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Grandparenting

Am I the asshole? 😣

(67 Posts)
Pampas07 Sun 03-Dec-23 23:25:34

So my son and dil had my gorgeous granddaughter 3 months ago.
I have stage 4 cancer but treatment is working so fa me I’m on chemo for life but manage to work etc.
when she went into labour I was not allowed in the hospital (I totally respect that) and her mum was (again I get it) I waited outside the hospital for hour. She was born and for 2 days I asked to pop in just quickly for a visit,

My son said no, I could come over when they came home. I cried my eyes out to my partner (didn’t say a word to my son) and waited for them to come home.

I love her to pieces but my son is so stressing and overbearing. I put a pic in Facebook and he went mad at me, even though my DIL’s mum had and my daughter in law?

My DIL tells me that her mums cat sits on the babies lap etc, the today I offered to change the baby and my son had a go at me because my little dog came over whilst I was changing her?

They are both exhausted and I offered to sleep on their sofa to give them both a nights sleep, he refuses? But she’ll go to her mums and she’ll look after her whilst she sleeps for a bit.

My son spoke to me in such a patronizing and derogatory way. I’ve told him if he doesn’t trust me why come over to my house?

He had a great childhood and im at a loss as to why I’m singled out like this.

Any advice please!
BTW my son is a stressy person full he overly worried about the smallest thing but I’ve had it up to here with being belittled because he thinks he can.

I may only see this grandchild with my cancer issues and wanted to be there.
My DIL is 100 % not the issue it’s him

Mamasperspective Sun 03-Dec-23 23:59:16

Firstly I'm sorry for your health struggles.

As far as the issues raised, I think I can see the issue your son has if you were asked not to come to the hospital yet turned up anyway and tried to get round the fact he had said no by waiting outside. If they wanted exclusive time with their new baby for the first couple of weeks or even months then that's ok and they have earned that right, it's their baby after all.

As far as DIL's mother being there, DIL had just given birth and was no doubt feeling vulnerable - it makes sense that she would want the woman there who raised her from being a baby. Her mother is probably the closest and most trusted woman she has in her life so, of course, she would naturally go to her while needing support or trying to navigate motherhood (in the same way your son may go to a male relative of his own before ever asking DIL's dad re advice on fatherhood). You have come into her life much later in life so the 2 relationships won't compare. She likely just wants her mother around more.

Irrespective of who puts pics of the baby on social media, it's still be best practice to ask the parents before posting their child - after all, it is their child and not yours.

As far as the dog, just because you choose to trust your dog around the baby, it doesn't mean your son has to (I personally have to exceptionally well trained working dogs and yet still exercise caution around my child as it's just the sensible thing to do)

Although it sounds like your son had a great childhood, it doesn't sound as though he's particularly close to you now but, as the old saying goes "A son is a son til he takes him a wife, a daughter is a daughter for all of her life" so he's just grown up and is advocating for his nuclear family.

I understand you have health issues but maybe should focus more on yourself and what makes you happy as opposed to putting all your energy into wanting to be 'Grandma' when it sounds like (at the moment) they don't want your involvement. The more you push, the more overbearing you will seem to them. The last thing you want is for your son to feel emotionally manipulated into giving you more access BECAUSE of your health struggles.

A baby of that age will only bond with parents initially anyway (they don't actually realise they are separate from their mother til about 8-9 months of age) so grandparent/grandchild bonding comes much later.

I would just give them the space they are clearly asking for and respect their wishes whilst focusing on your health and hobbies that make you happy.

Good luck with everything and I hope your treatment is a success.

Hithere Mon 04-Dec-23 00:01:28

Yes, you are

Your health condition has nothing to do with this - do not use it to further your agenda

Gin Mon 04-Dec-23 00:13:28

My advice as the mother of three sons would be to keep out of their hair unless asked to visit. You are the grandmother, not the mother. Give them a chance to find their way but let them know you are available if needed and they will thank you for your sensitivity. Your time will come if you take it slowly. As others have said, DIL’s mother is the one she will turn to, that is usual and the normal way.

