Why didn't my sister let me know...

Thanks to all have showed understanding. However there are some extremely cruel remarks. Most of these seem to be because the person feels hard done by as a carer. I can see now that I made an error in calling my sister a carer. I did so because she lives near my mum and is the first contact if mum is ill. Otherwise she does her food shopping and that is it. Mum lives independently, has a social life, goes on holiday etc. So please no more nasty comments and sister is definitely not in need of respite!

It is hard being the sister that lives a long way away. I am in the same position but I do phone /FaceTime my aged parent everyday. It is tedious sometimes, but you do get to hear what’s going on. You’ve also got to remember they look forward and appreciate the calls/contact such a lot when they are alone.
My advice would be to contact your mum more often. I only speak to my sister about once every week or two, as I don’t want to bother her too much ! She lives 2 mins walk from our parent and visits most days. She doesn’t need to do any jobs, cleaning or personal care- (Parent pays for help) but she keeps an eye on “the workers” and parents health and finances.
I agree you should thank your sister for her contribution to parents well being when you can, but don’t feel guilt or anger. After all, your sister probably benefitted from the parent being near her when they were fit & well. I know mine did.

Apologies of course if you have done this on a regular basis.

GrauntyHelen

As it would appear that your sister is doing the bulk of the caring it's your responsibility to keep in touch not hers When did you last facilitate respite for your sister by the way?

Same question - if you live far away and can't do the day to day caring- the least you could do is to offer to take over for part of your holidays to allow your sister some respite, and allow HER to have a well earned holiday.

I wonder what you would have done if told 4 days earlier? If you would have gone straight to her to help your sister then it is odd that she didn’t tell you. If you would simply have phoned more often then it is understandable. It is hard to predict how long and how bad an unwell older person’s ailments might last/become and neither of them was perhaps up to the phone calls. I didn’t bother letting siblings far away know about every downturn in my mother’s health in her 90s. If my mother asked me to give them a call then of course I did but I usually had enough to do without fielding daily “how is she?” calls. I did always call my nearest sibling and ask them to ‘stand by’.

I agree with GrauntyHelen that you should make more effort to stay in touch. My sister never rings me or enquires about mum, who is in a care home. She rings mum, sometimes three times a day, other times she won’t ring at all for several weeks. My sister suffers from mental health issues which which cause her to be very nasty and unkind and so I tend not to contact her for fear of receiving a vile text back.
A couple of members of my family have urged me to contact my sister myself but I refuse to as I don’t want to receive horrible texts and I think it’s her responsibility to get in touch with me if she wants information.
It is the responsibility of the person who is not doing the caring to make the enquiries or make the effort to visit.

As it would appear that your sister is doing the bulk of the caring it's your responsibility to keep in touch not hers When did you last facilitate respite for your sister by the way?

Vik65

I am in the position of your sister , you are a selfish person your sister has enough to do looking after your MUM without thinking about your feelings . Maybe move closer and do your share

I am in your position and think it would be quite selfish for me to want my sister to give up her life as she knows it to move closer. There is no "share". Nobody is forced to care for their parents, they choose to. You might find you slip into it but you have the choice as to whether you continue or not. It just takes courage to say, "I am not doing this any more."

Vik65

I am in the position of your sister , you are a selfish person your sister has enough to do looking after your MUM without thinking about your feelings . Maybe move closer and do your share

Ridiculous comment. Why should OP move closer she has her own life

Hithere

Maybe she was super busy with the new developments?

Or just super busy. She's presumably got her own life and home to deal with and is now looking after your Mum.

Does your sister have a family and work in addition to looking after mum Hazeleyes? I just wondered as you said she lives near as opposed to with. When my mum lived in sheltered accommodation, my sister and I lived close, two other siblings abroad so it fell to us. Being two of us it worked well. However, fast forward many years and my husband and I lived a long way from my inlaws who both had mobility issues. The highlight of DMIL' s week was the shopping phone call where we went though all the things mum liked or needed, arranged a delivery slot and paid for it on the internet for them as they weren't technically inclined. It took about an hour but she loved it and it was delivered to their door. They would call to say it had arrived, how nice the delivery driver was etc. Then once a month we'd take them out for dinner and to some shops. Maybe this is something you could do to take some of the load of your sister. Also there might be something on during the day locally that your mum would enjoy, like bingo that you could arrange transport to and from with a local taxi company. Of course all that depends on your mums health and mobility but might give your sister a bit of respite and give you more input/insight to how your mum is doing. Is your name down at your mums DR'S surgery together with your sister as next of kin in case you ever need to discuss any heath concerns. I do appreciate how hard it is for you being so far away, we found it hard, speciallywhen we had to zoom down there in emergencies. Is your mum tech savvy enough to have WhatsApp where you can video call instead of just voice calling?

Vik65

I am in the position of your sister , you are a selfish person your sister has enough to do looking after your MUM without thinking about your feelings . Maybe move closer and do your share

Much as I sympathise with the pressure I suspect you are under Vik I think telling the OP she is selfish, on the basis purely of the information she has given is harsh!

