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Can I just share a secret with you all please?

(156 Posts)
EllaKeat Mon 19-Aug-19 20:48:54

I have been drinking far too much alcohol over the past year - a shocking amount.
I gave up smoking 18 months ago, and promptly replaced one addiction for another.
No one knows. Not my husband nor wider family and friends.
I have been drinking vodka every day, waiting until lunchtime before having 'just a little booster'. I have then been continuing to drink steadily throughout the afternoon, ending at dinner time, then going to bed at 8pm because I cant stay awake.
I am also quite down in general. Retirement is not suiting me very well, I am lonely and feel as though I have no purpose in life.
Anyway, that is the excuses over.
Today, I have gone for a full week without drinking a drop. As with smoking, I just decided to stop, and so far, touch wood, I have managed it.

I am quietly quite proud of myself, but had no one to tell in real life, for obvious reasons 😁
Just nice to be able to share it here.

Doodle Mon 19-Aug-19 20:51:18

Well done Ella. When you are feeling a bit down it is easy to take to drink to lessen the anxiety. Retirement affects people in different ways. Have you considered volunteering or doing a course to give you something else to do during the day.

Lessismore Mon 19-Aug-19 20:54:12

You are not alone.

EllaKeat Mon 19-Aug-19 20:56:02

Thank you Doodle 😀

I do need to do something about doing something, I know. My problem is having a DH who says every morning 'so what are we doing today'. If i do go off for a couple of hours we have a bit of an 'atmosphere'when I get back.
I have said we need to have time apart, but he thinks me walking the dog twice a day should suffice.
I need to toughen up. And I will!

notanan2 Mon 19-Aug-19 20:56:16

Well done!

EllaKeat Mon 19-Aug-19 20:57:25


Thank you so much!

Lessismore Mon 19-Aug-19 20:57:47

Sorry, this is just so alien to me, partners who go all huffy because the other wants to take up and activity or see a friend.

Harris27 Mon 19-Aug-19 20:59:59

I think you need something to give you a purpose again. Enroll in something you are interested in or join a group with like minded people.anything that gives you ‘me time’. Good luck x

grannylyn65 Mon 19-Aug-19 21:06:02

Yes, I stopped after drinking a litre of vodka a day. Been a while now

EllaKeat Mon 19-Aug-19 21:07:16

I know Lessismore, but a lot of it is my fault.
I hate upset, so rather than have a few rows many years ago, I just kow-towed to what he wanted for an easy life. I am now reaping the rewards!

The problem is he has no life apart from me and our grandchild who he adores. He wont go anywhere on his own because he is socially awkward, so has no interests putside the home at all.
If i say I am going off for the day (I went on the march in London for the day) all I get is 'well, what am I going to do?'
And the sad answer is I have no bloody idea!

Anyway, purpose of the post was to have a little boast about how proud I am of myself for not drinking.

Next big post will be to tell you about my new voluntary work 😁

EllaKeat Mon 19-Aug-19 21:09:57

@grannylyn65 brilliant! I bet you feel so much better for it - I am looking forward to saving a lot of money (!), losing some weight and losing the feeling of panic when the bottle is nearly empty and I cant think of an excuse to go go to the shop!

ginny Mon 19-Aug-19 21:12:19

Well done. Good luck with your new interest. Don’t let him drag you down. His choice if he doesn’t want a life you deserve one.

cornergran Mon 19-Aug-19 21:14:13

Good luck ella, you’ve taken a huge step. Now it sounds as if you need to take a deep breath and have something to give you purpose. It is difficult to be with someone who views retirement differently and so has different expectations. I think the next step is about managing your husband’s expectations by explaining gently but firmly that your views differ. Volunteering is often incredibly helpful, it doesn’t have to take a whole day if a half day works better. Have a think what you would like to do then be brave and make it happen. Come back and chat to us if it helps, there’s always someone to listen.

