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House and home

Moving in with daughter and son in law

(31 Posts)
AlPam Wed 16-Sep-20 17:45:09

Hello all, we're new here so apologies if this is not in the correct forum. My wife and I are both 75 and bar the odd ache here and there and some stent surgery around 10 years back we are in great health. Our 3 bed semi and garden are just beginning to get a little large for us to comfortably maintain. Over the last few months of lockdown my daughter has done all of our shopping and errands and has been a godsend. Around 3 years ago my son-in-law said he proposed to have his double garage converted into a "granny flat" with a view for parents to move in when needed. The builders did a great job. Though the Granny Flat is attached to my daughter and son in laws main house it has its own front door, a small living area (though I suspect this is larger than many living rooms in new 2020 builds!), a large ensuite with walk in shower and a bedroom. We have recently talked about downsizing and then my son-in-law said we could move in with my daughter and him. This is something we are considering. We have always got on so well as a family (ie spending most weekends with each other and the grandchildren and regularly going away for a week or two weeks holiday with them. My son also joins us each and gets on so well with Son in Law and his sister) so moving in with them doesnt cause anyone any worry or concern. Yes that the the "Granny Flat" will give us a smaller home buts that will make it easier to manage with our own private garden (maintained by son in law thankfully) it will still allow us our independence and privacy (and most importantly still gives my daughters family privacy also). We will spend more time together when we want to etc and they have said they will be happier if we are living with them as we "age" - that depressing word!!! My daughter and son-in-law do not want us to pay any rent etc but we will give towards electric/gas costs and food of course. We have a good pension and savings etc and the house has been free of mortgage for years. Anyway my husband and I are looking to sell our home and I would like to give half of the proceeds of the sale to my Daughter and Son-In-Law and the other half to my son. We've always told the children that the house is their inheritance anyway as we plan to enjoy and spend our pension and savings whilst we can enjoy them! Would the pose any tax implications for them or even though we are in good health now could it be looked upon as dispersal of funds etc if down the line we need to move into care. To be honest my children could make more use of the money now and we will be happy knowing that we have helped our kids long before we depart. Anyway your thoughts on this would be appreciated.

Riverwalk Wed 16-Sep-20 18:20:52

My wife and I/my husband and I confused

Aldom Wed 16-Sep-20 18:26:42

Riverwalk I noticed that too??? Strange isn't it.

Starblaze Wed 16-Sep-20 18:28:05

Sounds a bit small for you, your wife and your husband really

flyinghandbagisback Wed 16-Sep-20 18:28:45


^My wife and I/my husband and I^ confused

It's obviously been written by both of them, Riverwalk. Why the confused face? X

Niobe Wed 16-Sep-20 18:41:48

If you give the money to your children you will be deemed to have deprived yourself of assets if you need care in the future.
If you do move in to this annex you need to decide what would happen if your daughter predeceased you or your wife and your son in law remarried. Could you bear to stay living there?

If your house and garden are too much for you I would urge you to downsize, perhaps to a flat with one bedroom and keep your finances separate from your children’s. A family friend of my parents was in the position where both hers sons died before her and , thankfully , she had kept her own house despite both her sons offering her the chance to move in with them.

Harris27 Wed 16-Sep-20 18:48:01

I would definitely consider moving in with two as you get on so well. However the proceeds of your house I would keep in a special account for a little further r down the road just as an insurance policy that everything is working well and you can then decide to give them something in the near future also you could keep A little for yourselves for any future expenses needed.

grannysyb Wed 16-Sep-20 19:18:42

Speak to lawyers about possible consequences, DHs younger daughter has just had her mother move in, they are going to extend the house they bought jointly last year, they got lots of advice about their legal position before they went ahead.

Callistemon Wed 16-Sep-20 19:27:33

Does it have its own kitchen?
That is most important.

75 seems rather young to be considering this unless you are both in poor health.

What will you do all day?

Jaxjacky Wed 16-Sep-20 19:44:58

Do you both drive/have outside interests and friends? Does the flat have any outside space, I’d really miss that having had a garden. Couldn’t comment on the financials as I’m not qualified.
Maybe try staying there for a few trial periods before you commit?

Kamiso Wed 16-Sep-20 20:12:24

My friend’s mother lived with them and it worked well. They respected each other’s privacy and even the toddler was taught to knock on Nanny’s door and not fuss if she didn’t answer.

Didn’t do so well for another family. Grandma insisted on having the mid section of the house and questioned everyone passing her door. I knew her well but the teenagers got fed up with the inquisitions. They started to grate (probably on each other) and it wasn’t a happy set up.

You seem to have thought things through carefully and it would be easier for your family if either of you need care at a later stage but it would be sensible to put the house money to one side until you have lived together for at least a year so you have a way out in case the unexpected happens.

You’ll need professional advice about the financial side and possibly some kind of legal advice in case something unforeseen happens.

Calendargirl Wed 16-Sep-20 20:29:00


Does it have its own kitchen?
That is most important.

75 seems rather young to be considering this unless you are both in poor health.

What will you do all day?

