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Black DOG 13

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Anniebach Sun 18-Sep-22 15:04:41

Content warning - this thread discusses suicidal feelings. This Thread is for support, understanding and sharing of
all mental health problems

Anniebach Sun 18-Sep-22 15:14:08

I hope you don't mind me asking but how do you know if you have depression? I don't want to offend anyone who has it. I have had an awful week keep falling asleep and when awake and by myself keep crying. It's not like me. Feel like everything is getting on top of me. And can't see a way of shaking myself out of it.

I am normally the sort of person that copes with whatever life throws at me. But this week I am struggling.

Sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings by asking.

Anniebach Sun 18-Sep-22 15:30:52


I copied your post and brought it to the new thread.

You are welcome to join this thread and most certainly will
not hurt anyone’s feelings, all who post or have posted on BLACK DOG * do so because they experience depression,
anxiety,phobias, OCD etc.

So sorry you are having a difficult week. May I ask ?
this is the first time you have felt so low or the first time you
have been unable shake it off ?

I assure you all here will listen and understand x

HowVeryDareYou Sun 18-Sep-22 16:23:29

Whiff You might want to look at the NHS website, and take the Depression and Anxiety Assessment test. If you've been feeling low/sad/hopeless, etc., it would help to tell your GP. We on Black Dog have all experienced depression and/or anxiety. Feel free to post whatever you're comfortable with, we're all understanding x

HowVeryDareYou Sun 18-Sep-22 16:24:48

Anniebach, sorry, I saw that the last thread had reached 40 pages so I tried to start a new one and messed it up. I've emailed Gransnet and asked them to delete it. How are you today? x

Anniebach Sun 18-Sep-22 18:50:17

I am concerned for Whiff , hope she will post again,

To all, we have never advised a new poster to Google for information about health troubles, we listen and support,
hope you understand why I say this. X

How is everyone?

Whiff Sun 18-Sep-22 19:32:39

Anniebach I intend to post tomorrow . I did that NHS anxiety and depression test . Made me think about why I feel as I do. Think I know so will explain in my next post. Just hope it won't seem trivial . I have been reading this thread in its other parts for a few years.

Anniebach Sun 18-Sep-22 19:44:45

Whiff I assure you that nothing you say will be thought trivial.

My concern about googling is some years ago a poster did so
and was convinced she had cancer , she was so distressed, thankfully she didn’t.

Take care x

Sweetpeasue Sun 18-Sep-22 19:56:03

Whiff You were very kind to me when I joined GN and I asked about cross-stitching. We all have our own different troubles here as you may be aware. I'm really sorry about how you've felt lately. I hope you rest well tonight.

Doodle Sun 18-Sep-22 20:34:36

Dear Whiff as the others have said you will not offend or upset any of us here. We have all been where you are in some way or another.
Nothing is trivial if it makes you feel as you describe. Please don’t feel you have to explain anything more than you feel comfortable with.
Sometimes we know what’s causing us to be so upset. Sometimes the reason is buried away somewhere and we don’t want to think about it. Depression can make you feel tired.
Glad you found the new thread. I read your post on the last thread and was worried you might not find the new one.
HVDY nice of you to try starting a new thread. It can be difficult if you’re not used to doing it.
Hope you are having a good weekend with your DGDs.
Sweetpeasue hope you had a better night last night.
Annie thank you for another new thread. How are you this weekend.
Scaredycat I was awake for hours last night. Nothing wrong really just lots of small things going on in my mind. In the end I got up and sat in the armchair for a while. I must have fallen asleep eventually and dreamt I was going on a long walk but was so tired I could hardly lift one foot in front of the other. I was so exhausted when I woke up that I found I could go back to sleep. Hope you’ve had a good weekend.

VioletSky Sun 18-Sep-22 21:09:30

Hi all

Hope everyone is doing OK?

Saw the new thread pop up and didn't want to lose it.

I've been doing OK, back in a good work routine, too tired for insomnia. Dark thoughts have lifted quite a bit.

Pain levels not great with colder weather but used to that now and the electric blanket is back on which helps at night.

