonim Sun 15-May-22 14:11:43

Agreed Houseplantqueen! Our first was born in the very hot summer of 1975 and we couldn’t put him to bed in a room that was 90deg. We took him out in the evenings, to friends, to the pub (shock horror!), to the beach, to relatives. He can still sleep any and everywhere. grin

M0nica Sun 15-May-22 14:48:12

JayDee Tas The first lesson of grandparenting is that how our grandchild is brought up is nothing to do with us. Beyond Grandma's rules in Grandma's house. Such as 'food and drink stay in the kitchen', the child's upbringing is entirely in the hands of the parents, you can only interfere if the child is at real risk of physical harm.

If they are disorganised that is their business, nothing to do with you. Do not get involved.

DS and DDiL are in their 50s, they are both academics and still live like students. They are not tidy and they have brought their children up very differently, but at 15 and 12, I have two happy secure grandchildren, both doing well at school, although DGD, the one tidy one in the house does fantasise of having a house of her own that would be very tidy!

Fleur20 Sun 15-May-22 15:02:55

Their baby.... their rules.
Unless the child is in danger I would keep my opinions to myself.
Best way to keep contact going forward.
Times have changed.

Hithere Sun 15-May-22 15:12:10

You are already overstepping

Give only advice when they ask you.

"I am wondering if I am over stepping the mark with advice.. They take it well when I offer it but, somethings they just won't change."
If you expect things to change based on your preferences, you are in for a hard reality - it is not going to happen according to your preferences
They are going to do things your way, not yours.

Their baby, their parenting style.

Mine Sun 15-May-22 15:18:11

Think as grandparents it's best just go observe quietly and keep our opinions to ourselves...You won't get any thanks for trying to interfere even in a kindly way...Just love and enjoy being a granny and hand them back to mum and dad...

BlueBelle Sun 15-May-22 15:24:03

I m not understanding are you saying that you know where they all are every evening? That’s so intrusive what time they go home or where they are is no one’s business but theirs
Why on earth do you need nightly pictures of him sleeping
Most parents of adult children haven’t a clue where their children are and it’s absolutely no business of yours, whether they visit friends, or go to bed at 8 pm or midnight
In answer to your question yes you are way way too involved and need to back off a lot

Elizabeth27 Sun 15-May-22 16:22:14

If the parents need any advice they will google it, do not give advice as it will probably be out of date.

You probably parented differently from your parents, times change.

Just enjoy being a grandma.

Loulelady Sun 15-May-22 17:20:07

For most of human history and even today if we are talking globally, most babies have not been “put to bed” in a room away from other people.
Their baby will sleep when it needs to wherever and at this age until around 9 months, is the most portable it will be for a number of years.

I’m impressed they have the energy for all this visiting! They are obviously coping brilliantly. A friend of ours had her 2 week old asleep in a pram at a formal dinner dance. I was still glued to the sofa in a daze at that point and lucky to be showered and dressed.

Babies are more at risk of overheating rather than being too cold in our modern cars and homes, stop following them around with blankets etc. This was something Health Visitors and baby books really rammed home when mine were babies and I had a real battle with my own MIL putting woolly hats and blankets on my baby when I left the (very warm) room. You are lucky they are very chilled parents and you haven’t already really annoyed them. Really try to stop yourself interfering if you value your relationship.

Athrawes Sun 15-May-22 18:11:51

I too feel you should leave well alone. It's not easy, but they are the parents and if you have a good relationship - which seems that you have - they will ask for help if they need it. Enjoy your grandchild

Ladyleftfieldlover Sun 15-May-22 18:15:05

Please don’t interfere. It’s not your baby.

VioletSky Sun 15-May-22 18:29:08

This sounds a bit of a disaster waiting to happen...

They might be patient with unwanted advice now but it will probably run out.

If that baby catches a sniffle and you say anything about your "advice" or their lifestyle or parenting I can just see the fallout now..

Please stop for the sake of your future relationship. This isn't your baby and there are many ways to be a good parent

JaydeeTas Sun 15-May-22 20:13:00

I am not sure why they send me nightly pictures. The advice has been around sleeping routine because they find it hard to keep him down during the night. I have never asked for them to be sent.
You are all right though.. It is their baby and it is coming from a good place. I have always said to them that I don't want them to feel I am intruding and to let me know if they feel that way but, more than likely, they do feel that way and don't want to say anything..
On the flip side though, they do bring me in to. This whole saga started tonight because they need formula and nappies to because they have no money to buy more.. what do I do.. just keep on supporting them financially and not say anything?

JaydeeTas Sun 15-May-22 20:39:30

Just to clarify.. the saga is with myself. I want to leave them to raise their son but, they ask for financial support and advice. I want to help obviously and don't begrudge them for wanting to socialise. I'm only in my 40s and feel like a modern grandma.

Now re-reading this thread, I am going to step back and just enjoy my grandson when I can. If they need me, they will ask. smile

Hithere Sun 15-May-22 21:15:46

When they ask for help - why not follow the teach them to fish vs giving them the goods?