Hazel was asking for opinions as to the reason for the lack of communication from her sister. In my view the best person for her to talk to to find that out is her sister, but I don't think she deserves such harsh assumptions about her selfishness, not doing her share etc!

Wow that was harsh

I am in the position of your sister , you are a selfish person your sister has enough to do looking after your MUM without thinking about your feelings . Maybe move closer and do your share

Dear op, I think it’s a bit much to take offence when people express opinions which you have asked for! I’m care to my mum and it’s exhausting, I don’t always have time to message my siblings. I don’t think you’re a victim here.

Well, I was a carer for my Mum and my sister lives away so I think I speak from experience as a carer. I don't think your sister has done anything wrong, things can seem to be ok but as Mum's health gets worse you look back and can see the signs more easily. That might be the point when you ring other members of the family.
Similarly, you have done nothing wrong either. Ringing once a week is fair enough and it can be difficult to make conversation if your mother is not getting out much.
I don't think you should tackle this with your sister as a criticism. I think you should accept that sometimes the demands of life get in the way. Maybe a more gentle conversation about how you worry that things might deteriorate and you won't know about it might alert your sister of your worries.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hi HazelEyes ,

Deep breath !

Don't be upset .

I understand that you are disappointed with your sister .
I bet that your mother told her not to bother you and that she'll cope !

I suggest texting more frequently and offering to help your sister maybe letting her have a break from your mum .
I expect that she's increasingly tired and stressed .
Perhaps , she was suddenly overwhelmed by your mother's sudden illness .
Something like a urine infection can make an elderly person completely out of it .
I've known my father be perfectly fine eating /drinking, enjoying a programme and making conversation and then , lapsing into a semi comatose state being blue lighted to hospital and not expected to live .

The first time he became seriously ill - I ended up on A and E as an emergency .

At first , relatives came to stay and expected me to wait on them hand and foot !

I've also been criticised for not taking him round the garden .
When two men couldn't lift him outside they realised the problem .

I've been disappointed by relatives not contacting me or being dismissive . And I'd love a break -something I was promised four years ago and it's not happened !

Trust me , being a carer is not an easy job .

She could have texted you because she was more-or-less in your mother's hearing all the time, and did not want your mother to worry by hearing herself described as ill on the phone.

I see nothing wrong with ringing once a week to your mother, I would happily have done the same, only my mother DEMANDED a phone call every blessed day of the last two years of her life.

It depends on the circumstances, whether you should ring more frequently, or ask your sister to let you know sooner next time anything is wrong. The latter is easiest to do if you can truthfully say that early notice would give you a chance to re-arrange things so you could come and help.

I agree with Fleurpepper. I'm sure you care very much Hazeleyes. I would suggest more frequent contact with your mum and supporting your sister whenever you can and remembering to thank her regularly for all that she does and regular little presents such as
flowers or chocs.

Buttonjugs

Your sister is completely responsible for looking after your mother and you’re upset she didn’t let you know immediately that she was poorly?! Why don’t you try being more involved. Just a thought. Your post took my breath away because I was in the same position with both my parents before they died and found it stressful, tiring and sometimes traumatic. Almost zero help from siblings. I cannot believe you are this insensitive.

Woah you know absolutely nothing about the dynamics of this relationship and this isn’t about you. Don’t be so awfully judgemental and yes, to use your word, insensitive.

Your sister is completely responsible for looking after your mother and you’re upset she didn’t let you know immediately that she was poorly?! Why don’t you try being more involved. Just a thought. Your post took my breath away because I was in the same position with both my parents before they died and found it stressful, tiring and sometimes traumatic. Almost zero help from siblings. I cannot believe you are this insensitive.

I've been there -brother living 3 miles from mum and me over 200 miles away. I phoned her once a week at a prearranged time. If she didn't answer I worried but if I rang brother he would moan about having to do everything. In the end the couple who cleaned and did odd jobs for her said if I was worried to ring them and they would go and check. They understood that I worried and couldn't pop round to check myself. Thankfully she eventually agreed to move into sheltered accommodation so she had a warden keeping an eye on her. I sympathise if you live a long way away. Siblings can feel hard done by being the one who lives nearby and has to deal with everything but they don't always appreciate the worry we feel when we can't do anything because of the distance. There needs to be understanding on both sides. Maybe explain that you understand the burden your sister carries by living nearest but also explain that the fact you are further away doesn't mean you care any less.

Set a specific day and time to phone both your Mum and sister for a general catch-up and when you have the chats to your sister, just gently remind her to let you know if she has any concerns about Mum.

It is important to remember that your sister, being Mums Carer, has her hands full and it might not always occur to her.

By having a set catch-up time Mum will have something to look forward to, you can all keep in touch with family news and sister will no doubt feel supported.

There’s a curious inconsistency in people’s perceptions of time.
Just as if I don’t hear from my D’s I feel their silence is endless, but when I am busy, time flies past
Be generous, and allow that perhaps she was up to her ears, or perhaps things seemed less serious at the time but I agree - a tactful request to let you know sooner in future would be appreciated (plus a bit of soft soap saying how much you appreciate all she does)
Not worth falling out over, is it?