It's really difficult as a generally happy person dealing with depression. The ups and downs are the worst part.. the not really knowing how low you are until rock bottom hits.

I wasn't designed to be this way, my childhood did this to me. That feeling of not being good enough creeps back in if I'm alone with my faults or others affect me negatively.

I'm swimming at the moment but I'm staying near the liferaft

Sweetpeasue Sun 18-Sep-22 21:26:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wyllow3 Sun 18-Sep-22 21:36:54

Just coming in and sitting here listening.

HowVeryDareYou Sun 18-Sep-22 21:42:31

Anniebach I didn't suggest Whiff Googled her symptoms, merely suggested that the NHS online test might be useful. Are any of us on BD medically qualified? I think not, but we all have our own experience of mental health problems

Doodle Sun 18-Sep-22 21:44:44

Wyllow3 all are welcome here. You can join in if and when you feel like it, all we do is try and support each other.
Violetsky lovely to hear from you that you are feeling a bit better. That’s nice to hear. As long as you enjoy your work, which you seem to, it’s good to keep occupied.
Don’t ever feel not good enough. We are all special in our own way.
Sweetpeasue it’s so good to hear you’ve had a better night and day. Hope you continue to feel better.
Ellie Anne and Joce thinking of you both x.
Sleep well all.

Scaredycat Sun 18-Sep-22 21:57:37

Whiff- Welcome.Sorry life is so difficult for you at the moment. Sometimes the feelings you describe seem to come from nowhere and others can be for reasons from way back in our lives. We are all here to help one another.
HVDY- Hope you,ve had a good weekend with your family.
Doodle- oh those fretful nights they wear you out don’t they. Glad you finally got some proper sleep. Maybe your dream was telling you that you need to take it a bit easy for a while.
VioletSky- sounds like you are feeling a bit stronger. Never feel that you are not good enough , you are strong and have overcome a lot.
SweetPeaSue- So pleased you are feeling better today. You are right we should try and just live for the day and try not dwell on the past or worry about the future. Of course that is easier said than done - we can but try. Hope you have a pain free nightx
EllieAnne- hope today has had some good moments for you.
Annie- thinking of you this weekend and hope you have had visits from the new carer and if so that they are a pleasant ,friendly person. I have to wait now to see my son - hopefully in January. It will be 3 years .
Take care allxx

Joce345 Sun 18-Sep-22 22:43:24

Hello all just, sat hear in the background plodding like I do, thinking of you all..
Annie sending you hugs and love...
Doodle my little best friend is doing well we do a lot of walking has Annie says it really does help and puppy loves her walks. hope you are ok..
scaredycat how are you ? I pray you see your son soon that’s a long time not seeing him... I’m lucky my son and daughters or only at the most 10 mins away..
Whiff welcome to our lovely gang...
hello Wyllow,
Hvdy sweetpeasue any one I’ve misss have a peaceful night sleep.
I’m going away for a few days will catch up when I get back .
Night all 🌸🌸

Whiff Mon 19-Sep-22 06:11:49

Anniebach morning. Doing that NHS test made me think and sort out what has made me so low this week. I recognise some names from other threads so know how kind they are.
I ramble on so please bare with me.

Potted history all my life I have had problems with my limbs pain in them and fall a lot. Even though my parents took me to GPs and children's hospital told the same thing growing pains and I was clumsy. I was a shy,clever ,fat kid who was always falling at school the perfect target for bullies at school bullied from when I was 6 until 16. When my tormentors left school and I stayed to do A levels.

Already knew my husband through friends mainly my brother. And we started courting when I was 16 he was 18. He knew I had physical problems but never bothered him.

We married when I was 23 he was 24. Our daughter was born 2 years later and her brother when she was 4. My health got worse when I was 29 and our son was 6 months and daughter 4. Ended up in hospital 2 months later unable to control my limbs and in that much pain it made me scream. This was the bad old days 1988 and children had to be 12 to visit . I never saw my children for 3 weeks. No matter how many times times my husband asked they wouldn't let him bring them for 5 mins . Had tests no one knew what was wrong. In fact a nurse shouted at me to stop making a fuss I only had post natal depression. I was crying I missed my family.

