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No IVF for stepmum?

(48 Posts)
Cabbie21 Wed 18-May-22 09:16:17

On our local news yesterday was a young woman who has been denied NHS fertility treatment because her husband already has a child, her stepdaughter. She said, why should she be denied the opportunity because of what happened to someone else in the past?
I know the NHS fertility budget is very limited and there need to be some boundaries, but this seems cruel.
Apparently the policy is now going to be reviewed.

What do you think?

dragonfly46 Wed 18-May-22 09:20:56

Cabbie it was on our local news also.
It is a tricky one.
There are so many life saving treatments which are not approved because of cost I sometimes wonder if IVF should be funded at all.
It does seem cruel though - and such a pretty girl (although that has nothing to do with it of course)!

Cabbie21 Wed 18-May-22 09:23:48

I take your point, dragonfly. Maybe not at all?
Two of my lovely grandchildren were IVF babies, so I am biased pergaps.

Septimia Wed 18-May-22 09:23:51

I have family in the same situation. I think it is grossly unfair to deprive a woman of the chance to be a mother, especially if the husband's child isn't resident with them. I appreciate that it's expensive, but every woman who wishes to be a mother should be helped if possible.

Grandmabatty Wed 18-May-22 09:29:19

My lovely grandchildren are only here because of IVF and my daughter and son in law had to go through painful and rigorous testing to get them. They still have fertilised eggs stored which they have to pay a substantial amount every year to keep frozen. As they had a child from the first attempt, they have to pay for every other attempt. I feel very sorry for anyone who wants a child and because of health issues is unable to conceive one.

Grammaretto Wed 18-May-22 09:42:38

How can that be justified? I know of women who have used IVF to have babies without being married. Would that be funded by themselves? How should your marital status be relevant?
I guess by going public, this person may find a sympathetic cash donor as well as an egg donor?

Glorianny Wed 18-May-22 09:53:31

Apparently the whole NHS IVF system is a lottery anyway and a lot depends on where you live. Around £68million is spent on it a year. Providing a more equal and comprehensive system would cost much more.

Aveline Wed 18-May-22 09:55:03

With so many on the waiting lists for essential surgery it's understandable that IVF may not be high on NHS priority lists at present. I know it's hard for this young woman. I've just heard a very sad tale of woe from another young woman who had two oesophageal hernias and has just been told there is no limit to how long she will have to wait for surgery. She's in pain, has had to reduce work hours and can't sleep. No medication helps. The GP has tried everything.
Does every woman have a God given right to reproduce? The world is already overpopulated. I'm being harsh I know but it's a harsh world.

Germanshepherdsmum Wed 18-May-22 11:15:27

If you were desperate to have a baby after years of trying, know time isn’t on your side, all your friends were mothers and everywhere you went you could see nothing but babies and children would you still be so harsh?

Anniebach Wed 18-May-22 11:28:32

Again, mental health not important compared to physical health.

My younger daughter had 14 IVF treatments, not NHS, 5 miscarriages, no baby. A young woman my daughter met at the
hospital took her own life because she could only afford one

Mental pain can cause at times more suffering then physical pain. And no, my daughter didn’t think having a baby was a
God given right.

maddyone Wed 18-May-22 11:36:10

Three of my grandchildren are IVF children and one as a result of adoption. Infertility is a health condition. Why should it not be treated. Mind you, we had to pay for our daughter’s IVF.

Aveline Wed 18-May-22 11:45:54

germanshepherdsmum after seeing so many people in pain and with delayed cancer treatment - yes I would still be so harsh.

Germanshepherdsmum Wed 18-May-22 11:51:08

Try walking in my daughter in law’s shoes Aveline.
Thank you Annie.

Anniebach Wed 18-May-22 11:54:19

GSM for some, so easy to judge isn’t it x

maddyone Wed 18-May-22 11:58:18

It’s easy GMS for people who have had no fertility struggles to say it shouldn’t be offered on the NHS. People who have lots of lovely grandchildren conceived so easily. It’s a total lack of understanding I’m afraid.

