Grandchildren

I am not sure it is resentment I would feel, but it is a very big ask.
Not sure I have much wisdom about this, sorry.
What are social services saying about you taking them?
My instinct, and I could be very wrong, maybe to take the 10 year old. And visit the younger two whereever they are best put. For a couple years in the first instance.
If you take all 3, I would think you will get swamped very quickly. Not good for anyone.

My two pennies for now, for what it is worth.

Wow. That's a very tough scenario. I would suggest that you and your husband arrange an interview with the social worker to discuss the children's future, and to fast-track, if possible, diagnoses on the ones that may have Special Needs. You don't say how old you are, as you'll have 3 teenagers in a few years' time.

What an awful situation. I'm sure I would feel the same way you do, but you need to think of the future and ask yourself if you having the three children is in everyone's best interest. Who are they with now? What do your other 3 children think about it all? Can they offer any help?

I feel sorry for the situation you are in. I think you already know that you would be unable to cope with 3 children, especially in a 2 bedroomed house, I think it would be best to have a meeting with the Social Workers and tell them.
It’s very difficult, but I know that with the best will in the world I wouldn’t be able to do it.

you can't possibly do this, nor should you feel that you have to.
resist being guilt tripped into anything.
tell the social worker how you honestly feel.
i wish you all the best.

My heart goes out to you tinkestral and to the children. Such a sad and difficult situation. It seems important for you to have a serious conversation as soon as possible with the social worker. As others here have said well, you taking over is likely not in the best interest of you or the children in the long run.
You'll be in my thoughts as I wish you all the best.

What a sad situation tinkestral you are being put in an impossible situation. You do say that your son has alcohol problems if you could encourage him to seek help for this he could well turn into quite a different person and take some responsibility himself.
But whatever happens the children must come first be it with you or alternatively Foster care.

What a rotten situation for you. I haven’t a clue what to suggest, but if I were in your shoes I know I wouldn’t be able to cope.
As Oopsadaisy has said, a two bedroomed property isn’t big enough to house you all. Have you spoken to social services? I think that’s your first step. Sending hugs. 💐

This is a horrendous situation for you and your husband (and the poor children) You don’t say anything about your relationship with the children which I find odd…. do they relate to you ? are they close to you ? How do they behave together ? Are they loving, sad, does the older one look out for the other two?
First things first your son cannot continue living on your sofa he needs to be encouraged rigorously to get help for his drinking and move out Is the stoned mother now alone with three children two of whom are possibly special needs !!! How helpful are the social workers ? Surely that can’t continue

Do you have contact with your other three children? can they not help you in any ways temporarily (even with advice) …it just sounds as if you are shouldering it all yourself
How has this has been going on 10 years without social workers being involved before, has the older child’s schools not been worried or were they ok when it was just one child has it increased with the two little ones health needs , but they could be under the effects of drugs if they were born under the effects of drugs and are around a stoned mother all day perhaps its not mental health or autism but the effects of drugs in their system

First things first get other family help on board (if possible)
Get son to AA (or doctors help) and living/ dossing elsewhere you don’t say if he’s still drinking from your sofa, if he feels remorse, or is worried about his kids ???
So many questions unanswered such a dreadful muddle

SS will not be allowed to place 3 children in a two bedroomed property

I wish you well

Oh no what a terrible situation. It is very sad. I don’t think you should take the children in, even if you managed for a while it’s not in their best interest or yours. It’s not fair on them to be placed with you then having to be rehomed at a later date. Unless of course the parents get help quickly and can turn this around 🤞
I have a work colleague that took her granddaughter in aged eight, same problems with the parents, things went from bad to worse, the girl is 14 now and pregnant, so has been taken into care. The grandparents tried very hard, she gave up her job and now feels worse than ever. So many emotions.
Such a difficult situation. Your first instinct like mine would be to wade in and help, but not the best decision in the long term. I’ll be thinking of you.

Tinkestral this is a really hard situation, and I understand your reluctance in regard to taking the children on.

I'm a preschool teacher and have dealt with over a dozen children over the last 16 years who have ODD or are on the autism spectrum. From my experience the sooner the children are diagnosed the help they receive from psychologist, speech and behavioural therapists and doctors make a world of difference.

Good luck, it does take a village but that doesn't necessarily mean you or your husband.

You must feel as if you're living a nightmare tinkestral.

As has been suggested, talk to your other children. Don't ask them too, but they offer some practical help if you take the children on. The children's SW needs to know how you really feel and what you really think about this.

Whatever you decide, there's no shame in or any reason to feel guilty if the prospect of fostering them is too much. It would be awful if you were to take them in, only to find that you couldn't cope and then have to let them go.

Just thinking about doing so shows how much you love them.

Hi there and thank you so much for replying.
My son's older daughter has a god relationship with us and often stayed. The younger too didn't due to the fact they'd get so distressed leaving mum.
I haven't had the best relationship ship with the two youngest children as literally as soon as the 4 year was born my eldest son was going through chemo so I had to give more support to him and his young family.
The social service are aware we live in a 3bed house with another of 9ur grown up children who is leaving January to go to university.
I have sat and spoke to my sister at length as she has a autistic son whose in his early 20s and while he's a wonderful young man who I adore will never be able to live independently.
Were both 50 and relatively well. I admire my husband because he will not allow the children to go in to care. He says we're letting them down if we do x

tinkestral

Hi there and thank you so much for replying.
My son's older daughter has a god relationship with us and often stayed. The younger too didn't due to the fact they'd get so distressed leaving mum.
I haven't had the best relationship ship with the two youngest children as literally as soon as the 4 year was born my eldest son was going through chemo so I had to give more support to him and his young family.
The social service are aware we live in a 3bed house with another of 9ur grown up children who is leaving January to go to university.
I have sat and spoke to my sister at length as she has a autistic son whose in his early 20s and while he's a wonderful young man who I adore will never be able to live independently.
Were both 50 and relatively well. I admire my husband because he will not allow the children to go in to care. He says we're letting them down if we do x