My GP knew it was physical not mental health problems. But I saw a psychiatrist which my husband hated. But she agreed my problems where physical not mental.

Roll forward to 1992 and my GP sent me to London neurological and neurosurgery hospital and saw their top man the wonderful Professor Marsdon. Spend a week having every test available at the time.

Should say in 1988 I had jerks in my limbs I couldn't control and never had any warning they where going to do it. The pain had settled into my left arm and leg and still have chronic pain there to this day.

Professor Marsden couldn't tell me what was wrong but everything I hadn't got. So knew what was wrong wasn't killing me. Put me on tablets to treat the symptoms.

Should say my husband was brilliant and in 1988 said we will alter our life to suit what you can do so we can be a normal family and he kept his word. Because my walking was so bad it was easier for me to go in a wheelchair so we could all go out together. My GP organised it and got occupational therapy to give me some things to help in the home and did the forms for the orange disabled badge was it was in those days. He said to claim DLA as I wasn't going to get any better. We did got turned down and had to go to a tribunal which was awful and turned down because I had no diagnosis.

I have never been able to take our children to and from school. Both mom's helped. And I never missed out on school events my husband and dad made sure if that. Our children had a normal childhood even having a disabled mom.

In 34 years I have never used the word disabled to describe myself until this year. Doctors have always said I am but I have met people over those years far worse than me and it seemed wrong for me to class myself the same.

That has been a difficult thing to admit to myself. Sorry this is all over the place but it's hard to explain.

Our life settled into a pattern . And then in 2000 my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in the April had a mastectomy in May. Then in October my husband came home from work and thought he had caught his face on site. He had thick hair and a bushy beard. I looked and got the medical book and found a picture of what was on my husband's face a malignant melanoma. He saw the GP the next day and was told it was a bleeding mole. I said no and found out which GP specialist in skin problems. Week later we saw the consultant dermatologist who said he couldn't touch it as it was near his eye and would refer him to the plastic consultant. While there he sent for the McMillan skin nurse and she talked to us. I always knew it was a malignant melanoma she agreed. Saw the consultant plastic surgeon in November he said it looked benign. I said no it was malignant melanoma. Two days after Christmas he had a biopsy. January 2001 we found out I was right he had a grade 4 malignant melanoma and given 5 years to live. I had come to terms a long time ago I would die first but to find out my fit healthy husband would die first was hard for us to bare . Our children where 17 and 13 when we had to tell them their dad was going to die. My husband didn't want anyone else to know he wouldn't live as he didn't want to be treated differently. So as far as everyone else was concerned after he had the cancer removed and a skin graft he was going to be ok. He didn't need chemo or radiotherapy as they got all the cancer.

Sorry can't write anymore at the moment can't see through tears to write.

Wyllow3 Mon 19-Sep-22 07:13:26

Thank you for sharing your so difficult life Whiff. Your tears are very, very understandable. Love and peace to you.

I've been a service user of Mental Heath Services for 20 years (origins in childhood etc etc) and still get support tho things a lot better than they were for periods (long depressive episodes).
I've done some very good therapy - on the NHS before resources got very cut back.
I've seen a lot, I've been an inpatient and even had ECG before they realised that talking therapy was clearly indicated! So I have met people with many different MH conditions and understand more than I otherwise would.

I'm currently getting out of a second marriage where I experienced substantial emotional abuse, enough to get the police involved. Inevitably this dominates on and off at the moment, for the stress of it has given me bad CFS.

But I have joys in my life like my DGC from previous marriage (we still get on well) my dear sister and yoga and Quakers, and a real curiosity and sympathy for "what makes us tick".

A passion is that those of us who have difficulties in these ways should never feel shame or need to hide, but the reality is that despite all the talk in the media about "MH" its still an area that people can be afraid of encountering or be ashamed of.

