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Family Weddings

(23 Posts)
Yorkshiregel Sat 22-Oct-16 11:55:33

Over the years I have seen how family weddings can cause a lot of heart-ache. It may be unintentional, thoughtless or deliberately unkind.

My own experience has had remarks made, or not made, that have upset me but I have had to grow a thick skin and ignore them. That does not mean that I did not feel hurt, I did, but I decided the best thing was to ignore them, put them aside and pretend they were never said.

I treated all three of my sons weddings the same. I offered to pay for church fees, flowers, cars, cake and wedding bells for all of them. Which was gratefully accepted on each occasion. Standing outside after the ceremony at the first wedding listening to the joyous sound of wedding bells, I over-heard the bride say to her friend 'What a racket'! At the second wedding the bride stood up and thanked her Mother profusely for everything she had done and said not one word about me in her speech. At the third wedding again the bride stood up and thanked her Mother but also left me out of her speech.

I am not usually sensitive to these things, but surely when I had done my best to help out I should have been thanked a little bit too don't you think?

I don't think DIL think about how their words, or lack of, can affect their new MIL. I know I felt very upset at the time. I have had to grit my teeth and keep quiet so as not to cause a problem with my new Daughters in Law. Mothers in Law sometimes feel like they are walking on thin ice don't they.

What do you think?

mumofmadboys Sat 22-Oct-16 12:05:35

I'm sure it was an oversight. I , like you, would feel hurt but just try and put it behind you and don't dwell on it. Do your best to have good relationships with them all now. I too only have lads.

tanith Sat 22-Oct-16 12:08:11

Maybe your sons thanked you profusely and didn't mention their MIL but left that to their bride.
Its ok to feel hurt but I think you did the right thing in not making your feelings clear, family relationships are difficult enough you've made the right decision to grit your teeth and just get on with it.

ninathenana Sat 22-Oct-16 12:12:20

I don't have sons but I too would have been hurt not to be mentioned in the brides thankyous, I think that's rude. Did your sons make speeches, did the mention you ?My daughter didn't make a speech at her wedding if she had she would have had nothing to thank her in-laws for grin as they contributed zero! No help organizing and certainly no financial contribution.

Fi61 Sun 23-Oct-16 09:36:22

At my daughter's wedding, my sil gave a speech singing my praises profusely. Saying I had been more of a mother to him than his own mother!l. So much so, his mother walked out! Very embarrassing. They are divorced now...........he was a selfish sociopath who didn't care about anyone except himself. The speech should have been a give away! 🤔

Sheilasue Sun 23-Oct-16 09:41:35

Don't get me started on family weddings grrrrr

DaphneBroon Sun 23-Oct-16 09:45:24

One SIL endeared himself to me for life, when, thanking all those who had helped with the decoration of the reception venue, he gave a special mention to the MILES of bunting which had been sewn. He said there had been 2 "teams" responsible, Team A, the bride's sister, her boyfriend, her cousin, cousin's boyfriend, a couple of flatmates ...... and Team B - Daphne! Bless him! smile

Tessa101 Sun 23-Oct-16 09:57:26

I too have daughters, however weddings I've been to lately the in laws were treated exactly the same in the speeches and with the gifts they received i.e. A piece of jewellery and a bouquet of flowers as they were both sat at top table so would have been awkward if the hadn't. I would have been hurt as well especially as it happened three times but as other posters have said don't let it define your relationship with your DILs put it behind you and hopefully you will have a good relationship with all of them.

radicalnan Sun 23-Oct-16 10:04:36

Sad that weddings have become such a circus that the cost a fortune and leave people feeling their contribution wasn't recognised.

Give with a glad heart, for your own love's sake and expect no thanks............

Yorkshiregel Sun 23-Oct-16 10:10:58

Well it is not just me then. Maybe someone might see this post and remind their brides-to-be to include Mother in Law too?

I haven't mentioned this to anyone so it was a relief just to say it. Now I can forget about it, knowing I was not being over-sensitive.

I usually wait for them to ask for my advice, but I am always there if they need help financially or otherwise in more practical ways. I am not a saint, but I am not an ogre either. There must be a lot of MILs out there in the position I was in, ie red faced and teary eyed. If only DILs would stop and think first before they make speeches about dear old Mum there might not be so many MILs who are wondering where they went wrong.

DaphneBroon Sun 23-Oct-16 10:17:35

Just happy none of our DDs went in for the three ring circus type of wedding! All very different, all a joy from start to finish and in all cases the in-laws and the outlaws treated exactly alike. And in all cases their choice of everything, so no MOB stresses or worries. They were all in their 30's when they married and independent women perhaps that helped and the fact that they could not have chosen nicer men smile

br0adwater Sun 23-Oct-16 10:25:31

In my youth I took on board the advice to never take offence where it wasn't meant. It's saved me lots of pain I'm sure.
My DiL never says thank you, sometimes doesn't even confirm receipt of cards etc but when we're together she's fine with me. So at the risk of sounding ancient I think the younger generation are less polite and thoughtful than we were raised to be.
Like you I do feel I have to bite my tongue a lot and perhaps my DiL is biting hers. It gets easier over time.

janeayressister Sun 23-Oct-16 11:31:09

My children are very profuse in their thanks and I have been thanked by the DILS. I just think that the INLAWS are not the first ones in line. I have daughters as well as sons and I am fond of my DILS but it is just not the same as having daughters.