Sorry meant 2 bed x

Well after reading your last post you can’t physically take in 3 children and their dad if your youngest child is still living at home for another 8 months at least and you only have two bedrooms
It’s an impossibility
What are the social workers expecting
At very most perhaps you could have the eldest child as you have a good relationship with her/him when your own child leaves in January but what’s to do now
If the two younger ones get very distressed at leaving their mum then coming to you is definitely not the answer

First it seems to need both parents to get separate help for their addictions, as they ve been together over ten years they must have some love for each other

What a difficult situation I don’t think the social workers can or should rely on you and your husband for all this and perhaps the youngest ones could go to a temporary Forster carer while the parents get themselves sorted out

I once knew grandparents who took on just one grandchild with autism, in the end the child went into foster care and the grandparents reverted to be grandparents who cared a great deal and saw the child regularly. I think this is a solution that your husband shouldn’t dismiss.

Just wanted to add my sympathies for your situation.
I think there are lots of conversations that need to take place before any decisions are taken. You need to be clear about what social services are proposing or offering. You need to talk to your DH and make sure you both appreciate each others views. If he wants to keep the children he should have a clear plan about how they will be cared for and accommodated including what he will contribute. He may be totally relying on you and that isn't fair.
There is also your DS and the children's mother. If one or both of them can beat their addiction they may be able to contribute to the care of the children in the future.
I hope you are able to work out something that will suit all of you and that will enable the children to go forward.

Op

Is your son still drinking?
Has he even attempted to go to aa or similar organization to manage it? Rehab? Has he reached rock bottom?

I admire your willingness to take the kids but consider- are you able to given them what they need? Stability, diagnosis for the 2 youngest and support sessions for speech therapy- for example, therapy for the oldest, etc

Also, what would visits from the mom look like?

You need to contact a lawyer and discuss every little aspect of this.

Financially, would you be ok with becoming a one income home with 3 adults and 3 kids?

In your post, you sound understandably overwhelmed with too much on your plate already - those kids deserve your full attention you cannot give them right now
Would you be willing to make the hard decisions for the children even if it means saying no to your son?

I think the fact is that if you take them all on, you are doing social services a huge service. Because if you refused to have them, they would have to find other solutions which would hugely complicate things for them.

As this is the case, are you in a position to insist on lots of support?

* Funded nursery places (arranged by social services) for the two youngest, so you don't have 24 hour a day care of them.

* Social services arranged access to CAMHS (stands for Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services) for the two youngest. Because whatever the social worker says, autism isn't caused by neglect and it is shocking that a trained professional childrens social worker would say that.

* Assessment by a child psychologist for the two youngest, to get a formal diagnosis of their autism and referral to special needs schools.

If there is enough support in place for you, you might be able to do it all. You're only just out of your 40s and you have a supportive husband. BUT you need to have the plan agreed with social services before the children move in. Because if not, they will drag their heels afterwards, once the children are safe with you.

www.gransnet.com/forums/grandparenting/1324228-Grandchildren

Here you say you already struggle to pay the bills with 2 salaries

"ur children are in mid 20's to early 30's. But our 2nd eldest son has been a complete nightmare from his early 20's. He's borrowed so much money of my self and his dad his put us in to debt. "

Your son didnt put you into debt, you and your dh put you into debt by enabling your son.

And kick their father out. He's caused the mess you're going to have to spend the next 20 years sorting out. Let him sort out his own life.

My concern is that the children will have food and a roof over their heads but they need much more than that - unless all their needs are met, they are not safe

I think the kids should go to a foster family who has experience in dealing with special needs - op is not able to handle all now, her priorities are not correct at the moment

Childrens services will always try to keep children with family if possible....the long term outcomes are usually much more positive....if placed with professional Foster carers , there's no way of knowing whether GPs will still get any contact .....it might not be deemed in the best interests of the children....and once children become CIC ( children in care) dual planning begins re long term care including adoption....so I can see very well why OPs partner doesn't want the children going outside of the family....CAMHS would not take a referral for a pre school child where i live...far too young....it would be community paeds.... the children could be placed on the ASD pathway for assessment....but it could bethat their delay and behaviours could be linked to neglect....Its certainty not unusual....I like to think I would rake my GDs on....but even with no additional needs, it would be a real commitment .... with regards to accommodation...I have known childrens services help families to queue jump housing lists to get bigger properties or pay for renovations in a mortgaged house....and 8f the children remain as CIC then the grandparents can claim a fostering allowance as the local authority remain the corporate parent....long term the grandparents would likely be awarded an SGO ,( special guardianship order) ...if they decided to keep the children and had a favourable assessment .....its a big ask OP ....I wish you well whatever you decide

Hithere

My concern is that the children will have food and a roof over their heads but they need much more than that - unless all their needs are met, they are not safe

I think the kids should go to a foster family who has experience in dealing with special needs - op is not able to handle all now, her priorities are not correct at the moment

Far better for children to remain with family and parenting to be 'good enough ' as long as its consistent....thats the view of childrens services ....the outcomes for children in care are often very poor.... and far more so for a child with additional needs