HELP me to Help my MIL!

Suggest she joins Gransnet.
We’ll put her right

Good plan, Maw

What a ghastly situation you find yourselves in, I do feel for you. On one hand I’m thinking keep her at arms length because she is not genuinely respecting your boundaries….the fact you’ve had to point them out at all, is worrying. BUT your MIL sounds extreme to a most uncomfortable degree. Keep your boundary’s in place, limit contact and don’t reward bad behavior until you trust she is being a grandmother and not a stand-in Mum. Hopefully she will learn, I suspect it could take awhile, but together with your supportive partner I suspect you will need to stay firm. She sounds a very determined lady.

My daughter had this. The MIL even bought a pram ( horrible old fashioned thing) and set up a nursery. She got over it, of course, as will your MIL I am sure !

MawtheMerrier

Suggest she joins Gransnet.
We’ll put her right

Ooooh dear.

@maw i wish there was a heart button for that lol!

My goodness, MooMoo22, you have been through the mill. She's a lucky MIL to have you as a DIL as you are still prepared to work through this with her.
I'm not sure that there is much you can do except set your boundaries and stick to them with your husband being the one to do the talking. Obviously reassure her that she will one day have a close bond with your child and then let her sort our her emotions. It sounds like she has a problem with disappointment and needs some help, to be honest. Is your FIL around? Perhaps he would be able to help her understand where the boundaries are if your husband talked to him.

She sounds an absolute nightmare.
Your boyfriend and you need to be united and stand firm, sounds like you are together on this which is good.

Would it help to put your thoughts down in writing and send her a letter? Spell out quite clearly your concerns and explain how her entitled behaviour is upsetting you?
She's got no right to spoil this special time in your lives with her thick-skinned selfishness.

Sorry to be blunt but a lot of what you say rings bells for me; I had to stand my ground years ago as well.
She'll respect you for it in the long run.

icanhandthemback

My goodness, MooMoo22, you have been through the mill. She's a lucky MIL to have you as a DIL as you are still prepared to work through this with her.
I'm not sure that there is much you can do except set your boundaries and stick to them with your husband being the one to do the talking. Obviously reassure her that she will one day have a close bond with your child and then let her sort our her emotions. It sounds like she has a problem with disappointment and needs some help, to be honest. Is your FIL around? Perhaps he would be able to help her understand where the boundaries are if your husband talked to him.

Honestly sometimes he’s onside sometimes he’s not. More than often he defends the MIL as its his wife (which is fine) BUT it just reinforces her behaviour then.

Yes she is Autistic but shes very high functioning and she knows the difference between good and bad! She obviously wants to be a good grandparent but she just cannot get over this ‘im not the only mum around here’ hurdle! The FIL is pretty laid back, he see’s it and he will say things if shes overstepping but he doesn’t always and thats when she’s taken the inch given and she runs the mile and takes the Peter Ian Steaker!

We want her to around but we want her to see that we don’t need her hands in there doing things for us, were fine! If she does everything how do we learn?!

From what you say this lady has a serious problem. You will need unwavering support from your partner to rein her back. Her feelings are obviously overwhelming her, but she must learn to control her behaviour and her feelings if she is to have a relationship with you and the baby. That won't be easy because these kind of feelings are deep seated and not deliberate on her part. Try not to argue or get each other's backs up which would be easy to do. Tell her gently but firmly that she must assume the role of grandmother and not of mother, and if she can't manage this then she must get help. I do think coming on Gransnet is actually a good idea so guide her in this direction. I have seen many an overbearing gran told how to behave on here! If she gives a rundown of how she feels when she sees you with the baby that will be great. Only problem is she may see your post unless you ask Gransnet to take this thread down before she looks. I'm sure they will.

I took a very hard line with a toxic MIL. Eventually I told her that my DH was welcome to visit her but she was not welcome in my home. We were living in my flat of which I was the leaseholder so I had every right to say this.

I would go low/no contact for a few weeks and then impress that future contact with her grandchild is conditional on her respecting your boundaries.

You and your partner set the boundaries and when she breaks them, she leaves or you leave.

Cancel visits or interaction if she throws guilt trips - see her in 3 months or so

Throws another tantrum? Add a month to the break

Poor me email? Another month.... you get the idea

Honestly, this has nothing to do with being autistic, do not let her use that as an excuse

It is not your job to make her understand she is the grandmother

If she doesnt like the rules, she puts herself in the corner in a timeout.

Get ready for your fil to show another side of him if he intervenes on his wife's behalf

If your partner is not on your side, you and baby refuse to see your ILs and your partner can deal with them by himself

I had a break down when my son was younger and my sister took him in for a month. She now sees my grandson heaps more than I do and has never had the fences up that I have. But I have been given loads of visits and try and stick to the boundaries in place. DIL insulted me loads in the early days and now seems to want me more involved but I have retreated a bit due to trying to protect my feelings. Trouble is my family have always talked down to me and my son has grown up seeing me in this role. I don't think it is due to being a single parent as my sister is too. I do find online chats very hard as when I was my mum's full time carer I was in the middle of a barrage of hostile nastiness and am afraid it has affected my ability to be balanced online.
I really hope it all works out, she clearly does care but seems a bit of a loose cannon

Oh you poor thing! Just try to be firm, consistent and carry through on any stated consequences. In other words, treat her like the child she clearly is…. Seriously though, you need to stop this now because it can only get worse.

