Thank you. I wish there was a big hug button I could click on every message here.
I get frightened because I'm such a mess of contradictions. I think I probably come across to others as composed and clever and a bit aloof if not a bit weird but I'm really full of self doubt and often wonder if I fit in. I was told once when I was a local councillor that I was a good mixer and got invited to more than my share of mayor's receptions, and it's true that I can talk freely with strangers whether they're housing activists or ambassadors, but put me with a group of more than two or three friends and acquantances and I panic and switch off. I retreat into books and films, often of the kind that nobody else wants to talk about, I do courses and even do maths for fun sometimes, and I feel that everything I do, even going to the theatre or a concert I have to do it alone. I've never really found a role in the world, especially since I retired. I had a good career in IT until I was 40 and found that I was too old and not male enough for that industry so I, along with my accumulated, experience, was not wanted.
I don't even know if I belong here. My only child, my DD, who is 42, shows no sign of being at all maternal so I am grandchild-free. My only other surviving close relative, my sister, has been estranged from me for years: I know I have several great-neplings on that side but have never met any of them. Since my sister couldn't be arsed to turn up at our mum's funeral, never mind contribute anything during her long slide into dementia, I have no desire to make contact.