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Advice please🤞

(13 Posts)
Begaa23 Thu 15-Apr-21 13:40:30

My son met a girl last May who has a 5 year old , She had split from his dad when he was 2 but every other day his paternal grandparents pick him up and he see’s his dad . This is a rolling agreement and they live 100 miles away and with covid etc my husband has not met the 5y old ( I have briefly met him ) . Advice we need please now Covid restrictions are eased we arranged to pop up to our sons ( never usually a problem ) but the girl is terrified of her ex as he quizzes the son the “excuse” was they were going to court so fair enough after court( it did not go her way , less changeovers) and when things were relaxed we said will come up just for day but were told no ( actually just ignored the messages until we phoned which didn’t end well . Anyway diverting away from problem in November they announced she was expecting due August so we said we really need to meet the son properly to get to know him before our grandchild is born but the goalposts are moved everytime we try and suggest something . She seems happy for us to be involved once our grandchild is born but is it weird that we can’t get to know her son as we seem prevented every suggestion we make ( ie meet halfway in a park etc ) ? My husband says well until we meet him he nothing to do with us but I fear we wont meet him until after baby and he is already a bit mixed up after they moved in with my son he had to go upstairs in his house when the son was being picked up by the grandparents , I think he still does tbh ( they do not come in the house either its what her ex said so seems what he says goes ) . We want to include the lad but how do we go around this ( dont say facetime as already suggested this and her answer is he may tell his dad🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️) Not really sure what to do so over to all you wise people x

Sago Thu 15-Apr-21 14:43:54

I have a feeling there is something you don’t know.

What is the custody arrangement, why doesn’t the father come to collect the child?
Is the child’s father aggressive?

Do the grandparents who collect the child live a 100 miles away or are you saying you live 100 miles from your son?

Kamiso Thu 15-Apr-21 14:53:11

Sounds as if you are only being told part of the story but not sure if there is anything to an do to change things.

There seems to be a battle going on between two warring parties and the real victims will be the children caught in the middle. How is she going to prevent her child mentioning that there is a new baby on the scene! If the ex is so violent seems odd that he got joint custody.

EllanVannin Thu 15-Apr-21 14:54:09

This sounds a bit iffy to me.

Bridgeit Thu 15-Apr-21 14:58:33

Back off & leave it be for awhile.
It may help ease all the pressure, best wishes

FarNorth Thu 15-Apr-21 15:06:42

Ask your son what will be best for them, both now and when your grandchild is born.
Does he expect the situation to change then, so that you will be able to visit?

vampirequeen Thu 15-Apr-21 16:39:05

Can you facetime your son, DIL and little boy? That way he'd get sort of get to know you and you wouldn't be strangers when you do eventually meet.

Madgran77 Thu 15-Apr-21 17:06:39

It does sound as if there is more to this around the ex than you know! Facetime seems like a good idea

Begaa23 Fri 16-Apr-21 02:36:23

Thank you all for the replies . A few points to answer . 1) We are the ones who live 100 miles away . 2) From what we are told the boys grandma is the one who has the boy ( i am led to believe if it was up to the dad he would not bother seeing his son at all , and only pops in when the boy is at the grandmas or has him at his home rarely , the grandma does the school pick up and he sleeps at hers . This was why the girl went to court as she wanted her son not to have to swap every day and half she wanted say 4 days one week 3 another so the boy would be more settled . The grandma was sacked from her job a few years ago for bullying ( we know this to be true as it was reported in the press) 3) We have tried to do facetime , when the lad is there but there always seems to be some excuse ( my son works ling hours and to be honest as they have only just been together a year we have only met her twice , once being at a funeral so do not really know her well enough plus the lad will not sit still or concentrate longer than a minute ( we and son think he has ADHD but the girl is scared that the dad/ grandma will blame her if she tries to find out and take boy off her4) The ex is not violent just mentally controlling by the sounds of it . 5) She had a bad childhood herself from what we have been told her mother was very cruel to her ( she actually ended up in prison and is not allowed in the area ) 6) We just think with our grandchild due soon that is just does not feel right that we have not met its brother . My son is quite easy going and goes along with anything she says ( this is his 1st child and our 1st grandchild and was not planned, but is happy and she and the boy moved in after she told him she was pregnant )

Lolo81 Fri 16-Apr-21 03:13:02

It’s commendable that you want to include this wee boy in your family and I agree with others who say that the dynamics with the ex seem to be the motivating factor here.
That said, he’s only 5 and has had a lot of change in his wee life, a new step dad, a new sibling on the way, a new home and living a large part of his life through the restrictions of a pandemic.
Try and be patient? They seem to have a lot going on settling in as their own family whilst negotiating the pressures of the ex and his extended family.
The ADHD thing may be a genuine concern, but teachers etc will pick up on that when he starts school which means that there will be support for the lad, which the ex won’t be able to argue against without welfare concerns being raised against him. That said my two would never in a month of Sundays sat still to chat to anyone on a video call at that age - never mind after over a year of on and off confinement due to lockdown.
In your shoes I wouldn’t apply any pressure, but follow their lead on this one. Assuming your son and his GF are in this for the long haul you will have many years ahead of you to look forward to with both the children.

Daisymae Fri 16-Apr-21 07:36:56

At the end of the day you have no choice but to go along with their wishes. I would back off for a while and hopefully things will cool down once the baby arrives. I would concentrate on establishing a good relationship with your son and his new partner first.

Begaa23 Fri 16-Apr-21 18:12:47

Maybe i am very old fashioned to think
You should meet family and siblings before a new grandchild is born . Seems from replies i am out of touch ( at 48) that scares me

DiscoDancer1975 Fri 16-Apr-21 18:55:09

Don’t push anything. Wait until they are ready. It does all sound a bit messy, and it could be your son’s girlfriend is just very wary at the moment. Take it she knows best what’s good for her son. You really have no leg to stand on at the moment, but after your grandchild is born, you will then...hopefully, have a better understanding.
Congratulations by the way, and hope all goes well with the birth.