Worried about Mum

I was a SW in another life and met many elderly folk in just this situation. I just wanted to chip in that many people seem adamant about not going into residential care but reach a crisis point when it becomes inevitable - and then go on to love it and wish they had done it earlier!

Yes, I've heard of people who found that they enjoyed residential care after all.

We managed to get my FiL, who'd been doing everything for himself for years, to accept carers going in because he kept forgetting to take his tablets. We told him that they were just there for 15 mins to make sure that he had his medication and he reluctantly agreed - SS were pushing for it anyway as he'd just come out of hospital. Then we were able to increase the time and what the carers did once he was used to them going in.

Guess things are at the 'in between' stage - when mum's only just managing at home, with things ok for a while, but increasingly I'm aware of how wobbly she's getting - mentally as well as physically. Guess I'm struggling with the unpredictability of her situation - trying to guard against an emergency situation ... Then - hey! She seems absolutely fine again for a while.

Yes luckygirl is right on that.
Although I have known some particularly adamant old people who refuse to move to what we might consider more safe and appropriate accomodation.
(The family lived in Scotland. )She lived in Cheshire

The woman concerned eventually was watched by
neighbours to see if the curtains were open.
And took her non appearance as a warning .

The GP had to try and get a wound dressing pushed through the letter box.

This woman was just not prepared to move out but would have been really distressed to be moved out. One morning she did not she did not come out after was taken to hospital.

It is a difficult to make people move out of what we might consider unsuitable.

Does she have Carers coming in at present?
To know there is somebody who sees her regularly might be the next step. Who knows what the future holds at 92 and as the others have said, when/if it comes to it, she may be able to accept a move.
At present though you do not want any emergency admissions to A&E with a fall or something like a UTI.

If residential home does become the only way forward then just look at the homes that would suit your mum the best...maybe a place where she can still have her own space to cook etc but on hand care..something lije Churchill/McCarthy Stone etc

Thanks for your comments. She doesn't have carers going in, but the community nurse goes in every few weeks and knows my concerns. The nurse has offered various suggestions of help to mum, but mum would rather struggle on than accept the extra help. (OT/ physio/ cleaner etc).

An added complication is that mum has OCD issues - with strict routines and concerns about hygiene contamination...

Would she come and live with you?

If you haven’t already done so the first thing you need to do is to get lasting power-of-attorney. You can get the forms from the government website. This needs to be done whilst your mum still has capacity.
My mother was admitted into home from hospital she was 89 and had been admitted with severe urine infection,she went from being forgetful but living independently to having very little capacity in the space of two weeks.
I would start doing some research into nursing homes as for me it was very knee-jerk my mother was in hospital over Christmas and was being discharged the day after Boxing Day, I didn’t have enough time to do my research and may have decided on a different home had I not been so panicked.
Good Luck

It is helpful to have a morning carer coming in to see that she is OK, up for the day, and has food for lunch and supper. Plus a snack left out. Then you can subscribe to 'Jest Checking' so that you can follow her normal day and night i.e. up out of bed to loo at night etc. and note when the carer opens the front door, and how long they stay. You will need to get a key safe set up.
justchecking.co.uk/how-it-works

Later on once the care system in working you may decide with your mother to get ready meals delivered by a man who put then in the freezer.

www.wiltshirefarmfoods.com/how-to-get-started/our-meals

Its one step at a time and best if you can get help from a Social Worker to assess your mother, assess you as the carer, make sure you have the benefits you are entitled to and then help you mother make decisions about the support she will need if she wishes to stay at home.

you may decide once you have a programme st

Pollyanna,not much advice for you but we are in the same situation as you with my mum,she too is getting increasingly frail both physically and mentally.She too has OCD issues and is adamant she will not have carers or go into any kind of assisted living.We have a cleaner and a gardener who go once a week which is a start as we know someone other than us is keeping an eye on her and will contact us if necessary.We have a 100 mile round trip to visit her and try to go every 10 days or so.I find the demands she makes emotionally to be the most draining.I’m sorry I don’t have any real advice for you but thank you for starting this thread.Hopefully other gransnetters with experience of this situation will have practical advice/ideas.

I'd definately try and get a carer in once a day. At least that way someone is actually visiting. You dont say if she gets out at all. Age uk used to do a visiting service. Not sure if they still do. My mum is in a care home and although not perfect even mum says she feels safe there. You need to keep her out of hospital if you can as like Missfoodlove we had to move very quickly when they decided to discharge mum. Do a lasting power of attorney while your mum is still capable. As once the word 'capacity' looms you have to do everything through the court of protection. I'd start thinking of a plan so at least if anything did happen you have that to fall back on. Good Luck.

