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Grandparenting

Daughter in law selfishness

(272 Posts)
Phillips Fri 01-Mar-24 19:42:22

I’m so worried. My son and daughter in law are getting a divorce. Both have new partners. The daughter in laws second in ten months. My dil is letting her new boyfriend look after my granddaughter 9 years old and grandson 5 overnight on his own while she going away with girlfriends I’m not happy. He doesn’t have any children of his own. Am I being over protective?? What can I do ??

Grandmabatty Fri 01-Mar-24 19:43:54

You have no rights to do anything. Her childcare arrangements are up to her. Has your son offered to have the children instead?

rosie1959 Fri 01-Mar-24 19:46:47

This it up to your son to intervene and look after his children whilst his ex is away he will have parental rights unfortunately you can do nothing

Smileless2012 Fri 01-Mar-24 19:50:12

What does your son think about this arrangement? Why isn't he looking after his children when their mother's away?

AlwaysSmiling Fri 01-Mar-24 20:01:04

There is nothing you can do, we grandparents don't have any rights at all. I have been through this with our son and his ex wife got custody of our two grandsons. She had different boyfriends all the time so one day when we finally met up with our grandsons, our son and myself sat down with them and told them that if they weren't happy about anything to either tell their dad or me and to never be afraid of telling us anything as we would always be there for them. His ex wife then remarried and moved far away so she made it difficult for our son to visit them as she kept changing venues and days, As things worked out, our ex daughter in laws new husband is a decent man with a decent family and our two grandsons are doing fantastically well at school. I keep in touch with them and send them birthday money and always get a thank you and a I miss you grandma text.

Phillips Fri 01-Mar-24 20:59:42

My son does more than his share. He had the children for 11 days during Feb half term. She is just never satisfied, always going away with work (volunteering) or friends, birthdays any excuse but doesn’t seem to care about her children.

flappergirl Fri 01-Mar-24 21:18:12

Phillips

My son does more than his share. He had the children for 11 days during Feb half term. She is just never satisfied, always going away with work (volunteering) or friends, birthdays any excuse but doesn’t seem to care about her children.

No, I wouldn't be happy about a relatively unknown man looking after young children on his own. However, there is nothing you can do unless you have evidence of neglect or abuse.

As for your son "doing his fair share". Surely this isn't a competition. The children are the main priority and if your son has to do more than his perceived share then so be it.

Retread Fri 01-Mar-24 21:23:56

Phillips I'm so sorry you have this worry. Short of offering to have them yourself, if that is possible, I agree there isn't anything you can do.

Does your DIL's new boyfriend perhaps have help from his parents, (his Mum maybe) or his wider family - that might reassure you? I

As it is just one night, try not to worry (I know easier said than done).

Susiewong65 Fri 01-Mar-24 21:27:02

Your son needs to step up and parent his children in circumstances such as this,
No way would I be happy leaving them with someone like this
I can totally understand your concern but it’s out of your control.

rafichagran Fri 01-Mar-24 21:39:12

Phillips

My son does more than his share. He had the children for 11 days during Feb half term. She is just never satisfied, always going away with work (volunteering) or friends, birthdays any excuse but doesn’t seem to care about her children.

Who are you to say she does not care about her children? Mind your own business.
My daughter is a single parent to one son, she has to go out of the country for work, she is a high earner and he has made a good life for my Grandchild, she also see's friends, and has a good social life. My Grandson also loves staying and seeing his Father.
If your dil is leaving the children with her new man it is down to your son to step up and put a stop to it if he thinks this is wrong.
Your son does not do more than his share he is the children's Father.

Theexwife Fri 01-Mar-24 21:48:24

I would assume that she loves her children and would not put them in danger. If your son is upset by this he will speak to her, I would stay out of it, the last thing you need is a fallout with the childrens mother.

MercuryQueen Sat 02-Mar-24 08:25:54

He had them eleven days? So their mother still had them the majority of the month.

If your son is unhappy with the situation, he can go to court and request primary custody.

At no point is this yours to do anything about.

MercuryQueen Sat 02-Mar-24 08:27:43

Also, does your son’s new partner take care of the kids during his visitation?

March Sat 02-Mar-24 08:38:45

Your son needs to step up and look after his children when she's away instead of complaining about it and doing nothing.

maddyone Sat 02-Mar-24 08:41:40

Dad,y there’s little you can do as grandparents have no rights. I don’t blame you for being worried though, and I would be too under these circumstances. Why doesn’t your son have his children when their mother is away?

Cossy Sat 02-Mar-24 08:49:04

It’s really nothing to do with you and how do you know all of her movements?

Yes, it’s upsetting and maybe a worry and easy to criticise an ex DiL but I’m sure the children are fine.

maddyone Sat 02-Mar-24 09:08:19

Cossy, hopefully you’re right and the grandchildren are fine, but there’s no way you can be sure that they are. The grandmother is worried for a reason, and frankly I’m not surprised. Only when you live through something like this can you appreciate the worry it causes, and no, the children are not always fine.

NotSpaghetti Sat 02-Mar-24 09:16:04

If your son is worried maybe he should ask the police if this person has any background?

Sarah's Law allows parents (or other people with responsibility for children) to ask for checks to be made into people who have access to them.

NotSpaghetti Sat 02-Mar-24 09:19:48

Phillips when you say two boyfriends in 10 months - how new exactly is this one?

He may be a close friend she has known for years and years who has become a boyfriend? Your info isn't clear on this.

Cossy Sat 02-Mar-24 09:29:25

maddyone

Cossy, hopefully you’re right and the grandchildren are fine, but there’s no way you can be sure that they are. The grandmother is worried for a reason, and frankly I’m not surprised. Only when you live through something like this can you appreciate the worry it causes, and no, the children are not always fine.

No, children are not always fine, you’re correct and there are definitely a small minority who are a real danger to children. BUT I still think there’s a lot of criticism here about ex DiL, whose relationship maybe absolutely fine. No mention of whether her son, the children’s father, has any worries and assuming he’s recently had them for 11 days (and nights) he has some idea of whether they’re ok or not?

Katie59 Sat 02-Mar-24 09:40:29

It really is t your place to get involved however concerned you are, certainly don’t broach the subject with DIL, all you will achieve there is hostility. If it makes you feel better mention your concern to your son and let him deal with it.

Juliet27 Sat 02-Mar-24 09:42:46

You said MercuryQueen
He had them eleven days? So their mother still had them the majority of the month
That was during half term, which is usually only a week plus an Inset day, so assume they were at school the rest of that month?

Callistemon21 Sat 02-Mar-24 09:44:06

No, I would not be happy with thst arrangement either.

I cannot believe how naïve some of these posts are. However, criticism of your DIL is not helpful. She and your DS are getting a divorce so what she does socially is nothing to do with you as long as the children are safe and happy. They are the priority here, not who does most of the caring.

I think the children's father must insist the children stay with him when their mother goes away. He is their father, he has parental rights too.
Could they stay with you sometimes, Phillips?

maddyone Sat 02-Mar-24 09:48:55

Good post Callistemon.

MercuryQueen Sun 03-Mar-24 09:39:00

I’m not familiar with the UK school set up, I assumed that half term was like our March break, simply a week off of school?

Unless half term only applies to boarding schools, then Mom still had the kids the majority of the month, 18 days to his 11.

I’m not clear on if he took vacation or if the kids were in a program due to being off school, so I’m not sure there’s a difference between them being in school or not.