A few ideas

Just a wee reminder folks, that OP has said she finds joining groups on her own 'harder and harder'! I took her post to be about dealing with her difficulty in carrying out her ideas.

Another vote for U3A, many of the members are single people in a very similar situation and only too pleased to welcome new members into interest groups. We are in so many groups now that we need a 10 day week.

Choose a group or club which you feel fairly certain is your sort of thing, eg book club, poetry group, walking, keep fit etc. Then go regularly, be their most reliable member, smile at everyone, listen to their problems, be a bit of a friend (don't push it). It takes time to gain friends and be accepted and it will be gradual. Don't try lots of different clubs just one or two and go to every meeting.

It works, I've done it.

I had to retire before I was ready and, as I love alone, needed to occupy my time. I fell into dog walking by accident and it has changed my life. I have made some really good friends while out on doggy walks and we regularly go to quiz nights, cinema, an occasional meal etc. Walking also keeps us all fit. Try it!

BlueBelle you are certainly not alone. When changes happen in our lives they take time to adjust to and often we have to experiment to see what is best for us as there is no one solution for all. Although we often think it is the people we miss, and that is certainly important, I found it was a routine I missed as much as anything. Not having to do something by or at a specific time meant I allowed things to drift. When I find that happening I go back to setting an alarm for the morning and write down five things I want to fit in that day. Some will be simple - post off a birthday card, put out the rubbish bins - but others more complex. The list stops wasting time thinking about what to do and tackling the least favourite first gives a feeling of satisfaction and knocks that feeling of guilt on the head too.

Like others here I would suggest trying the WI or similar town based group and I know others who are strong advocates for the U3A although I have no personal experience of this. I know it can be difficult to walk through that door alone so try finding the contact details for your group and make contact ahead of your visit so you are expected. Our WI has an off-shoot craft group which has allowed us to explore new crafts as well as gen up on more familiar ones and there is a group who do baking and we all muck in to help with catering commitments, even if it is only in the clearing up and washing up capacity.

I was unable to get to evening classes as no bus service and I only recently returned to driving after almost forty years and don't feel confident driving at night so I am doing a writing course at home. This could be a solitary activity but there is no reason why it couldn't be worked on anywhere - in the park, at the library or do a JK Rowling and work in a cafe - but remember to buy the coffees! I still need to get out and about to gather material to write about (it is a non-fiction course I chose) and even have to interview people at some stage although I haven't reached that module as yet. It doesn't have to be writing but ther are courses for so many things including some free ones now run by the Open University.

Do hope you are finding some ideas which will help. Each of us can only say what works (or doesn't) for ourselves but maybe the processes we have been through will be something that you can follow.

Have you thought of evening classes...well classes and not all are held in the evenings. Lots are available. Will keep your mind active as well.

You say you make plans in your head about going places and doing things. How would it be if you put a date in the diary, as the day you are going to (whatever) and so you have it mentally booked. Then just do it. I know you are not keen to join groups but if you google your nearest U3A you might be surprised at the range of groups on offer. People are usually very welcoming and not cliquey. However if you have those ideas in your head, get them into the diary so you will have some kind of structure to help,you.

You could be writing about me, BlueBelle. However, I'm lucky in that I have a car and am not limited to my immediate neighbourhood. I hope you have decent public transport where you are. I downsized and moved to a small town only four miles away from my previous home. I did get to know people through U3A and NWR, though most of them have known each other for many years and their children went to school together. I still feel like something of an outsider. One problem I have is that I keep starting things and never finish them - bags of knitting for example, and Futurelearn language courses which I had really looked forward to: another one starts today. As you say, I'm also unmotivated. I hope you find a solution.

Bluebelle, how I sympathise. I've been on my own for 8 years and retired for 4. At first, I seemed able to fill most of my days and enjoyed the freedom but over the last year or so I seem to be slowing down to the point of almost stopped. I volunteer at my local museum and one morning a week at a primary school and I sometimes meet friends but there seems to be less and less point in everything I do. I often feel I can't be bothered to tidy myself up and go out for a couple of hours when afterwards I'll just be back home, slobbing about on my own again. I'm sure U3A is a great organisation. I've considered joining, found out when the next meeting was and planned to go. Then I forgot about it. I've just realised that, yet again, I've missed the Monday morning French group that I joined a few months ago because I just forgot about it. Lack of motivation (or is it lack of interest in living) is a problem and I really don't know how to overcome it.

BlueBelle you are certainly not alone. I could have written your post. We moved here from Devon when my husband started showing signs of Lewy Body Dementia seven years ago. Gradually as he became worse we went out less and less. I do not drive, so when he had to stop driving it was a big blow. Then three years ago he died, after two years of absolute hell for both of us. He died in the December, the day after Boxing day, I spent all that Christmas at his bedside. Then in the February after I fell and smashed an ankle and leg into bits. Spent that summer learning to walk again after surgery, then in the following February my left hip went and I had to have that replaced. Another summer spent getting back on my feet. Then this year the other hip went, I am now seven weeks post op. I live in a largish village, but there are no evening classes held here, and the buses are a joke. At 79 I feel as if I am "just waiting for God", no-one actually needs me, children and grandchildren all absorbed and happy in their own lives. So what on earth do I do with myself? Gardening is limited as I also have back problems, I read a lot, watch TV a little, but somedays I wonder if it is worth getting up. The daughter who lives nearest is very good, the others are spread over the country. They keep in touch by phone, but there are so many hours to fill when you are alone. Like you I am shy, not good in crowds. I don't know what the answer is, there are so many of us in the same boat but no-one seems to know what to do about it.The thing is I don't feel 79 inside....... but the dratted body feels about 180!!

