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Living our own lives

(29 Posts)
sufuller Sun 11-Feb-18 17:13:21

DH and I live in the Midlands with my 33 year old son. My 35 year D, SiL and DGD live just around the corner from us. My son works fulltime as a classroom assistant and after him suffering many health scares as a child we are very proud of him. He is very kind and sensitive and is very generous. However, we have a problem. DH and I are both retired and we like dividing our time between our home and Devon. At the moment we are in Devon until the beginning of May.

I phoned DS this morning and he insinuated that he would like us to go home sooner rather than later. It makes us feel really guilty about leaving him but as our friends keep telling us he is a grown man. We have left him before so I hope he will settle soon. Why do we feel so selfish. Help.

janeainsworth Sun 11-Feb-18 17:23:41

He ‘insinuated’ that he’d like you to go home earlier.
He didn’t actually say so.
I always find it safer to assume that people say what they mean, and mean what they say.
Are you sure you’re not projecting your own anxiety on to your son?
I’m sure if he really wanted to you to come home, he’d say so. He probably just wanted you to know he’s missing you, which isn’t the same as expecting you to change your plans for him.

Luckygirl Sun 11-Feb-18 17:25:39

Enjoy your time in Devon - please do not spoil it by worrying about your son. He is a grown man now, albeit one who had a challenging childhood, and will manage I am sure.

paddyann Sun 11-Feb-18 17:33:18

if he's used to you always being there he will be missing you.Is there a particular reason he still lives at home? Does he need extra support? A long break of months might be too much for him to cope with...but only you will know if thats the case.Can he go visit you in Devon for a weekend ? Just to make him feel less abandoned that might be a solution

mumofmadboys Sun 11-Feb-18 17:35:59

Could you ask your other son and DIL to check all is well with son at home? And could they invite him round for a few meals to provide some company/ family support ?

Jalima1108 Sun 11-Feb-18 18:06:40

Can he come down to Devon for half-term and the Easter holidays?
As momb says, it would be a good idea if perhaps his sister and brother-in-law can keep an eye on him and invite him round for meals too.

BlueBelle Sun 11-Feb-18 18:15:49

You don’t mention what his health problems are so only you know if he is able to be left along for months at a time or if it’s too much for him As others have said can your daughter help more while you are away or if he has real problems maybe four months is too long only you can know that
As he still lives with you at age 33 it sounds as if he does need you Do your friends who tell you he is a grown man know him well to make that assumption age has nothing to do with abilities

cornergran Sun 11-Feb-18 18:53:14

Why not ask him directly? Just a straightforward enquiry to check how he feels rather than infer from a conversation. It’s reasonable for him to miss you, equally he could be enjoying the independence but feel he should miss you. Either way it doesn’t necessarily mean he isn’t coping alone. It could just have been a bad day. I wonder how long he has been alone before. As others say, he could visit you for a weekend or the school holiday. There will be a way you can both be OK although there may need to be compromise on both sides.

sufuller Sun 11-Feb-18 19:59:10

My son has no health problems now, he had leukaemia when he was 5 and had chemo and radiotherapy. He went to special school and worked really hard to get his NVQ level 2 in Childcare in Education. He lives at home by choice and we don’t mind.

Thank you for your advice. I think he will be OK after a week or two. When we are at home he keeps himself to himself so he not missing out on conversation.

I love him dearly but as my daughter keeps reminding me, he is a grownup. I’ll keep you up to date with future developments.

M0nica Sun 11-Feb-18 21:13:05

I have nothing but admiration for your son,*sufuller*. Working as a teaching assistant is not a job for wimps or the weak. My god daughter was a teaching assistant for over 10 years, by which time she was burnt out and left to do something else.

SpringyChicken Sun 11-Feb-18 21:13:58

You make it sound as though your son could leave and set up his own home but he chooses to stay with you. In which case, he's the selfish one, not you. Do you cook his meals and do everything for him? If so , that's probably why he's missing you! Let him fend for himself, it will do him good. Not wishing to be morbid, he'll have to do it one day anyway so a bit of practice won't go amiss.
Enjoy your home in Devon, there's nothing to feel guilty about.

lemongrove Sun 11-Feb-18 22:45:56

Perhaps he becomes lonely in the house and misses you?
If he has special needs, even though he manages to do a job, when he goes home nobody is there.True, you won’t be around forever, but you are here now and he seems to need you.Could you just all go down to Devon in all the school holidays instead?