I don’t know if finances are a problem, but do make sure your mum applies for attendance allowance. You can google all the necessary information. In my experience she may need your help to fill in the forms- folks often underestimate their needs on the application form and it’s important to describe their needs on a “bad” day, not what they might be able to do on a better day.

We have my MIL living with us - she’s also 92. It’s hard work - we are trying to encourage her to do more things for herself by herself but it’s difficult. Even though I couldn’t put her in a home at the back of my mind I wish we had as you don’t get time to yourself - which I really miss. I also would suggest you’d Mum has more daily contact with people - just to pop in to check on her - she may like it and you would be relieved knowing someone else is there. I don’t know what you think about a camera in her place - we had one for my Dad when he was alive - just in the lounge in his flat. If he didn’t draw the curtains in the morning I knew he needed help. It was attached to our phones via blue tooth - we could see him in the lounge and part of kitchen and also hear him - which was a god send when he fell in the kitchen as the camera just caught the view of his slippers so we alerted a neighbour which gave us time to get to him- I think they are a good idea - but your Mum may not like one. Good luck - oh to get old!! Xx

My 90 yr old Mum was discharged from hospital clearly unable to cope. I talked her into having respite care in a local care home with the aim of getting her back on her feet. After 4 days she decided to stay and had the most wonderful care for the remaining four months of her life. Her funeral is next Monday.

I can't believe you are only going once every 4 weeks. Who is looking out for her in between if she doesn't like anyone else in her home?

I trust she is in a bungalow and not climbing stairs while she is on her own.

Everyone I have known with relatives that age now are of the ilk they do not want to go into residential care or have people coming in their home. It is understandable.

Despite that support in the home is a necessity at that age in some form. It is also very upsetting for them to be moved out of there comfort place into somewhere where they have no memories. This can make them feel more confused and go down hill quickly.

I hope you find a comforting solution to this for you both.

From my own experience you need to have a plan. Otherwise you will be overtaken by events and have to make decisions under stress. So check out care homes, carers, cleaners etc. A good cleaner can be your eyes and ears. Consider a care call in case of falls. Explain to your mum that accepting help now will enable her to stay in her own home.

It may be worth looking into an extra care facility. My father has Parkinson’s and is on medication seven times a day. He became very confused and couldn’t remember if he’d taken them and I used to find them under the furniture and down the settee. I managed to get a social worker who was brilliant and at first he had dosette boxes then a machine that dispensed them but he was still dropping them or falling asleep and leaving them. Eventually he realised he wasn’t coping and he was reassessed and moved into the extra care facility within a month. It has a very spacious one bedroom flat with its own living room, kitchen and shower room. The facility has a restaurant and he has two meals a day there. Our local council have a brochure with information on all the care homes and extra care in our area so it may be worth you contacting yours or looking on the website.

It’s also very important to get both the health and welfare and financial power of attorneys in place ASAP. I’ve found that everyone asks for sight of them now, even just for simple things like cancelling a telephone line or changing a hospital appointment.

My mum is 93 and fiercely independent. She has a gardener and that’s it. Has sacked cleaners before as its not done properly. Refuses point blank to have carers as she had bad ones tend my dad who was 94 when he died 5 years ago. She says the only way she will leave her home is in a box. She is a very private person and community living fills her with horror. She is 104 miles away from me but I get there as often as possible. She was ill recently with back spasm and I stayed for a month. I fear for this year as I can see she has got worse health wise, she is only 5 stone and so tiny, but very mentally with it. You cannot force someone to do something you think is best for them, so I do sympathise with your situation.

Forgot to say she has a pendant alarm and a key safe.

Pollyanna2
What a moving letter!
I think, having reached 92, your DM is doing well. I understand you having fears about her falling or getting ill but this could have happened at any time. It could happen to any of us now. I think she deserves the respect of being listened to and not made to feel she is being persuaded to leave her home or her way of living. It is her right to live how she wants. From what you say, her environment is safe, she is not hoarding piles of junk to fall over for example. It sounds as if she may just need someone to come in and make sure she eats at least at lunch time if she is forgetful. You have a Community Nurse to advise you.

When we ,- and I mean all of us here - (not Pollyanna2 on her own by any means) - talk about Residential Care as if there is no alternative or as if it is an inevitable end stage to our parent's life, in whose interests, exactly, are we sending them to Residential Care for? It's for them. You say. Because they are not safe at home. OK, in severe dementia they are not safe. What about Pollyanna2's mum? Is she "not safe"? if so how "not safe" is she? Being at risk is a continuum. So is being unhappy. What scenario are you trying to avoid that is unsafe if she stays at home? Is that actually worse than the degree of emotional distress you are going to inflict on her when you cast her out of her home and put her in an Institution?