Sweetpeasue Mon 19-Sep-22 08:22:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sweetpeasue Mon 19-Sep-22 08:29:53

Wylow3 Hello. I'm sorry you are going through a bad time right now and have been through what must have been very traumatic times. You will know more than I about MH and its services. Such a kind post to Whiff.
I hope you will not have too bad a day today, though I expect for many of us it will be a sad one and memories of loved ones gone will add to that. So pleased you have your DGC to bring you some happy times. X

Granny23 Mon 19-Sep-22 09:01:07

I have read but never posted on this thread but ATM have reached an all time low. I am hopeful that this too shall pass when all this fuss and public mourning about the Queens death has died down. I cannot help but contrast this with my Beloved DH's death and funeral 2 years ago when only a chosen few could attend the funeral and had to sit masked, a yard apart, no hugs. It has also reignited memories of my Mum & Dad's deaths and funerals. I am overwhelmed with grief and have shed the tears that did not flow at the time, as I had to be strong for my daughters and grandchildren.

Perhaps this time will prove to be cathartic rather than upsetting for those of us who have lost our most precious loved ones.

Wyllow3 Mon 19-Sep-22 09:21:28

Thoughts for Whiff. What Sweetpeasue said above,

I think you have been extraordinary in your coping so far, and that your feelings at present are normal for the situation!

It certainly sounds like you are depressed at the moment. It takes huge effort to call and ring GP's but I agree its worth it.

It sounds like you have had to fight the label, "its in your mind" many times in your life but this is a reaction to a very stressful and specific situation now and there may be ways of making you feel a little better. (without anyone slapping a label on your forehead).

If you are offered drugs then try and see it like this, " I might need an umbrella to shelter under in this storm, its not forever".

If you feel that talking about it to those who know more, I just googled and found this:
"If you would like to talk, you can: Call the Macmillan Support Line on 0808 808 00 00. Chat to our information and support specialists online. Visit our Online Community to talk to other carers and share your experience."

But that might not be for you, and certainly keep posting.

Anniebach Mon 19-Sep-22 12:16:55

Hi all x

Welcome Wyllow3 and Granny23

Whiff Thank you for sharing , tears can release suppressed
emotions and this can be for the good. Do consult your G.P. my
love, if medication is advised then no different to taking physical pain relief. I too have a wheelchair, my granddaughters put a sticker on the back ‘you have just been
overtaken by our Grannie’ and a Welsh flag.

Please share here when you wish, all here have troubles which
affect our mental health, different troubles but all cause distress
Sending you hugs x

Wyllow thank you for sharing, you have endured much pain,
I so agree with you re mental health, my first experience was
1966, PTSD, the treatment then was Valium, it was some years
later I received counselling. You speak of attitudes towards mental health, I don’t want this to be me talking about me but
it is for me important to say, in 1971 I gave birth to our second
child, I had to go into a psychiatric unit, PD, we were living in
a police house, whilst I was in the hospital the police moved my husband and children to another town - to save me
embarrassment ! I was so angry and have spoken out about
mental illnesses ever since , I share your passion.
You are going through a very difficult period I am so sorry and
send a hug x

Granny23 I assure you that many feel as you do this week,
not being able to have a hug when your husband died ? The very time you needed hugs and the touch of a hand, it’s
only two years you are still coping with heavy grief, sending you a hug, do post whenever you wish x

VioletSkyy swimming , plodding, we understand X

HVDY please accept my apology, I posted in a rush and didn’t word it correctly x

How is everyone?

Wyllow3 Mon 19-Sep-22 14:34:31

I was a bit fuzzy this morning and still getting to know you all so I missed your post Granny 23

It must have been tough to come in for the first time so I hope you will accept a later in the day hug and thank you for sharing because I am certain that you are not alone in missing your DH particularly today. I do not know the right words to ease your pain but just to "Walk with you".

Annie thank you for sharing what happened to you so long ago and the realities and shame that used to go with your condition at the time. Well done the anger you felt.

Shame that still lingers on for many, and there is fear that you will be labelled and discarded or not taken seriously, not "heard", since by and large we still cant talk about it as if it were diabetes or shingles!