Jalima1108 Sun 11-Feb-18 22:57:49

He's done extremely well to overcome his illness, gain qualifications and get a demanding job. He is probably missing you both around the house when you're away but he probably doesn't really mean that he wants you to drop everything and rush home again.

Even if he spends a lot of time in his room, it's always good to know that there is someone else around in the house as it can be very quiet and lonely (I spent a lot of time on my own too). Do the other school staff meet up socially at all, even if just occasionally? Would he go out with them or join a club which specialises in something that interests him?

ReadyMeals Mon 12-Feb-18 10:05:18

Paddyann I imagine the reason the son is still at home is that his job is classroom assistant. I can't imagine that paying enough for him to support himself in his own accommodation.

Harris27 Mon 12-Feb-18 10:10:43

Our son moved out in his late twenties then returned and has gone again . He has always got on with his life and attained his degree living and commuting from home when he was younger. He is the youngest of three the others finding partners and having their own family. We do worry as parents are they ok ? But really we just like them to know we are here for them at any age.

SussexGirl60 Mon 12-Feb-18 10:20:44

Why do you feel so bad? Because you’re his parents and that holds responsibility apart from anything else. That said, you don’t detail what his health issues are and unless they’re currently meaning he is having trouble looking after himself and is an unsafe situation, you are absolutely entitled to stay put and this needs to be gently explained to him perhaps.

Jimbow15 Mon 12-Feb-18 10:36:22

Well I guess he is missing you both. Being away for long spells does affect others and I would not call it selfish.
I live 150 miles from home right now in my holiday home and my grandchildren are missing me not to mention my Daughter. I would see it purely in "normal responses" that people do miss the company of others who are emotionally close to them. Please do not see it as selfish but someone who cares. We humans are emotional beings. What if he was not in the least bothered then you might feel he does need you .

sarahellenwhitney Mon 12-Feb-18 11:13:35

Go home. Put your mind at rest and see why DS appears to what you back. You are retired so can visit Devon when ever. As DS works in the classroom he will have school holidays so why not invite him to come with you for the easter break.

Greciangirl Mon 12-Feb-18 11:52:23

Why does he want you to come back earlier.
Is there a problem?

radicalnan Mon 12-Feb-18 13:14:02

He is probably fed up in an empty house in this cold weather. Not much incentive to get out and about at the moment for any of us.

He does need a friendship group because you won't be around forever can you encourage him with that?

icanhandthemback Mon 12-Feb-18 13:14:35

I'd ask him outright if that is what he wants and why. He may be a grown up but if he's floundering, for whatever reason, surely any decent parent would want to support him even if it is only to help him be by himself. I sometimes find that siblings can be a little less empathetic with each other so I wouldn't necessarily just listen to your daughter. She may well be right but only by talking with your son will you get the lay of the land.

eazybee Mon 12-Feb-18 13:39:55

He sounds to be a loner, and is probably feeling lonely during the holiday. Was he in a special school purely because of health issues? Would he be able to travel to Devon independently for a short break with you, then return?
You shouldn't compromise your independence simply because he doesn't like being left alone.

FlorenceFlower Mon 12-Feb-18 15:16:24

It’s half term in our part of the country, is he particularly lonely with the thought of nothing to do this week? Could his sister help?

I have a disabled stepson, slightly older than your son, and holidays and long weekends can be a real trial for him.

Our young man sometimes sounds desperate, and it’s because he has mislaid his favourite t-shirt or can’t get the computer or tv to work. Doesn’t matter that he’s an adult, he just can’t do it!

Do hope all is well for you all.


Luckylegs9 Mon 12-Feb-18 16:07:49

Can he not join a group that interest him, to meet with other people. I know how lonely it is on your own, but he has a job and you are both getting older, he really needs to for things nice rather test later, it does get more difficult the older you get to make friends. Perhaps when you are back home, you could do more things as a family, pub quizzes are fun and social send you do get to know people.

Luckylegs9 Mon 12-Feb-18 16:09:16

Should have read, do things now rather than later. I cannot for the life of me understand why this I pad decides to change a whole sentence.