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Is my son ok.

(18 Posts)
WendyH Sat 24-Dec-11 10:00:52

Our son has not spoken to us or his brother and sister for the last five years, and we have not been allowed to see or hear anything of our grandchildren who are now 8 and 5.
All letters and gifts have been returned unopened and yes that was our post today. However my son has always been the one to write on the envelopes or parcels, but for my granddaughters birthday in November and now our Christmas post my daughter in law has written our address to return them.

How do I find out if my son is ok? Should I worry, I don't know. It doesn't get any easier does it

absentgrana Sat 24-Dec-11 10:08:09

WendyH What a heartbreak. Is there another family member or friend who might know whether your son is okay and who would be willing to let you know? I'm so sorry but I don't have any bright ideas. No doubt you have tried to think of every possibility yourselves in the last month. I just send good wishes and hope whatever the problem is, it will ultimately be happily resolved.

greenmossgiel Sat 24-Dec-11 10:17:12

What an awful situation and, as you know, one that so many grans on here are suffering. Try to think on the positive side, WendyH, if you can. The fact that your daughter-in-law has addressed the parcels could just be that your son has reminded her that they need to be sent and asked her to get them to the Post Office.
It's horrible to think that the only contact you have is the return of the presents that you're sending with so much love, and that you're looking for these to come back so that you still have that tiny bit of contact. Is there any way of contacting any of his friends to see if they know how he's getting on? Or could you even phone his house, even risking an angry response?

Carol Sat 24-Dec-11 10:50:21

WendyH this is a club that so many of us are finding ourselves in and wouldn't want to join. So heartbreaking for you. Do we need a massive culture change or educational movement in this country, to enlighten parents about the harmful effects of using their children as weapons or denying them contact with loving grandparents and estranged fathers?

Do you have an ally who is in touch with him, who could give positive messages about you, and comment about the benefits for children of being in close contact with loving grandparents?

Also, do you go on the Grandparents Association website? There are useful template letters on there, that could help with another letter requesting that you hear from them.

I hope other Gransnetters can come up with something more constructive.
Good luck x

nanachrissy Sat 24-Dec-11 11:01:07

WendyH How heartbreaking this situation is for all of you gnetters. I have no help to offer, only love and sympathy and hugs. thanks
I hope next year things get better for everyone of you. sad

supernana Sat 24-Dec-11 11:08:41

WendyH I am in tears. I can only imagine the pain you are feeling. What on earth is going on? You have a right to an explanation. Nothing could hurt you more than "not knowing". I wish that I could give you some comfort. Please keep us updated. You deserve so much better and I wish you a surprisingly happy 2012. NEVER give up.

JessM Sat 24-Dec-11 11:20:41

Someone, Carol I think it was, suggested keep checking facebook.
Check people he knows on facebook as well.
I'm sure he is fine and you are just feeling understandably fragile.

Stansgran Sat 24-Dec-11 11:28:11

If you have their phone number ask a friend to ring-preferably someone they don't know who can do a good acting job-is that Mr. soandso who used to live in X and so on.
Could it be that he really didn't want to return the children's gifts but his wife did?

grannyactivist Sat 24-Dec-11 11:36:57

WendyH I'm so sorry for your sad situation. There are many reasons why your DIL may have written the return address, with the obvious one already having been mentioned. I would suggest writing a postcard to your son telling him of your worry and say that unless he confirms that he is well then you or a family member will visit. I once did something similar when my ex-H refused to meet with our daughter; I told him that unless he arranged a meeting I would simply drop her off at his home with her suitcase.
I am allowed to send gifts and cards to my estranged daughter and her three children via an intermediary, but it is very hard at this time of the year not to feel desperately sad. I have never been allowed to meet my four year old granddaughter. sad

Ariadne Sat 24-Dec-11 11:47:11

WendyH (((hugs))) I am so sorry, as I am for all of you in this situation. I don't know how you cope. I also realise just how lucky I am. Blessing to all of you.

susiecb Sat 24-Dec-11 11:54:20

WendyH I am so sorry what a dreadful situation for you . My husbands son got in touch just before last Xmas after an abscence of over 20 years. Although it will be difficult how about just letting it go for a while and not sending anything and just see if the situation will heal given time. We left my husbands son alone and it was a very long time. DH had got to the point where he thought it would never happen and then out of the blue it did. I hope it comes right for you in the end but until then here's a big hug and I do hope you will have a good Christmas. Best wishesthanks

WendyH Sat 24-Dec-11 12:16:58

I can't thank you enough for all the love, hugs and good wishes from you all. It moved me to tears. I am so glad I have found a way to talk about this instead of putting on this brave face.

There are no family members who could contact him tho, he rarely goes on facebook but I can perhaps contact one of his friends for news. So thanks for the idea.
The last time his brother tried to contact him he threatened to have an injunction served on him.

You have all made me feel better thank you so much for your support. I will try and use Gransnet more often, hopefully to return the compliment and offer support to others

Merry Christmas to you all x

Carol Sat 24-Dec-11 12:27:23

How on earth a friendly postcard expressing love can warrant an injunction I don't know - to send a card as a friendly gesture, asking nothing in return, would at least set some seed for another, slightly fuller card later on.

Faye Sat 24-Dec-11 12:35:37

Wendy thanks

kittylester Sat 24-Dec-11 12:53:50

Wendy just more thanks from me.

petallus Sat 24-Dec-11 16:37:07

What a difficult situation for you to be in WendyH. As well as feeling sorry for you I feel angry at the way your son/daughter-in-law are behaving; maybe they don't realise how cruel they are being. I don't have much to add to what others have said here except I hope you have an enjoyable Christmas with the rest of your family in spite of this ongoing situation. It is more than likely that your son is fine and there is always hope that the situation will change for the better in the future.

glammanana Sat 24-Dec-11 20:24:54

What a sad situation to be in WendyH and you will feel it more at this time of the year so awful when there is a break up within a family you have all my ((hugs)) and best wishes,is there any chance that your DH can speak to your son on a man to man basis and tell him how distressing this is for you all.Keep strong things may turn for the better soon xx thanks

bikergran Sat 24-Dec-11 20:30:49

not sure what to say to help.but If I do think of something then I wil be back....do you live nearby your son? yes maybe facebook is the answer as there seems to be ways and means to sort of get around face book through others/friends etc...although I am not too familiar with it myself, thanks