Summerlove Mon 04-Dec-23 01:41:57

I think your son could possibly be kinder with his words to you, however, I find it troublesome that you waited outside the hospital and asked both days to visit, despite being told not to and when you could visit.

Give your son some space. That should help things smooth over

RosiesMaw Mon 04-Dec-23 05:37:34

First of all, is this a US version of AIBU - as we have had this title before . I found it offensive then too!
However be that as it may- I would echo the advice to back off, give them space and leave them to bond as a family doing their things their way. I can't add much but you're not the first and you won't be the last! Good luck

BlueBelle Mon 04-Dec-23 07:20:17

I don’t think you’re being sidelined It’s normal for girls to go to their mums with a new baby
I think both sets of grandparents are awful to let a ) a cat sit on a new born baby and b) a little dog to be around while changing the child
If you want to have a good relationship with this new family offer, then step back to be accepted or not
Things will definitely improved if you’re patient but will disintegrate if you’re push, push pushing
I can swear like a trooper but the title doesn’t endear me to you

Tenko Mon 04-Dec-23 07:38:51

Mamasperspective

Firstly I'm sorry for your health struggles.

As far as the issues raised, I think I can see the issue your son has if you were asked not to come to the hospital yet turned up anyway and tried to get round the fact he had said no by waiting outside. If they wanted exclusive time with their new baby for the first couple of weeks or even months then that's ok and they have earned that right, it's their baby after all.

As far as DIL's mother being there, DIL had just given birth and was no doubt feeling vulnerable - it makes sense that she would want the woman there who raised her from being a baby. Her mother is probably the closest and most trusted woman she has in her life so, of course, she would naturally go to her while needing support or trying to navigate motherhood (in the same way your son may go to a male relative of his own before ever asking DIL's dad re advice on fatherhood). You have come into her life much later in life so the 2 relationships won't compare. She likely just wants her mother around more.

Irrespective of who puts pics of the baby on social media, it's still be best practice to ask the parents before posting their child - after all, it is their child and not yours.

As far as the dog, just because you choose to trust your dog around the baby, it doesn't mean your son has to (I personally have to exceptionally well trained working dogs and yet still exercise caution around my child as it's just the sensible thing to do)

Although it sounds like your son had a great childhood, it doesn't sound as though he's particularly close to you now but, as the old saying goes "A son is a son til he takes him a wife, a daughter is a daughter for all of her life" so he's just grown up and is advocating for his nuclear family.

I understand you have health issues but maybe should focus more on yourself and what makes you happy as opposed to putting all your energy into wanting to be 'Grandma' when it sounds like (at the moment) they don't want your involvement. The more you push, the more overbearing you will seem to them. The last thing you want is for your son to feel emotionally manipulated into giving you more access BECAUSE of your health struggles.

A baby of that age will only bond with parents initially anyway (they don't actually realise they are separate from their mother til about 8-9 months of age) so grandparent/grandchild bonding comes much later.

I would just give them the space they are clearly asking for and respect their wishes whilst focusing on your health and hobbies that make you happy.

Good luck with everything and I hope your treatment is a success.

Perfectly said

Nanatoone Mon 04-Dec-23 07:47:33

I thank goodness I had girls and was the welcome mum! I actually feel really sorry for you being left out like this. This is your grandchild and your son is acting very badly towards you. No one here knows the back story that made him like this and I doubt you can change it. I just wanted to show some sympathy with you and your natural feelings towards your grandchild. Some people here are totally heartless.

Aldom Mon 04-Dec-23 08:00:49

Well said Nanatoone. I totally agree with you. But I'm another who cringes at the word Ass...e.

M0nica Mon 04-Dec-23 08:37:05

Sounds to me like classic first baby behaviour by your son and daughter in law.

Forget about your illness (in this context) a grand parent's relationship with their grandchildren is that dictated to you by your grandchild's parents. Right or wrong, fair or unfair, there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. All you can do is grin and bear it,

So concentrate all your thoughts and energies on recovering from your illness and just accept any contact with your grandchild with gratitude. There is no alternative.