I am my daughter's Mother and always will be the most important female to them.
My DILS have their own Mothers and sisters and I can't hope to be as close to them as my own blood relatives.

I think you just have to expect nothing and then when you get thanked it is a nice bonus.
I also don't intend to give my children all my money in my lifetime. This is because, although I trust my children implicitly to look out for my best interests, unfortunately, because of divorce etc, I cannot sensibly trust the relatives by marriage. Cest la Vie.

Teddy123 Sun 23-Oct-16 12:00:55

You're absolutely not alone in this type of situation ....

I think the totally disappointing part of this insensitive behaviour is that as MILs we perhaps kid ourselves that our DILs really do feel affection towards us

For some strange reason once they get the engagement ring .... They literally change overnight! New SILs are fine.

I sensed this change immediately. Said nothing. Was unsurprised that our side of the family seemed to be almost non existent in photos etc

A few months later we were all away for my kids birthday weekend. My DIL mentioned a friend of hers who'd been at the wedding. My response was to say in the sweetest tone ..... Oh no, I didn't get introduced to her, don't know who you mean .....

Poor DIL had the grace to blush ....

In honesty my DIL isn't a priority for me. MY SON IS so I shall continue to be polite and pleasant for his sake. He loves her, she's a nice girl etc .... But I get it.

Grangegran1 Sun 23-Oct-16 15:37:06

Oh Boy, am I glad that there won't be any more family weddings! 3 out of the 4 of mine were awful and so sad on what should have been happy events. I do wonder if this can ever happen in split families? At my daughters wedding her new husband looked straight at his parents and thanked them for everything they had done, finances etc to make their day a happy one. After 7 years he has never thanked me for anything. Hey ho you just have to get on with your life, do what you can and try to ignore the insensitivities.

MadMaisie Sun 23-Oct-16 15:43:12

As the husband's mother I think you often have to expect to be overlooked and just shrug your shoulders and get on with it. After a family wedding it was my sister in law who thanked me, commenting that the groom's family seem to miss out on the thanks. Best not to worry too much about it.

Chris4159 Sun 23-Oct-16 18:42:51

As MIL to my 3 sons wives, you do get used to being forgotten about although always the first to be asked when financial help is req. Strange that!! Though they each have sons now. What goes around comes around.

norton Sun 23-Oct-16 19:28:10

Sadly, try being a step mother to two "lovely" adult girls! My daughter in law is delightful by comparison!

Sweetness1 Sun 23-Oct-16 22:35:20

Thoughtful , sensitive. empathetic girls surely don't have to turn into these thoughtless Dils do they? My daughter has 2 small sons and I know she worries about them growing up and having partners who might be these unkind type of girls. Btw I have a Dil who is lovely !

LadyGracie Mon 24-Oct-16 11:55:22

My sons first wedding was I a country house, beautiful rooms for all friends and family of the bride, our room, just big enough for a bed and bedside table, no wardrobe or hanging space, I was so upset. Also because small wedding only me my DH and daughter invited, come the day 90 guests, brides small family and all her friends there, my son did have his best friend as best man. They weren't married long, she was control freak! Still makes me feel angry!

LadyGracie Mon 24-Oct-16 11:57:03

My new DHL is fabulous

trueblue22 Mon 24-Oct-16 12:22:02

My SIL acknowledged DH and me at dd's wedding. He always asks after me if I'm unwell & wishes me better.

I think it reflects on the way someone was brought up to how children in law behave.

I had a professional (solicitor) young woman of 30 visiting us for tea yesterday with her toddler. She went upstairs to change her daughter's pooey nappy and left it unpacked & stinking in our study bin. Dh and I thought bad mannered/ignorant.

Yorkshiregel Mon 24-Oct-16 16:03:29

It makes me so sad to see young girls doing this. They seem to think that MIL are a threat. We are not are we? We just want the best for our sons, and as we trusted them to chose the best we are content when they do.

It is not just DILs though is it? It starts when the Bride goes to look for her dress...usually her Mum, friend or sister tag along but NEVER have I known MIL to be invited. The Bride's Mother is treated like a queen by the dress shop staff, but MIL are only... just MIL. No recognition whatsoever sometimes not even being told what colour scheme the Bride to be has chosen, so it is then a lottery as to whether her dress will clash or not. Then the new tradition of having a champagne breakfast. Strictly no 'In Laws' invited!

The worst thing I have encountered is being told what name the Grandchildren will be calling me (whether I like it or not). Actually I kicked up a stink because I already was a 'Grandma' to one and that is what I wanted, and what I got, but I had to stand my ground. There was no animosity between me and the Bride's Mother, we ended up both being called what we wanted to be called. So we were both happy in the end. With the first Grandchild I was lucky as the Bride's Mother was not English and had a German equivalent. That also worked well at Christmas because they celebrated on Christmas Eve and not Christmas Day making it easier to decide who should cook the Christmas Dinner.

Please future Brides, do not treat your new MIL in this way. You will only be storing up resentment and bad feeling.
MIL are the Mothers of your husband and they have brought him up for the last 20+ yrs to be what he now is. Surely they deserve respect at least?