Lots of good suggestions here already.
Can you get a free bus pass into the nearest "big" place? (Enquire at your bus station or library.)

Definitely consider U3A and possibly local church. Even if you do not have a strong faith it is a marvellous social oportunity and I am sure you can easily get to feeling needed there.

Also, have you thought about going to your nearest primary school and offering to listen to the early readers there? I find it very satisfying to help in this way, plus I don't have to pay any fees and can walk to the school.

Wishing you luck and happiness. It is an enormous adjustment you are making and it will take time, but I am sure you will find it easier when you have made a few decisions that make you feel more in control of your life again.

Hi @BlueBelle. If you like animals have you thought of fostering? Rescues are always looking for fosterers. I volunteer for Oldies Club and we're always looking for fosterers www.oldies.org.uk/get/fostering-dogs
Yes, you have to give them up (well, you don't have to) but you don't pay vet bills, you can go on holiday and not have to worry about paying for dog-sitters or kennels, and you're helping a dog find his new home.
There are other volunteer opportunities out there, where you can 'work from home' - especially if you have a computer.
Good luck!

Hello! (First time contributor)...... I found joining a further ed class good. First of all, everyone is 'new' on the first day so - no disadvantage. Secondly, if motivation or rushed mornings is a consideration, select an afternoon class. Pander absolutely to your own strengths and weaknesses otherwise it could be a chore. Also do remember these courses are finite - longest I've seen is 10 weeks - and attendance is not compulsory though, obviously, desirable.

Help for a newcomer please? How would I find out if there's a Gransnet group who physically meet in my area?

Kim19, the first step is to find your local site here local.gransnet.com/find-a-local-site and see if there is anything organised on the local forum. A hint is to check out other areas you can easily get to if there's nothing where you live.
Also look at the Meetups threads on this main forum.
If there's nothing in your area then why not suggest a time and place to suit you and see if anyone else would like to meet?

The advantage of a Gransnet meetup for someone who is not good at joining new groups is that we can chat online beforehand and so when we meet we feel like we are old friends!

Excellent ideas! I would think that the suggestion of a walk would be a good idea as it is very easy to get depressed when you spend long periods indoors and this does not help with motivating yourself to do/try things. Exercise generally cheers us up. I joined the bowls club some years ago when my DH was due to take early and unexpected retirement. I only went along to get him to go! Have now been the secretary for some years and so am very busy. If you have a bowls club near you, this might be a good idea - give them a ring first and arrange a visit. We bowl both indoors and outdoors, so it is an all year round activity. We also joined the U3A and I do a lot of activities through the library. It is those first steps that are hard - so you might have to really talk sternly to yourself to get yourself motivated! I just keep repeating to myself a little mantra, telling myself I can do things. I also use 'tapping' think the posh name for this is NLP and it has been a godsend, as i do suffer from depression. Find things to satisfy the body, the mind and the soul!

Wow thanks for all the replies and suggestions. I was really looking for some comfort that it's not just me that has to fight and I do mean fight every day to try to motivate myself and it seems like I am far from alone and that's a comfort

I know there is only me that can make these pushes I am a doer at heart and do do charity work, take myself out most days to walk or potter round town and have lots of friends .... It's just all the long hours inbetween and my own annoyance at myself for allowing so many opportunities to disappear I have in a way gone back into the shell I was in as a child not so attractive in an old gal though I have become afraid of new things and take the easy way out and now need to feel the fear and do it anyway as they say but it's not easy

I thank you for all the suggestions and I ll let you know what I manage maybe I can set myself a weekly task of doing something out of my comfort zone that might be a start I hope this thread might bring all of us struggling together a bit

I agree with GagaGran- the WI is a wonderful way of making new friends & hopefully your local group will have a dedicated person to meet & greet new members & look after then for the first couple of months until they are comfortable with going in alone. We have 2 members who do just that & it works so well. You will find that as well as the monthly meeting
they have outings, clubs etc.during the month & there is usually someone sorting out lifts for those who do not have their own transport.
I joined in my early 50s & now 16 years later I belong to 2 & DH complains I am never in!

Have you a local U3A? This is a wonderful organisation for retired people. Ours has about 70 groups within it, so you are bound to find something you like to do. There are many single and widowed members and everyone is very friendly.

MargaretinNorthant

I keep rereading this thread and agree with all the ideas some of which I do myself, however, I can see part of what you are asking is what to do at home on your own, we can't be out all the time specially with winter coming round again. It is difficult as things like reading, tv, craft projects etc are all sedentary, the time spent alone has been recognised as a national problem for the retired and seems unavoidable unless we get together in communes.

Margaretinnorthantshave you thought about some sort of sheltered housing? Where there would be other people and presumably activities.

Luluaugust you aren't completely wrong it's not so much about having things to do as how to push myself to do them I have been part of groups in the past which after the first awful first time have been fine and I have friends I m not a loner but even the little things like going to another town for a few hours become sillily difficult I plan it all in my head look forward to it then when the day comes find an excuse to not go, that doesn't mean I never go but a lot of times I back out of things, then wish I hadn't
I think someone said further back about a holiday that they had to just buy a ticket then they had to go I think I m going to start trying something like that to make myself get out of this awful backing down thingy .... A lot is when you are on your own there is no one to give you a little push I m not depressed and I m always up and showered early just get so cross with myself for degenerating ....like Margaret said I still think I m 30 don't feel in my dotage yet
I do thank you all because realising it's not just me has made me feel a bit better xx

Hello BlueBell, I agree with all that you say as I too am in the same boat.

thanks Amy There seems a few of us that are all struggling a bit, perhaps we need to start a motivational group for ourselves