Germanshepherdsmum Wed 18-May-22 12:00:48

It is Annie. Your daughter’s story is so very sad, as is that of her poor friend. My daughter in law is able to afford private treatment and is not a drain on the NHS but the pain is very real. Not just for her either.

Germanshepherdsmum Wed 18-May-22 12:01:26

Thanks for your understanding maddy.

maddyone Wed 18-May-22 12:08:04

That’s okay GSM, Annie’s daughter’s story is extremely sad. It’s difficult to understand how hard it was for her to go through 14 rounds of IVF, it must have been so very difficult. And difficult for Annie and her family to watch.
My daughter’s treatment was funded by ourselves and her PiL. She wasn’t eligible for NHS treatment in our area unless she’d had three miscarriages. She had one but then was unable to conceive. It’s difficult to watch, quite heartbreaking. It’s sad that those who don’t have such struggles seem unable to understand in many cases.
I hope your DiL is able to have successful IVF treatment.

Germanshepherdsmum Wed 18-May-22 12:25:45

Thanks maddy. Hasn’t worked so far but I keep praying for her. I think those who didn’t have difficulty having children (such as me) find it hard to understand the profound sorrow of infertility unless they see it first hand. I fully understand why women steal babies.

Yammy Wed 18-May-22 12:49:38


germanshepherdsmum after seeing so many people in pain and with delayed cancer treatment - yes I would still be so harsh.

I don't think you would if it were your family. We have had the situation in our family.
Also, it is a postcard lottery I know someone who actually moved house before they started because the area allowed more IVF treatments. and they sold their car for a cheaper one in case the NHS, IVF did not work.
If you have your own family when you plan and after a few attempts your attitude is bound to be different.
If it takes many years of miscarriages and the monthly wait you feel differently. I hate Stevie Wonder's song "Isn't she lovely made with love". because of that very reason.
I hope the IVF treatment works and you all will be so happy as a family.

Germanshepherdsmum Wed 18-May-22 13:15:50

Thanks Yammy.

Aveline Wed 18-May-22 13:42:59

What makes you think I don't know about this in my family?!

Cressida Wed 18-May-22 13:44:27

GSM & Annie please encourage them to consider adoption. My niece went through many years of IVF failures but is now 53 and Mum to 2 adopted pre-teen brothers and wishes she was younger.

I know what infertility does to your mental state having been told in the early 70's that we were unlikely to be able to have children. As a forces wife living in married quarters I was surrounded by babies and expectant mothers. We wanted children desperately so we applied to adopt but were turned down because we were fostering 2 young girls. It had started off as private foster arrangement but the mother had vanished and the adoption agency felt that we would keep the girls. (By this time Social Services were funding their care.) Six months later their Mum made contact and arrangements were made for the girls to go back to her and we were back to square one except that we were now regarded as foster parents and Social Services asked us to take short term placements. We fostered 6 children in Plymouth then moved to Portsmouth where we continued fostering.

Several years later we had 4 children living with us. A teenage girl, 2 teenage brothers and a 17 month Chinese girl when I discovered I was pregnant. (Must have been all those raging teenage hormones flying round!) 14 months later my 2nd son was born. Just before his 8th birthday his sister arrived.

IVF gives hope which is something I didn't have but hope can also prolong the agony. It's easy for me to say now that I possibly wouldn't have tried IVF but I was more focussed on having children than becoming pregnant. If we hadn't been turned down for adoption we would have had at least one adopted child. Fostering gave me children in my life and took the focus off the infertility.

Anniebach Wed 18-May-22 15:55:34

Aveline if it is happening in your family I hope you don’t tell
them ‘it isn’t a God given right’

Aveline Wed 18-May-22 16:03:42

I'd hope they work it out for themselves. There are other options. So many unwanted children in this world. There have always been couples who don't have children of their own but create happy families.