No discussion

I cook different meals for us several days a week as DH is a meat and potatoes man and I prefer variety. I buy loads of things that he wouldn't touch and he puts in the trolley things that he likes Let your DH have what he wants and you do likewise, why do you just go along with his choices day after day?

I would get up earlier than him and get out what I wanted to eat before he was up. Would make sure it was things I wanted to eat and if he didn't agree then he could cook his own.

I'm the same as Tanith. It's a bit more hassle to prepare two different meals, but worth it if you end up eating something that you enjoy.

What would happen if you put your foot down and insisted that you made the choice for both of you sometimes?

I often prepare two different dishes... I don't eat meat, my husband sees it as essential. The reasons I don't eat meat is simply because I don't like it but I have no objection to eating say a roast dinner - I just don't eat the meat.

I wouldn't be happy with the situation you have. Have you told your husband how you feel about it? If you have spoken to him and he's still adamant that he should be able to choose I think I would point out how unreasonable his viewpoint is in fairly strong terms.

If that fails then I would just cook something for him and something else that you would like. I hate fiddling around doing portions for one so I usually make, say, a large veg curry and freeze in single portion sizes.

I'm a bit confused. Could you explain why you don't say to him: I'm not having that......I want so and so.
Would you go into a restaurant and just accept what they put in front of you?

I'm more than confused what right does someone have to dictate what you are eating that day my OH would never dream of undermining me in this way it sounds as though control freak doesn't even hit the sides of this man,a bully would be more of a corect discription sorry ladies.

I had this conversation with DH just the other day. I don't know how it started but I said to him that if we had to live on everything he liked, I would die of boredom in a month. He is not eclectic in his food choices, and he isn't allowed to dictate what both of us will eat. Why should you have to put up with such arbitrary behaviour?

Just ignore it? If he wants to eat that let him, you eat what you want.

I'd leave his choice on the worktop for him to cook and cook what I wanted for myself. Not all the time. If I wanted what he'd put out then we could both enjoy it. The solution is in your hands. He can't make you do anything you don't want to do.

The answer is simple. Do not let him control you.

Next time he gets the food out just tell him that if that is what he wants you are sure he will be happy to cook it for himself, but you are having,,, whatever your choice is.

But I think it still comes back to why on earth do you let him control you so - and perhaps that is the issue you need to address

DH after retirement took over the shopping and does have an awful tendency to buy only the food he likes- kidney, mince,steak. He hates me shopping as I spend according to him, as if money grows on trees. I refuse to cook poor quality food so I've taken to encouraging him to go to our local farm shop rather than Tesco reduced counter. It's been a long struggle . Rubbish food which he buys I cook straight away and tend to add stuff to it which I know he doesn't like. Not devious me oh no.

Does he do the shopping? If not then buy the food you like as well as the food he likes.

I agree with others that you must stand up to him. How about one morning when he gets the food out for the evening, just tell him that you don't fancy that but if he wants it, he can cook it and you are off out for a meal in the local pub/restaurant.

Does he cook it as well or are you expected to do it? It's not clear. My Oh does the cooking as I'm veggie and he isn't so he knows he won't get any meat unless he cooks. He does ask me what I'd like and makes suggestions though beforehand so if he's having baked potato with his meal he'll make me one with cheese or spicy beans or whatever. Suits me. I wouldn't go along with your OHs controlling though. Can't you just say "I fancy...." whatever and make it yourself?

Ladies,thank you for your advice, from now on even if it means making two meals I am going to try, and have what I want, then I can cook, he takes over that part too. Many say why do I let him control me, he has always been like this but worse with age, used to getting hiw own way because sometimes it is better than arguments, when he gets REALLY furious, and it is often frightening to be honest. I should have heard warning bells, a few years after I had met him, after my Husband died, a friend of his ex, who I know too said "now K---- can do as she wants" I know what she meant. From now on I shall make the meals I like. I must add, my Husband is Swedish and we live in Sweden I think he thinks the things I like are too simple, I like macaroni cheese, shepherds pie, maybe even just egg and chips, ok they arent exclusive, but when you dont get them they become very exclusive. Must get on with my egg and chips while DH is out for the evening!

Hello Diddy1. I was going to verbalise my tuppenceworth rather on the lines of the others until I read 'it is often frightening' in your script. Complete change in my tack.....anyone who ever causes me to be afraid in my life has no place there. Dramatic but true. Sorry and good luck.

How long have you let him get away with this? You really must take a stand and insist that your opinions matter too. Perhaps if you've never questioned him he doesn't realise what he's doing.

Life is far too short to be unhappy and to let someone control you, we are all free to have our own choices and we all deserve respect if we show that to others. You are clearly frustrated with your life, so everyday you should take back control a bit at a time, and learn to say NO.

I was married to a control freak for 18 years, and it was a miserable life. As soon as the kids were in their teens I took them and myself out of the situation. He was mad jealous too, and had a violent temper. Best thing I did was to leave, and should have done earlier. Of course I am not suggesting it would be appropriate for everyone. Life is for enjoying lovey x

If you want to find out more there is a book called Why Does He Do That. You might find it helpful in this situation.

I like your idea of just choosing what you want for your dinner regardless op but maybe consider having a regular DIY tea - you cook yours and he does his.

In a way this doesn't sound as control-freaky to me as it does to some other members. The husband here does the cooking right? Well in my house I do the cooking and because of that I select the ingredients, just as this husband does. I do bear in mind my husband's tastes, but I actually decide what's on the table each day. I have never thought of that as controlling him, just part of the role of being the household cook. So if this poster said "I'd like to cook on one day of each week" it's possible he'd assume that she would be choosing the menu and leave her to it.

I'm with Kim19. Being afraid of your DH is just not on! Stand up to him. He's a bully. Bullies usually back down when confronted. Good luck!

Can't help thinking that this is just bullying. You write that you are afraid of him and that is how bullies operate, he probably won't explode, but he might and that possibility is enough for you to bow to his wishes. I wonder if this level of control extends to other areas of your life?

I do all the cooking asDH is not much good at it - if I am incapacitated in any way he does his best under direction and something easy. However we shop together and he does choose things - we usually agree anyway and we are both up for trying new things. There are a couple of things he loves but I am not keen on - roast turkey leg and breast of lamb - I did the latter last night but gave it all to him as we had eaten at lunchtime so I had more of a snack. The turkey I do eat a small amount of. I like prawns and he is not keen so I make the cocktail sauce to go on them and he is quite happy!
I have to say that I do feel lucky as he is so appreciative of all I make for him to eat and he does say when he loves it but is gentle with any criticism. I also have a son who never left the table without saying thank you - and I notice he does the same to his wife. My father was the same and I notice that DGS always says to DD - non of them were told or taught to do it.

From past experience, gladly it's over now because I realised I was as much to blame as him. People only control you because you allow them to. If you are not happy with things as they are, then refuse to participate. It might cause a row, but so what? Good luck, however you decide to tackle your problem.