You used to be able to buy grandparents books maybe you could find a good one as a present and give it to her as a formal printed guide so she could see the expectation of difference is not just coming from you. However I doubt she would read it as she obviously needs the naughty step approach which hithere has outlined.

To be quite honest if as a new Mother I was experiencing that sort of behaviour then the MiL would have to be told do this again and you are not welcome in this house and you won't be seeing your Grandchild. I would then carry it out. I'm assuming you live in the UK where there are no legal Grandparent's Rights. If you are in the USA then it won't be as simple. She sounds to be a self-centred individual and it is impossible to reason with a personality like that. You have a baby and your OH to concentrate all your time and effort, do that.

You have a lot of patience I would have have asked her to go as I couldn't have coped with this invasion.

All I can suggest is very clear WRITTEN boundaries so it's clear all round including FiL and stick to them.

It may be simplest intitally just to lay down visiting times

You have obviously tried hard to explain and to understand. She is lucky that you are willing to do that.

I wonder if you have tried being specific, naming her behaviours and feelings as they happen as opposed to after the event in "discussions"?

So an example:
She gets so insulted and very obviously upset with me when the baby cries and wants to come back to me. My boyfriend noticed it today and said ‘my mum looked quite upset when he cried and you said ‘pass him here for 10 mins, he’ll just want a little drink and a comfort suckle’ which he did!

When it happens you say, at the time, whilst your son is having his comfort suckle: "Does it make you feel upset when he needs to come to his mum instead of you?" ...let her answer. If she says "No!" you can say "Oh OK, its just that I got that impression because you ..." and describe very dpecifically what gives that impression. If she says yes let her talk about it, and follow up as below.

This approach can then give you an opening to say things like "Did you find that your kids when little wanted you when they were upset?" "Did you find that breastfeeding was a great way to comfort your children when they were little? " etc.

In other words uou are both naming and describing her behaviours and your observations as they happen and reminding her of how she was as a mother and with her children.

I am wondering what she experienced as a mother from her parents/in laws as grandparents? Maybe you could ask questions/remind of that too. "BF tells me he loved going to ...when he was little. Did you like him having that special different relationship with them?" ...

Good luck

I would try and set a pattern and timetable for when she can visit, I deduce she lives close by, and if she comes outside these hours, then do not answer the door.

I would contact the massed family and say to them how happy you are that they love your son, but too many visitors too often are making it difficult to set up proper routines and, in this COVID age, you are conscious of the infection dangers to a small baby from too many people holding him and breathing on him. Perhaps, if he has a day when he seems a little bit unwell, or is teething, you could hurriedly cancel all visitors for a day or two because of the fear of infection. You can say that visiting is by pre-arranged visits only.

When your MiL is with you. Ignore her when she does something you do not want, take your baby and go for a walk alone or retreat to your bedroom with him and shut and lock the door to keep her out. if she acts sensibly, shower praise on her. It is what we do with children. Why shouldn't it work with adults.

You have a highly admirable partner. Standing up constantly to his own mother cannot be easy. Imagine yourself in his place in relation to your own mother, constantly having to admonish her and tell her to back off, so lavish praise on him, saying how well he is doing in such a difficult situation.

You are in a really difficult position, but seem to be handling it incredibly well. keep us posted.

You are amazing! I would have gone no contact by now!

Well now you ve said she’s high functioning autistic that explains a lot she is not getting it so you and your partner have to ‘train’ her and literally spell it out
I also don’t think you should be having loads of visitors around they cant all be autistic tell them you need breathing /bonding space and they can come when you are free
I would only have this large family come if invited and then in twos not en masse
I think it might be really helpful to find an adult autistic website and maybe you ll get some help from others or professionals who will have seen this obsessive behaviour before You need to be given coping skills She maybe high functioning but it’s obviously distressing her and you and everyone else will get caught up
I often feel sad my family being small but it has its advantages
Good luck stick to your guns but if you can do it kindly she obviously means well but sees life through different eyes

she is not getting it so you and your partner have to ‘train’ her and literally spell it out

Yes I agree and naming behaviours and having conversations as things happen is a good strategy in doing that.

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Hetty58

What a laugh, here we go again (this time with spelling errors - but not consistent) that mythical creature, the overenthusiastic granny who wants too much - along with the perennial boundaries issue. Send her to me, the one having a good old moan about babysitting yet again.

With spelling errors? Excuse me but what on earth are you talking about?

I have absolutely no idea who you are.