Glammy57 Mon 19-Aug-19 21:17:08

Well done, EllaKeat! 💐✊

BlueBelle Mon 19-Aug-19 21:19:25

First well done for making a great start
Secondly I too hate retirement I need purpose and I need commitment and to feel useful, needed to have a goal an in truth a reason to get up I have found all this in voluntary work and in community projects
It’s harder for you if your husband expects you to only do things with him but I think you have to make a little stand and mix and match your time between him and his leisure pursuits and something a bit more demanding
Good luck

Luckygirl Mon 19-Aug-19 22:32:05

Well I don't know you and I am proud of you! That all takes some guts.

The next step is to make a life of your own so you do not need drink, or any other prop. Your OH is entitled to lead his life as he wishes, but he must not make you do the same - you have your life to lead and he needs to be gently but firmly told this.

I wish you lots of good luck with taking things forward.

Tangerine Mon 19-Aug-19 22:38:50

Well done and keep it up. You've made the first step.

MissAdventure Mon 19-Aug-19 22:41:18

You've done brilliantly, just on your own, too!
I'm in awe of your willpower.
Well done, you! thanks

Grannycool52 Mon 19-Aug-19 23:04:17

Well done! It can't have been easy and you have done really well.

BradfordLass72 Mon 19-Aug-19 23:30:37

First let me add my congratulations. Keep going flowers

DH: 'Well what am I going to do?'

You: 'Clean the bathroom, change the beds, make yourself some lunch; look online for good books to read to grandchild; explore the Internet for websites about the things you enjoy; make a list of what you do like first smile; plan for us to have a weekend away somewhere - where?; mow the lawn; take the dog out for a walk; plan a special meal with all our favourite foods, make a list of them first.
Anything to motivate him.

Alternatively, if he won't listen or act, what does he do when you are there? Watch TV?
If he's happier doing that, there's his answer.

Maybe he's your community project - he doesn't have to go out and meet people if he's not easy doing so.

What would he do if you simply were not there forever? This needs thought and planning too, for both of you.

My mother was totally lost when my father died unexpectedly (fit, active, not overweight - as I am but still going strong and active at 72) she didn't even know how to regulate the central heating.
Fortunately she had always dealt with the money, otherwise I hate to think what a pickle she would have been in.

A lot of planning goes into a happy and productive life - you can't just coast or you drift into inertia and depression.

You are in the process of saving yourself - now it's his turn.

Happiyogi Mon 19-Aug-19 23:52:10

EllaKeat, well done you! Thanks for sharing your news. thanks

Labaik Mon 19-Aug-19 23:58:27

Ella; I was like that with cigarettes and can't keep chocolate/biscuits/'nice' alcohol in the house. However, if the temptation isn't there I don't crave any of it...just have no willpower. I do understand you wanting time to yourself as well; I think you need to be assertive. My boss once told me I should go on an assertiveness course; never did but often wonder what happens on one and if it would have worked for me. Congratulations, by the way.

leyla Tue 20-Aug-19 00:01:20

Very well done. Keep it up! You need social interaction with others as well as your husband otherwise you will have nothing to chat about. I joined the WI - the group here is a young group who do fun things. Shop around for different things. Could you join the U3A together but go to different events sometimes? Get involved! Keep busy. Good luck!

Grandma2213 Tue 20-Aug-19 00:14:31

Well done EllaKeat You clearly can be very strong so don't let your husband stop you now. Give him some ideas and they don't have to be 'social' ..... astronomy, creating a family tree, an online course, fishing. cooking, gardening, bird watching, collecting anything, etc the list is endless. If all else fails he can watch TV, read or just meditate!! Whatever but you should continue to be strong and proud. Live your life. (I am so glad I have no OH!).

Water69 Tue 20-Aug-19 00:20:52

Hi Ladies, great job Ella Keat! I have wine before dinner and always look forward to that! But sounds like you realized a problem and dealt with it. My husband is a retired farmer. Was hoping we could move off the farm and start a new life together in town. No such luck! I make the best of it, joining new groups, traveling to see my grandkids, exercise classes etc. Do you meditate or pray? It helps!