When making a decision to remove a person from their home, please make sure you are doing it for their needs and not your needs or anxieties. If it is to stop you worrying, then forget it. You have no right to interfere. If your parent would rather fall and have a broken hip than go into an old people's residential home, that is their choice and they have the right to make that choice! It is the choice I shall make. I shall stay on my own and if that means I die earlier through accident that is fine.

My father, 14 years older than my mother, made a regular journey with his elderly friend through very dark country lanes. My mother decided as they were over 80 it was "time they should stop this nonsense." I asked why, she said they were too old and what if they broke down or had an accident? Bothe had their medical check for driving so were deemed fit to drive. I knew that not going would be another curtailment to dad's restricting life, at the hands of my mother. It was then that I realised that their age was simply an excuse to stop my dad enjoying something. It would be exactly the same if I were to make that journey. The road would be as dark, as winding and as icy. I told mum, they knew what they were doing, why make their old-age miserable? If they didn't come back at the expected time she would surely send a neighbour out to look or phone the Police? Why do we change our approach so acutely towards people when they are old? Dementia I can understand. But if a person is eating and is keeping reasonably clean and seems happy... why do we interfere?

Quality of life is all that matters. Being as contented as possible. Being as near as possible to being ourself. Not being forced into dire distress and irredeemable misery.

You are a good daughter, Pollyanna2, you know and love your mum. You couldn't be clearer when you said,

"I know, though, that mum would never survive in residential care".

That does answer those who say that people who said they did not want to live in Residential Care ended up enjoying it. Maybe some do. But who are we to think we shall know that our parent "will end up enjoying it"? There are too many elderly residents in care who definitely do NOT enjoy it! I really do know because I used to visit so many of them in so many different homes. Then there are the others who, having been forced there under enormous protest, die the day they arrive or soon after. How many of us know of a case of this happening? I certainly do.

The vast majority of residents in elderly care are putting on a brave face. Those who are doing really well are either quite fit or are wealthy and enjoy the luxuries of the more expensive Residential Homes.

To those who keep saying that you need to start planning residential care now, I say - in whose interests are you planning this? People talk about her going suddenly into hospital as though it is the worst scenario and failure too. It would be quite normal if she became unwell, frail and needed to go into hospital at her age! Most people go in to hospital some time before they die! There is nothing wrong if she did have to go in to hospital - I hope she won't - but should this happen, she will be looked after and not allowed home without many checks and measures put in place to ensure her care and safety.

The most important thing above anything else, is her state of mind. If your mum is happiest in her home then there she must. be. OCD always exists with underlying anxiety. It is something people do to alleviate anxiety. If she had it all her life then it is part of her. She is used to it. She does not want to be in an environment she cannot control. Most of all she would be very distressed in Residential Home environment surrounded by old people who would be around her, touching the things around her, sharing the same space, eating together etc.

It would, in fact drive me to insanity. If I were to be unloaded into a Residential Home with no hope of returning to my own home, then I would kill myself.

The only way I would survive it might be if I had advanced dementia.

Although it is a horrible worry to you, poor Pollyanna2, please do not put your mum in a home because at some point she might fall or become ill, because that would be for yourself. The Community Nurse may be able to come up with some good ideas for making sure your DM eats and is basically ok. Your mum will probably have to accept a little help in the house, but I am sure a way can be found to manage that so it impinges very little on your DM and bothers her as little as possible.

Being in her home really seems important to your DM or you would not have said so forcefully how residential care would affect her. Keep her there. Let's be realistic. She may live into her 100s, but not many people do, so why make her last years desperately unhappy by moving her?

If she has to go into hospital, she will understand. People do. Stop "dreading" the future if you possibly can. The forgetfulness sounds as if it is not galloping. She won't become utterly confused and unable to manage overnight, unless she has a stroke or hits her head and anyone can do that! . I doubt that she will reach that stage at all, take each day/month at a time and make sure she enjoys them!

If your dear mum has mental capacity, do as she tells you. She will love you and thank you for it.

Farawaynanny . Condolences on the loss of your mum.

Foxyferret. I think I am like your mum.

I hope my daughters will all be like you as I get older!

I recognise how terrifying it is every time you drive away from a visit to your DM, thinking "Will she be OK? Will she fall?" etc. But the kindest thing you can do is to respect her and know her. I can see you do. That is how you show your love! By letting her have the life she wants - her life and not putting pressure on her to go somewhere she would be "safe" and "looked after" because, if she is like me (and your description of her is very like me!) she would rather take the risk of falling over in her own home than being parked in a safe place where she would end her days just not being herself but feeling utterly miserable.

It is very loving to give in to your elderly parent and respect their wishes to live in their own home. I can bet you that they don't care a bit about whether they take a fall, or any of the things you poor daughters worry about! So try to give them their last part of their life how they want it to be! If they are not suffering from dementia, as my DM was, and can manage to eat and drink and have a wash, then be so grateful that they are living out their years the way they want to!