I woud hate my children to be in the same position.....

Can't understand why you are paying for her care.

I thought they could make you pay for someone's care only if you received the proceeds from people's homes when they left to go into care or their home was signed over less than 7 years earlier to you.

Silverlining 47.
I have been given to understand and please correct me if wrong that if the person needing care has savings over a certain amount and own their own property then the property will be sold and part of their savings used to pay for their care. I cannot believe that you as a relative will be responsible, again correct me if I am wrong.
Any one who pays council tax will now find there is a percentage in their tax which will go towards social care.

Silverlining - I am sorry if I seem obtuse, but what is wrong with a Council Care Home ?

There is no need for you to pay the fees, stop paying at once. but tell Social Services. The Council are legally bound to find a place for your MIL. Dont let social services bully you. It would be a good idea, if you can afford to, get legal advice.

Silverlining 47.Did you personally put your relative in the care home or was it instigated by Social Services?

No - you don't have to pay top-up, and the Local Authority would have to justify the disruption to your MIL if they proposed to move her, which I do not believe they would unless she is in a very fancy care home, especially if you look like you will put up some resistance. L.A.s are very good at bamboozling you into thinking you must or should pay. They usually come to an agreement with care homes over how much they will pay if there's no gullible relatives to top up (sorry if that sounds harsh!) However, your problem is persuading your husband and SIL that you do not have to pay. Perhaps do the research first so you are armed with the facts before broaching it. Good luck.

Hi, you do not have to pay the top up fees, I assure you that. Please get a financial assessment done by social care. If she has no savings, they will pay the lot. Is it a case that she has a property that you are trying to preserve? If this is the case, then I can see why you might be trying to pay the top up fees, but if no property, then you don’t have to do this and I think you also need to explore if she really would be moved?

Zorro21.I doubt you will find a'' council owned' care home. Care homes these days are privately owned and it is these that are used for Social Care.. There are also care homes which offer' in house' nursing care and highly unlikely Social care /Council would use. Being too expensive.

Zorro21 Council care homes, when good, are fantastic - my DM was very happy in the one that she lived in. However, OP has stated that In this case the local council run homes have a poor reputation (one was highlighted last year for abuse to the elderly) so I can quite see why she is reluctant to consider them.

Silverlining47 - Other posters here have more useful advice than I am able to give. However, I worked in an administrative role on a Care of the Elderly ward at our local hospital. We had a number of patients who needed to be discharged into care homes and it was always difficult to find care homes for those suffering with dementia - many care homes do not have the staff equipped to deal with their additional needs. I'm only saying this because, in the case of your MIL, it would be time-consuming and difficult to find another home suitable AND prepared to accept the additional needs of your MIL, another reason they may decide to leave her in her current setting.

I really hope you get it sorted - if all your MIL funds have been depleted, you should not be responsible for paying towards her care. This is not an indication of how much you love your MIL.

The home my mum was in had both private and council residents.
We could have paid top ups for a bigger room with en suite but were happy with the room she had. The care, food and facilities were the same for all residents.
What benifits is MiL receiving from your payments ?

Mum's contribution to the fees were paid directly from her state pension and she was left with £23 per week (at that time) for toiletries etc.

This is a dreadful situation but you DO NOT HAVE TO PAY. Fight it all the way - you might need care for yourself in later years.

Hi I am a carer for my 76 year old brother this site is very good and has given me a lot of advice
www.carersuk.org/

Silver lining you really need to talk to your dh about the amount of money you are paying towards mil care. Gently point out it is your money too and you were hoping to spend some in retirement enjoying each others company but he is jeopardising that. Ask him what happens if mil lives for another 10 years. Will he be able to pay for this long? It must be very hard because you will come across as the mean one but because he and Sil are so emotionally involved they are probably unable to remain objective. We are not heartless on GN but really almost everyone thinks the current situation is intolerable. Your dh is basically sacrifising your joint future for his dm who would probably be upset if she understood. Also you have dc to consider. You do need to talk to dh.

Thanks everyone. Your posts nearly all say we do not have to pay the top up fee and I am really surprised.
To clarify, my MiL has no money at all. She rented a council flat and with the few savings she had she paid the top up fee herself for one year
Tonkatol, I think you have summed up the situation very well.
Nemosmum, you also sum up the situation I have with persuading my husband and SiL.
In fact, writing this post makes me realise how little influence I seem to have. Both are kind people but I think are becoming very stressed by the increasing dementia (MiL now violent and swearing) and not seeing the bigger picture that affects both families in the longer term. Such fragile paths to tread in any conversation at the moment.

Thanks for your kind message newnanny. It came in after I started my previous reply.

Sarahellenwhitney, MiL was assessed by social services who said that she needed to be cared for in a carehome.

I think there are very few council run homes left. The council negotiate a much reduced rate for the rooms they use. There is a feeling that privately paying residents are subsidising the council one - denied of course.

The top-up has to be paid by someone who is NOT the resident.

If the OP'S Mil is fully funded then I imagine her pension has been taken away and she will get the 'allowance'.

I would talk to AgeUk or the Alzheimer's Society to be armed with the facts before you talk to your Dh and sil.

That's awful for you. Emotional blackmail is so effective, isn't it? When MIL had to go in a home her eldest son took over the finances and he's as mean as hell. SS had quite a job trying to get him to pay - easier than getting blood out of a stone. He paid the absolute minimum necessary and played his cards very close to his chest iyswim. I expect you're too nice to behave like that.

I do really think that SSD would struggle to find a place for your MIL if you withdrew paying the top-up. I am afraid that many people do not do the research before agreeing to this - entirely reasonably as they should be able to trust the LA to provide all the facts, rather than bamboozle them into payments that they are not obliged to make.

In my area all council homes closed at about the time I retired (20 years ago) so I doubt whether there are still any around. But - I do have to say that, as a SW, I always opted for council homes first as they were so much better than the private ones - the staff were properly trained and supported, and the homes were properly checked at regular intervals.

There is loads of info out there from all the organisations mentioned above. Arm yourself with this info and then talk to the family - then beard the LA in their den!

Silver lining. It is a very sad situation. I would make sure that the nursing home is aware that you would not wish her to be resuscitated and that if she is unwell you would wish her not to be admitted to hospital but kept comfortable in the home. Obviously, only if that is indeed the case. The homes like people to go off to hospital as it decreases their care burden but it is distressing for the person concerned. You may have to speak to the doctor at the home and put it in writing that this is your wish.. If necessary you could pay for a private carers to be with your mother in the home to supplement the care for the last days..
With regard to funding, if you don't want to move her then you can talk about Continuing care where it is funded by the NHS but you may have to bring in solicitors as the CCGs will avoid this if they can.
I wish you well, it's a very difficult time.

I had three years of stress worrying about this before Mum ran out of money. SS were unhelpful to say the least. The home advised me to get the Alzheimer's diagnosis before a second SS assessment, armed with that they agreed to pay but the home good up the rest as it is a charity. If your mum has been there a long time, I would ask for a meeting with the home and explain you can't afford the top up fees. They may help.

It is one thing to feel morally responsible for care of the elderly, quite another to finance it.

If you run out of money for your own care, would you expect your family to bear the cost?

Make sure you claim everything that she is due; the council usually pay for care if the person has no means. Get in touch with social services, Age UK (they really are very helpful).