Yes Callistemon I wondered
about the kitchen, as no mention is made of one.
I agree 75 seems youngish, but perhaps the time to make changes is when you are still pretty active. So many older people leave it until they are just too old to make a new start, and physically unable to do it themselves.
The money aspect needs thinking about though, death, divorce, things can change down the line.
What seemed a perfect scenario might not be in years to come.
Sorry to sound all doom and gloom, but got to be realistic.

Grannyben Wed 16-Sep-20 20:39:25

Can I please advise caution. 10 years ago, my husband and I were in a similar position. Our children had left home and we looked at my mum moving into our home (it was him who originally raised the discussion). She absolutely thought the world of her son in law but, decided against. The following year, after a very long and seemingly happy marriage my husband left and forced the sale of our home. My mum would have been facing homelessness, as did I. Had I been asked, the previous year, I would have laughed at the thought this scenario was even possible.

Recently, lovely neighbours had her unwell mother living with them. It worked extremely well for over 5 years but, last year, the daughter unexpectedly died from pneumonia leaving the husband and mother in law together. The husband has now started seeing another woman and the mother in law has found herself unable to cope with the situation. At the end of her life and, in ill health, she is now looking for a new home.

Obviously any move you make may end up wonderfully well but, none of us know what is round the corner.

Lexisgranny Wed 16-Sep-20 20:45:36

As this is such a big step I would strongly advise that you get legal advice to discuss the outcome in all eventualities. These are uncertain times when it is even more important to ensure that you are acting in the interests of all concerned. A good solicitor would give you peace of mind before making a final decision.

biba70 Wed 16-Sep-20 20:48:24

I wouldn't- as much as I love them. What happens if anything happens to your daughter, and your sil starts another relationship/re-marries? I know of one case where this happened and the result was a total disaster. And another case where livign so close, and for the parents to be in a limited space- to end up in very tense relationship.

Certainly get serious legal advice.

janeainsworth Wed 16-Sep-20 20:50:55

I’d be climbing the walls.

MissAdventure Wed 16-Sep-20 20:51:08

I think it would be wise to consider all eventualities; even the ones you're sure could never happen.

mumofmadboys Wed 16-Sep-20 20:57:04

Could you keep your own house and rent it out and that way things can be reversed if the situation changes?

BlueBelle Wed 16-Sep-20 21:14:18

I certainly wouldn’t, not because I don’t love my kids but because I do love them I don’t want any of them to have to “look after me” spoiling there own lives, and it can became a huge burden on their shoulders if either of you become mentally or physically ill and are on their doorstep I would NEVER put this on my kids shoulders
But each to his own if it’s suits you all

But I am curious are you the wife or the husband ? Al or Pam ?
As you are only 75 (same as me) and in good health why have you stopped doing your own shopping and ‘living‘ 75 seems so young to me

Callistemon Wed 16-Sep-20 22:40:25

I agree 75 seems youngish, but perhaps the time to make changes is when you are still pretty active. So many older people leave it until they are just too old to make a new start, and physically unable to do it themselves.

You're right, Calendargirl but that seems to be a drastic move for a couple in their mid-70s in great health.
If they intended to travel a lot it could be a good idea but that's not possible just now.

Grammaretto Wed 16-Sep-20 23:07:40

A converted garage from a 3 bed house with garden. No thanks.
I also know of people who successfully have moved into a granny annexe. It did not work well for either party when my mum moved into a flat within our house. We lasted 3 years but I was stuck in between a demaning parent and equally demanding children.
We got on much better when she moved out and into her own place.

fevertree Thu 17-Sep-20 08:28:44

My sister moved in with her son and DIL three years and they are all very happy! Just posting this because sometimes it does work out well smile. Also, success at communal living depends on the personalities involved.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

BlueBelle Thu 17-Sep-20 08:35:33

My paternal grandma lived with my aunt and uncle or rather the othe4 way round My aunt doted on her, consequently my gran did nothing for herself she was ‘ looked after’ from a very young age ( sixties) consequently my memories of her is her just ‘sitting‘ and being told ‘I ll get that mum’ where as my memories with my other Nan is shopping, going on trains, buses, Nan ran a small boarding house and I helped change the beds on a Saturday and stand by the front door saying bye bye to the visitors and hoping for a tip for the ‘dear little girl’

Furret Thu 17-Sep-20 08:38:20

So long as you are living separately from them and not infringing on their privacy and family life, then fine.

Sarnia Thu 17-Sep-20 08:50:52

My youngest daughter and her husband lived with me in my home for 10 years while they saved for a deposit for their own home. They had their 2 girls in that time. Early in 2019 they started looking for a house but they wanted me to move with them. I am widowed, 72 and in average health. We have our ups and downs but taken all in all get on very well. I sold my house and moved with them. I gave my 2 sons and 2 daughters the bulk of their inheritance at that time. It gave me a lot of pleasure being able to see them put that money to good use. I now have my own sitting room and bedroom in a ground floor extension and share the kitchen. My door is never closed as I like the closeness of family but I have that choice. I don't have the financial worry of maintaining this house. I pay my share of the domestic bills but live here free as they lived free with me whilst they saved their deposit. This arrangement would not work for everyone but I consider myself very fortunate to be living my retirement years in this set-up.