Iam64 Mon 04-Dec-23 08:45:06

It’s a typical first baby scenario, anxious tired parents, a new mum looking to her own mum for support.
I found the title the OP chose said a lot about her relationship with her son

Germanshepherdsmum Mon 04-Dec-23 08:50:03

I agree Iam.

sodapop Mon 04-Dec-23 09:00:25

I think the word we find offensive in Pampas07 post is in common usage in USA and on other sites, its maybe unfair to castigate her over this.
I agree with Hithere don't use your illness to guilt trip your family* Pampas* although of course it must be worrying for you and I sympathise. Take a step back now, your son seems to be struggling a little with his new responsibilities. Give the family some space to enjoy the new baby.

M0nica Mon 04-Dec-23 11:16:59

Well there is a UK version of the title, but either says a lot about the way family relationships are run in this family.

Neither of these words would be used to describe family members, even in moments of stress, in my neck of the woods, we have more respect for each other.

Germanshepherdsmum Mon 04-Dec-23 11:24:08

It’s not a word I have ever used, nor would I.

Elegran Mon 04-Dec-23 12:30:58

Am I right in thinking that this is your first grandchild and your son is your only child? That you don't have a daughter?

I can see how this is to you the most important baby in the world, and how you would love to bond at once and be the most important grandmother in the world, but you will achieve that best by abiding by the wishes of your son and his wife and taking it slowly.

Think back to when your son was born, how tired and emotional you were, with your hormones all mixed up and you not getting enough sleep, on top of the stress of your responsibility for this new little life. When your inlaws visited, did it feel like even more reponsilbility added on, trying to accomodate their desire to be part of your routine, when all you wanted was to snuggle into your nest with your baby?

Give them time to relax and establish their own pattern, while letting them know that you will provide any help that they need. That help, incidentally, is more likely to accepted if it comes in the form of cooking a few freezable meals or doing some of the vast amount of washing than in offering to look after your grandchild.

25Avalon Mon 04-Dec-23 12:57:15

Well said Elegran

Gwyllt Mon 04-Dec-23 16:59:49

Totally agree. I would have appreciated an offer of a bit of housework. Especially the bathrooms

Nansnet Tue 05-Dec-23 05:12:54

I don't like the wording used for the title either but as someone else has mentioned, if the OP is American, I know from my American friend that it's a word that's regularly used, so let's not judge her too harshly on that account.

I agree that she needs to be patient and follow their lead. Just let them know that you are there for them should they need any help at all, etc. In a few weeks, I'm sure they'll get into their own routines, and things will work out fine.

However, I note that some posters have mentioned that the OP should not use her illness to guilt trip her DS and DiL. I must confess that I feel quite shocked by some of the heartless comments made by one or two posters in particular. The way I see it is that the OP is battling cancer, and she's being treated with long-term chemo. She's no doubt feeling very vulnerable, sensitive, emotional, angry, etc. On top of the feelings she's having due to her illness, she has the added emotions that come with the birth of a grandchild, and those emotions would be heightened due to the trauma she's no doubt going through currently in her life.

Just have some heart people.

Pampas07, I wish you well in your recovery, and hope all turns out well.flowers

Elegran Tue 05-Dec-23 12:51:21

After the wise men left, the three wise women arrived

Witzend Tue 05-Dec-23 13:00:14

Aldom

Well said Nanatoone. I totally agree with you. But I'm another who cringes at the word Ass...e.

TBH I do wonder why anyone thinks it’s appropriate for a MiL to visit the hospital while a DiL is in labour.

And I’m another who objects to ‘asshole’, only because on this side of the pond it should be a good old English arsehole.

Lindy Wed 06-Dec-23 11:18:30

Well said Nansnet

welbeck Wed 06-Dec-23 11:31:47

i thought it was something to do with donkeys.

grannyro Wed 06-Dec-23 11:38:42

I think you are being a bit sensitive and maybe your health problems are contributing to this. You are never going to be as close to your DIL as her mother is, that is just natural. They should be a bit more understanding with you but I would second the past opinions where people suggest you draw back a bit and let them come to you.